Shadows of Love
Chapter Five
Learning to Cope
BPOV
I was so thankful that Sarah Black and Gran had prepared me for what I would be facing. I didn't initially think how difficult
it would be to keep my mouth shut for five or six years, until I was physically able to approach Jacob and tell him the truth.
And I definitely would need all those years to figure out how to do that without scaring him to death. That was going to be
a battle from the start unless I could figure out a way to convince him I was me. Did I want him to know? Yes, I think I did.
I think he deserved to know that he no longer needed to grieve for his best friend that he loved so completely and with every
fiber of his being. I so longed to tell him right now, to end his suffering. What I did to Jacob was essentially unforgivable, but
I was going to work to earn his forgiveness. I had been given a second chance to do just that and I didn't intend to waste it.
I owed that to Jake.
The first months were absolutely unbelievable. Until the tiny body I was now living in was able to function on its own, I was at
the mercy of the people around me who were caring for me, just like Gran had foretold. My first memory was Jacob's face smiling
down at me and cooing to me in sweet, dulcet tones. I couldn't have been happier to see him and I so wanted to tell him it was
me, that I was here. When I tried to talk to Jacob or anyone else, my mouth simply hadn't yet learned to form words. My vocal
chords were not yet developed enough to push the proper varying amounts of air through and over. What issued forth from my
lips was just babbling. It was utter nonsense and totally useless! My lungs were too weak for speech, but not for gurgling, cooing
and crying. And I did a lot of that. I found that crying as long and loud as I could manage got the quickest and most extreme
results. That would come in handy and was good information to have. The gurgling and cooing got a reaction I desired the most
from the adults around me. They seemed to appreciate those noises, probably because I wasn't crying. I found it was a quick
way to get really spoiled. If I experienced any pain or discomfort, I cried. The problem was rapidly addressed and remedied. No
wonder babies did so much of that crying stuff.
Since I was unable to communicate at first, I had the luxury of spending all my time observing. I could tell quickly what actions
or sounds pleased the Cullens, and which ones pleased Jacob or Leah or Seth. They were two different sets of things, I can tell
you. The Cullens were thrilled with any advanced ability I demonstrated. When I began to be able to form words and articulate
simple ideas, Carlisle was beside himself and wanted to keep me in his study for hours drilling me and getting a head start on my
education. When they tried a second attempt at giving me a bottle with blood in it and at the moment the first drops passed my
lips I spit up and turned away in disgust, Jacob and the other wolves were so proud of me. I pitched an appropriately vehement
fit after that to make sure they didn't try to give me any more of that mess. I couldn't tell them with words yet at that point, but
I was fully aware that I did NOT want any blood for breakfast! I would do whatever I could think of to make sure the bottles
contained milk or formula. Although, to be honest, that crap is nasty too. I couldn't wait to graduate to solid food.
My time spent with Jacob filled my heart with such joy. It didn't take long for me to figure out that he had imprinted on the baby
that was now me. Imprinted! I couldn't get over it! This made for a whole new aspect to my second chance. I could be certain
that he would be around me from now on. He would be devoted to me and would care for me. I began to hope that the happy
ending I knew he deserved was within his grasp, as well as within mine. If only he knew! I so wanted to give that to him. I knew
how much he loathed the idea of imprinting, but if I could keep him around long enough, until I was able to communicate with him,
perhaps I could change his opinion about imprinting, just enough. I could make the most of the opportunity and surround him with
as much love as I could, lavish it on him, maybe it would rebuild his heart from the damage I had caused.
So many times, I wished I could just come out and tell him everything. I stopped each time. He would think I was off my rocker
and I would alienate him completely. I couldn't risk that. I needed him more now than ever before. It broke my heart when I saw
how my 'death' had affected him and all the others, too. I was so sorry for the wretchedness I had caused. I had hurt every single
person in my life. I had destroyed Edward. He had withdrawn into himself as if he had lost a battle to retain his sanity. He shunned
me in the form of his daughter. That made me sad but I realized there was nothing I could do about it. I had broken Jacob, but I had
a second chance at making him happy. I could put him back together. Charlie and Renee would never be whole again and the Cullens
mourned me as well. I couldn't imagine what I had done to deserve the chance to make it up to them. I didn't dwell on that so much
as making my plan for taking care of the wrongs I had perpetrated. I had a lifetime of love to spread around to try and salve the injuries
I had inflicted.
