Chapter 7
Shopping, Decepticon style
For more than twenty five years, the small store of mister Suzuoki had been the emblem of Millete Street. From being only a meeting point in a peaceful suburb in which nothing interesting ever happened, the business had grown up and had managed to become something that could be called a small supermarket, modernity destroying step by step its magic enchantment, but still preserving that domestic touch that made it the first choice of many neighbours that preferred it over the big franchises. Mister Suzuoki, who already carried over his head many locks of white hair, kept smiling at every client that entered his door.
But certainly that night mister Suzuoki wouldn't have smiled, if he could have seen the two invaders that, making their biggest efforts concerning stealth, were emptying the store's counters, knocking down and destroying much more than what they were stealing.
Even more, mister Suzuoki's astonishment would have reached its limits if he could have seen the mysterious burglars. There were no stockings covering their faces, no masks or black clothes… In fact, those stereotyped absences wouldn't have meant anything, because both thieves were made of metal.
"Lettuce?" Frenzy asked Rumble as he juggled with three of the mentioned vegetables.
"Nah, too fragile… and besides, they look dirty."
"What about avocado? The information in my data banks says that it's good for human skin. Screamer can use it for a facial mask."
"OK, avocado is fine."
Frenzy held as many avocados as his hands could grab and dropped them inside a shopping cart Rumble was pushing.
"Enough with the organic trash. Time for the good stuff," Rumble said, happily heading toward a pile of cans.
"Right, nothin' like good ol' metal!"
Rumble reached the mountain of cans and took one out from the middle of the pile, making the upper ones collapse.
" Jalapeños," he read. "What the slag is this?"
"Dunno, but it looks good to me. I bet Screamer will love it."
"He better do. How did we end up bein' his errand boys, anyway?" Rumble growled as he added numerous cans of the infamous chilli to the cart.
"He said that would be the only way he wouldn't kill us once he returns to his original self."
"Ah, true… OOOOOK! It's getting late. Let's check."
Frenzy cleared his vocalizer before reading out the list recorded in his memory banks.
"Clothes? Says here we must make sure they're proper for a male."
"Male? Mmmmhh… I guess that leaves this sexy lingerie out of the question, right?" Rumble said, grabbing from the bottom of the cart a red garter belt thong. "Ah well, let's drop this and we'll get him somethin' masculine on our way out. Next?"
"Toilet paper?"
"Check."
"Water?"
"We got whiskey. Same thing."
"OK… Toothbrush?"
"Check."
"Human fuel, consisting on the following groups: vegetables…"
"Never mind! We have enough food already, and it's top quality stuff."
"Check, then… Let me see what's next… Deodorant?"
"Check! I'm bringing Screamer the deodorant that attracts ALL the ladies. TV doesn't lie, ya know?" Rumble stated with the wisdom of an expert.
"He could use some interfacing, now that you mention it. He's grumpier than usual… Soap?"
"The most colorful I could find. The grateful dog, it says on the cover. It's antiseptic and will kill all his fleas."
Frenzy scratched his head. "I thought Soundwave gave him a flea bath."
"He did, but some of the bugs may have survived."
"Fine, let's get on with it…"
"This is boring. Look Frenz, why don't we just leave? We have everything on the list, I guess..."
Frenzy nodded and both Cassetticons pushed their cart toward the big hole they had opened right beside the back door.
They had almost arrived when a small, blue cardboard box caught Rumble's attention. He took it and scanned it.
"Add this," he said when he ended his analysis, throwing the box into the cart.
"Tampons?" Frenzy said, reading the box.
"Yeah, you never know when he'll have his period."
"You're right, better to be ready."
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"One single thing… One single thing that I told you was more important than anything else and you forgot it!!"
"Hey, calm down Screamer! We brought you everything else," Rumble said.
"That's not even half the list I gave you, and the rest is totally useless to me!" Starscream continued shouting.
"Well… anybody can have a moment of forgetfulness… or many, same thing," Frenzy said, shrugging his shoulders.
"I told you clothes were a priority, didn't I? Do you think I feel comfortable using only this piece of filthy textile to barely cover myself?!"
"Well, you can always take it off."
"I don't exactly enjoy exposing myself all the time!"
"Why not?" Frenzy insisted. "Humans are born naked, they are used to it. All those fleshlings from the porn movies never keep their clothes on for more than two nano kliks."
"For your information, you stupid runt, I'm NOT a fragging pornographic film performer!"
"Well, you could be," Rumble said. "We recorded you this morning when you were washing yourself and uploaded the footage to xtube."
