Shadows Of Love

Chapter Eleven

Growing Closer

JPOV

Once Ren reached that moment when she was really no longer a little girl, our relationship began to change. When we
declared our love for one another that day, we became a couple and life took on a whole new meaning. It wasn't 'I' or
'me' or 'her' or 'she' anymore; it was now 'us' and 'we' and soon everyone around La Push began to expect to see us
together, all the time. Ren was busy through much of her days. She helped my Dad with his exercise and diet. She
was deeply involved with her studies online as well as her ballet classes. She spent many afternoons with her Grandpa
Charlie and continued with her matchmaking efforts. I had my own busy and hectic schedule. I was also pursuing my
studies online. I had gotten my high school diploma and begun college courses. I was working on cars on the side.
Being a mechanic was the most normal thing I could do for myself. Using my hands to repair a piece of machinery was
basic and real. Ren loved hanging out in the garage with me and watching me work. She was my tool manager and
soon learned what each one did and could hand me the right one when I was stuck under a car or truck.

I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't weird for Ren to spend time with me in the garage, like her mother had done for
a short time. Having her there always made me think of Bella, but I shook off the déjà vu as best I could. Ren was so
much more interested in what I was doing than Bella had been. Bella would watch and talk, although I did most of the
talking back then and she was always a good listener. Ren took it a step further. She wanted to know how an engine
worked and what was wrong with the particular one I was working on at that moment. She made a concerted effort to
learn the different tools so she could actually help me. I even got her her own creeper and she would slide under the
automobiles side by side with me and get me to point out and explain the parts I was replacing or repairing. She really
seemed to enjoy learning what I was doing. It warmed my heart that she cared so much about these little things in my
life, and I tried to return the favor.

I was a dedicated front row attendee at her dance recitals and performances. She was so breathtaking spinning around
on her toes, her long, delicate arms gracefully waving about. She even invited me to come to her classes with her now
and then and a few times when the lesson was over and we were alone in the dance schoolroom, she persuaded me to
be her partner while she practiced. She taught me how to hold her waist while she would twirl. I learned how to not
hold her too tightly, but just firm enough to steady her so she could turn in my hands. She showed me how to hold her
hand over her head for spins and how to lift her high and then support her in a deep dip. She even demonstrated for me
how to bow with her. I would hold her hand in mine, with my other hand on her waist, step forward with her two steps
and then she would continue forward two more steps while I backed up a step. I would do an elaborate sweeping bow
that I almost never got the hang of, and she would do a deep curtsy, lowering her head in humility and bringing her
delicate hand to her throat. Ren got such a kick out of teaching me that bow. I had to disappoint her though. We only
did our little practices alone in her classroom. I flat out refused to let anyone else see that and I told her she'd get me in
tights over my dead body. She pouted for a while but I tickled her and kissed her nose and all was forgiven.

Once in a while, we actually had time to walk along the shore holding hands and just being together. Sometimes we would
talk, sometimes not. Ren was so smart and I loved listening to her talk about what she was into with her college courses.
She said she loved listening to me talk about what was going on with the Pack now that there weren't any vampires living
in the area. Things with my wolf brothers had definitely gotten quieter over the last few years. We had occasional nomads
pass through, but nothing remotely resembling the invasions we'd had before.

Once when Ren and I were strolling down First Beach, we came upon the old driftwood tree where Bella and I used to sit.
When I realized where we were I immediately stiffened and pulled back on Ren's hand, trying to turn to walk in the other
direction.

"What's wrong Jacob?"

"I think we've gone far enough in this direction, let's turn around, okay?"

"Oh, I don't want to turn back yet. Can't we sit here on this log for a bit and watch the waves?"

"It wouldn't be very comfortable, Ren. It's rough and scratchy, you might get your pants torn."

"It doesn't seem very rough. If it tears my pants, that's okay, I can mend them. Come on, let's sit."

"I don't really want to sit now Ren, okay?"

"What's the matter, Jacob? Talk to me, please. Tell me what's wrong."

I stared at the tree for a minute and then looked back to Ren, heaved a deep breath and let it out.

"Ren, honey, I'm sorry. I'm being a stupid ass. This is where Bella and I used to sit together."

I don't know what I expected her to do or say to my statement, but I didn't expect what she did and said. She took my hand
in both of hers, clasped it to her chest so I could feel her beating heart and looked lovingly into my eyes.