Starting out as a baby, but being 19 in my mind, was certainly an eye-opening experience. It was frustrating at first that I was limited
by what the body I was in could do. Of course, a baby's body can't do much of anything, except eat, cry, sleep and poop. Diaper changes
and baths were...interesting I guess, just...don't ask, okay? Thank God I grew rapidly and left the diapers and kitchen sink baths behind
me. I noticed Jacob's furrowed brows when he noticed how I blushed when bath time rolled around. He tended to let Esme or Leah take
those duties. I never realized how severely he himself could blush!
I was so grateful at the rapid growth of my body. I was grateful for so many things. I was grateful for the second chance. I was grateful
for Jacob and the rest of the wolves. I was grateful for the Cullens. Except for Edward. His behavior was unexpected and heartbreaking.
I couldn't tell him who I was, so I had to be his daughter. But he wasn't interested. I understood that he was grieving for me, for his wife,
but I couldn't see how he could shut out a blameless little child. I began to see his true nature coming through. With my vast amounts of
time to simply observe, I had the opportunity to see how he behaved without Bella-me around. I was astonished. He was cruel and mean.
He was beyond rude to Jacob and the other wolves. He was snippy with his own family and more often than not, he shut himself away and
would have nothing to do with me or anyone else. He brooded and sulked. I began to understand that this was the real Edward. This was
the being that my idiotic, teenage, angsty, emotional self thought was the end-all be-all for me. What was I thinking? Why could I not see
what he was? Why could I not see how he behaved? I spent 2 or 3 weeks being morose over my monumental stupidity. I pulled out of it
when I saw the worry on Jacob's face at the change in my demeanor.
I realized quickly that this would not be a cakewalk. This behaving like a child when I really wasn't one may have sounded easy, but it took
concentration. I had to pay attention. And I couldn't imagine any better person to pay attention to than Jacob. My Jacob. I was so happy
in the knowledge that someday I would be with him again. I would have his love and we would be the way we were always meant to be. We
would love each other and be devoted to one another. And in the meantime, I could be the true, loving friend I should have always been to
him. I let him down once, twice. I would not do it again. As I became more able to communicate and get around under my own power, I set
about repairing as much damage as I could. I would earn his forgiveness.
I spent hours with Grandpa Charlie. It broke my heart to see his eyes mist up when he looked at me because I knew the resemblance made
him think of the daughter he lost. I tried to bring him as much joy as I could and comforted myself with the knowledge that someday I would
be able to tell him that it was me. Maybe. That conversation would take some planning, I knew. I had a few years to prepare for that. In the
meantime, I listened to Charlie talk about Bella anytime he wanted. We would sit for hours while he taught me about baseball and football. It
seemed to really make him happy that I was interested and was trying to understand the games. Other times he would reminisce about his
daughter. He seemed to appreciate some of the insights and just simple comfort I could give him. It would be a much harder thing to tell
Renee. Oh God, should I tell Renee at all? That was another big decision I had shoved on the back burner until the time was right.
One thing that made my life easier was the fact that Jacob had decided to tell Charlie about the supernatural world that had existed around him
without his knowledge. It may have been ill-advised, and it may have made several people really annoyed at him, but in the long run, and once
Charlie got over being lied to for so many years, it was actually helpful for all concerned. It was that one strip-tease in the woods on Jacob's part
that allowed me to spend time with my father. If he hadn't been told, we could never have explained the rapid physical aging. It was a shock to
say the least but Charlie handled it better than we could have hoped and I was happy as a clam.
The only problem I encountered, besides the near open hostility from Edward, was containing my enthusiasm and blowing my cover. I sometimes
wished I could have had some sort of Alpha order to prevent me from spilling the beans. There were so many times I wanted to, but had to cut
myself off in the middle of a sentence to keep from mentioning something that Renesmee would have no way of knowing. On the other side of
that coin, that was how I planned to let Jacob in on the secret when the time came. When I had grown to a physical age where I could actually
'be' with Jacob in something beyond a best friend scenario, I needed some sort of secret message I could give him to convince him of who I was.
It had to be just right. It had to be something that nobody would know but Jake and me. It had to be unique, convincing and surefire. Fortunately,
I had about 5 years to decide what would be perfect.