MEMORY LAPSE
Chandler called Ross and Rachel for the umpteenth time. He had been trying to call them for weeks, but they were avoiding his calls. He had now established a rotational routine. He would call Ross's mobile phone, then Rachel's, then their house phone, and repeat the cycle. He wondered if they hated him; if they believed he stabbed Emma. The thought made his heart constrict with pain. He couldn't get any information out of Monica, Phoebe or Joey, because Chandler was effectively a taboo topic where Ross and Rachel were concerned.
Chandler was consumed with a single thought all day, every day: his guilt. Through updates from Monica, Joey and Phoebe, he knew Emma was enduring a slow and painful journey towards recovery. Her condition was highly precarious, her health was extremely poor. Chandler was drowning in guilt, and didn't know what to do but to call and call again, begging Ross and Rachel to talk to him. His children, disturbed by his neurotic behaviour, kept their distance from him. Chandler dialled Rachel's number.
"Hello?"
"Rach, it's me, please don't hang up!" Chandler raced breathlessly through his words.
"Chandler, I can't do this right now." She sounded flat and emotionally spent.
"Rachel, I'm so s-"
"Seriously Chandler, I just can't."
And with that, the line went dead. Chandler cradled the phone to his chest, feeling grateful he had finally made progress in reaching out to Ross and Rachel. For the first time since the accident, Rachel hadn't hung up immediately; she had actually spoken to him. He knew it would be years before they trusted him again, but today's very brief conversation, was a good start.
Constable Vaughn leaned into Emma. Emma was sick of his repetitive questions. Rachel kissed Emma's hand reassuringly, speaking in a soothing voice.
"Em, sweety, the policeman needs you to tell him how you got hurt." Emma remained mute. Rachel stroked her hair tenderly.
"Em, honey, mommy would be so proud if you could tell the policeman what happened. Can you be a big brave girl, and do that for mommy?"
Emma watched Rachel's pale pleading face sadly. These days, mommy always looked so sad. She missed the old mommy, happy cheerful jolly funny mommy. She wanted so badly to make mommy happy, but she knew full well, that when Vaughn asked his questions, she wouldn't know the answer to any of them.
Vaughn appraised her coolly, "Emma, how did you get hurt by a knife?"
Emma kept her little lips pursed tightly shut. Her brow furrowed in concentration. How I got hurt? How I got hurt? The question blared through her mind like a siren. It was the hardest question ever! She could not, for the life of her, remember. One minute she had dropped her Barbie in the dishwasher, and was leaning over to pick it up; the next minute she was lying in bed, surrounded by a circle of doctors.
Vaughn repeated his question. Emma crossed her arms across her chest, remaining silent. Vaughn repeated himself over and over, his voice laced with barely concealed irritation. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, Emma let out a long angry shrill yell.
"Raaaaaaaaaaarrrghh!" She drummed her little fists against her pillow, her face turning pink with exertion. Emma's temper tantrum was in full swing. Rachel hastily ushered Vaughn out of the room. She rushed back to Emma, pulled Emma into her arms, rocking her back and forth.
"Shhhhhhh…" Rachel whispered soothingly into Emma's hair. Emma buried her face in Rachel's blouse, relieved the third degree was over.
In the middle of the night, watching Emma sleep, Rachel felt a strange vacancy in her heart. Trying to figure out the source of her emptiness, she was stunned to realise what it was. She missed Chandler. She picked up her mobile phone, scrolled down the contact list to "Chandler Bing". Her index finger hovered over the dial button; she wanted so badly to speak to her friend. She really missed his sardonic voice, and witty one-liners.
But then she looked at her sleeping child, so fragile, so broken, and she remembered it was his lapse in judgement that had destroyed her child. Feeling terribly guilty for almost calling Chandler, Rachel turned off her phone, and shoved it in the drawer.