A/N: *yawns* Rawr, Monday, Rawr. *grumble grumble*
Edward couldn't sleep.
He didn't really understand how he could miss Bella. Yes, they'd been sleeping in the same room, but it wasn't as though they'd been sleeping together for the most part. Even when he had, it was a comfort thing. It wasn't as though there was anything real about their relationship.
So why did his heart ache at her rejection? Why did it feel like he was breathing through water?
Why on Earth did he feel like he could fall down on his knees and beg her to reconsider?
Death brought with it that old perspective that so many people talked about, yet it wasn't something you could really grasp until it happened to you. Life was never more precious than to those who'd run out of time.
Suddenly, everything his mother was trying to tell him was crystal clear. He was successful, but he wasn't happy. He'd never been happy. He'd spent so much time chasing something he thought he should want.
Losing his mother made him needy. He didn't want to lose anyone, anything else. He had what was left of his family.
He didn't want to lose Bella.
But how could you lose what you never really had?
Unable to stay in bed with his increasingly sad, frustrating thoughts, Edward got up. He sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, but quickly decided he was better off finding something to distract himself.
Edward stopped short when he saw his sister in the stared at each other
for a long, tense moment.
"Trouble in paradise?" Alice finally asked.
"Stay out of it, Alice."
She eyed him but shrugged. "Whatever. Look, I was actually hoping you were still awake." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I think you should take Dad with you to New York."
"What? Why?"
The look Alice leveled at him then suggested she suspected he'd left his brain cells elsewhere. "Are you kidding? You think maybe a change of pace might do him some good?"
Edward ran a restless hand through his hair. He wanted to say no right off the bat. He'd been lived alone for damn near eight years. The last few months he hadn't had more than a moment or two to himself. Especially after his discussion with Bella, he'd been looking forward to having a few days to regroup. He was having trouble dealing with all the changes in his life, his complete uncertainty, and not the least of all, whatever the hell was going on between him and Bella.
He closed his eyes, counting to ten before he threw a very childish tantrum. How could he be selfish when his father was in such a bad way? He blew out a long breath. "I wonder if there's still room on the flight."
Alice grinned. "I already got you on a different flight. It only leaves an hour later, so don't panic. I also upgraded you to first class."
For a few seconds, Edward's lips quirked up and down, up and down. He didn't know whether to yell or laugh. The laugh came out first, and he shook his head. "I never had a choice, did I?"
"Nope." Alice looked smug, and leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "The trick is to let them think they have a choice and guide them until they make the right one."
"Right." Edward huffed. "Fine. I'll take him, but you have to do me a favor."
His sister rolled her eyes. "Let me guess. Lay off Bella?" She eyed him suspiciously. "Are you going to tell me what's going on with you guys?" She glanced over at the guest room pointedly.
"No." He sighed, feeling more than a little exhausted. "But trust me. It's more my fault than hers this time, okay? Just... be nice."
"Fine." She grumbled. "I can be civil."
"Really, Alice."
"Really. I promise." She raised her fingers. "Scout's honor."
Edward studied her carefully before he nodded. "Thank you."
~0~
Alice was right of course. Getting out of the house, out of the state, did Carlisle a world of good. At least, it had to be better that he couldn't get so absorbed in his own thoughts. With only Edward to concentrate on, he was naturally a little more attentive than he had been.
It helped too that Edward's friends and associates were so kind. Benjamin, his business partner, had taken them out for a fancy dinner. The next day, his wife, Tia, offered to entertain Carlisle while Benjamin and Edward settled business.
Currently, Benjamin was sitting across from him in his office, his hands steepled as he rocked back and forth in his chair. "You're serious." It wasn't a question. "Just like that, you're going to give up your, very profitable I might add, business?"
"Well, I am asking you to buy me out at what my half is worth," Edward pointed out. "That's hardly a paltry sum." He leaned forward, hands folded on his desk. "You've been running the place almost entirely on your own for the last five months. It shouldn't be too difficult of a transition."
