Hi guys! The story is quickly coming to an end - I only have 2 chapters left. This one wasn't the easiest to write, but it had to be done :) I hope it will be more enjoyable to read :)
Anyway, thanks for sticking with me for so long and do enjoy!
And as always - pls tell me what you think!
L.
"Lisa, I need to talk to you." – Dean took her hand and led her to the couch. He spent the last night at Sam's to sober up and get himself under control before speaking to her. This was a perfect chance as Ben went on a sleepover to his school friend and they were alone.
"Sure. I actually have something to tell you too." – She beamed and Dean felt the guilt in him raising its ugly head.
"Alright, but… Look there's so much I have to tell you… I've told you some of my previous life, you know, about the hunt and all, but there's more."
"Will you finally tell me what happened to you? Will you tell me what had hurt you so much?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'd like to talk to you about, but not only that. I want to tell you about my life before we met – who I was and who I still am."
"Good, I was hoping you will someday. But before you do, there's something I have to tell you and I think you'll be really happy about it! Sorry, I'm just bubbling with it, I can't hold it in anymore!"
"Ok, alright, what is it?" – He smiled despite his sullen mood – her enthusiasm was infectious.
"Dean! You know how I wasn't feeling too well lately? It turns out there was a reason for that – I'm pregnant!" – She chimed smiling broadly.
"You… You what?" – He asked perplexed. He couldn't have heard it right.
"I know! I wasn't expecting that too! I mean, I'm on the pill and all! Oh my God, I still can't believe it! Dean, we're having a baby!"
Dean just stared at her blankly.
"You're pregnant?" – He asked silently trying feverishly to wrap his head around it. – "You're pregnant?"
She looked at him curiously, his expression and his tone startling her.
"Dean, are you alright? I mean… It's good news, right?"
It took couple of moments for Dean to pull himself together, couple of long seconds of silence and utter inability to speak.
"Yes." – He finally breathed and shook his head to clear it. He'd think later, now he needed to be here. – "Yes, of course it's good news! You're… I mean are you sure?"
"Well I'll have to go to a doctor, but I did the test and they're like 99% correct, so yes, I'm pretty sure!" – She was smiling broadly again. – "Are you… I don't know. Are you happy?"
"I'm going to be a dad." – He said silently, still dazed. – "I'm gonna be a dad again."
"Again?"
"Ben."
"Oh." – She laughed happily then. – "Yes, I suppose you're gonna be a dad again!"
She wrapped her arms around Dean's shoulders, bubbling with joy and happiness. Dean hugged her back, holding her closely but somewhat carefully. She knew it was because she was carrying a new life in her. All was perfect.
/\/\/\
"Sam, what the hell? Is it some sort of universal joke?" – Dean was back at Sam's the next day. It pained Sam to see his brother like that – his shoulders slumped, his eyes darting.
"Dean…"
"No, really! Is it some kind of a sick joke? I can't have what I want no matter what I do, but hey – why don't I have something else I really want?" – He laughed bitterly. – "I wanted to have a kid someday, I really did, but honestly, why now? Why did it have to happen now, when I made my choice and was happy with it?"
"I'm sorry…"
"That's the thing though! How can you be sorry? You're gonna be an uncle! And how the fuck can I be sorry when I'm going to have a kid?" – He was almost yelling now.
"I'm sorry you're losing him again." – He said simply. – "I'm sorry for the pain you'll go through and I sure as hell am sorry for the pain he'll go through…"
"How can I leave him? Seriously, I don't know how I will go on without him… How can I fucking leave him when even the thought of it makes me want to scream?"
"You've got to get real now Dean." – Sam said suddenly, sternly. – "Lisa's pregnant, she needs you and so does the baby. You've got sort out your priorities!"
"I know that! I just don't know how am I gonna handle it."
"You'll pull yourself together and you'll do the right thing, do you hear me? You can't put this on Cas!"
"I'm not going to!"
"Really? It sounds to me that you are! This is your mess, you clean it up! Don't you dare ask him what to do! Don't you dare show him how much it hurts, because it hurts him tenfold!"
"I fucking know it'll hurt him! Why'd you think it's so hard? You think it's me I worry about? Get real! I never worry about me, you moron! It's him I care about!"
"If you care about him then do it right! Tell him you'll be happy with Lisa, because that's all that keeps him sane!"
"You think it'd be better if I told him this is what I want?" – Dean asked startled. He hadn't even considered that.
"You fucking right it would! Honestly, do you know him at all?"
"And how the hell do you know him that well?" – Dean hissed. – "Been spending a lot of time with him, haven't you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"That means you should leave him alone!" – He growled angrily, his temper flaring. The idea alone of Cas being with anyone enraged him beyond reason.
"What? Are you fucking out of your mind? You're going to break his heart and you want me to stay away?!" – Sam shouted now. – "You don't deserve him, you idiot! What kind of love is that if you want him to suffer alone?!"
And with that all the fight was out of Dean. He hid his face in his hands and just sobbed silently.
"I don't want him to suffer… I want to be with him… I just want him…"
"Will you leave Lisa and the baby for him?" – Sam asked silently, but persistently.
"I can't…"
"Then just end this. Don't make it harder on any of you, just end it and move on." – Sam sat besides Dean and hugged him. – "I know it's hard, but don't make it even harder. You've got to do right by Lisa, so just do it. You'll be ok – you managed to almost get over him once, you'll do it again. You've got good life with Lisa and Ben. And now you'll have a baby to care for. It'll all be ok Dean."