Starscream didn't have any idea of what the twins were talking about, but one word caught his attention.
"Recorded?" he repeated.
"Yeah," Frenzy said. "And you've had quite a lot of views already… Let me check… You have 3,824 invitations to get laid, by humans of both genders, actually… Some seem to like your aft, others that you have no hair on your body, but they all mention the shape of your private parts ya know?"
"Are you saying you recorded me in a moment of extreme privacy and exposed me on the human network for everybody on this muddy planet to see?!!"
"Heeeeh, chill out… You should be thankful. You really need a chick or you will end up blowin' your gaskets… or perhaps you'd prefer a dude?" Rumble asked, grinning.
"I don't need anything! You are going to erase all evidence of my existence from the human network right now!! I still have ways to make you both wish you never were created!!"
"That's how you pay us for trying to do you a favour?? Ya really have problems with grattitude, don't ya?"
"I have problems understanding why Soundwave created a couple of junk piles like you and forgot to give them cerebro-shells!!"
Frenzy elbowed his twin. "Soundwave did give us cerebro-shells, didn't he?"
"Guess so…"
Starscream grabbed his face and shook his head. "Please, please… just get the frag out of here. I've had enough of you two… I'd prefer to be dead than deal with you again."
"Hey, relax… We got you what you wanted, didn't we? Sort of…"
"But of course, Rumble! You only forgot a human gun so I could blow my fragging head off!"
"Hey, you don't have to yell at us like that!"
"My bro is right, Screamer!" Frenzy said. "We'll leave, alright… but before we do, can you tell us something?"
"What?"
"Have you… ya know… already had your first boner?"
"My first what?"
"You know… has your wiener down there gotten up…"
Frenzy wasn't quick enough to avoid the bottle of whiskey that flew toward him and smashed against his face.
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Finally alone, Starscream prepared himself to fulfil another one of the humiliating tasks commanded by his new body.
Neatly ordered on his desk, the group of terrestrial objects brought by Rumble and Frenzy surrounded him in a strange circle. Colourful, shiny, suspiciously diverse… none of them were familiar to him; normally he wouldn't even have had any scientific curiosity for them. His knowledge about the human race had been centred specifically on its military history and social organization. Everything else, all those small trivialities that conformed the life of the disgusting organic beings, were a mystery to him.
If he had had his null rays, Starscream would have vaporized everything before his eyes, but he wasn't able to deny an astro second more the sharp pain in his stomach that announced the fact that he was starving.
He scanned each item suspiciously, thoroughly disgusted by the idea that one of them would soon be trespassing his systems, entering the body he so deeply despised. None of them looked remotely appetising, nor did they look particularly safe; but unfortunately, Soundwave's little runts hadn't left him with many options.
Bypassing the pile of pitted, green-skinned ellipsoids, and the orange stick-things, Starscream's eyes focussed on the one pile that shared some resemblance to being Cybertonian; albeit the analogy was more a facade to fool himself into feeling a little better about his predicament than anything else.
Metal.
Eleven metal cylinders, cans in fact, stood out amongst the collection of otherwise openly organic foodstuffs, each adorned with a bright and colourful label and a picture of something the humans called "Jalapeños". Starscream sighed; if he had to give into weakness, it was better to try something a little less organic, a little less dirty...
He picked up one of the cans and shook it, listening to the contents swish around inside their confines. Anger suddenly washed over him; realising once again the inadequacies of his new body. There didn't appear to be any obvious way of extracting his meal...
Had he been himself, the can would have been crushed in an instant. But in his current form, Starscream found there was little his weak fingers could do against the superior strength of the silver metal.
He shook the can again, vigorously, only to have it slip from his fingers and land on his toe.
"SLAG!!"
Taking hold of his now purple appendage, Starscream threw the accursed can across his quarters with his free hand. Adding insult to injury, the can struck a pile of instruments, sending them clattering to the floor.
"Of all the slag sucking, Pit-spawned...!!"
Despite his pain, and anger, it didn't escape the human's attention that the can itself had suffered some damage on impact, the odd pattern of its movements as it attempted to roll away giving away the large dent now marring its structure.
A satisfied smirk replaced the grimace of pain; perhaps the mighty Starscream could win the battle after all.
Cautiously, he picked up another can and hobbled over to the edge of his workbench. Mustering all the strength he could with such a weak body, he lifted it above his head, and then brought it down hard on the sharp edge of the bench. Success...the can buckled with the impact.
He repeated the action over and over, raising a sweat over his muscular body until finally the metal gave way. Starscream smiled triumphantly as an oily substance began to seep from the wound, trailing down his fingers before dripping thickly to the floor.
