Hi Guys!
Here is the last chapter of this fic! I actually made it this far - this is almost the end of my first ever SPN fiction! :) There still will be an epilogue, just to tie things up and also because I wanted to see what their lives will be like. But for now, hope you enjoy it, thanks for sticking with me through all of this and let me know if you liked it :)
Kisses, L.
"Man, it's been five months! Let's get out, go play bowling or something!" – Sam whined as Cas shook his head resolutely. That's the way they roll apparently – Sam calls for Cas every once in a while and as Castiel comes, he tries to distract him with some nonsense, some silly proposals or sometimes, and those are the times Cas likes the most, the hunt. The hunt does it for Cas. He focuses on the hunt. He becomes his former self – emotionless, calculating and deadly efficient. He knows it freaks Sam out, but he loves the hunt. He feels an angel again when he hunts. He feels useful and needed. And so despite hating this composed and lethal Cas, sometimes Sam asks him to join him, because it makes Cas forget Dean for the time being and also because… Because Sam is lonely too. This loneliness above all other things is what brought them together. Sam can feel the pain and loss rolling of Cas every time they meet and he knows Cas feels his loneliness too.
"I don't wish to go bowling or something. You shouldn't call me from Heaven for such trivial things." – Cas scolded although he knew this is not why Sam called him. He called him because he cared about him and that made him a little less miserable.
"Yeah, yeah. You should only be called in case of the mortal peril, I know." – He frowned. – "Cas, would you let yourself live a little? It could be fun!"
"I let myself live a little. It didn't turn out great for me." – Cas flinched.
"Sorry…"
"It's alright." – Cas nodded and then he asked before he could stop himself. – "Is he alright?"
And that was also the way they rolled. Castiel never went to actually look at how Dean was doing and he tried his best not to ask about Dean, not to pry into his life, but it always just slipped. The need to know Dean was alright was stronger than any resolve he could muster.
"Cas!"
"Just tell me Sam. I just need to know."
"He's alright." – He lied smoothly. Sam mastered this lie, he had to.
"Good." – He sighed with relief, but also with so much pain Sam flinched at it.
"Ok, I have the case. If you really don't want to just chill for a moment, then we can just work on the case."
"I want to work on the case." – Castiels agreed at once. He needed this distraction more than anything.
"Fine, let me get my stuff and you can zap us to Connecticut – I think there's a vendigo there."
"I like how you don't mind me zapping us. I hate going places by car." – Castiel confessed. Dean didn't like zapping so Cas would go with him by car, but it made him scowl a lot.
"Yeah, I know I'm the smart one in the family." – Sam laughed. – "Honestly, if you had to pick whose angel to be, you should've picked me!"
Castiel's face fell at these words.
"I didn't get to pick." – He said silently.
"Oh, man, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it this way, I was just joking around, that's all…"
"I know, it's alright… I am your angel too, you know. You're family."
"I know, really! Look, just forget it, ok? I know you're tender around the edges with the whole Dean thing, I should've been more sensitive about it."
"Let's not talk about that, ok? Let's just go to Connecticut and banish that vendigo."
"Ok, I'm ready. Zip and zap and don't drop me!"
"You're being ridiculous Sam. I would never drop you."
"Yeah, yeah. I know you angels – you sneaky that way!" – He laughed.
"I've never been sneaky in my life!" – Castiel scoffed indignantly. – "And I have never dropped anyone while… zapping."
"Yeah, and you were never the one to get the joke, too. You fool, I'm just messing with you!"
"Oh… Well quit it, I'm not in the joking mood really."
"No shit. Ok, let's go Cas. Oh, and after we're finished, you take me someplace to eat – I'm starving."
Castiel rolled his eyes exasperated and then placed his hand on Sam's shoulder pulling him into the darkness.
/\/\/\
"Dean, I think we need to talk." – Lisa came down from their bedroom to the living room and sat on the couch next to Dean.
"Yeah?" – He raised his eyes to meet hers. She was sad and that pained him. She was usually sad these days.
"Yes. This can't go on and you know it. I need you to talk to me."
"I don't really…"
"Don't you dare tell me there's nothing to talk about, Dean." – There was a steely glint in her eyes now. – "I'm pregnant, not stupid."
"Lisa…"
"I got you were badly hurt when we started things. I saw your suffering even though you tried to hide it from me. I assumed you've lost someone you loved and that threw you off completely."
'Why do you want to talk about that?" – He asked wearily.