"Yeah… And you… Will you take care of him for me? Will you make sure he's alright?"
"Dean… You know he won't be alright – the way he loves you… But I'll do the best I can. He's my family too, you know, even though you always thought he was your angel."
"He is my angel."
"Well guess what – he's mine too." – Sam said simply and the frowned at the expression on Dean's face. – "Don't you give me that look! I know he's yours in many ways I don't even want to think about, but he's my family. He's almost a brother to me, whether or not you like it."
"I like it. He'll need family now. That Samandriel sounds fishy, you take care of him, ok?"
"Oh my God, enough with the jealousy! Samandriel saved him from Israfil. He was his friend many centuries before you were even born. He will need all the support he can get and Samandriel will definitely be there for him. I'll be there for him too."
"Fine. And I'll do it right. I'll make him believe I'm happy. It won't even be that difficult – he believes I'll choose them anyway."
"Yeah, well, neither of you two is good at seeing yourself clearly. He thinks he doesn't deserve you, you know? He actually thinks he's got nothing to offer. And you… You're and idiot, granted, but you've got all he wants and you don't even know it."
"It doesn't matter anymore. You're right; I have to do the right thing. Just… Take care of him, please? He's been through so much, I wish I could… well, you know what's it like, you've been on the receiving end of torture."
"I'll do all I can Dean."
"Yeah, you do that."
/\/\/\
"Castiel? I have to speak to you Cas. Please come." – He sucked in a deep breath, composing himself.
Cas appeared in front of him, careful to keep his distance and Dean felt unbelievably grateful for that. He had to control himself perfectly now. He had to this right.
"Dean." – He smiled his small smile which faded into nothing as he drank in Dean's expression. He knew he had barely a flicker of hope, but it turns out he hoped nevertheless.
"I need to talk to you." – Dean said calmly.
And now Castiel smiled sadly at him.
"You came to a decision." – He stated. There was no question now. – "A right one, I see."
"Yes. I'm sorry Cas, I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. But this is the right thing."
"I know."
"Lisa and Ben are my family. I love them."
"I know." – He repeated. Against his will his shoulders slumped a little. And here he thought he was ready for this! Here he thought he'd just accept it and live with it!
"We're… We have happy life there. I mean... We work, you know? It's like… It's not the tide of everything like it is with you, but it's good and constant and comforting. And fuck it, Cas, I really need something stable and good in my life!"
"You made the right choice, Dean." – He had no idea why, but he felt Dean needed the reassurance. It hurt him to say this, but it was truth – Cas really believed Dean was doing the right thing. In the end of the day – all Cas wished for him was happiness. There was selfishness and possessiveness hidden deep inside him, but those traits didn't define him. Above all he loved Dean and wanted him to be happy, even if that meant he left him for good.
"I feel like shit for what I did to you, Cas."
"Don't. I made my choices, you made yours. Free will, you know. I have no regrets."
"Will you… Will you forgive me?"
"Dean… You fail to grasp what I'm telling you. I have nothing to forgive you for. You didn't purposefully hurt me. We've just been… Well what else were we to expect? I mean I'm an angel! What kind of relationship could we have had? Those few moments together were all it could have been, really! I think it's better this way – at least we didn't really try before you left me. This way I can lie to myself convincingly it was just not meant to be rather than that you simply didn't want me!"
Dean dropped his gaze to the floor trying to compose himself. With all his being he longed to pull Cas into a hug and never let go. He would spend his entire life telling him just how wrong he was, how much he really wanted him, how much he loved him. It wasn't Cas that didn't have anything to offer, it was Dean who was unworthy of this love and it pained Dean he couldn't tell him that.
"Hey, it's not a lie. I wanted you." – The usage of the past tense seemed wrong on so many levels. – "I just… I love my family, I need them."
"I understand." – The angel nodded and then looked at Dean's eyes intently, piercingly. – "You will be happy, right?"
"Yeah, yeah I will. I just wish I could make it easier for you…"
"Just be happy then, it'll do the trick." – He smiled sadly again and then asked. – "Can I hug you?"
Dean just stepped closer and pulled him into a hug without a word.
"I've said good bye to you so many times now." – Cas whispered resting his head on Dean's shoulder. It was wrong and he knew it, but it felt so right all the same. – "You'd think it should be easier."
"No, it's not easier. I hate saying good bye to you. I really hate it." – And still he wouldn't let go.
"I wish you didn't have to. I know it's unfair and incredibly selfish of me to tell you this now, but I really wish you didn't have to."
"It's ok Cas. I wish I didn't have to hurt you too. But I can't have everything and fuck it – I'm really not that kind of a person. I wouldn't want to cheat on either of you… Damn it Cas, if only there was a way for us to be friends again!"
"Yes well… Maybe sometime, some years from now we'll meet again and will be able to be friends? Have a drink and few laughs about the time we used to… love." – This was absurd of course. The lifespan of the human was too short for the angel to stop loving, but maybe he would be strong enough to pretend?
Dean's arms hugged him closer involuntarily.
"I wish we did. Cas… You're still family, you know? I understand you probably won't wish to see me, but at least visit Sammy, ok? He loves you too."
"I know." – Cas said and finally tried to pull back. Dean held on for a second longer and then let go of an angel.
"Good bye Cas. Take care of yourself, alright?"
"You too Dean. And be happy!" – With the last glance at the former hunter Castiel sighed and disappeared.