"No, that's not what I'm worried about. You're right. I've been fine mostly on my own here. I can handle that." His friend studied him. "But what about you? You have a life here, and you're going to give it up for a tiny town? What are you going to do there?"
"I have no idea," Edward admitted. "I just know I can't do this anymore."
"And your friends?"
Edward smiled down at his hands. He had people who occasionally invited him over to parties, with whom he could have a drink after a long day, but he hadn't really missed them in the months he'd been gone. He'd hardly thought about them.
He remembered Bella's friend Emmett and wondered if anyone would care that much for him, worry that much, if he disappeared from one day to the next. He sincerely doubted it. "There's always Facebook," he said flippantly. "This is life, isn't it? People move on. Change. This is 2013. We don't have to stop being friends."
"Fair enough." Benjamin shook his head. "I just couldn't imagine walking away from this life."
He leaned forward, all business then. Benjamin named a figure. Edward nodded. It was more than fair. They shook.
And just like that, Edward let go of this facet of the life he'd planned with Bella when he was still just a kid.
~0~
As a man with means, it was remarkably easy to wrap up his old life. After he'd signed over his business and arranged for his apartment to be packed up, there was surprisingly little to do.
He really hadn't had much of a life here, he realized. Once again, his mother was right.
The night before they were set to fly home, Edward was sitting alone at his dining room table, spinning his phone around on the tabletop.
He remembered arguing with Bella about her life. It seemed so small to him. Working at a diner with nothing to show for the last eight years.
Except friends that loved her and missed her.
"You know nothing about my life. You don't know what I've done these last eight years. How fucking dare you call it nothing? And really, you have no right to judge me."
What made him think he had the right to judge her? Despite his own biased assumptions based on the bits and pieces he knew about her life, he really didn't have a cohesive story.
Before he could talk himself out of it, Edward tapped out a quick text message to Bella.
Everything okay at home?
There was so much more he wanted to say, but he wondered why he thought he had the right to say them. After everything he'd put her through, why would she want to talk.
Everything's fine. How's Carlisle?
As if on cue, Carlisle appeared in the hallway. "Edward?"
"Hey, Dad. I thought you were asleep."
Carlisle shuffled over, sitting down across from him. He pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes, rubbing. "I was, but I'm not now."
"Fair enough."
"What about you?"
Edward shrugged. He stood, retrieving a beer for himself and offering one to his father. Carlisle took it, but after the first sip, he merely stared at it. This was par for the course. He could hardly be convinced to take more than a few bites of food or a few sips of anything else days.
"You're sure about what you're doing here, Edward? Giving up your business, your life?"
"It's done," he said simply. He took a long pull of his beer. "You know what we haven't talked about?"
"What's that?"
"What do you want to do, Dad?"
Carlisle looked down at the table. "That's a good question," he murmured. He scrubbed his hand over his eyes. "The hospital, my old hospital said I could come back, if I wished."
"In Seattle?"
His father nodded slowly.
"Is that what you want?"
"It's..." Carlisle tilted his beer back and forth listlessly. "It made me happy once. It might be good for me."
Edward nodded. "Seattle. I can do Seattle."
His father looked up at him. "Edward, you know you don't have to stay with me, right?"
"Dad-"
"You have your own life, and you have a wife of your own, now."
Now it was Edward's turn to look down at the table. "I don't..." He swallowed hard. "It won't be an issue."
He could feel his father's eyes on him, so he stumbled on quickly. "Bella's wanted to get out of Forks for years. I'm sure-"
"Talk to me, Edward." Carlisle's voice was soft, but there was that edge dads always perfected. The "I mean business" edge.
Edward sighed. "I don't want to burden you."
"Being your father is never a burden."
The last few days, trying to sort out the mess that was his head, Edward had ached to talk to someone. But to whom? His sister's misdirected anger wouldn't be useful. The last thing he needed was someone stoking his own lingering anger. Fury distorted truth.
What he wanted most was to talk to his mother, but as that was impossible, his father would have been the next best choice. But what he'd told Bella some days before was true. He was worried about adding to Carlisle's obvious depression.
