Hi Guys! I'm back with the newest chapter of this story! Thanks for the reviews on last part - it had been hard to write. This one was not a piece of pie (heh) too, but it was much easier. So much so in fact, that it kind of get out of my hands and became way longer than I intended! :) This tends to happen to me, when I'm excited... Anyway, hope you like it, let me know!
L.
'It's been a month, stop it already!' – Castiel thought gritting his teeth. For the last month every night he would hear Dean praying to him, asking him to come and talk to him. Castiel was already in so much pain it was ridiculous, but Dean kept praying and praying every night and Castiel's resolve started wavering. He was so unbelievably tired from all that pain. All he wanted was a moment of peace. A moment when he could take a deep breath and not feel anything anymore. How he wished he stopped feeling. If only he could… Instead his every thought was with him – what was he doing, was he alright, was he happy, did he think of him at all? And now this torture every night… Sometimes Dean was pissed, shouting at him and demanding him to come. Yet other times he would try to coax him into going, but worst of all sometimes he'd simply beg him to come. The begging was the worst. Tonight was the begging and Cas was on the verge of giving in.
"Please Cas, please… Please come to me… I have to see you, I need to see you! Please Cas, please…"
"Stop it." – Cas croaked in a broken voice. – "Just stop it. I'm here..."
"Cas…" – Dean sighed in relief looking at him standing in the furthest corner of the room. Cas' gaze was resolutely on the floor, his shoulders slumped and Dean's heart clenched at seeing him this way.
"What is it Dean? Do you need something?"
"Yes I need something. Cas, I need to talk to you!"
"Is there anything left to talk about?" – He asked silently.
"Cas… I thought you were dead."
"I know."
"I tried to find you, I looked for you, but they all said you were dead…"
"Yes, that was a rational conclusion."
"I prayed the God to save you, to bring you back to me!"
"That was very kind of you, Dean."
"Fuck it Cas. Look at me!" – But the angel shook his head.
"Cas, I mourned you, for a long time I mourned you."
"I know, Sam told me what happened while I was gone. I'm sorry for your pain."
"I thought I would never see you again…"
"Dean, what are you doing? Are you trying to justify yourself? Do you think I blame you?"
"I fucking blame me!"
"It doesn't make sense. You did everything you could and then you moved on – that's what people do. I don't blame you."
"I shouldn't have given up!"
"Yes, you should have. The likelihood I was dead outweighed the possibility I was alive by far. You did the right thing."
"Then why the hell do I feel I failed you?"
"Do you want me to tell you it's ok?" – Castiel asked tiredly, still not looking at him. – "It's ok Dean. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Yeah? Then what about you? Are you ok now?"
"What do you expect to hear? A sort of fairytale where everything turns out to be great and everyone is happy? Well look at your life then – you've got home and family and everyone's so happy! Sounds like a fairytale to me."
"And what about you?"
And now Castiel raised his head to look him in the eye. Dean gasped at the pained expression he saw.
"And what about me, Dean?" – He asked pausing after each word. – "What do you want to hear? That I'm doing great? That all is over now? That I'm happy?"
"Cas…"
"I've lost everything Dean!" – He shouted. He could no longer hold it in. – "All I can remember is pain. Pain. All. The. Time! And even the memories that were dearest to me are hurting me now. I've got nothing left. All that keeps me going is knowing that you are happy!"
He started shaking feverishly and closed his eyes to steady himself. 'I'm sane, it's all real…' – he started thinking to himself when suddenly he felt Dean's arms around him, hugging him, holding him.
"Shh, it's ok, I've got you now. Calm down, I've got you." – Dean whispered silently in his ear and brushed his hear out of his eyes. – "You're ok, you're here with me."
It was all it took. Almost instantly Castiel started to calm down. He relished in this stolen moment he had in Dean's arms and at the same time hated himself for that. It was all wrong, but it was so good!
"Cas, look at me." – He said when the angel stopped shaking, but he shook his head.
