Chapter 13: The Monster Within

Within a few hours Gideon and Ana were in Las Vegas at one of his hotel and casinos. They were placed in Gideon's private suite on top of the Cross Hotel and Casino. Ana was sitting on the sofa with her cell phone at her ear as she organized her part of the wedding. She already chose her dress which was being altered to fit her perfectly. The colors, flowers, and cake were already ordered and would be ready for their wedding day which was planned for the next day. She clicked off her phone and smiled at Gideon who was pacing in front of her as he talked on the phone. He already had a small ballroom transformed into a wedding chapel and now he was coordinating all travel plans to get her parents, his sister Ireland, Kate and Elliot, and Jeb and Rachel to Vegas on time and in secret. They all had been sworn to secrecy! He turned to her and gave her a smile.

"Everyone is in the air, on time, and will be here as requested." He sat down next to her. "I will say Kate was excited when I talked to her."

"She loves the cloak and dagger…it's the investigative reporter in her." Ana could see her friend in a gray trench coat, a panama hat tucked over her brow, a reporter's pad and a saw off pencil writing wildly as she worked a story. "She will want to break the news."

"I say let her." Gideon's arm rested on the back of the sofa behind his fiancé's shoulders. His long elegant fingers massaged the back of her neck. "Are you ready for this? I'm not pressuring you into this am I?"

"Gideon, I want this. I don't want the circus of a big New York wedding. This is perfect. All I need is you and a minister…you did find a minister?"

Her beautiful love god smiled. "Yes, we have a minister." He spied the love mark that he left on her neck and he grimaced. "I didn't mean to do that."

"Do what" She asked as she searched over her checklist for the ceremony.

"The hickey. I didn't realize…."

"Shhh, it's alright. It's not a big deal." She leaned into him and kissed the edge of his chin. "Did I complain?"

"I don't want anyone to think that I hurt you…or that I am like him."

"You are nothing like him." She said lowly. "Stop it, Gideon. We chose each other. No one else matters. Not him, not Corrine or the other women who meant nothing to you. This is about you and me."

"Yes, but he meant something to you. You were going to marry him."

"You were going to marry Corrine." She replied. They stared at each other. She could see the regret and worry in his eyes. Was he being self-conscious? Was he worried he didn't measure up to her former fiancé? "Did you love her?"

"I thought I did, but it was just sex. I couldn't sleep with her for a full night. She and I never had that morning after wake up like we have."

"Why?" Ana whispered wondering if he was going to open up even more about his life with the lovely Corrine and why their engagement only lasted a few months.

He only shrugged. "The dreams. I didn't want her to see the night fears and I was afraid I would hurt her."

Ana frowned not understanding. She slept with him every night and never felt in danger. She felt her heart begin to beat a little faster. What was the cause of these night terrors that his medication seemed to keep under control? She had only seen one episode and he woke up quickly when she called out to him. He had yelled out about something hurting and asking for it to stop but she had no idea what plagued his dreams. He wouldn't tell her and she didn't pry. She figured he would tell her as their trust and devotion for each other grew. She didn't want to get into the habit of having to drawing things out of him like she did with Christian. She learned from her former experience that patience in matters such as these was the best course. If anything, Gideon hounded her for information much more than she ever did him. "I know you have night terrors but you have never hurt me. I'm not frightened of you, Gideon."

"You should be." He said taking his arm from around her and sitting forward on the sofa with his forearms on his thighs. "I could hurt you."

Ana stared at the back of his head and noticed the shudders that rippled over his shoulders. He was scared. "Why would you ever hurt me?"

"I can't control what I do when they take over my sleep." He closed his eyes. He couldn't tell her about the monster that lived inside him and was only contained by medications. She loved him he knew, but could she love him if she knew what a damaged piece of humanity he truly was? "Maybe, we shouldn't…." He couldn't say the words. He needed her so much. He couldn't lose the most beautiful and kindest woman he had ever had the good luck to meet. He finally turned and looked at her and saw pain and tears in her eyes. "You should be safe and loved. Ana, I am a monster. I can't control it."

"Are you leaving me?" Her voice was so quiet and small. A tear escaped down her cheek.

"No, but you will leave me someday." He said looking into the future. "I will hurt you and you will hate me."

Ana came to her feet. "Then, why in the hell are we going through all this? Why are we getting married if you are so damn sure that I am walking out?" She was angry. Was he playing games with her? What was going on? Her blue eyes were full of angry fire. She moved away from him as he stood and took a step towards her. "Don't. touch. me." She said through clinched teeth. "You tell me why you are so afraid?"

"I can't." His shoulders slumped in defeat. "You…"

"You can't or you won't?" She stared hard at him. "You know everything about me, about me and husband #3, about Christian and me." She balled her fists at her sides. "I am stripped bare, but once again you stand still dressed in your secrets. Gideon, I have been patient and understanding, but I am getting close to losing my temper."

