A/N: Okay since I fear for my life after having Belarus and Hungary both sent after me I will type quickly. I'm not sure how well Denmark, Sweden, and an army of soul eating bunnies (lovingly lent to me by my lovely reviewer NOMNOMBUNNYWILLEATYOURSOUL) will fare against a knife wielding crazy woman and a pan weilding yaoi fan. SO yeah I'll type fast and try to finish the chapter before they get to me.

Here you go. Chapter 20 Enjoy.

Chapter XX

Matthew's Letter

Dear Gilbert,

You're probably really confused right now, and more likely than not, you're mad at me too. I won't be surprised if you are. After all, I broke my promise to you; I cut. I'm sorry to have broken my promise, and you have no idea how much I regret it, but you need to understand that I had no choice. I couldn't let you get hurt. You're the first good thing to come into my life since I lost my parents. I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I had to keep you from getting hurt.

I've left this letter for you, because I don't want to die without giving you some kind of explanation and hopefully the answers to the questions that I know you will have. First, however, I need to tell you something about when you discovered that I cut and I told you about my past. Well, I left some things out of the story that night, I really shouldn't have, so now, given what happened, I believe that you have a right to know the whole story. I just hope that your opinion of me won't be changed. Though, truthfully, I won't be surprised if you are disgusted and hate me for it. I mean, not that it matters all that much; I'll be dead by the time you read this, anyway, so I'll just put it all out on the table. Still, though, I don't want you to think less of me.

When I was little, I lived with my parents and my cousin. My cousin's parents had died in a car accident when he was a baby and my parents had taken him in. He was several years older than me; eight years older, to be precise. He was a lot more grown up than others his age, though. For a while, we were all happy together. That all ended though, when my dad died. He was in one of the World Trade Center towers on 9/11 when they were hit. After he died, my mom was never the same again. She became extremely withdrawn and depressed, paying my cousin and I little to no attention.

Around that time, I began to become invisible. My cousin began to change as well. He was no longer the kind child who would eat ice cream and watch kids' movies with me. It was gradual, but he became a cruel and abusive person, taking most of that abusiveness out on me. He began to abuse and beat me down mentally, physically, and emotionally. I was only five when my cousin went through this change. He was thirteen.

On top of beating and insulting me, he would harass me sexually. He would touch me in ways that I didn't yet understand, being only five. It scared me, and I wanted it to stop, but he told me that if I ever told anyone about what he did to me, then he would push me off the roof of the house. It was a two story house with an attic on top, meaning it was very high up, and to a small, five year old me, it would mean death if I fell. Needless to say, I kept quiet.

I lived in silent terror with my cousin and my depressed mother for almost a year. The night of my sixth birthday, the first of July, ten months after 9/11 had taken place, I went to find me mother, hoping to receive a hug, kiss, and, if I was lucky, a happy birthday and a lullaby. She hadn't emerged from her room all day, but I hadn't found that strange because she'd taken to staying in her room all day. I'd only see her when I took her food and went in to say goodnight. However, instead of a hug and a kiss, I was met with the sight of my mother, hanging from her ceiling fan. She hadn't been able to bear being away from my dad anymore, so she'd taken her own life in order to be with him in the afterlife.

My cousin wasn't in the house when I found her. He'd been out at a friend's house the whole day. I knew what to do in an emergency, my dad having taught me before he died, and when I couldn't get any response from my mother's body, I called 911. I was too young at the time to realize that she was dead. When the police got there, two of them, a kind man with purple eyes like mine and a gentle smile named Tino and a larger, scary, yet, surprisingly gentle, man with sea green eyes named Berwald, took me to a room away from where my mother was. I showed them my room, which was on the opposite end of the house. It was simple and clean, with all my toys carefully pout away in their place. It seemed to surprise them that I was so neat and organized.

I told them that if I didn't keep my room clean, then my cousin would get mad at me, and I didn't want to get in trouble on my birthday. Tino had seemed sad that I had such a horror occur to me on my birthday, but he covered it up well by smiling and asking me how old I was and if I got anything nice. I responded by telling him that I was turning six and that I'd spent my day doing my chores of cleaning the house and making food for my cousin so he could eat when he got home. He seemed shocked and further saddened by the idea of me having no type of celebration at all. I didn't want him to feel bad, so I said that I was planning on putting on my favorite pajamas and watching one of my favorite movies, a documentary film about polar bears, because even back then they were my favorite animal.

