Disclaimers: If I really owned 'The Rookies,' I'd be living in a house with a pool, and nanny service for my niece and nephew, who'd be living on the third floor of my new house.

Summary: Jill tries to sort through her increasing conflicting feelings regarding Mike, while he rejoices over the small breakthrough that he's discovered. This chapter is rated M because of some of the subject matter. I'd rather be safe than get in trouble with the fanfiction police.

A/N: This chapter wasn't in my original version of this story. So, for my followers who read the original story, enjoy. There will probably be a few added chapters. I just wanted to slow things down a little.

I want to thank Gina G. for letting me inside of her head. I know that it has to be hard explaining what she was thinking and feeling during those dark days.

Oh, and the M&M's/Lay's Potato Chips thing is one of my addictions. You eat them together, but it has to be regular Lay's. No other flavor or brand works quite as well. My other addiction is vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and hot peanuts. I'll probably use that in another story.

Chapter 6: Conflicting Feelings and Breakthroughs

When Jill woke up, it was dark outside. She sat up and reached for her call button, ringing for a nurse. "Is something wrong, Jill?" The nurse asked when she walked in.

Jill hated asking for things from the nurses. It took her forever to get her requests out, and some of the nurses appeared impatient as she did. "Water?" She finally asked as the nurse poured some water into a cup and placed a straw in it for her.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Yes. Light," she pointed to the light above her bed. After the nurse switched on the light, she noticed the book that was lying on top of the chest of drawers. She wasn't aware that Mike had left the photo album. "Book?" She pointed toward the book.

The nurse brought the book over and placed it on her tray table and placed it within easy reach of Jill. "Ring if you need anything else," the nurse smiled as she left the room.

At least she seemed to have one of the less impatient nurses tonight. She thought that the others were related to Paul the Therapist. She opened the album, immediately seeing more pictures of herself with Mike. In most of the pictures, he was looking at her in a way that made her feel funny deep down inside. But, she noticed that she was looking at him the same way in the pictures. She traced her fingers over the pictures of him, wanting so badly to remember.

As she looked at the pictures on the first few pages of the album, her mind drifted back to that other man. Her first horrible memory was of a stifling summer day in her grandfather's barn. He'd been huge, but then she hadn't had a point of reference. He'd been the first man she'd ever seen naked. She closed her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks as she remembered the horrible ripping pain and then the blood when it was all over.

Now her mind wandered back to this new man. Mike had been kind to her. Every time he visited her he tried to bring her something. Somehow he knew her weakness for M&M's and Lay's Potato Chips. He'd bring those to her at least every other day. He'd sit and listen to her halting, stammering speech, but would never once attempt to either finish her sentences, or get impatient, as the hospital staff was wont to do.

She was so confused. She'd always wanted a man who'd be nice to her. Cleve had been nice to her, at first. He'd brought her candy, gum, and soda. When he'd learned that she liked to read, he brought her cheap paperbacks. But that kindness harbored a price which she learned about that awful day in the barn. She wondered if that was going to be Mike's price, too.

She thought about that house in the Hollywood Hills. Cleve had brought her and Trap to the house owned by his father. At first Jill was thrilled. It sure beat chopping cotton in the hot Alabama sun. The house was the biggest thing she'd ever seen. It even had a pool, just like on TV. But her happiness vanished that first night in the upstairs bedroom when he unzipped his pants and forced her to her knees in front of him. She was horrified. She couldn't believe that he actually expected her to do that. She thought that he was going to choke her to death. But, doing that was tame compared to what he did to her night after night.

Mike had told her that they had sex. He'd even told her that she enjoyed it, something that was completely foreign to her. She wondered if she liked doing that to him. She swallowed hard to keep from gagging as she remembered those nights.

She remembered saying something to Dr. Conti about Diane. Jill had started taking Quaaludes and downing them with Johnny Walker Red. It made everything fuzzy and far away as Cleve drove into her body on a nightly basis. She'd learned the trick from Diane, the old lady of one of the bikers that Cleve had befriended. Nobody saw any danger in it.

No, there was no danger in it until Ace found Diane face down in the bathtub. The word was that she'd drowned. Maybe she did. Jill was never completely sure. But, she stopped taking 'Ludes right after that. She also stopped fighting Cleve. That was when she started praying that he'd just kill her like he was always threatening to do.