Then again, maybe it wasn't bad to lay a foundation.
Edward huffed. "My marriage is in serious trouble," he admitted.
Carlisle nodded as though this wasn't a surprise. Of course it wouldn't be. There was a reason his parents had sent him and Bella off to California on a belated honeymoon. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"Are you still in love with her?"
Edward's breath caught.
"It's not the same thing as loving her," Carlisle warned.
"I know." Edward's voice was soft, defeated. "I am in love with her." His heart twisted as he said it, as he admitted it to himself. Maybe there were gaps in his knowledge of who she was, but he knew well enough love and logic seldom kept the same company.
He remembered every time she let him lash out and still didn't leave, withstanding his anger, Alice's anger, for his mother's sake. He remembered watching her with his parents, her smile, her ease with them, her gentleness. And he remembered those brief minutes he thought she was pulled out with the sea. His panic that he'd lost her once and for all.
"I'm in love with her," he repeated, swallowing hard. "And she loves me, but I don't think she's in love with me."
Carlisle didn't answer right away. "Did you know your mother was engaged to another man when we met?"
Edward started. "What? She was like... seventeen when you met, wasn't she?"
"She was." Carlisle's look was far away, and for a brief moment, he smiled. Edward saw his eyes go glassy before he turned his head.
"Dad..."
"It was a difficult time. I was so in love with her, and I didn't think... She wasn't right with Charles. It felt to me more like duty. Your mother is... was so loyal. She'd been with him since she was a Freshman in high school, and..." He shook his head, dismissing the thought.
He looked down, rubbing his hands together. "I was very close to leaving. I got into another school. I thought... A fresh start somewhere far away was the only thing that made sense. As far away from your mother as I could get so maybe I could forget about her."
"That sounds familiar," Edward murmured. "So what happened?"
Carlisle reached across the table, clasping his arm. "If you still love each other, there's always hope." He took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. "It is worth it, Edward." He winced, but he nodded. "Every minute, every wound your mother and I inflicted on each other... even now, from where I sit, it was all worth fighting for. All of it."
~0~
Dad's doing better, actually.
Five full minutes after that text, another came in.
Will you come up to meet me at the airport? Let Alice and Jasper drive Dad back.
Bella bit her lip, staring at the text. She jumped when her phone buzzed again.
Please, Bella.
Pressing her lips together, Bella only thought for a few seconds before she answered.
Okay.
Bella was so wrapped up wondering what Edward could want, she almost walked into the kitchen. At the last moment, she realized the noise she heard was the sound of arguing.
Alice and Jasper, of course. She couldn't really hear what they were saying. Alice's voice spiked while Jasper's remained steady.
The voice got closer, and Bella barely had enough time to jump back before Alice came barreling out of the kitchen. She was around the corner and pounding up the stairs in a second.
Shaking off her momentary fright, Bella ducked into the kitchen. She found Jasper at the island, his head in his arms on the counter.
Bella didn't say anything at first. She fetched a bottle of whiskey and got two shot glasses. Sitting next to Jasper at the counter, she poured them both a shot. Jasper lifted his head and chuffed, but he took the shot and knocked it back.
"You want to talk about it?" Bella offered.
Jasper side-eyed her, but then he shrugged. "I guess if there's anyone else who would understand this family, it's you."
He sighed. "Alice has given up a lot of opportunities to stay close to her parents."
"And she's about to do it again?"
Jasper nodded slowly. He gave a humorless laugh. "It's a little crazy how in flux this family is. It's true, Murphy's Law, isn't it?"
"In my experience. Yeah."
"Silence under pain of death," Jasper warned, pointing at her.
"I won't say a word," Bella promised.
"Well. Right before she graduated, Alice got word she was accepted into a workshop. Most expenses paid. In Milan."
"That's amazing."
Jasper poured them both another shot. "It is," he agreed. "Of course, with Esme so sick, it was a foregone conclusion she wouldn't go."
"But she still has a chance?" Bella guessed.
