Chapter 4: August fifth
You're awakened by the sound of soft crying and someone's hand on your shoulder. You wipe your eyes before opening them preparing yourself for blinding sun and just as you thought, you're back in your bed. When you look up Dr. Maryam is sitting at the end of the bed with her head in her hands you're not sure what to say so you sit up and put your hand on her hand.
Your touch startles her and she jumps, wiping stray tears from her face and looking confused as if she's not sure why you're there.
"You little bastard" She says in relief and reaches over to pull you into a hug.
You don't say anything, but hug her back and you want to apoligize but you're not sure what for.
"What's wrong?" You look around, it seems like it's May fourteenth but something is off about the room.
She pulls out of the hug and glares at you.
"You died is what happened, you died and I lost you in the veil and couldn't figure out how to bring you back. So I went searching through your memories to see if you would show up again in one of them but you didn't, not for a whole month until now. Don't you know how worried I was you brat?" She smacks your arm and you flinch and can't help but smile a little at how worked up she is.
"I'm sorry, kind of." You murmur and pull the covers up to your chin.
"Tavros, no ones ever died while doing this before, not on my watch anyway. You do understand that you could've been trapped anywhere in this time lapse forever and I never would have been able to bring you back. That's why I was crying because eventually your family would have come asking me where you were and what would I have told them? Sorry your son killed himself while in my care and now I also don't know where his body is."
"So how did I get back here then?" You wonder aloud.
"I don't know but you broke the time loop, you're in your house sure but nothing's the same. You are actually dead you know, the you that's here right now is I guess a version of yourself from one of your memories."
"Is Gamzee..?"
"He's still dead Tavros, he died and then you died and it brought you back to a random day but it didn't bring him back. He's gone. I'm sorry." She lowers her head apoligetically.
You thought you had it all figured out, you were planning the years that you could live here with him young forever but now you have nothing because you abused the system. You're at the end of your treatment now, beause she told you in the beginning you had to let him die and afterward you would go back home because you would be healed.
But you arent, you arent healed you got to live an amazing life with Gamzee one that probably lasted longer than you both would have lasted in real life. And all the days that you woke up next to him were sacred and lucky but you've used them all up now and you didn't even really get to say goodbye; again.
"Tavros, we have to leave here soon, don't you know?" She turns back to you at her place in front of the mirror.
"Just give me a few more minutes okay?" She nods and walks out of the door and shutting the apartment door behind her. Once you hearthe door latch you move over to his side of the bed and bury your face in his pillow smelling his hair again and crying beause you're hurt worse than you were the first time around that you lost him.
The point of all this was supposed to be that you got to have more time with the person you loved and so that at the end when they died you were supposed to be grateful that you at least had time with them and then go back to your regular life a happier person. It's probably a flawless system for Dr. Maryam's other patients but you're not grateful; you're selfish. You want all the happiness and no consequences or anyone to answer to.
You grip his pillow tighter and start sobbing into it until your throat hurts ad your eyes are sore from rubbing gainst the stiff cotton pillowcase.
When you've pulled yourself together enough you put your clothes on and stand in the doorway of the bathroom, remembering that first day after you told him the truth and how looking up and seeing his crooked grin beaming down at you was the closest to heaven you'll ever get.
You gather up all your pictures and videos into a box and head down the hallway and stand in the doorway of the kitchen; the one you let him almost burn down a million times because you love him. The kitchen you drank too much in and sat on the counters making out because you didn't have any fear that tommorow would ever be taken away from you.
The living room, the living room where your friends danced and laughed with you until early in the morning and you would wake up and look around where they were all sleeping in one big pile on your floor and on your couch knowing that there was nothing greater than the sound of their oft snores at 4am with confetti in your hair.
You take one last look at the apartment in it's unaffected glory and reach for the door. You step outside and lock it giving a shrug to Dr. Maryam to let her know that you're ready.
"I'm not one for goodbyes, terrible at them actually. So...you ready?"
You nod, but hesistate thinking you should at least ask her. "I know that I messed a lot of things up but could I ask for one more thing?"
She thinks about it for a moment and nods.