He didn't want her to know. It was too dark and to painful for her to have in her head. Knowing how much that she loved him, he knew that she would be hurting for him. He didn't want her to be in any kind of pain especially because of his past. "I…can't tell you and believe me it kills me to say that. It's too terrible to face."

For a slight second she felt that she was on her knees before Christian as he told his secrets of abuse by the hands of his mother's pimp and why he had the need to beat little brown haired girls. He had that look of fear and despair in his blue eyes…just like Christian! She could only conclude that he also had been abused is some sort of way. "I can handle it, Gideon. I'm a lot stronger than I look."

"I know that you can, but I can't." He closed his eyes. "I can't handle telling you."

"Who else knows?" She said with a voice full of emotion.

"No one except my shrink who prescribes the medication." He looked down at his shoes. Here he was a man of wealth and statue yet he had to take medicine to keep the boogey man away. "My parents never believed me."

Ana closed her eyes. They both were damaged. She had mental scars that couldn't be seen but his scars were also mental. She knew his body like the back of her hand and she knew there were no scars on his perfect body. Her eyes popped opened! Sexual abuse! He was sexually abused by someone. It made sense. His domineering attitudes about always being in control sexually, his night fears, not sleeping the night with his lovers or the disengaging way he treated them. He didn't trust anyone. He liked to fuck hard, but he never wanted to cause harm. He needed the hard sex but before her he didn't want or couldn't accept the intimacy. "Who hurt you? Just tell me if it was a man or a woman?"

"I can't."

Those two words drove Ana to a higher level of anger. She found her phone and started to punch numbers. "Yes, this is Ana Steele. Cancel all wedding preparations, cancel it all." She clicked off her phone. Her blue eyes went up and down the man that she loved beyond belief. "Good bye, Gideon."

He watched her walk into the bedroom and the door slammed shut. His heart broke into a million pieces leaving him bereft and lost. He had lost her, not because of his dark secret, but because he wouldn't share it with her. He wanted to go to her, but his feet wouldn't move. He could hear her crying, those muffled cries tore at his soul! Gideon then heard her voice talking to someone. He knew she was on her phone once again. He heard airline ticket, New York, and the wedding is off. He stomped over to the door and pulled it open to find her packing her clothes.

"NO!" He yelled his face turning dark. "You are not leaving me." He took her phone and barked into it. "No ticket. Cancel all requests." He then pocketed her phone. "You can't leave me, Ana."

"Watch me." She said lowly. She continued to pull her clothes out of the closet and throw them into her suitcase. She wiped away her angry tears. "You made your choice, Gideon. I can't live like this just waiting for you to trust me as I have trusted you. Our marriage would be doomed if we continue this way." She closed her suitcase and zipped it. "I will send for the rest of my things later."

Gideon tore her suitcase from her hands and threw it across the room. In a matter of a split second he had her flat on her back in the middle of the bed pinning her down. "I said you are not leaving me. I will agree to postpone the wedding, but not you leaving me." He kissed her hard laying claim to her. His lips bruised hers as one hand held her arms above her head and his other hand began to travel over her body. He yanked down the boyshorts that she was wearing and his fingers dipped into her exposed warmth.

Ana felt the fear of her youth come shooting out of her soul. Husband #3's hands all over her as he called her a little cock tease. She would not be a victim. She had lived through that and Christian Grey and she would not be a victim by the hands of a man that was supposed to love her.

"Gideon Cross." She managed to say when she ripped her lips away. "Let me go."

Her voice penetrated his madness and he fell off her onto the bed. "Fuck." He said almost to himself. "Leave Ana. Run as fast as you can. Go back to New York, Seattle…where ever but get away from the monster before he destroys you."

"There is no monster, Gideon, there is only you and only you can destroy me if you choose to." She slowly lifted herself off the bed. "I can guess what happened. I see it in your eyes." She kept her back to him in hopes that not having eye contact would be easier for him. "You were abused as a child."

"Not physically abused."

Ana closed her eyes and took another breath. Should she continue? Was it fair to push him into confessing his pain? She was afraid that she would do him more harm. "When you are ready to talk let me know." She bit her lip to keep from crying. "I won't leave you, but I will get another room. Maybe, we need a break from this…we are moving too fast."

"Anastasia…Ana…please." He held out his hand to her willing her to turn and look at him. See the broken man before you. See what the monster does! You don't want this. You don't need this. What woman would want this? Why do you love me? Why should you love me? You can have any man in the world and yet you want me. Why? Why? Why? "I don't deserve you."

She couldn't turn and look at him. Her heart would break to see those blue eyes lifeless. "You deserve to be free from whatever monster you believe that is in you."

"You just saw him. If you hadn't stopped him, he would have hurt you. He takes over. He hurts me, but he will hurt anyone around me."

"That's why you never slept the night with your fiancé or the others." She stated lowly. She remained still not moving a muscle. "What does this monster do to you?"

"He fucks me."

Holy Fucking Shit! Fuck!