"Cas, I want you to look at me now."
Castiel sighed and opened his eyes meeting Dean's. And despite the pain and despair, he felt a familiar, but almost forgotten sensation stirring deep inside him. He tilted his head looking at Dean curiously. Was it just him? It must be just him… And yet Dean looked at him transfixed as well. Suddenly Cas realized just how close Dean was. He was holding him, his lips mere inches away… And then he felt his mouth run dry and just like some many times before, without even thinking about it, he bit on his bottom lip.
"Fuck, Cas, you…" – But he didn't finish. Instead he groaned as he reclaimed the angel's lip, sucking on it, biting it gently. Castiel's arms wrapped around Dean immediately, pressing him hard against him, caressing him. He felt so familiar, so… his. Castiel moaned as Dean's tongue met his and marveled at the sound of Dean groaning. Dean trailed his kisses down Cas' jaw line and Cas moaned again.
"What do you want?" - Castiel asked him in a broken voice.
"I want you." – Dean replied instantly and started unbuttoning his shirt. – "I want you. I want you."
When he pulled Cas' shirt off, he suddenly gasped staring at the scars covering his arms.
"Don't worry about them." – Cas whispered and pulled Dean into another kiss. – "They're here to keep me grounded, that's all."
"Raise your hands." – Dean ordered and as Cas did he pulled his T-shirt off. There were scars on his entire body and Dean gritted his teeth.
"Is it unpleasant?" – Castiel asked carefully. – "You don't want to?"
"Shut up, I want you!" – Dean growled. – "I just thought I would've been happy to be the one who killed that son of the bitch."
"You and I both." – Cas nodded and returned to Dean's lips once again. He pulled Dean's shirt off and then his T-shirt. – "You're beautiful."
Dean unbuckled Cas' belt and pulled his pants off, preparing for more scars. It was so unbearably hard to see them... Finally he pulled his boxers off and at least there he was whole. And hard.
"Israfil thought this part was filthy." – Castiel said bitterly as if reading Dean's thoughts. – "Lucky me!"
"Don't think about him now, Cas. Stay with me. I want you all." – He said firmly and then licked his lips before dropping to his knees and sucking on the tip of his cock forcefully, eliciting loud moan from the angel.
"Just like that – just you and me." – Dean whispered and resumed sucking and licking Cas' cock until he started panting and writhing. He let go of him and Castiel whimpered loudly.
"Not just yet, Cas. I want you. I want you all."
He took his pants and boxers off and led Cas to the bed.
"Open up for me, Cas. I want to be inside you, I want to feel you around me." – He whispered as he rolled on the condom and pumped on some lube. – "Do you want me?"
"Yes, yes…" – He panted lying on the bed, his legs spread wide, watching him transfixed.
"Speak to me, Cas. What do you want me to do?"
"I want you in me… I want to be yours again. I want to feel you in me!"
"Like that?" – Dean asked positioning at his entrance.
"Yes, yes like that! Please! Come!"
And Dean did. Controlling himself all the way, trying not to cause him pain, letting him adjust. As soon as he was fully in, Cas whimpered.
"Move… I want you to move."
Dean started moving slowly at first. He held Cas' hips firmly trying to reach that spot that made the angel shiver and writhe beneath him. On his third thrust he hit the spot and Cas cried out his name loudly. Dean moved faster and faster hitting his spot again and again.
"Cas, I'm close now." – He moaned and wrapped his fingers around Castiels cock, pumping him. – "Come with me Cas, come with me."
Castiel's body shook and shivered from the sensations so intense he could barely hold on.
"Come with me!" – Dean shouted and they both did just that amidst the light, the shouts and the moans.
/\/\/\
After the shower that involved some more sucking and licking on Cas' part and some more moans and shouts on Dean's, he led the angel to the bed and pulled him in his arms, holding on to him tightly. They lied silently on the bed for a long while; Dean's finger's trailing the scars of Cas' arm and back. Finally Cas spoke.
