DADA
Pushing the pram into the visitor's foyer, Monica's heart dropped when she saw Chandler on the other side of the glass barrier. He looked so thin, pale and sleep-deprived. He looked like a completely shattered man. She pretended she couldn't see how broken he looked.
She put on as cheery a voice as she could muster, "Honey! The kids are here to see you!" Monica unbuckled Jack and Erica from their prams, and hauled them up to the glass.
Jack yelled in excitement, "Dada! Dada!" Monica clapped her hands proudly.
"Jack's learnt a new word, isn't that amazing! I've been practicing 'daddy' with the twins everyday! I thought I'd put 'mommy' on the backburner for the moment. See what a selfless wife I am? You know how competitive I am, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to bring myself to teach them 'daddy' before 'mommy'!" Monica gushed.
Chandler smiled half-heartedly. Monica felt taken-aback by his muted response. Erica pressed her little lips against the glass, giving her father a big wet smudgy kiss.
"Ewwwww yucky Ewica!" Jack squealed with delight, when he saw the smudge of saliva on glass.
Erica giggled and clapped her pudgy little hands. She stuck her tongue out at Jack playfully. Monica looked at Chandler, confused that he wasn't showing any amusement, warmth or affection towards his cheeky children. He looked so vacant and distant.
"Chan, I can tell that Rach really misses you. When she was making a speech at the wedding reception, she named you as one of the friends she treasures the most. It was a bit of a Freudian slip on her part," Monica said, attempting to cheer Chandler up.
"Right", Chandler replied vaguely. Monica felt chilled by Chandler's vacant and seemingly indifferent response to everything she said. It was completely out of character.
"Chandler, honey, are you ok? Is everything alright?" she asked anxiously.
Chandler forced a smile upon his face, "Yeah, everything's fine. Great."
Monica looked unconvinced. Monica pressed her hand against the glass. She felt disappointed when Chandler didn't meet her hand with his, like he usually did.
"Honey, I know Emma's testimony was a huge set back, but please don't lose hope, I need you to stay strong. The kids and I, we love you to pieces, and we're gonna be here for you, every step of the way. You're not going to be convicted."
"Kay," Chandler replied distantly.
"Chandler, what happened? What's the matter? I've never seen you this hollow before, not since… you thought Emma had died. Talk to me, please,"
Monica pleaded with Chandler. Chandler dabbed his eyes quickly with his orange jumpsuit. Sensing their father's distress, Jack and Erica fell silent. Jack pressed himself against the glass, with his arms extended, giving his dad a hug. Erica patted the glass sadly, as if she were patting her father's back. The kids missed being held by their father, terribly. They hated this glass barrier.
Monica's voice cracked with emotion, "Honey, I need you to let me in. I can't help you, if you won't let me in."
Monica rested her forehead against the glass, heartbroken to see the love of her life in such distress. Chandler willed himself to tell Monica that he had been viciously violently mercilessly gang-raped by his cellmates, and that he was still suffering the ultimate torment of being trapped in a cell with them. He couldn't do it.
The second he opened his mouth and tried to speak, no words came out. He simply couldn't bring himself to share with anyone, his ultimate emasculation, humiliation and debasement. Every minute of every hour of everyday, he could still feel the unwanted hands all over him; and the excruciating pain from the penetration.
"Chandler, please," Monica whispered.
Chandler opened and closed his mouth, trying to force himself to speak. Silent tears coursed down his pale face, as he struggled to get the words out. His blue eyes looked bruised from many sleepless nights. His body quivered with anxiety. He had become rake-thin. He looked like he was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown.
Monica had managed to stay strong and confident in front of Chandler ever since the accident. She had made sure to cry only behind closed doors, away from her children and husband's eyes, because she knew she had to be a tower of strength in front of them. But sitting here, seeing Chandler so completely broken, Monica couldn't hold her emotions in anymore. She burst into tears, shuddering as the sobs escaped her. Jack and Erica threw their arms around their mum, burying their faces in her shirt.
Sobbing, Monica pleaded, "Chan, please, I don't know why you're shutting me out. Please, Chan, I love you so much! I just need you to tell me what's wrong, I can't help you if I don't know!"
Chandler opened his mouth again to tell Monica the truth, but he literally felt physically incapable of doing so. Instead, without another word, he stood up abruptly, and stumbled out of the visitor's foyer, almost running back to his cell.
He heard Monica cry out to him, "Chandler!"
Racing back to his cell, he threw himself under the covers, feeling utterly heartbroken and furious at himself for making Monica cry. Why couldn't he just tell her? Logically, he knew the rape wasn't his fault, and yet, in his heart of hearts, he felt as though it were. He couldn't fight the waves of self-blame stewing in his heart.
What if I had fought them harder? What if I had screamed louder? What if I had kicked harder? What if I had been a more likable person? A more masculine person?
He felt so cheap, dirty and repulsive. His skin was starting to flake, from how hard he scrubbed himself every time he took a shower. It seemed no matter how hard he scrubbed, he couldn't clean the violation away. He almost threw up when he heard his cellmates laughing, and saw them skip into the cell. He couldn't escape them. They were here, everywhere, all the time.
They regarded him soberly, leaving him be. Despite being cruel vicious people, even they had begun to feel a touch of guilt. They knew they had pushed the envelope, completely overstepped a line, and this broken shell of a man was all that was left.