A/N: Please forgive me for the gap in posting this second outtake. I'm suffering from Partsheimers I think. Hope you enjoy.
Shadows Of Love
Outtake #2
Jacob Likes To Hold Me
I opened my eyes. And there he was. My Jacob. I was looking directly into his beautiful brown eyes. They were soft and gentle and
full of...love? He was holding me in his arms braced on his lap. He leaned in close, so close, and kissed my nose. A shiver ran through
me. I could feel the warmth flowing from his arms and his hands into my body. It was delicious.
Jacob was the man who had been singing to me. I'd never heard him sing before except deliberately off-key trying to be silly with Quil to
make me laugh in the Taj. The radio was almost always on when I arrived at Jacob's garage during my dark days. I couldn't tolerate it
at first and would soon tune it out as best I could. More often than not, I had to just ask Jake to turn it off. Music poured into the hole in
my chest like acid and seemed to melt the edges and hollow it out just that much more.
I had finally grown able to listen to music again shortly before I jetted off to Italy. What a fool-hardy action that was. I should have stayed
in La Push and asked Jake to sing to me. That's the kind of music my heart needed, not a contrived piano dirge camouflaged as a lullaby.
Jacob's voice was deep, soulful and velvety. It soothed my frazzled nerves in a way I couldn't describe.
But the thing that calmed me the most? Jacob's arms under my tiny body. God, how I wished I could talk to him! How could I tell him how
wonderful his embrace felt? What could I do to make him understand that my whole world was centered on him now and the warmth of his
arms beneath me was like a balm to my soul? I gazed into his eyes and tried to talk to him. I could only make gurgling sounds and coo at
him and I attempted to gain enough control of my lips to give him a smile. Whatever I managed seemed to please him. He smiled my
favorite sunny smile and made silly noises just like everyone makes at babies. This was maddening, but I wouldn't trade these moments for
anything.
As I observed my surroundings and the people that made up my world now, I realized that crying got results. I used it as the efficient tool
that it was. I always made certain to cry when I knew Jacob was within earshot. That was a fairly wide distance so I found I could summon
him from far away with a simple displeased or pained whimper. When he was close, I would cry with all the gusto I could manage. The
moment he lifted me into his arms, I was silenced. It was like Pavlov's dogs. I cried, Jacob ran to me and picked me up, I stopped, Jacob
smiled and cuddled and snuggled me. This was the answer I had needed my whole life I think.
I even did something I should have regretted. I cried when Rosalie or any of the Cullens would take me from Jacob. I would pitch a fit at the
top of my lungs, especially when Rose would try to snatch me away from him without asking his permission first. I would continue to cry or fuss
as long as I was out of Jacob's grasp. The moment I was returned to him, I quieted. This seemed to build up Jacob's confidence as far as holding
a baby was concerned, build up his ego that didn't need it and discouraged any vampires from holding me for very long. Their embrace was so
brutally cold in contrast to Jacob's heat, there was simply no comparison. It really wasn't much of a stretch for me to be pleased in Jacob's embrace
and displeased out of it. I had made up my mind before Gran ever sent me back that I would belong with Jacob. The imprint was icing on the cake
and I used it to my advantage shamelessly.
As I grew, Jacob's attentions did also. The imprint was always drawing him to me. It really wasn't fair but I couldn't change the circumstances,
and I didn't intend to think about it twice. Whenever Jacob was anywhere near, I wanted to look at him. If I was in a crib, a high chair or a swing,
I trained my eyes on him. We essentially only had eyes for each other. He always wanted to be close so he could see me. I wanted to see him.
It worked. If I woke up from a nap, I learned to keep my eyes closed at first until I had a chance to listen to my surroundings. If I sensed Jacob's
presence, I would wriggle around in the cradle or crib or playpen to attract his attention. As soon as I felt the warmth radiating from his body close
to me, I would open my eyes to him and give him all the positive feedback I could muster. I would lock eyes with him, coo and laugh out. I would
reach for him with chubby and uncoordinated little hands. It worked like a charm.