"Because I understood it then. I tried to help you, to support you every way I could. I saw the man you were Dean – good and honest man, good father to my son and I wanted to pull you out of whatever depths you were in, to have you in our lives. I thought it was working – you became part of our lives and we became part of yours. But now… What's happened Dean? Why did you pull away?" – There was a plea so desperate in her voice now that Dean could barely resist.
"I didn't pull away. I just… There has been some stuff on my mind lately, stuff I need to deal with. And I'm just really tired."
"You're so tired you didn't have sex with me in over six months now?" – She asked bitterly. – "You're so tired you prefer to sleep on the couch almost every single night? I mean I get it, I'm pregnant and maybe… I don't know, maybe it's just not your thing. But six months ago it wasn't even showing!"
"Lisa, that's not it. Please calm down, it's not good for you two."
"Then what the hell is it?" – She asked pleadingly again, but then pulled herself together sucking in a deep breath. – "Is there someone else?"
"If you're asking am I cheating on you, the answer is no, I'm not." – Dean replied flatly.
Lisa looked at him for a long while.
"This is not what I'm asking Dean." – She said finally, her eyes widening. – "Is there someone else?"
And now Dean looked at her for a long while. He looked at her drinking in the sadness in her eyes, the suspicion and fear. He looked at her marveling at how big she's gotten being almost seven months along. He looked at her and tried to find the strength to lie again and to make it count.
"No." – He said finally. – "There's no one else in my life but you."
"You know how I said you are a good man? That's your greatest weakness too – you just can't lie…"
"I'm not lying Lisa. It's just you."
"What has changed six months ago?" – She asked. – "It's not the pregnancy, because you changed even before I told you I was pregnant. It has something to do with the accident, doesn't it? You were never the same afterwards."
Dean couldn't help marveling how perceptive she was and how ultimately well she knew him despite his lies and pretences.
"Let's just stop it, ok? Nothing's changed. I'll get through this and it'll be alright."
But the woman just shook her head.
"No, it won't be. Because no matter what you say, you're not really with me Dean."
"I'm right here!"
"Are you? And where are your thoughts when you're right here? Where are your thoughts when I have to ask you the simplest of questions couple of times before you even hear me? Where are you, when you think I don't see you and I see that same expression of pain on your face that was there all that time ago? What have you done Dean? What has changed?"
"Please…" – He begged silently now.
"Did I ever tell you Ben's father had asked me to marry him?" – She asked all of the sudden changing the subject. – "I didn't, did I? Yes, well he did ask me to marry him. The way he put it – 'I'll do good by you, Lisa, that's my responsibility, my kid…'. I threw him the hell out of my life and I never regretted it. I'd much rather raise the kid alone, as I have already done, than live this half life. I want to be with the man who's mine, do you understand?"
Dean dropped his gaze to the floor. He understood, alright. He wasn't really hers. In the bottom of his heart, he remained Cas'.
"I knew you were taken when I met you last year. But you had lost love and I thought we might build a home together, since you had no hope of reuniting with her. I thought she was dead and that made all the difference – there was hope for us. Is that true? Did you lose your love?"
Dean nodded his head silently. He didn't trust himself with words now.
"Yes, and devastating as it was, you let us into your life and we were good. But now… There's someone else… You're not with us anymore."
Dean hid his head in his palms for a second. He just couldn't do it anymore. He'll be the jerk and an asshole who left his pregnant woman, but he couldn't be this liar anymore.
He raised his head and met her eyes.
"Yes, there's someone else."
Lisa's shoulders slumped and she started shivering slightly.
"I knew there was, but the lies you tell yourself are still so powerful…"
"I'm so sorry… I'm so fucking sorry…"
"Don't… Do I know her?" – She asked fiercely.
"It's not like that. I'm not cheating on you." – He said silently.
"Aren't you? What do you call this? Or is it love you have with her?" – She saw the truth in Dean's eyes and gasped. – "When the hell did you fall in love with that bitch?"
"It's not like that." – He repeated and then took a deep breath before continuing. She had the right to know the truth and he'd tell her as much as she wanted to hear. – "It's the same person I thought I lost… Six months ago I found out he was alive."
Lisa looked at him bewildered as the both pieces of information sunk in. The same person? He was alive? HE?
"Did you say 'he'?" – She asked incredulously.
"Yes, I said he."
"Since when are you gay?!" – She shouted now, unable to contain herself.
"It's complicated…"
"It sounds simple as hell to me – you're in love with a man!"
"Well… Actually, I love the angel."
It took couple of moments for Lisa to process that. She gaped at him, wide eyed, bewildered as the pieces of the puzzle fell neatly in their places.