"How much more of the fallen angel could I be?" – He asked silently, more to himself than Dean.
"Don't go there."
"Well, look at me! First I go against my father and my brothers and I fall from Heaven. Then I start desiring my friend. You push me away again and again and yet I want you. What you and I had was sacrilege to begin with and now… 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's man!' It's plain sin."
"Cas…"
"No Dean, it is. You have a family. You're not mine to desire. What was I thinking?"
"This is not about thinking Cas. It's about feeling. No one thinks it would be peachy to fuck someone with a family. These things happen because sometimes what you feel is above the commandments."
"I'm an angel! Well, at least I used to be… Nothing is above the commandments…"
"And yet here you are, lying in my arms and fucking happy to be here."
"That's my point exactly – what kind of an angel am I? What kind of a man?"
"Well what kind of a man do you think I am? It's me who has a family, not you, and yet all I can think about is you! You lie here, holding on to me and I have no idea how I could ever let you go. You lie here and I think how I'd like to kiss every scar you've got to make it better, to ease the pain you're in. And most of all, you lie here and I think about how much I fucking love you! What kind of the man does that make me?"
Castiel pulled up at that, eyes fixed on Dean's.
"You love me?"
"You fool, of course I love you! Why'd you think I prayed to you all this time? And better yet - why'd you think I thought I was dead when I saw you?"
"I don't…"
"Idiot. You would be in my Heaven, alright? There's no Heaven without you!"
And now Castiel was kissing him again. Relief and pain, longing and despair and most of all love mingled in that desperate kiss.
"I thought I lost it…" – Cas sighed. – "I thought I lost you."
"I know, I did too. But I never really stopped loving you Cas… I was in a dark place when you disappeared. I looked for you, I prayed… And then, when I lost all hope I was looking for a way to die and get to Heaven. You were right – it's a comfort knowing you could be with someone you love if you died."
"No!"
"Yes… And then I met Lisa and Ben. They pulled me out of the deepest hole in my life. They were with me when I was hurt and desperate and little by little I allowed them to enter my life…"
"You love them." – This was not a question. It was clear. It also hurt, but it was right.
"Yes."
"That's why I didn't come to you…"
"Yeah, about that – why the hell would you go to Sammy and not me?"
"I came to you first. I saw your family. I saw you were happy. There was no place for me in your life and so I didn't want to… I don't know. I just didn't want to hurt you again."
"And it didn't occur to you it was my decision to make? Cas, it's my life!"
"But I was right! Before you knew I was alive, you were fine. You were living a happy life with people you love. And now look at you – you think I don't see it's eating at you? You think I don't see you feel guilty for being here with me? You would've been happier without me!"
"Fuck you!" – He growled and then suddenly rolled onto Cas. – "If I'd been happier without you, then why the hell am I so fucking happy to have you here? Why the hell all I want is to fuck you again and see you moan and shout in pleasure?"
"Dean…" – He almost moaned.
"No, you speak to me Castiel. If you know what's better for me, then why are you here? Why do you look at me the same way you did all this time ago? Why does that look still make me hard and desperate?"
"Because I'm weak!" – He suddenly shouted. – "Because I couldn't stay away even though I knew I'd hurt you by coming here!"
"Hurt me?" – Dean hissed. – "Are you fucking kidding me? Don't you see me? Don't you feel me? I fucking love you Cas! I love you! Do you get that?"
"You love them too! You'll have to choose now Dean and there's no good choice here! Some of us will be hurt again and one of them will definitely be you!"
"And how's that different if you didn't show up? You think I wasn't hurting for you anymore? Weren't you in pain?"
"It was my choice then… And you were… You seemed happy!"
"Fuck it Cas! Snap out of it! You didn't hurt me, ok? If I could choose, I'd always choose you to come to me, do you understand that? So what if I seemed happy with Lisa? Don't I seem happy with you in my arms? Because I sure as hell feel happy!"
