A/N: Once you read this chapter and the next, you'll all figure out that the end is in sight. There are these two 13s, 14 and
an Epilogue. There are at least two outtakes in the works. I thank all of you for reading. I thank you for your support and
kind words. I hope you've been entertained for a short while by this story. Thank you to the best Beta in the world, I love
you Murfy. Thank you again to the best readers/reviewers in the world. Always, mama
Shadows of Love
Chapter Thirteen
It's Now or Never
Part One
JPOV
Ren is so grown up these days. She's 5 actual years old today. Physically she's about 19 or 20. She's become the most beautiful
young lady. She's smart beyond belief and so accomplished. She finished her Bachelor's Degree online, in Art History and Literature,
and she's had several dance recitals that were more like command performances. She's my very own Prima Ballerina. I love her
very much.
But I have a dark secret that no one knows. The imprint pointed out Renesmee as the soulmate for my wolf and my perfect match, but
it didn't connect my heart to her. I've come to love her over the years for who she is. But my heart is not wholly hers. And that's partially
her fault. Part of my heart is still irrevocably tied to and will always belong to Ren's mother. I could have kept that part under control and
under wraps except for one small problem. Ren's resemblance to her mother is astounding, and not just her appearance. She has Bella's
sense of humor, her compassionate nature, her kind heart, her generous spirit. Every day, I look at my imprint, and I see her mother. This
is so wrong. I love Ren. But one of the many reasons I love her is that she reminds me of Bella. It even got so bad a couple of years ago,
I persuaded Ren to call me Jacob instead of Jake, which was what Bells always called me. I managed to convince her that I simply had a
preference for my full, given name. This is tearing my heart in two and I don't know what I can do to fix this.
Once Ren was grown, we began to see each other in a different light from the way we saw each other when she was a child. I hadn't
stopped phasing, had the body of a 25 year old man, and I was 22 on my last birthday. Ren is now in the body of a drop-dead gorgeous
20 year old woman. She has long, silky auburn hair that falls almost to her waist and her lean and lithe body is soft and graceful. I feel
more for her now than if I was just her protector and friend. We have fallen in love with one another. Sparks have begun to fly and I've
never been more terrified in my life. What if this is so wrong, it falls apart someday because Ren finds out that I think of Bella when I see
her? I think of Bella A LOT when I see Ren. The love I feel for Ren makes me happy, deliriously so. But the reminders of Bella make me
miss her so badly. Sometimes I have to slip away for some quiet, private time and I think about Bells. I remember the good times we had,
the sad times, the sweetness of loving her, the tragedy of her death. Out in the deepest woods of La Push, strolling in human form, my
thoughts are my own. And I can cry without anyone seeing my heartbreak and shame. I barely survived the trip to the driftwood tree and
I don't think my girl knows that I still have this turmoil in my heart. I hope I can figure something out before tonight's birthday party. I
have an engagement ring for Renesmee in my pocket and this is going to be...tricky. I have to find a way to put Bella out of my mind, at
least as much as is humanly possible for me.
The party was a huge success. We watched Renesmee open presents and cut cake at the Clearwater home and then everyone migrated to
the beach where the guys lit the biggest bonfire I guess we've ever had. The music was playing and Ren and I were dancing in the glow of
the flames. After everyone danced a few dances and had a drink or two, I grabbed Ren up in my arms and carried her, squealing madly, over
to one of the log benches and stood her up on it. Needless to say, someone turned down the music and all eyes focused on us. Without any
preamble at all, I went down on one knee and pulled the little black velvet box from my pocket. Several of the girls in the group let out squeals
of their own, but Ren opened her little mouth with a gasp to a perfect "O" and clasped her hands in front of her chin, utterly speechless.
"Renesmee, you are the most wonderful and beautiful young lady I know and I love you with all that I am. You have made me the happiest
guy on either side of the Rockies. Will you marry me?"
I barely got the last words out before she shouted out, "YES! YES! I WILL, JACOB!"
I stood in front of her, opened the little box and slipped the ring on her perfectly delicate finger. I think she may have liked it, because she threw
herself into my arms, kissed me soundly and then began to admire the bauble over my shoulder. I'm sure she thought I had no idea what she
was doing. Sweet girl.
Everyone burst forth with applause and congratulations. The guys all tried to hammer my shoulders together, except of course for Quil, who only
wanted to steal a kiss from his 'Mee Mee'. Finally, we were able to escape and go for a walk down the beach to have a little privacy to celebrate,
just the two of us. We stopped next to an outcropping of rocks and I leaned against them after I lifted Ren to sit on top next to me. Her favorite
position on these rocks was to sit behind me and snuggle up behind my shoulder blades while reaching her arms around my shoulders, cradling
her head into my neck. I held her hands with my own across my chest and we watched the waves break up the moonbeam that shone down on
the ocean.