Jacob would reach down with his big hands and gather me up, cradling me in his heat and love. He would hug and sniff me, always swooning over
what he called my 'babyness'. He often told me how sweet I was because I smelled like honeysuckle. I was thankful to Esme for the baby powder
she used. All that sweetness wasn't me. But if Jacob liked sniffing me, I was ready to be sniffed.
When I began to get close to toddling, taking my first steps, Jacob was right there to encourage me. He would place me on the floor and scoot away
from me several feet with his arms outstretched beckoning to me. I had learned to roll from a seated position to my hands and knees pretty rapidly,
crawling into Jacob's arms after only a month or so. Later, I would wiggle myself onto my knees and stand while holding onto his fingers. That soon
became a more coordinated effort and I would work myself to my knees, then my feet while holding onto a chair or the sofa. Finally, I took a deep
breath, let go of the edge of the cushion, and stumbled my way into my Jacob's waiting embrace. I don't know which one of us was more pleased.
I'd have done most anything for that reward.
Jacob gathered me into his arms and swung me up into the air over his head. I squealed and laughed and wallowed in the sunny grin he was giving
back to me. He soon found that if he would scoop me up that way each time, I would toddle across any distance to get to him. It was good for his
heart, I could tell that and it was great exercise for the development of my rapidly growing body. As I grew taller and my coordination became more
fine-tuned, I could walk or run alongside Jacob and he was always a willing participant with me. I have to admit; sometimes I would feign fatigue
just to get him to pick me up, worrying that I was too tired. It was truly unfair on my part, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I found that I reacted
just like Jacob did. Anything that would put me in his embrace was my favorite thing to do.
One of the sweetest things Jacob did for me was brand new to me. My original childhood had been unorthodox to say the least. I didn't have a parent
at my side for each milestone in my younger years. Jacob taught me how to ride a bicycle. He put me on my first one after I'd graduated from a tricycle,
having assembled it himself, training wheels and all. It didn't take long for me to become adept enough to lose those and Jake removed them himself
and made a big coming-of-age deal of it for me. Running alongside me as I worked to get my new and constantly changing body to cooperate, Jacob
held onto the back edge of the seat until I had myself stabilized. He continued to trot right next to me until I began to freak and lose control at which
point he swooped in and snatched me into his arms just before I put the bike into a tree trunk. My God, he was still saving me at every turn! Usually
from myself, still.
When I reached the size of a Jr. High student, Jacob began pulling away from me physically. I understood his reluctance and uncomfortable feelings, but
I didn't have to like it, and I didn't. I probably gave him many instances of chagrin and embarrassment by hugging him around the waist or taking his
hand as we walked side by side or even sneaking up on him to kiss his cheek. I was literally behaving like I had a teenage crush on him, mainly because
I did. Poor Jacob. He wasn't sure how to take me or what to do with me. He was making valiant attempts to act in what he hoped was a proper fashion
toward a young girl of an age that corresponded to my physical size, but I was making it anything but easy on him. I have to give him credit, he held me
at arm's length while bending over backward to keep from hurting my feelings. I was proud of his efforts, but I couldn't keep my hands off him!
Time was he couldn't stay away from me and wanted to touch me all the time, whether it was a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose, holding my hand, tickling
my feet while he counted my 'ten little piggies' or playing patty cake with my totally uncoordinated hands. I'm fairly certain he still wanted to touch me
but cultural mores being what they were in this day and age, he shied away from virtually all contact. I tried not to throw petulant tantrums when he backed
off to the other side of the room or the other end of the sofa, but I was beyond anxious for my physical growth to reach a point that would make Jacob at
ease with wrapping me up in one of his patented bear hugs. I literally ached to feel his arms around me again. The closest I got for a while there was an
extremely brief piggy-back ride on the beach with everyone watching, and only then because I had ambushed him and jumped on him when he was not
expecting the attack. I'm pretty sure if I had jumped on him like that when we were alone, he'd have had an apoplectic fit, at the very least, a coronary.