Cas took a deep breath. He didn't want to ask this question, but he knew he had to.
"So what happens now? What happens now when you're happy with your family and you're happy with me?"
Dean rolled off him and lied on his back for a moment. His hand was still on Cas' stomach as if he didn't want to break a contact.
"I don't know." – He said finally. – "I don't know what happens now. All I know is I can't lose you again."
Castiel closed his eyes and sighed.
"But you can't leave them either, right? That's what you're saying?"
"I don't know what I'm saying Cas! I just don't fucking know!"
"I won't be an adulterer Dean. I know my morals are very low now, but I won't be an adulterer…"
"I would never ask you to."
"Wouldn't you?" – Cas smiled sadly. – "You'd get to keep everything…"
"Yeah, but who'd I be then?"
"I think you could be happy."
"What are you saying Cas?"
"Before I left for the final battle, I told you I would do anything I can for you to be happy. So far I tried my best – I failed by showing up, but you were dying… Anyway, I think I kept that promise the best I could."
"Showing up was the best fucking thing you did!"
"Alright, that's not my point anyway. What I'm saying is that I was willing to stay away to make you happy. It hurt more than anything Israfil did, but I thought I was doing the right thing for you and so I just did it regardless what I felt. I kept my promise."
"I know you did…"
"Good. Now, if you ask me to be an adulterer, I will break it. I'm sorry Dean, but I will break it. I have fallen and I have committed a sacrilege with you and that was good. I have fallen in love with you and I did all I could to protect you and that was also good. But I have also committed the adultery and although it felt good, it's not. I intentionally did something that could hurt another human being just to satisfy my own desires and that's not who I am. I know it sounds hypocritical when I lie here naked with you in your family bed, but it's the truth nevertheless."
"I know that. I'd never ask you to do that. I haven't forgotten you're an angel, you know!"
"So what I'm saying is you'll have to make a choice. I hate it, I wanted to avoid it, but it really comes down to this…"
"Cas, don't push me."
"I don't. Take all the time you need. I just wanted to make sure you understand."
"I get it, alright? I know I'll have to make a decision, I get it…" – He sighed and closed his eyes.
"You know I can help you, right?" – Castiel asked silently.
"How'd you figure that?"
"Well, for one I could just leave."
"No." – He said immediately snapping his head up and looking at Cas' eyes intently. – "Don't you dare leave me again! I can't lose you, do you understand? Promise me Cas, promise you won't leave."
"You mean I should promise I won't leave unless you ask me to?"
"Fuck Cas, I know how it sounds! I fucking now how unfair I'm being to you!"
"Stop, don't agonize over it. You didn't choose this, it's alright."
"No, it's not fucking alright! But Cas… I can't even think straight when I know you might leave me…"
"I promise. I won't leave you until you ask me to." – He whispered silently, caressing the side of Dean's face with his fingertips.
"Thank you…"
"There's other thing I can do to help you." – The angel said continuing his trail of thought. – "Angel's are very rational you know. Well maybe you don't know – I'm probably the worst example really."
"I like that you're not too rational. Zachariah was freakin' weird with all his rationality."
"Anyway, if I look at all of this rationally, it's quite an easy decision."
"How'd you figure?" – Dean asked again.
"Well, here you go – you love both me and Lisa, right? So really, this is not an argument for either of us and thus should be disregarded."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm serious. I know it's heartbreaking to you and all, but really for the sake of decision you have to make, it's irrelevant – you love us both." – Cas was surprised how easy it was to speak about that now. His rational mind did something incredible – for the first time in a very long while it pushed the emotions to the back seat. – "So what else there is? I can make sure you're safe. With my healing and all the other things I could do, you could probably live forever. Well, as long as I do, anyway. Lisa can give you children. I've heard people think it's pretty much the same – you'll live in your children's memory or something. So it's a tie again, we can disregard it. Lisa can give you normal life – no demons, no angels, no more fighting. I however can't do that. With me, there will always be something – angels, for the very least, but probably also demons and all sorts of beings… So it's really her hand. Then there's parenthood. Not in the sense of life extension, but in the sense of having a child. I can't give you that, Lisa can. Then there's an opportunity to grow old together. I won't grow old, she will and you could do it with her. There's also social aspect of the relationship – you can be as open about your relationship with Lisa as you want, whereas with me there's all homosexual perception to consider. I know you told Sam, but would you really want anyone else to know? Hmm... I think I'm losing spectacularly, wouldn't you say?"