With the vigour of a victorious hunter, the human began to thump the base of the can with his fleshy fist until the densely packed contents slopped unceremoniously out onto the table.
Great. Now he had a mess to clean up as well as a sore toe.
But Starscream's obsession for cleanliness was easily put to rest as his stomach sent forth a timely reminder of his hunger in the form of a painful cramp; the Seeker knew the time for further lowering his standards was nigh...
Starscream picked up one of the green fruits and studied it, instantly feeling repulsed by the botanic insult that was soon to become his first meal as a human. Fat and finger-like, he lifted it to his nose and sniffed it; surprisingly, the scent wasn't as bad as he had expected it to be.
He held it out and stared at it...there was no more denying it, the moment had arrived.
Starscream grimaced, his eyes closing tightly as his tongue ventured forth, seeking sustenance. The tip grazed the fruit's oily surface, a nanosecond's appraisal. The ex Cybertronian opened his eyes, taken aback by his tastebud's revelation...that hadn't been so bad...
It had almost been sweet...almost pleasant...
Suddenly feeling bolder, Starscream placed the entire chilli in his mouth, his teeth splitting the green flesh easily, bringing a delightful crunching sound to his humanised audios.
However, the next sensation was not so pleasant.
"AAarrghhh!!" the human screamed as he spat out the offending mouthful, his fingers scraping his tongue desperately in an attempt to wipe away any trace of the horrid vegetable. "Slag, slag, slag, Primus fragging SLAG!"
He was on fire, of that he was certain. Sweat began to pool on his flesh, tears streaming forth from his livid eyes as his tongue continued to burn with invisible flames.
Liquid...he needed liquid to ease the increasing pain. With blurred vision, Starscream fumbled though the remaining items before him, searching for the remaining bottle of brown liquid known as "whisky". Trembling fingers worked awkwardly at the cap once the desired object was located, a colourful mix of Cybertronian expletives rushing over his tortured tongue.
When finally the cap came away, there was no hesitation in Starscream's next action. With no consideration given to what the bottle's contents may taste like, the ex Seeker gulped down several mouthfuls, allowing the mellow liquid to bathe his tongue with a heated caress.
Much to Starscream's distress, the burn continued.
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The door of Starscream's quarters opened slightly. No Transformer would have fit through such a small opening, but a human would have without any trouble.
Starscream carefully pointed his adapted data pad toward outside before daring to show his head. He didn't detect any energy signature.
Because of the hour, most of the Decepticons should have been in recharge mode, and the ones on duty were forbidden to approach the Officials area. That provided him with a relative security to go out, relative being the key word… A human being could never be safe in the Nemesis base, even less one that really was the most hated Decepticon by his own comrades in arms.
But his safety wasn't a priority preoccupation for said human being. Overwhelmed first by a body that disgusted him, the confinement he had been forced to endure because of his human condition had reached its highest level of tolerance. Starscream simply couldn't support being locked in one astro klik more.
He walked without purpose, his only desire to escape confines of what so quickly had become his prison. The dull thud of his footfalls echoed strangely in the vast purple corridors, the sound so foreign in the realms of the metal gods.
Metal god... Starscream felt his shoulders slump at the thought of what he had been.
There was simply no comparison now, his weak, pathetic body not even a shadow of his former greatness. He was simply an insect; a germ...not even worthy of being stepped on.
But what made it worse was his failure; even the simplest tasks related to human life seemed to be beyond his abilities, he had proven that with his disastrous attempt to feed himself.
At least his toe didn't hurt anymore... Then again, he couldn't feel much anymore; for some reason numbness had settled over his body...
Not that he cared.
Shadows played over his sculpted form as he continued to pass through the cold base, dark hands caressing his already dark mood.
Distracted by his thoughts, he didn't realize he had reached a more remote level than intended until he felt the reddish glow on his shoulder.
He hurriedly turned around, only to find three aggressive stares.
Any Decepticon would have been dangerous for him in that moment, but any of his comrades would have been better than the three voracious mechanoids that stared at him with something more than simple hate.
Appetite…
The Insecticons were hungry.
And it didn't take a lot of imagination to know who was going to be the meal.
To be continued.
If you guys can tell us who Suzuoki and Millete are, you have gained a ration of energon goodies! If not, check your TF wiki if you feel curious.
And as for a certain video on xtube… we are sorry to inform you that it has been removed. But what is xtube compared to the vivid imagination of a fangirl, huh? We hope you enjoyed the imagery ;o)