I held Ren's left hand up to let the diamond in the ring reflect the moonlight, moving it back and forth.
"Do you like it, Honey?"
"I love it, Jacob. It's just perfect."
"A perfect ring, for a perfect girl."
"From a perfect guy."
"Hah, I'm far from perfect."
"Not in these eyes, you're not."
"If you see me that way, I'm happy."
"I've always seen you that way, Jacob."
"You're too good for me, baby."
"Nope, don't think so. We're perfect together. We are just right."
"Now that, I'll go along with."
"Oh, oh, I can't wait to tell Grampa Charlie. He'll be so excited, won't he?"
"Yeah, I imagine he will, Bells."
If it could have, the Pacific would have stopped rolling its waves. In any case, the silence was deafening. After a second or two, it hit me,
what had just come out of my mouth. I quickly turned to face Ren and tried to put my arms around her. She sat stone still, pale like she'd
seen a ghost, I felt like I'd seen one too. She scooted away from me when I tried to embrace her but I was able to catch both of her hands
in my own. I held them to my lips, kissing both of them frantically.
"Oh, God, Ren! I'm so sorry. You know I didn't mean that, don't you, baby? It just slipped out. I wasn't thinking...when you mentioned
Charlie...I never meant...oh shit, Honey! Say you understand, please forgive me!"
She looked at me hard, right in the eyes. She didn't make a sound for I know at least 60 (felt like a million) seconds. I just thought I was
scared earlier today. This was my whole future I was about to fuck up because of a moment's inattention and a slip of the tongue. Really,
it was a slip of the heart, but for God's sake, NOT NOW! As Ren continued to just search my face for a nonverbal explanation, I felt the
stinging panic gathering in my eyes. A tear or two began to roll down my cheeks as I reached around Ren and lifted her into my arms,
sinking to my knees on the sand. I was so mortified at what I had done that I simply was not ashamed to cry like a baby if it made Ren
understand how sorry I was and how much she meant to me.
"Please talk to me Ren. Please say something, Honey. You know I love you, I do, baby."
Finally, she looked up at me with shining, glittering eyes and place one small hand on my cheek.
"Jacob, do you think of my mother when you're with me?"
"NO! Honey, I only think of you. I only see you! It's just...you've always reminded me of Bella. Of course, you look like her, but your
personality is so like hers, too. You're sweet and kind and loving and compassionate, and she was all those things, too. But, Honey,
Ren...I love you. Only you."
"Have you always been reminded of her when you look at me?"
Aw man, she was not gonna let this go! And it seemed as if maybe she was gonna make me pay dearly for the slip of the tongue.
"Not always, Honey. I mean...only since you've gotten older ...I mean ...when you were little, you didn't...but lately, you look more like she
did before she di..."
The full force of the reality of what I was saying hit me as if the boulder next to me had been upended on my chest. I crumpled in on myself,
leaning over Ren's shoulders, sobbing in great heaving gasps. Oh God, help me! I DID think of Bella when I looked at Ren, all the time. She
was so much like Bella in every way it was spooky. Her appearance wasn't quite the same as Bella's pale, ethereal beauty. But her personality
was sometimes almost a duplicate of my best friend. The girl I once loved. The friend who gave her life to bring the girl I now held in my arms,
into this world. And SHE was the one who was meant for me, not the best friend I lost all those years ago. I had to get a grip on myself and
apologize to this angel in my arms. I had to make her understand that I loved HER!
(Bella thought perhaps the moment should dictate her plans. She couldn't let him suffer any longer.)
"Ren, Honey, please forgive me. I may think of Bells often, but I love you! You!"
"But you loved her too, didn't you?"
"Yes, Renesmee. I'm not gonna lie to you. I did love Bella, as much as I'd ever loved anyone. But I love you more, baby. I do. Please believe me!"
"I believe you, Jake."
The name pulled me up short. I felt like a running dog who had just reached the end of his long leash. I was yanked out of my crying jag and into
a twilight zone of déjà vu that was making my head spin.
"Wha...what?"
"I said, I believe you, Jake."
"Honey, why did you call me 'Jake'?"
"Isn't that what Bella used to call you?"
"It is, but you haven't called me that in years."
"I think maybe now might be a good time to tell you something."
I was pretty sure I didn't want to hear whatever she was talking about, judging by the look on her face. She almost made me think she was gonna
plop that ring back in my hand and stomp right out of my life. Oh hell. I was done for.
"Tell me what, Ren?"
"Okay, this is going to sound a little weird. I'm glad you're sitting down. You say that I remind you of my mother, a whole lot, right?"
"Well ...yes, Ren, but that's not..."
"Ahn, ahn, ahn, patience grasshopper. All will be revealed."