She wondered if Mike knew about her past with Cleve. He couldn't, she shook her head. If he knew, he wouldn't be acting so devoted toward her. What man wanted to be with someone who was so completely fucked up? Did she want to tell him? If she told him, he'd run away. Was that what she wanted? With her left hand, she reached over and felt her right shoulder, feeling the deep gouge that was almost two inches long. He said that he'd seen the scars. Did he know how she'd gotten them? Did he know how she'd gotten all of them?

She glanced down at her right hand, which was encased in a heavy metal and leather brace. They were operating on it tomorrow. The surgery scared her. The doctor had told her that she'd been in a coma for eight days. Eight days had caused her to lose more than five years of her life. What would happen after tomorrow? Would she again lose more time? She didn't want to forget Mike, although she still found it hard to believe that she was married to anybody, let alone someone as kind as he was. But, losing more time would make her forget Cleve. It would be nice to go to sleep and wake up not remembering anything from her life with him.

She looked up when someone knocked on her door. One of the nurses poked her head in. "Can I come in?"

"Why? I . . . don't . . . need . . . anything."

"I'm Jackie. You and I are best friends," she said as she walked in.

"You're . . . one . . . of . . . Mike's . . . friends."

"I know Mike, but I'm friends with you," Jackie reiterated.

"You . . . know . . . of . . . him . . . with . . . me?"

"Oh yeah, everybody knows of him with you," Jackie smiled. "We like to joke around that you're married to the world's most perfect man."

"Really?" The thought made Jill smile a little. Let's get this straight. He was kind and perfect? What in the hell had she stumbled into?

"He looks at you like there's nobody else in the room. It's very cute."

"I'm . . . confused," she complained as her eyes filled with tears.

"I know," Jackie reached for her left hand and squeezed it. "You must feel like you've fallen down the rabbit hole. But, I know Mike will wait for you. He loves you and he's not going to give up, so don't you give up."

"Do . . . we . . . have . . . kids?"

"No, no children," Jackie answered quickly, not wanting to speak about an awful night just a few months earlier. She knew that her friend wasn't ready to learn of that.

"So, it's . . . just . . . us?"

"Yeah, and his ever-present friends. I'm sure he'll bring them around when you're feeling a little bit better."

"You . . . don't . . . like . . . them?"

"No, I like them very much. I think they annoy you sometimes. If you're confused about how you think that you're supposed to feel about Mike, don't worry about it. I think that it's all going to come back and you're going to remember exactly how crazy you are about him."

After Jackie left, Jill felt as if her mind was swirling crazily. Maybe she was right. It would all come back. She remembered how his hand had felt on her forehead earlier that evening as she was drifting off to sleep. Something told her that he was quite familiar with soothing her to sleep like that. She smiled as she fell asleep. She couldn't wait to see him again.

***MJMJMJ***

Mike was sitting on the patio enjoying the late evening breeze as he nursed a drink. He was so happy that Jill had actually asked him to stay that afternoon. She hadn't resisted him when he'd brushed his fingers over her forehead. She'd even said that it felt nice.

Thinking of her the way that she was right now was so hard. It was too reminiscent of the first time he'd ever seen her. Seeing her behind that bar, it was too easy to see how broken she was. It didn't take him long to understand that she wasn't going to let him in easily. He was going to have to scratch and claw for every smile, every touch.

It took him three long months to be given complete access to the kingdom. The first time he'd ever held her in his arms as his fingers had played over her bare skin had been magical. What began that night transcended everything he'd ever had with any other woman he'd ever been with.

The doctor had told him when the accident had happened that he wasn't sure how much of the old Jill he was going to get back. Mike didn't care if he never got the old Jill back. He just wanted to get the Jill back who'd smiled at him as if he was the only man in the world.

He loved waking up in the morning before she awoke just to look at her. She always seemed to know when he was doing this, and she'd turned to face him with a sleepy smile on her face, a smile that was just for him. He relished pulling her close so that they could share that first long, lingering kiss of the morning. He smiled as if he could hear her giggles of protest when he'd start moving his hands over her, her body as familiar to him as his own.

He didn't know how to convince her that they were indeed a couple. That the two of them shared a history that was every bit as complex as anything that she'd shared with Cleve. But he decided that today was a good start. Now that she knew that Cleve was dead, maybe she could stop fixating on being so scared.

He had no idea that for every step forward his wife would take, there would be two steps backward.

A/N: There will probably be a few newer chapters, which will be short, but hopefully will tie some things up a little.