That made Tino smile, and he put his police cap on my head, it falling down past my ears, causing me to giggle. Tino suggested that we go find my pajamas so I could put them on and they could watch the movie with me. That made me jump with glee. I had been so overjoyed at the thought of having people to celebrate my birthday with, as I'd been so certain that I'd be spending it alone.

I'd hurried to my closet, pulling over a chair to climb onto so I'd be able to reach a pale blue box and pull it down. In the box, was my favorite pajamas: white footie pajamas with a hood that had polar bear ears sewn onto it and a small fluffy tail attached to the back. (BETA NOTE: I want a pair of pajamas like that... it sounds adorable! Author Note: Sakura We ALL want a pair of pajamas like that.) I was so caught up in the happiness of having people to celebrate with that I forgot about the scars and bruises that covered my whole body, hidden under my long sleeved shirt and pants. I'd quickly gotten undressed so I could put my pajamas on.

I was just pulling them out of the box, where I kept them so that they wouldn't get damaged or ruined, when I felt a large hand being placed on my bare shoulder. I looked up and saw Berwald looking at me seriously, a strange sadness in his eyes that I hadn't understood. I just stared back at him with wide eyes, wondering why he had stopped me, and why he seemed so upset. I saw Tino behind him, horror in his eyes as he covered his mouth, fighting back tears.

When Berwald knelt down and looked me in the eyes, asking me where all my scars and bruises came from, I understood why their faces held such serious emotions. I remember trying to cover them up and using the excuse that my cousin told me to use if anyone ever did see my marks. I told them that I was very clumsy and accidentally got hurt a lot. The shared a look, and Tino got on his knees next to me. Taking my tiny hands in his gentle ones, he'd said that I could tell them the truth, and that I wouldn't get in trouble. I'd looked at my hands for a long time and asked if I could put on my pajamas, not wanting to tell them while only wearing my underwear. They let me, and once I was dressed, I told them everything. I told them about my cousin and all of the horrible things he'd done to me. By the time I'd finished, I was crying. Tino held me in his lap and comforted me, just like my mother had when I was upset before my dad died.

It was around that time when said cousin had arrived home. He'd run to my room and found me still crying in Tino's lap. Assuming I was crying about my mom, he tried to take me from Tino and comfort me himself, putting up the perfect guise of loving, worried cousin. Berwald had stopped him, though, and told him that they knew everything, so playing dumb you be useless. When he realized what they were talking about, he'd gotten really angry and tried to attack me. Berwald protected me and Tino, catching my cousin and putting him in handcuffs. Tino told me that I would never have to see him again, and that he would be taken far away to a place where he could no longer hurt me. I remember being so happy when he told me that.

After that, I was taken to the orphanage where Francis and Arthur would later adopt me. They were the perfect family, and I'd felt so blessed and fortunate to have gotten the chance to be a part of it. However, nightmares of what my cousin did to me plagued my dreams. They weren't too bad, as my new family was always there to comfort me whenever one sent me screaming awake in the middle of the night. I felt happier than I'd been since before my father's death.

I already told you, when you first discovered my secret, about how I started cutting. I was twelve and had a horrible day where I was particularly ignored and Ivan had been more cruel than usual in his beating. It had just been too much, and it was the only thing that helped. I never meant to make a habit of it. It's all how I told you before.

What I left out before, about my cousin and all that he did to me, well…there's more to it. I should have told you about it before; I should have told you that first night. My cousin…the one who was sent away all those years ago, he's not locked up anymore. Carlos is my cousin, the one who works at your friend, Lars', shop, "Tulips and Trinkets." I don't know how, but somehow he found me again. That's why I asked to leave so quickly when you took me there the day we met: I was scared to be around Carlos. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you then, but I couldn't. He threatened to hurt you if I told anyone who he was, and the thought of you hurt because of something I did terrifies me a hundred times worse than being pushes off the roof of a house. I wanted to tell you; trust me, I did. But I couldn't let you be in any danger.