"You're freaking me out, that's for sure!" – Dean growled.
"Why? It's just calculation."
"Cas, do you realize the odds were never in our favor, or whatever the hell it is they say?"
"Who says?" – Cas asked confusedly.
"Nevermind. Look, what were the odds you'd fall in love with me? What were the odds I'd fall in love with you?"
"I don't think they were good."
"And yet here we are."
"Yes, but we're talking about what's best for you now."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"What about what's best for you, you fool?"
"Honestly? The best would've been for Israfil to have killed me."
"No!"
"Why not? That would have saved both you and me a lot of pain. You have already mourned my death and I would have died knowing you cared about me. How's that not a perfect solution?"
"That's the worst solution, Cas! Don't you even dare think like that! How do you think that makes me feel? You'd rather be dead than here with me!"
"No, I'd rather be dead than lose you again."
"Fuck you Cas!" – Dean jumped up from the bed in rage.
"I don't understand. Why are you so angry?" – He sat up.
"Because you dying was the worst pain I had ever experienced! It was worse than anything what happened in Hell! And now you lie here and say you'd rather be dead!"
"Dean, calm down…" – He stood up and wrapped his arms around the other man. – "Of course I'd rather be with you. I'd always rather be with you… I love you, you know that. Calm down."
He started kissing him – slowly, gently, soothingly. It didn't take long for the desire to take over the comfort and soon they were panting again, moaning and shouting each other's names as pain and pleasure mixed with love and betrayal in the blazing light.
/\/\/\
"Where's your family?" – Castiel asked after they had another shower together. They were back in the bed, lying on their sides and Dean was holding him from behind.
"They're visiting Lisa's mother. They'll be back tomorrow."
"Alright." – Cas sighed.
"Will you stay with me until then?" – Dean whispered kissing Cas's shoulder. He felt like the biggest jerk to ask that, but he simply saw no way to let him go.
"If you want me to…"
"I want you." – Dean said at once and continued kissing his shoulder lightly. – "You know it's called 'spooning'?"
"What is?"
"This, the way we lie here. I'm a big spoon and you're my small spoon."
"I'm taller than Chrysler Building!" – Cas scoffed indignantly, but then he smiled.
"Yeah, yeah. Still you fit perfectly, do you see?"
"It feels perfect."
"It really does…"
"You should get some sleep Dean, you look tired." – Cas said silently, entwining his right hand's fingers with Dean's.
"I'm afraid you'll go away while I sleep."
"I won't. I promised to stay and I will. I don't want to leave you."
"I love you, angel."
"I love you too. Sleep now." – And it only took couple of minutes for Dean to relax and succumb to sleep.
/\/\/\
"I thought your vessel couldn't change." – Dean asked him, trailing his finger down the scars on Castiel's chest. It was morning already.
"It can, if I don't heal it. I healed the wounds, but not the scars."
"Why?"
"Because when I start to lose it, when I'm no longer certain what's real anymore, I look at those scars and I know I'm sane, this really happened. I was afraid to lose myself in all that pain, I didn't want to lose my memories and my grasp on reality. So I found the way."
"I used to look at your hand print. You know, after you got me out of Hell, I'd look at your hand print and I'd know it was real."
"So you understand, I thought you would." – Cas smiled sadly and then changed the subject. – "How's Sam?"
"How should I know? I haven't spoken to him after he told me he knew you were alive."
"Why?"
"Because he didn't tell me! He should have told me and he didn't!"
