CHAN-LAR

Chandler collected his dinner, and wandered towards the crowd, where rows of prisoners sat at long metal tables. His palms sweated, as he wondered where he ought to sit. He didn't have any friends in this cold place. It felt like high school all over again, only a million shades darker and more sinister. He wasn't clicking with his cellmates. Somehow he seemed to always rub them the wrong way with his sarcastic jokes, which they were too obtuse to get. As Chandler walked slowly past the rows of prisoners, they stared at him indifferently. Feeling foolish, he sat down at a random table, setting his tray down. A short stocky man appraised him coolly.

"So, you're the new one, huh?" Chandler nodded.

"Heard youse got a stupid name. Chan-Lar. Sounds pussy."

Feeling nervous, Chandler ran at the mouth. "Well, if you think that's effeminate, you should hear my middle name." Chandler cringed, instantly regretting bringing that up.

"What's it? What yo' middle name?" the stocky man demanded.

"Muriel…" Chandler admitted, embarrassed.

"HAH! Muriel! That's my fat butch aunt's name! Man, your folks never gave you a chance, huh? No wonder yer in prison!" The stocky man slapped Chandler on the back mirthfully.

"I'm Tony, this here's me mates Alan and Denny!" Tony said cheerfully. Chandler felt relieved to find some acquaintances. His cellmates had been consistently cold towards him.

"Who youse rooming with?"

"Lucas and Eric."

Alan whistled. "Damn, bad luck. Those two are pretty psychotic. The big one's in for attempted murder. The little one, kidnapping. We don't mix with them."

"So, what youse in for?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Suit yourself. Me, I'm in for armed robbery. The bastard was rich enough as it is, he coulda spared me some money. Alan, he's here for assault. Hoe cheated on him, so she got beat. And Denny, he's a scientist. He ran a meth lab in his garage."

Tony punched Denny in the arm, "He's one smart son of a bitch!"

Chandler ate his dinner: a scoop of boiled cabbage, a piece of steamed chicken, a scoop of rice, and an apple. After eating, Chandler, Alan, Denny and Tony went to watch tv in the common room. It was a tiny old-school box, with a tall antenna. The news came on.

"Last week, began the trial for the man accused of attempting to murder his friend's child." Video footage appeared of Chandler walking into the courtroom, flanked by prison guards, and surrounded by reporters.

Denny's eyes grew wide, "Holy shit, isn't that you, Chan-Lar?" Chandler closed his eyes in distress.

"The four year old girl's witness testimony was played before the Supreme Court, where she alleged that Chandler Bing had intentionally attacked her with a knife in a moment of stress. This damning evidence against Mr Bing serves as a heavy blow to his legal defence team, all of whom refused to comment on the incident."

Tony stared at Chandler in shock, speaking quietly, "You're in here for trying to off a kid?"

"No, it was an accident, she was stabbed accidentally," Chandler protested.

Tony shook his head, unconvinced, "You mean to tell me you stabbed her accidentally? C'mon, man."

"No, I didn't stab her at all, she fell into a knife!" Chandler insisted.

Snorting in disgust, Denny retorted, "She fell into a knife? Fell? What do you think we are? Stupid? Who the fuck falls into a knife?"

Alan glared at Chandler coldly, "Look, I'm in here cuz I beat my ex, but the bitch cheated on me, so she had it coming. But you! What could a little kid have done, for you to knife her?"

"No, look, I didn't stab her! I'm telling you, she-"

"We don't mix with child killers," Denny interrupted. Chandler's three new acquaintances stood up, and walked away without another word. Chandler felt humiliated tears prickling at the back of his eyes. Glancing around him, he saw the entire common room watching him coldly, their lips curled in disdain. He opened his mouth to protest, but no words escaped his lips.