You explain to her that there was a day in the winter when you first met Gamzee that was the beginning of you, and you think that if that day never happens you can both be happy beause if you never meet him you'll never lose him and if never meets you, he'll never die.
She nods and puts her hand on your shoulder and you fully expet to wake up in the warehouse where she had taken you many months ago but instead you wake up in your bed just like before. You notice the box of things you brought with you is nowhere to be seen and there is barely any furniture because you assume it's because she took you back to when you just moved into the apartment.
You have to admit your heart hurts a lot; making the decision to undo your entire relationship just so no one else in his life had to lose him was a big thing to do. You mourn him silently while wrapped up in your sheets and to make it worse his pillow doesnt smell like him and his scent is nowhere in the air.
After a moment you hear the door open and close and footsteps oming down the hall, you immediately think it could be any one fo your friends because back then they had a key to your apartment incase you ever forgot yours which you did often.
You hear someone sigh and the clink of keys get dropped in the dish on the table in the hallway. You keep your back turned to them promising yourself that you won't sulk here the entire day just for a little while, just until it doesnt hurt as much.
You hear the door creak and in one leap someone heavy pounces on top of you and you turn over trying to move under the big stranger and you look up into your lovers eyes.
"Hey sleepyhead, you gonna lay here all day or we going to get going?" He laughs and you don't know how to start talking; this isnt what you discussed with Dr. Maryam.
"Come on." He kisses your forehead and gets up. When you still don't move he starts pulling you out of bed by your leg.
"Where are we going?" You look around noticing the boxes in the far corner fo your room for the first time.
"Today's moving day, were moving your stuff into my place, you've been looking forward to it all week remember?" His shoulders slump.
This never happened, you had discussed moving into his place once but all of this is new.
"Oh, yeah I know, I mean what day is it?"
"August fifth, why?" He laughs.
You never made it to August, this isnt a time loop memory; this isnt any memory you've ever had
"No reason, let me get my pants." You hurry up and get dressed and he shakes his head at you.
"I'll start taking the boxes to the car." Your heart freezes as he heads down the hallway at the thought of the car.
You wait until you hear him go out of the door to scramble to the kitchen and look out of the window to the sidewalk below and there it is, the purple hell car in tact and loading your whole life together up inside it.
He looks up at you and waves you down, he's so excited and even though there's a pit in your stomach that wont let you fully trust this new surrounding you manage to grin back at him.
You start carrying the boxes and notice that one of them is the box you brought away from the time loop. All your pictures and memories are still in tact and you think to call Dr. Maryam but you don't find her card anywhere and you're sure that this is the way she wanted it.
Aftter a little while you both have loaded, well more like overloaded the car with all of your things and he opens the door waiting for you to get inside. You take one more look up at your apartment and in the window you see Dr. Maryam in the window peering down at you.
You wave, and she puts her hand up to the window before turning and disappearing from sight.
"Who you waving at?" Gamzee says looking up where you are and you just shake your head.
"No one, waving goodbye to my memories I guess." You shrug half heartedly. You know that she gave you a second chance; one you didn't deserve maybe beause she wanted you out of her hair, maybe because she cares about you but either way you're grateful for real this time.
"You'll make new ones, let's go." You look back up at the window one more time but she isnt there and you climb in the front seat fully aware that this could all go wrong at any moment, but you don't care.
Either way you'll be together right?
Balancing a box on your lap you pull away from the curb and start gliding through traffic.
There'll be time now, time to do all the stuff you use to do and even more, you'll fight and you'll make up, you'll make love and break shit too and more importantly you wont waste that time.
You wont take anything too seriously or worry about what will happen in the future because as far as you know, there's only the here and now.
Ahead you can see the bridge, linking your old life to your new one and your hearts beating hard remembering the way you jumped from the bridge or the way that this car gives you the creeps because you're not use to seeing it in one piece. As you begin to cross it you start to panic a little but he puts his hand inyours and gives it a squeeze and you squeeze back.
So you came out the other end, and you're wet around the eyes and raw around the heart but you'd do it all again if it meant waking up to the sound of the smoke alarm on a hot day in May.