He was such a gentleman, dammit!
Finally, toward the second half of my fourth year in this brand new, fit as a fiddle and God bless me, coordinated body, I began to resemble a human girl
in her late teenage years. When I had achieved that senior-in-high-school appearance, Jacob came back to me. I could have cried tears of joyous relief!
In fact I did cry, scaring the bejeezus out of Jake. He was certain either he'd done something that upset me or I was PMS-ing. He was afraid to try to
guess which.
He had picked me up at the Clearwater's house to accompany him to a ceremony at the Tribal Council meeting hall where he would be formally acknowledged
as the Alpha of the Quileute Pack and Chief-in-training of the Tribe. It was such a special and auspicious occasion and I was thrilled he had asked me to share
it with him. Charlie was in attendance as well and Billy and Old Quil officiated over the solemn pronouncements and the rest of the Council and the Pack
demonstrated the long overdue, officially sanctioned respect Jacob deserved.
Afterward, I waited outside the Council Hall for Jacob and Billy to emerge following the document signing that would seal the deal for his Alpha status, and
when Jacob came through the doors and saw me standing there bursting with obvious pride, he strode to me with renewed purpose and wrapped me up in
his warm, strong arms, swinging me in a circle as he had once done regularly, in front of the Taj, in another lifetime. I was so moved and emotionally
over-the-moon at the physical contact that had been so conspicuous in its absence for so long, I simply burst into uncontrollable sobbing, showering tears
over Jacob's shoulder, soaking his shirt immediately.
He tried to put me down at once, thinking he had somehow hurt me or upset me. I refused to release my grip on him, clinging tightly to his neck, unable to
form a coherent sentence to tell him that he'd done nothing wrong. I could feel and hear him asking Charlie and Billy both for clues or advice as to what he'd
done, what he'd not done, what he could do. They were, naturally, amused and no help to him at all. As I said, poor Jacob.
I almost didn't let him off the hook either. I was enjoying being held in his arms so much, my feet dangling a few inches off the ground, I never wanted to be
re-deposited to the earth. I determined to hang on Jacob's shoulders as long as I could possibly get away with it. If that meant squeezing out a few
dozen/hundred extra yet unnecessary tears, then I was certainly not above that. Jacob's long arms were wrapped completely around my body, his fingers
clasping opposite sides of my ribcage as he whispered sweet comfort into my hair, and I couldn't think of any other circumstance I would like better, so I
resolved to camp out in that position. Jacob could go on about his business with me hanging on him, he'd just have to get used to it. I had faith he would
learn to cope.
When I was finally able to persuade myself to turn him loose, Jacob naturally wanted to know what in the Wide World of Sports had gotten into me. I debated
on how to answer his query. Flattery? Wheedling? Begging? Nope...Honesty.
"Jacob, I'm sorry, I could help myself, it's been so long since you hugged me, I mean REALLY hugged me, I was beginning to think you didn't like me anymore
and it felt so good, I couldn't let go right away."
THAT was exactly the right answer.
Jacob decided right then and there that hugging me and holding me, maintaining physical contact with me in some way, ANY way, for as long as possible, was
the number one thing on his bucket list. Whenever we were together, we were TOGETHER.
He held my hand. He put his arm around my shoulder. He put his arm around my waist. When we sat together on the couch watching TV, at the very least he
had one hand wrapped around my ankle or foot. (He was a tickling demon!) (I didn't mind!) If I was within arm's reach of Jacob, I was in Jacob's arms.
What more could a girl in love ask?
Yep, Jacob liked to hold me. He liked it when I was Bella. He liked it when I was Baby Ren. He liked it when I was Young Lady Ren. I liked it too. Always.