"Castiel."
Dean nodded.
"Yes, Castiel."
"That's just… sick! And insane! What are you thinking?"
"It's not about thinking. I fell in love with him long ago, way before we met. I thought I lost him to the war… You saw me then, you were right. I had no hope left, he was supposed to be dead. And then I met you and Ben and… I love you both very much and I really thought we might make it work." – His voice was full of anxiety now.
"And then he came back and… What? What kind of relationship is it anyway? He's an angel! Aren't they supposed to be good? How could an angel have done this to my family?"
"He hadn't." – Dean said at once. – "Once he saw us, he left, he didn't even show up to me. It's Sammy who called him when I was dying, he wouldn't have come otherwise… And even after that, he refused to come back for a long time, he didn't want to come in the middle of this."
"Well, he sure as hell did it anyway!" – There were tears in her eyes now and it pained Dean, but he had to make it clear.
"No, he didn't. He had always been here. He was in my heart to begin with and not the other way around. Look, it's my fuck up, not Castiel's. I know you're angry and disappointed, but it's me you should be angry with. He told me to stay with you time and again. He never wanted to break our family. It's all me, Lisa. It's I who just can't carry on anymore."
"Then why the hell didn't you tell me?"
"You're pregnant." – He said silently. – "I never wanted to hurt you in the first place and least of all now!"
"Are you kidding me?!" – She shouted. – "You were pulling 'let's stay together for the kid's sake' bit on me?"
"I thought I was doing the right thing." – Dean answered. – "Hell, I knew I was doing the right thing. I didn't intend to be with you for the kid, I wanted to save this family – the whole family, you, me, Ben and the kid. I thought I might be able to do that, to pull myself together and make all of us happy again!"
"But you can't, can you?" – She asked silently now, tears spilling down her cheeks.
"I really can't." – He replied and there were tears in his eyes too. – "I will do whatever you want, I will help and support you in any way you want, but I can't do this. I love you all and I want to be the dad for Ben and the kid, but I just can't be your man… I'm so fucking sorry, Lisa…"
She suddenly clutched his shirt and hid her face in his chest, crying silently. Dean wrapped his arms around her tiny shoulders and cried with her for the loss of the family that was dear to him no matter what, for the pain he inflicted on her and is still to inflict on Ben, for the loss of the future that was once already in the horizon, but now nowhere to be seen… And all the while he stroked her hair and murmured his apologies in broken whispers, wishing there was a chance for her to forgive him.
/\/\/\
Dean lied motionless on the bed of the motel room staring at the ceiling. He'd been lying like this for a long time trying to sort through the mess and jumble of different thoughts and emotions in his head. The motel room was so familiar it was absurd. He hadn't been living in a motel for almost two years, but the habits were there as always. This motels room, more than anything else, proved that he no longer had home. He considered going to Sammy at first, but decided not to. Not yet anyway. He needed to think and to decide what he was going to do next.
The way they left it off with Lisa had given him hope that maybe they would make it work somehow. They agreed neither Ben nor the baby should suffer for Dean's mistakes. Ben loved Dean and Dean definitely loved Ben and Lisa knew it. She knew Ben would be devastated if Dean left for good, so she allowed Dean to visit twice a week. This felt more of the divorce than anything else.
In the end Lisa, although heartbroken and devastated, was still the same person he fell in love with. She was kind and caring and she promised to work with him on getting all this mess work for the sake of them all. This was more than Dean deserved. He was a complete asshole to all of them, including Cas.
Cas. What the hell was he supposed to do about Cas? He wanted him still, more than ever, but… He had left him so many times now. What if Cas refuses to come back? What if this is definitely it? Even so, he knew he made the right decision to tell Lisa the truth. She was right in the end – it wasn't fair to keep her without being truly hers. Even if Cas didn't come back, Dean knew he'd made the right thing in the end.
He stood up from the bed and looked around.
"So what now?" – He asked the empty room. – "Hunt again? Travel the country up and down all the time?"
He knew he wouldn't do it. He had Ben and the kid now and they needed him. He won't become his father, coming back every couple of weeks, just to tell him he'd done something wrong. He'd stay here.
"Then what? New life?" – He asked again. – "What can I offer him? What the hell do I have to offer? Oh just fuck it. He'll take me back or he won't, it's as easy as that."
With that he went to take a shower.