One week ago, you found me in the woods with my arms cut up, and you deserve to know the truth about what happened that night. After school that day, you told me to wait for you by your car. Well, I did as you said, but, I wasn't alone. I was listening to music and reading, which made it possible for Carlos and Ivan to approach me without my noticing until they were upon me and it was too late for me to run. They…they told me to meet them in the woods at ten that night. I wanted to refuse; I wanted to refuse more than anything. I didn't want to be anywhere near them, but they threatened to hurt you. You'd become so important to me, so there was no way I could ever allow any harm to come to you. I love you too much to let that happen.

You're so wonderful to me, Gilbert, and you've made me so happy in the short time that we've spent together. I've been happier in the two weeks I've spend by your side then I was in all the years I spent without you. I love you, Gilbert, more than anything in the whole world. It's because of this that I couldn't let you get hurt by Carlos and Ivan . You're just too precious to me. So I agreed to meet them at the woods, even though I had no idea what they were planning for me.

When I went to the woods, just like they said to, they met me. I was so scared, and all I wanted to do was run to you and have you tell me that everything was alright, but I knew I had to be strong so that they wouldn't harm you. Instead of hurting me or touching me like I'd expected them to, they'd chosen a far worse punishment. Carlos gave me a razor and made me cut myself. I didn't want to; I hadn't cut in two weeks, and all because you were there for me and I'd promised you that I wouldn't do it. I had to, though, so that you could be safe from them. Once I started cutting, I just couldn't stop. The urge to cut came back, and after repressing it for so long, I just couldn't control it until I'd satisfied it with my own spilt blood.

When I'd finally quenched my urge and stopped cutting, I just sat there on the ground crying. That's where you found me. Having you, the one person whose promise I'd broken even though I'd sworn to myself that I wouldn't, see me in such a state was my worst nightmare come to light; my undoing. I panicked. I shouldn't have run, but I was just so scared. I couldn't face you after breaking my promise.

I'm so ashamed of myself, Gil. What kind of boyfriend am I, if I cant even keep my simple promise? I betrayed your trust, and knowing that kills me inside. You have only been supportive and amazing to me, making me feel remembered, important, and most of all, truly and completely lovely. I feel so horrible for not even being able to keep my promise to you.

I'm so horrible, not even being able to keep a simple promise. I'm so worthless, and you deserve so much better than me. I just drag you down like a weight and hold you back. You could so so much without me. I want you to be free, Gil, and not have to worry about me anymore. I'm not worth it to be alive, so I won't be alive anymore. I'll wait until after the art show to do it. That way, I can finish my painting as my final goodbye and hear your song. I know it will be amazing, whatever it is. I made you a promise to be there, to hear you sing, and I'm not going to break another promise.

I guess I've come full circle. Now you know the whole story, without any holes in it. Please try to find it in your heart to forgive me. It won't do you any good to mourn me; you have to move on. I want you to forget me. I'm not worth remembering, especially by someone as awesome as you.

Gilbert, you have become so important to me. I was so lost in the darkness surrounding me. Then you came along, and acted as a guiding light, pulling me out of that darkness, saving me, no matter for how short the time. You are mon ange, mon amor, mon tout (my angel, my love, my everything). You truly are mon ange aux yeux rouges tuteur (my red eyed guardian angel).

Please, don't bother remembering me, but, if you ever have a moment, remember that there is someone who cares for you and loves you with all of their heart. I will always love you, and I'll be watching over you from heaven, or well, wherever people go when they commit suicide. I won't ever stop loving you, Bear, and I'll always be keeping you close to my heart, even after it's stopped beating. I love you. Je' taime. Ich liebe dich. Forever I shall always remain your little birdie, your vögelchan. I swear. Goodbye, mon cher, mon amor.

Eternally your birdie,

Matthew Williams Bonnafory-Kirkland

P.S. Please tell my family that I love them and I'm sorry for leaving them with so much work to do with getting rid of all my stuff.

Gilbert's POV

I stare in horror down at the letter in my now shaking hands. Gott, how could I never have known how much pain mein Birdie was in? I'm so stupid! I should have seen it before! My troubles must be showing clear on my face, for Opa places a hand on my shoulder and says, "Gilbert…what is wrong?"

