WARNING! This chapter deals with sexual child abuse. There will be no flashbacks of the abuse, but it will be discussed between two people trying to save their love and relationship.

Chapter 14: The Darkest Before the Dawn

Holy Fucking Shit! Fuck! Ana stood ramrod stiff with her back to Gideon. She couldn't move even if she wanted to. He had been raped! She felt sick to her stomach. Not because of him, but because of the evil in the world where people preyed upon children for their sexual releases. She knew the fear and humiliation that Gideon must have gone through. She remembered the times that Husband #3 would touch her. It made her skin crawl. However, she had been the fortunate one; she managed to escape her monster, but not Gideon. He had no one to believe him. His family didn't believe him. They didn't protect him from the monster. She understood now why he hated the family home and couldn't spend five minutes with his Mother and Step-Father. She finally found the strength to turn and face the man that she adored and loved. His eyes were cold and lifeless. He had gone into a shell to protect himself. She knew that look well; she had mastered the shell to protect herself throughout her life from bullies and shitheads.

"It doesn't change things between us." She heard herself say. "I still love you, Gideon. I still want to be your wife and the mother of your children."

Nothing. Silence. He stared past her, his blue eyes void of any emotion. He was empty.

"He didn't rape me, but he came close a few times." She whispered. "He tried to, but I was so small that it hurt him. He would force me to lick his balls and suck his cock. The first man I ever saw come was my Step-father when he came on my face." She whimpered as the memory pained her. "I've never told anyone that. Not even Christian. Dad never knew, I couldn't tell my Father that. He nearly killed Husband #3 when he learned about the physical abuse. I couldn't tell. I was too scared. At times, I am still scared." She closed her eyes. Even after all these years, the pain was still unresolved and she wondered if it ever will be. "Someone asked me how I remained a virgin for so long. It was easy for me; I didn't want anyone touching me. I was so afraid of sex. The minute a guy showed any romantic interest in me, I shut down and I ran." She felt the tears threatening to fall. "Christian broke through all that. Fuck, he crashed through it. I know now that I had to experience Christian to get me ready for you. Gideon, you are the love of my life. I need to be with you. I need to care for you. I need you to need me." She swallowed a sob. "And, you need me, Gideon…more than you even know. I am the only woman who could ever truly understand you and who isn't afraid of you. I refuse to let you scare me away."

"You are the strongest woman I know." His voice was so soft that Ana barely heard him. "But, I can't take the risk of hurting you."

"How would you hurt me?"

He tried not to look at her, but those blue eyes of her put a spell on him. He couldn't resist staring into them. "I will rape you in my sleep."

"Holy Fuck!" She whispered. She sat on the foot of the bed trying to connect all the dots. The medication that made him sleep kept him from acting out his own abuse. He was afraid that he would act out on her. It was the reason why he never slept the whole night with anyone. "You …have you with someone?"

He opened his mouth but he had no words to explain. How he could tell her these things? How could he let her see the dark monster that lived within him? "Ana, I…don't know how…I…"

"Just say it, Gideon. Let it go." She prompted him.

"I almost raped this girl I picked up at a bar. I was drunk and I passed out. When I woke up, I was on top of her, choking her and trying to fuck her! She tried to scream but I was choking her so hard…she passed out. When she stopped struggling…I came to. I thought I killed her." He crumbled onto the bed and started to weep. "I could have killed her."

"But, you didn't." She stayed at the foot of the bed to give him space.
"You don't understand, I wanted to kill her…I wanted to kill the monster."

Ana wanted so much to gather him into her arms and soothe his fears and angers. "I can relate, Gideon. I still want to hunt him down and put him in the ground."

Gideon sat back on his knees. To hear his beloved Goddess state that she wanted to kill someone bothered him. He could see the pain and anger still in her. He had been so caught up in his own nightmares that he didn't see that she was fighting demons of her own. Knowing that she understood, Gideon opened up like he had never done with anyone. "I was only a boy when it started. He would force himself on me when he came to visit our home for my therapy. He was supposed to help me, but he hurt me." His voice was weak. It hurt to even say the words. He could feel the burn in his belly. "My father committed suicide when it was learned that he had embezzled millions of dollars from his clients. My mother and I were ruined in the society that she loved so much, but she managed to find another rich husband. When she married Chris Vidal she retained her social standing. Her first course was to make sure that she could keep her new sugar daddy so she got pregnant with Christopher. I was the black sheep of the family. I was angry at everyone. I acted out. Mother and Chris took me to different therapists but nothing helped. I was in and out of different schools. I was violent. All I could do was lash out at everyone. Mother found a therapist who would come to the house…and he…he was the one." He looked away. He couldn't look into those beautiful blue eyes and speak about such ugliness. "He forced me…and he would always make me come, telling me that I wanted it." Gideon's eyes finally focused on Ana. She was as still as a statue but two little tears rolled down her cheek. "I told my mother but she didn't believe me. The therapist said it was my way to try to get rid of him. I was labeled a liar and the abuse continued until I got big enough to fight him off."