/\/\/\
"Cas?" – He called. He sat on his bed again, his hair still dripping wet. He felt fresh again. He felt as if he had washed the immense load of him. He did the right thing in the end, even though that made him a complete jerk. – "Cas, if you hear me…"
/\/\/\
"Sam, do you know if something's wrong with Dean?" – Castiel asked suddenly. They were in a diner in the middle of nowhere.
"No, why?" – He asked wearily.
"He's calling me."
"Oh shit, what now?!"
/\/\/\
"Cas, it's not an emergency, I just want to talk to you… If you don't want to, you know… You don't have to come, I just wish you would."
/\/\/\
"He's alright. He just wants to speak to me." – Cas exhaled with relief.
"No!"
"Sam?"
"Cas, don't you go there. I'll kick his stupid ass when I see him! What's he playing at? For crying out loud, he has a family! Why would he drag you back into all of this?"
"I don't know. I want to go." – He said silently.
/\/\/\
'"Cas, even if you don't want to come… I just wanted to tell you that… Oh fuck, Cas I can't speak about this with the ceiling! Please come!"
/\/\/\
"Cas, don't do this! You'll get hurt again, don't you do that…" – Sam was looking at him with so much pity now. And yet Cas could barely resist the pull, the urge to go back.
"It might be important." – He said reasonably although his longing to go was far from reasonable. It was pure need to go.
"Of course it is! It's always important, but seriously man, if he's not in a life threatening condition, just don't go. Don't start this over… I'll speak to him when we go back, ok? I might as well put him in the life threatening condition myself!" – He hissed. He was so angry with Dean now. The idiot had asked him to take care of the angel, to make sure he was ok and now he was threatening to destroy all that he managed to do! Not that there was much to destroy – Cas' every spare thought was with Dean and Sam knew that very well.
/\/\/\
"Castiel, I know I'm not worth it, I know I don't deserve your time anymore, but please, I'm begging you… If you care for me even a little bit, please come."
/\/\/\
"I'm going Sam. I'm sorry. I have to go."
"You two are plain idiots!" – Sam growled, but then just shrugged. – "Fine, go. You know where to find me when he breaks your heart again…"
"I'm sorry." – Cas repeated.
/\/\/\
"I'm here." – He said silently and watched as Dean jumped up startled and the sighed with relief.
"You came." – He said.
"Yes, I have no strength to withstand your calling."
"Ok, ok…" – Dean said absently. – "Could you come and sit with me for a moment?"
Castiel approached him and sat on the corner of the bed. He was weary of what was happening. He sensed Dean was sad, miserable even and had no idea why.
"I told her everything." – He suddenly said and looked the angel in the eye.
"What do you mean?" – He tilted his head.
"I told Lisa about you and me. I told her everything and then I left."
Castiel looked at him for a long moment failing to understand what he was hearing.
"Why?" – He finally uttered.
"Because I couldn't lie anymore."
"Lie? But you… I thought you were happy!" – There was a tone of accusation in Cas' voice.
"No, I wasn't happy. I tried to be, I really did, but I wasn't remotely happy."
"Why?" – He asked again.
"That's not the right question to ask, Cas."
But this time Castiel just couldn't ask that question.
"You said you wanted them." – He said flatly.
"I lied."
"No…"
"Yes, I lied. I wanted to want them, I thought it was right to want them, but I just didn't, not the way I should."
"You said you would be happy!" – He accused again.
"I lied. Well, not really. I tried, but there was no way I could make it."
"Why?"
"Again, not the right question, Cas."
"You've left me to be with your family." – He said silently looked down to his hands.
"I had to try. I would have hated myself if I hadn't tried. Cas… Back then I have made a decision to stay with you. You are part of me, I knew it then and I sure as hell know it now. But… When I was about to tell Lisa I'd be leaving, she told me... Fuck it, Lisa's pregnant."
"What?" – Cas raised his head now. His expression was shifting from disbelief to anger. – "Is this some sort of the cruel joke?"
"No, of course not!"
"Why did you call me? Did you want to share the happy news?" – Castiel was furious now. – "Do you want my congratulations?"
"Cas…"
"No, Dean. This is enough already. I thought you at the very least cared about me, but really, what kind of affection is this? What are you doing now?"
"What am I doing? I'm trying to explain you why I left you again! I never wanted to leave you Cas! It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but… I thought I was doing the right thing! I thought I owed them at least that much – a chance to bring us all back together."
"What does that mean?"
"That means that I had to be sure. That also means that I am now. I know what I'm doing, don't you doubt that. I know I'm the biggest jerk on this freakin' planet – I'm leaving a woman who loves me and who's expecting my child! But Cas…"
"No."