"I asked him not to tell you."
"It doesn't matter. He is my brother. He saw what it has been like to lose you! He had to tell me."
"Dean, it was kind of him not to tell you. All he wanted is for you to be happy. He was miserable when I asked him not to tell you, but he did it for you anyway."
"If he wanted to do something for me, he should have called me straight away!"
"Then why aren't you angry with me? I didn't come to you too."
"Yeah, if you think I'm impressed by that, think again!" – Dean growled. – "But I can understand why you did it – you were in pain. And you're an angel, you're weird that way. If it were me, I'd come to you, whether or not you have a family. You could have a harem for all I care – I would at least try."
"Try what?" – Castiel raised his eyebrows. – "Break up the family? Again, even I understand the irony of my own words, but I'm really not that kind of person."
"Yeah well, it seems to me that I am." – Dean said thoughtfully. – "Anyway, you at least had decent reasons while Sammy's nonsense about me being happy is a load of bullshit! He knew what I felt for you! He had to tell me."
"Dean, will you please make it up with him?"
"No."
"Please? I don't want to be guilty for causing this too. Please, will you just make up with him? For me?"
"Fuck it Cas! Where did you learn the 'for me' bit?"
"Well, not from you, you can be sure about that. All you ever say is 'I want you to…' and I'm doing it."
Dean laughed, but then his eyes darkened.
"Yes, and you know just how much pleasure it brings us both."
"You're changing the subject Dean and it's working really well…" – Cas shook his head trying to clear it. – "Will you make up with your brother?"
"Alright, alright!" – He agreed exasperated, but then his gaze fell onto Cas' lips. – "Now about that other thing – all I have to say is I want you to, and you're doing it right?"
"What do you want, Dean?" – He asked smiling slightly.
"I want you." – He replied at once, but then continued his eyes set firmly on the angel's lips. – "How about we do it differently? What do you want, Cas?"
Castiels' eyebrows cocked up slightly, but he pulled himself together at once. Dean was offering him a chance too good to miss it.
"I want you. I want to have you… I want to claim you the way you claim me. I want to feel what's it like to be in you. I want you to writhe and shake in my arms. I want make you come with me. I want you to feel just how overwhelming it is, how much pleasure it gives to just let go of yourself, let go of all the control and place all the trust in someone else…"
And from the look in Cas' eyes and his words alone, Dean started panting slightly.
"Fuck it Cas! Where did you learn to sweet talk like that?"
"From you, of course." – He replied and then pulled Dean into a hard kiss. – "Do I have you?"
"I'm yours…" – And for the first time in Dean's life he just let go and let Cas take over. And it was better than he could have ever dreamed of. Cas was gentle with him and there was no pain. It was probably an angel thing, Dean wondered later. But he was also hard with him and commanding and with every move he made, Dean yearned for more. And just as Cas told him – Dean shook, and writhed and begged for relief, but Cas took his time, slowing down whenever he felt Dean to be close and hurrying up again to keep him on the verge and when Dean was sure he'd lose his mind Castiel finally pushed them both over the edge with the last thrusts and pumps. Dean came so hard he didn't even see the light. He collapsed on the bed breathing rapidly and lied there for a long time trying to pull himself together as Cas trailed light kisses down his spine. When he could finally form a coherent thought, he turned on his back and pulled Cas into his arms.
"Damn it Cas! And here I thought I was good…" – He whispered and kissed him.
"You were amazing, Dean. You were absolutely remarkable."
/\/\/\
"I have to go now." – Castiel said as he came out of the bathroom. He had a shower and he looked fresh and rested. It amazed Dean how much better he looked than the moment he came to him in the first place. His eyes weren't hollow anymore and his gaze wasn't restless. Despite the scars on his arms, that his T-shirt didn't hide, he looked almost alright. With the jolt of surprise, Dean realized he was wearing jeans and there was no trench coat in sight. How the hell did he fail to see that?
"Since when do you wear jeans?" – He asked curiously.