"Jacob, I know that. I know all about your driftwood tree. Embry told me one day last year. I didn't know how you would feel
about it so I thought I'd try and find out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. Do you think we could just stand here by the
tree for a bit? You could tell me some more about my mother. We haven't had much of a chance to talk about her on our own
lately."

I stared at her in shock for a moment. She held my hand tightly in her own and gave me a little smile of encouragement. She
was so understanding. I knew she'd never try to hurt me on purpose and I knew if I asked her to skip this, she would. What
would it hurt to sit on her mother's tree and talk about her mother? Why couldn't I do this? Wasn't it time? I leaned down and
gave Ren a light kiss on her cheek and guided her to sit beside me on the driftwood. We sat quietly at first. Ren kept her grip
on my hand and eventually I was able to unstiffen the muscles in my back and shoulders. She waited. She gave me all the love
and patience I needed. Finally, I was able to speak.

"Bella loved this beach. She loved the sea breezes and the tidal pools with all the life in them. We spent many happy hours on
this old log."

It was about there that I choked up and I couldn't go on. I hadn't shed any tears for Bella in a long time. I didn't know I had any
left and I didn't realize I still had all this sadness bottled up in my heart. Ren wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed like a
baby into her shoulder, my arms wrapped around her, my hands clinging to her back. I held her tightly to me as if clutching her
to my chest could help hold my heart in place when it wanted to leap from its spot and run for cover. She cooed and murmured
soft words of love to me, words of comfort. I guess it was time for me to get all of this out of my system, if I could.

BPOV

"It's gonna be okay, Jacob. I'm right here. I won't leave you, I promise. I've got you."

I wasn't sure how difficult it would be for him. But I wanted to try to help him. I knew I was taking a chance bringing Jake to the
driftwood tree. I'd wanted to do this for a long time because I missed it and I had a feeling that it might do him some good. I
suspected he was holding onto some pockets of pain and sadness in his heart and soul. I hoped I could help him deal with them
without causing too much damage. I tried to be as gentle as I could about getting him there. At first, he seemed like he might be
okay. I stayed close to him but silent and just let him work it out for himself. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I still
didn't understand the depth of the pain my Jacob was in.

When he began to speak, I knew it wasn't going to be easy for either of us. He quickly began to tremble and I began to find my own
throat closing up fighting off unshed tears. I missed the time I had shared with Jake on this log as much as he did. When he began
to cry, I held him as close as I could. I tried to contain the parts of him that were threatening to fly off in all directions, to hold him
together with just my two arms and my heart. He eventually sank to the sand on his knees and I went with him. He held onto me so
tightly and his soul just poured out onto the ground around him. This had been a mistake. I found myself crying with him and I came
as close as I ever had to telling him who I was. But I made myself hold off. I didn't want my revelation of my identity to be in the
middle of an emotional catharsis for either of us. I wanted to have my wits about me when I told him so I would have the calm and
wherewithal to explain it and make him understand. Make him understand that I had come back to him.

After some time holding onto each other on the sand, Jacob began to breathe more evenly and was obviously trying to get a grip on
himself. My face was wet from my own tears shed over the sorrow and the loss of our time together, time that we could have been
happy, time that I had squandered. Finally, Jacob lifted his face and looked at me with grief in his eyes. There was also contrition
there. He was about to apologize to me for breaking down. Oh no. Not on my watch. Especially since I had caused this breakdown
and all the others he had ever had. I gently placed my hands on either side of his face and pressed my lips to his. I held the kiss a
long time, slowly moving my lips on Jacob's mouth, trying to tell him through the touch that he had nothing to be embarrassed about
or to apologize for. When I needed to take in a deep breath, I hugged Jacob tightly and placed my mouth next to his ear and spoke
softly.

"Jacob, I'm sorry I brought you here without warning. I hoped I could help and make you feel not so bad about the past. I don't want
to force you to dwell on unpleasant memories. I just thought maybe I could stand by you and hold you and make it a little easier. I
didn't realize it would be so hard. I didn't know your heart was still hurting so much. Please forgive me, Jacob. Please."

He lifted his face to stare at me stroking my cheeks, wiping away my tears, which he shouldn't have to do.

"Ren, you can't imagine what it means to me to hear you say that. To know that you're trying to understand what I went through when
your mother was alive. And the fact that you want to comfort me and help me move forward and put the past in the past, like I know I
should, means so much more to me than I know how to explain. I love you, Ren. And I know that, with your love, and with you by my
side, I can really do that. I can move forward and leave the past where it belongs, behind me. Thank you, baby."

"My Jacob. I will be by your side always and I will never leave you. I promise."