I look up at him, my red eyes wide in shock and confusion. I try to speak, but when I open my mouth, no words come out. The only thing that comes out is a sort of strangled , sob-like noise. I just hang my head, staring again at the letter gripped tightly in my hands. Once more, I attempt to speak, and this time I am successful.

"Why couldn't I see it? He was in so much pain…yet somehow…I didn't see it. I should have noticed! Gott, how could I have been so stupid and blind!?"

The others look at me confused. Francis is the first to speak.

"Gilbert, what are you saying? What is it that you have there?" he asks, gesturing to the letter in my grip.

"It's his note," I tell him quietly, 'he...he went through so much, and…when his cousin came back, I…I didn't even see his fear. I didn't see the danger he was in. Gott, what have I done?"

I hold my head in my hands, desperately holding back my tears, unable to face their responses. There is a pregnant silence in the air. Once again, Francis is the one to break it.

"Gilbert, it's not your fault. Mattieu's cousin was a 'orrible, 'orrible person. He will manipulate people to get what he wants. When Arthur and I adopted him, we were told what the police assumed was the whole story. Apparently, to keep Mattieu from telling anyone about what he was doing, Carlos told Mattieu that he would push him off the roof. He most likely threatened Mattieu or someone he cared about deeply in order to make him go along with whatever he wanted him to do."

"It was me," I say softly. Francis looks at my confused.

"In his letter…he told me. Carlos…he threatened to hurt me. That's how he got Matthew to do what he wanted," I tell him.

"Oh…," is all that is said.

"That means he loves you," Arthur says, speaking for the first time since he sat down. It's my turn to look confused. Seeing my confusion, he explains.

"Gilbert, Matthew is an extremely caring person. If he thinks someone whom he cares about is in danger of any kind, he will do whatever it takes to keep them from harm, regardless of what happens to himself."

"Still, he should have told someone."

"I know that, but if what you say is true, then Matthew was under the impression that you would be in danger if he told anyone."

I just sigh and say, "Still, we couldn't do anything, and now he could be on his deathbed."

Arthur just hangs his head. No one has anything they can say to that. Silence falls once more, and this time, no one speaks up to break it. We just sit and wait. Wait for news, any news, good or bad, on Matthew. I pray to every god that I can think of to let him live. He has to survive. He can't leave before I tell him how much he means to me. He is mein vögelchan, mein everything. I can't live without him.

Please, Matthew…Birdie…you have to live.

A/N: PLEASE DON"T KILL ME! 8cowers behind Denmark* I'm sorry for leaving you with another cliffhanger. I promise though, you find out next chapter if he survives or not, I swear it. Now please no sending anymore people after me.

Denmark: Yeah I'm not sure if you guys realize this, but if you kill the author, you don't get an ending to the story. Not even the happy one that Wolf-chan has planned out. So no more death threats, she's going through enough crap as it is.

Me: Yeah, I just thought that I should let you guys, know, since you're my faithful reviewers and all. I have recently discovered that I'm bi-sexual. Now, while I know most of you will not care, hell you're reading a yaoi story, I still though I should tell you. If this makes any of you want to stop reading then I understand. Anyway I've just had drama cause I figured out that me and someone else have a crush on the same girl. I really like this girl, like more than I've liked someone in a LONG time, but I have chosen that I will back off and not ask my crush out. The other person likes her and I won't get in between them, no matter how painful it is. And it's quite painful. Also I've had issues with my brother so it's hard to get onto the computer for long enough to type this without distractions form tumblr so give me a break with the slow updates. Also I'll be at my grandparents for the next two weeks and I will NOT by letting them learn of this story or the fact that I'm bi-sexual. I mean just have no idea how they would react. So please give me a bit of a break. And I promise I'll get the next chapter out to you guys ASAP.

As always a word from my fantastic and beautiful Beta Sakura414, who recently tried out for our school musical of west side story so wish her luck with getting a good part! :D

Thank you, Wolf-chan! Sadly, because of said audition (before which, my brain was already fried), combined with the fact that the Snoopy band-aid on my finger is impairing my ability to type, I really have nothing to say. Happy holidays, everyone, and may Finland bring you lots of fabulous presents! :)

Anyways I've got nothing let to say that I can think of so peace out.

Until next time mein lieblings. Wolf-chan out.