"My clothes… They didn't survive Israfil as well as I did. And jeans… You always wear jeans so I thought I'd give it a try. It's ok, I like them. I also like shirts and a tie. And I hate sweaters."
"You're weird, you know?" – Dean asked, but the smile he gave him was nothing but appreciative.
Castiel pulled him up from the bed. Dean was also wearing jeans now, but it was all he was wearing. Castiel hugged him, placing his head on his shoulder.
"Thank you." – He whispered.
"No, no. Thank you, Cas. Thank you for this time together. It was more than I hoped for."
"I love you." – Cas said holding him still.
"I love you." – Dean echoed. His heart clenched at the knowledge he had to let him go no. How could he let him go?
Cas tried to pull back, but Dean held onto him.
"Not yet." – He murmured. – "One more second."
"You'll call me, right? When you make your choice, you'll call me? Even if it's Lisa, you'd still tell me? It's not a good bye yet?"
"It's not a good bye! Fuck it Cas, it sure as hell is not a good bye!"
"Good. I want to see you again, even if it is for a good bye, I want to see you once more."
"Cas, please…"
"No, it's ok. I know the odds are against me, or something similar.'
"You mean the odds are not in your favor."
"Yes, what is that?"
"Nevermind, it's stupid. A movie I've seen with a really hot chick…"
"You think now is the time to speak about women who appeal sexually to you? Honestly, how is it I'm weird? You humans are plain crazy!"
"Sorry, you're right." – He agreed and still wouldn't let go.
"I have to go now." – He tried to pull back again, but Dean held on.
"I know. I just don't want you to."
"Dean, they'll be here soon. And you really need to get a shower, you smell of…"
"I smell of what?"
"Well, me. And sex."
"The best smell ever then." – He grinned.
"Dean."
"I know alright?" – He finally let go. – "I'll call and you'll come, right?"
"Right. You'll call, I'll come. And don't forget you promised to make it up with Sam."
"Fine. You care too much for that idiot."
"He cares about me too. He's been good to me when I was in a really dark place."
"You mean you went back to him?"
"Yes, I've visited him couple of times."
"Him and not me?" – He hissed.
"What is this?" – Cas asked confusedly.
"I'm pissed, that's what it is." – Dean growled.
"Why? Because I visited your brother? I was in pain and he was the only one except Samandriel who I could speak to."
"So there's Samandriel too? You speak to both of them, but not to me!"
"I could have hardly spoken to you about how hurt I was by losing you. Why are you so angry? They helped me."
"I could have helped you!"
"No, you couldn't have."
"I just hate it that you'd go to someone else and not me. It makes me really angry."
"But I don't understand. Why would that anger you?"
"Because I'm fucking jealous, that's why!" – He growled.
Castiel stared at him bewildered.
"What do you have to be jealous about?" – He asked perplexed.
"You! I'm jealous they get to be with you!"
"Ok, tell me this then – have you been here for the last couple of days? Have you heard anything I said? Have you seen me? Have you felt me?"
"Yes, but…"
"No. There's no 'but' here. I am yours. My every thought and every feeling are about you. My so called life is about you. Everything I am is about you now. How can you stand here and tell me you're jealous?"
"Cas, I…"
"No. I love you so much that I don't question anything you do. I love you so much I'll accept the loss of you without hesitation as long as you're happy. I love you so much that jealousy is not a word strong enough to express what I feel leaving you with her and yet I don't even say anything about it. How can you be jealous when I love you so?"
"I'm an idiot, that's how!" – He pulled the angel into another hug. – "I'm a fucking idiot! I'm sorry, I really am that stupid…"
"Stop it. I know it's irrational. I understand. You just startled me with this."
"I don't fucking deserve you."
"Stop it." – He repeated. – "It's not about thinking, it's about feeling, right? And now I really have to go."
"Ok. I love you." – He kissed him gently on the corner of the mouth.
"I love you too." – He smiled and then pulled away and disappeared.