Dear Professor Dumbledore
Good news! I have found our culprit! Unfortunately, he caught me, and I am currently in his captivity. I had always suspected that something was amiss with Professor Moody, but never to this degree. I am worried that you may not receive this letter, seeing as I have no way of sending it, but I am hoping that during one of the times that my captor opens up the hole in the ceiling of the prison I am sitting in to harvest my cellmates hair, I will be able to use some wandless magic to put a seeking charm on this letter, and float it safely to you.
Thankfully, my captor did not relieve me of my quill and parchment (which I keep on my person at all times) and so I am able to send this to you. If in fact you do receive this letter.
Do not worry over my person. Although it would be splendid for you to rescue me as soon as you receive this letter, I should be alive for at least a little while longer. I believe that the false Professor Moody has some rather dreadful things for me in mind, and is therefore giving me food and water on a regular basis.
I do not know where exactly I am located, but I am sure you will be able to figure it out.
I am rather surprised you have not done so already, surely you did not think I had simply left a inspection half finished?
Cygnus Stixrood, Chief Centennial Inspector, Department For Permits And Filing