"No one else knew?" Her voice was so soft and full of emotion.

"Two other people knew…the therapist's assistant and my little brother Christopher." His mouth went into a firm line as the anger filled his soul. "They knew and they covered for the monster."

"Gideon, come to me." Ana whispered as she opened her arms to him and asked him to accept her love and support. "Let me hold you."

"I can't. I'm dirty. Ana, there's a monster in me that I can't control."

"Bullshit!" She said with hardness in her voice. "You have slept beside me for nearly every night for months and you have never hurt me." She came to her feet and walked around the bed and stood next to him. "Why would you hurt me now?"

"The monster will reappear. He always does." He closed his eyes. "I will hurt you…maybe not today or tomorrow, but sometime it will happen."

"Gideon, even if you did try to hurt me, do you think I would blame you?" She reached out and touched his silky black hair. "Caesar, I love you more than I love myself. You cannot get rid of me. I won't let you push me away."

Gideon turned his body to face her. His arms went around her waist and pulled her between his legs. With his height he was almost eye to eye to his little Goddess. "If I ever hurt you, it will kill me."

"Then, don't leave me, Gideon. I can take anything but that." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "We belong together. We understand each other. You will help me through my bullshit and I will help you through yours. Together we will heal." She leaned forward and kissed his lips so very softly. "I want to heal you."

"I want to heal you." He repeated knowing that he couldn't live without her. Even though he wanted to protect her even from himself, he couldn't let go. His life was Ana. She made him want to be a better person and to have happiness. "What do we do now?"

"I don't know." She said lowly. "I do know that I love you and I want to be with you."

"I want to be with you also." He held her close. "We have family coming in. What do we do now?"

"We have two choices, we call off this wedding for good or we get married tomorrow as planned."

"For good? You mean never?"

"Gideon, if we walk away now, we may never get another chance to get married the way we want without all the fanfare and paparazzi."

Gideon's emotions were on the edge. He was barely holding on. He couldn't lose her, but he was still afraid. "Do you still…"

"Yes." She said climbing into his lap and laying her head against his chest to hear his heart beat. "I want you, and only you. You might want to get on the phone and tell everyone the wedding is back on before they scrape everything."

Gideon trembled knowing that he was capable of hurting this woman but for some reason she still wanted to marry him. She must really love him and he wasn't sure he deserved it. "You want me to call and get everything back on schedule?"

"If you would?" She placed her hand on his chest. "I love you Gideon." She stayed on his lap as he found his phone and made the calls. The wedding was back on with just one phone call. She bit her lip nervously. Could they really heal each other? Could two people so fucked up help each other? She couldn't save Christian from his demons how could she save Gideon? Or did she already save him and that is why he finally told her about his nightmares?

"It's done." He said as he lay back in the bed with her still in his lap. "We are getting married tomorrow at noon as we have planned."

"Then, I guess I better get things going. I am sure Kate, Rachel and Ireland will be taking me out for a few drinks to celebrate my last night of "singledom"." She had to laugh. "Elliot and Jeb will probably drag you to some strip bar."

Gideon had to smile. He hadn't been to a strip bar in a very long time. "Hmmm…looking at some stranger's ta-ta's, not a big fan of that, but I guess I could do it for the guys!" He grunted when she gave him a slap on the belly. He lost his smile. "Are you sure, Ana? We can always wait."

"Why should we wait? We know that we love each other and we both have crap in our lives. Are we going to let the ghosts of our pasts destroy the life we can have? I don't know about you, but I am not going to let Husband #3 win. I will be happy, and that's the best revenge in the world."

Gideon picked her up and placed her on his chest. His big hands clasped her buttocks and squeezed lightly. "We will be happy, Ana. I promise you I will do everything I can to make you happy."

"Listen, my darling man, you do make me happy." She reached up and kissed him on his chin, his cheek, and then his nose, then his mouth. "Also, you fuck so well."

"Just well?" He grinned at her with his sexy and wicked smile.

"Fantastic, marvelous, great, and magical."

Within seconds Gideon turned her over on to her back. His hands were running over her body. He loved touching her. Every inch of her was pure beauty. "We could make love now, or wait until we are married."

"Do you want to wait?"

Gideon laughed. "Never." He said as his mouth captured hers and for awhile all their worries were put aside as their passions rose and covered their bodies. Their nightmares and pasts were forgotten for now and all they knew was each other and the hope for a new day.