"What do you mean no?"
"I mean you're not leaving your family. Not for me."
"You fucking idiot! I'm not doing it for you! I did that already, before even telling you or knowing you'd come back to me. I did it, because ultimately it was the right thing to do. Lisa deserves a man who'd love her and be hers. I'm not that man, that's as simple as that. I love her, sure, but I'm not hers. I'm fucking yours for a long time now!"
"But she's expecting your child!"
"And I'll be the father for both the kid and Ben, but I just can't be with Lisa anymore. God dammit, Cas, I haven't really been with Lisa since you came back! I… For fuck sake, just ask me!"
"No."
"You no longer want to?" – Dean's voice broke.
"It's just not right. I can't destroy a family, I just can't…"
"You're not doing it." – He almost pleaded now. – "I already did that. It's done Cas. It sucks and I know I'm the biggest asshole, but… Look, if you don't want to come back, then... It freakin' sucks and just plain hurts as hell, but I can understand that. I made my mistakes, I know I never treated you right and I'll have to live with it. But I won't go back to Lisa. Not only because it's not fair to her, but also because I simply can't. I don't want to be with her anymore."
"I can help you…" - The angel muttered after a long while. There was pain in his eyes, but also some wild determination Dean really didn't like. – "I can make you forget about your feelings for me. I can erase those memories and leave you with your love for your family, for your unborn child. I can erase the memories of you leaving from Lisa's mind and you all can be truly happy again. You can still be happy."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" – Dean yelled. – "Are you crazy? Who do you think you are, a freakin' God?"
"I just want you to be happy Dean!"
"So you'll live my life for me?! I have a bunch of painful memories, why don't you fucking have a go at those too, while you're at it?"
"Dean…"
"No! Don't you dare even speak to me about that! If you don't want to come back…" – He sucked in a shaky breath and shook his head. – "Look, no matter what happens next, my love for you is mine, do you understand me? It's mine and you have no right to take it away. I love you Cas and I intend to carry on loving you. It's a free will we've been fighting for, right? So here you have it – I choose to love you and it's my choice. You have your choice too…"
Castiel stared at his hands trying to understand what it was he felt. He loved Dean, that hadn't changed a bit. But he was also so tired from hurting all the time. And there was an innocent child to consider. Sam told him again and again he had to let go, and yet here he was again, listening to words he wanted to hear do much.
"I just don't know if I can do it again..."
"Ok." – Dean nodded.
There was a long silence between them and then Dean spoke again quickly, almost feverishly, as if he was afraid Cas would disappear any moment.
"Ok, I'll tell you how I feel anyway – I want you Cas. I love you with everything I've got and I fucking want you! I want to spend every day of my remaining life with you. I will give you whatever you want as long as you take me back. I will love you forever. We will have any relationship you want. I'll treat you right. I'll tell anyone who'd listen that I love you if that's what you want. It's your call now, Cas. It has always been my call, although I had no right to make these decisions for us. It's your call now." – He suddenly kneeled in front of Cas who was still sitting motionlessly on the corner of the bed and looked him in the eye. – "Do you still want me?"
Castiel stayed silent for a moment longer and then exhaled loudly.
"I will always want you."
"Will you think about it?" – Dean asked pleadingly. – "Will you think about us, you know, trying once more?"
"No." – He shook his head and Dean's face fell. Castiel placed his hand on the side of Dean's face and caressed his cheek with his thumb. – "I won't think about it because there's nothing to think about. I love you Dean."
"You do?" – Dean asked hope shining brightly in his green eyes now.
"Always. I will always love you."
"I will always love you." – Dean echoed and kissed him gently. This was all it took – all the misery drained from both of them in that single kiss and they pulled on each other, trying to get the most of it. They stood up, not breaking the contact, and hugged each other firmly.
"I will never say good bye to you again." – Dean promised resting his forehead against Cas'. It sounded so much like a vow that Castiel simply smiled.
"You better not. It's always so hard to stay away from you…"
"You won't have to, not again." – He pressed his lips against Cas' once more. Just a quick peck. – "I missed you so much!"
"Not half as much as I missed you." – He breathed and then asked suddenly trying to roll his sleeves up, to look at his scars. – "Is it real?"
Dean took his angel's hands in his restraining him gently from exposing the scars. He looked him in the eyes steadily, trying to ground him.
"It's real Cas. It's you and me now and it's so fucking real I want to scream about it! I will always love you and this is also real."
"Ok." – The angel nodded and gave his hunter a small sweet kiss. – "Yes, ok. It's real."