"Yeah. She has four days left to confirm, and she'd have to be there in a month and a half." He sighed. "It's not forever. She'd be back in less than a year. But she refuses to even consider going."
"That would be frustrating for you." Bella cocked her head, studying Alice's boyfriend. "Where does that leave you? If she stays, if she goes..."
He chuckled. "It's like I said, we're all in flux." He shook his head, his smile fond. "It's been odd for me, you know? It's been a weird time. I never thought I'd be unemployed, living with my not-even-in-laws. Sounds pathetic when you put it that way, huh?
"I graduated a year and a half ago. I've been working. Nothing spectacular, but long story really short, my bills have been low. I've got a little bit saved, which is how I've been living the past few months."
He smiled. "Wherever my girl goes, I'll follow. She's my future; I know that. And I understand a connection to family. I've got nothing against it." He pressed his lips together. "It's just... she has dreams bigger than this town, you know?"
"Believe me, I understand." She picked up the shot Jasper had given her and knocked it back. "That's exactly how it happens. Opportunities come at the same time as hard times, and you make a choice."
"I just want it to be the right choice for her." Jasper looked at Bella, his expression careful. "I don't want her to have the regrets her brother has."
Bella smiled and squeezed his arm. "You're a good guy. Alice is very lucky."
He gave her a quick side hug. "How 'bout you, Bella? You know you can talk to me, right? If you need a neutral audience?"
"I do know that."
For a minute, Bella caught a glimpse of a future she hadn't let herself consider.
A man by her side who loved her the way Edward had loved her so many years ago, a loving father, a sister, and a friend in Jasper. It was a nice set dressing.
Not reality, she reminded herself.
~0~
Bella bit the inside of her cheek. For reasons she didn't understand, she was nervous. Her stomach was twisted up in knots.
It felt suspiciously like a date.
Edward had driven them to a restaurant downtown. Bella had always loved people watching, and this was a prime place. Edward had asked for a window seat. The restaurant was set high, looking down at the busy street and Pike's Place Market.
She had to wonder if he'd remembered that.
"You wanted to talk about something, didn't you?" Bella finally asked.
Edward cleared his throat. "I... yeah." He shifted in his seat. Obviously, whatever he was about to say wasn't comfortable for him. "I... When you left me-"
"Edward," she interrupted, rankling. The last thing she wanted to hear at this point was another recrimination from him.
He sighed. "No. Please hear me out. This isn't about you." He huffed, looking down at his hands. "You're so defensive." It was not said as an accusation but a realization. "Of course. Why wouldn't you be? I've jumped down your throat at every opportunity, haven't I?"
Bella didn't answer, but she wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
He tried again, his tone softer. "When you left me, at first I was sure it wasn't real. The whole rest of that day - days afterward, actually - I was sure you were going to call or reappear.
"Then, when I finally accepted you weren't coming back, I was... a lot of things, but ashamed was one of them."
Bella's head snapped up. "Ashamed? But what could you possibly have to be ashamed about?"
He twisted his napkin in his hands. "I never told you... All that semester my friends filled my head with doubt. What we had wasn't real. You weren't being faithful to me, so I shouldn't be faithful to you. And I told them no. You and I were the real deal."
Bella's lips twisted. "And then I played right into what they'd been trying to say all along."
He nodded. "You know, I wasn't even angry at first? It was there, but it was buried beneath everything else I was feeling. I was just so confused."
They were interrupted then when the food they'd ordered came. Both of them pulled back. Bella didn't realize until that moment she'd been leaning forward over the table.
When the waiter had retreated, Edward reached over the table, taking her hand. "Bottom line, Bella... I let myself believe a lie, and I'm sorry about that. You are worth fighting for." He took a deep breath. "And it's not a mistake I'm going to repeat."
Gently, Bella took her hand back, staring down at her dinner. "Edward... I don't know if-"
"No, Bella, listen." His words were a plea gently spoken. "There's something here between you and me. I know you feel it. And I'm not willing to lose whatever it is because I'm not brave enough to fight. I just mean I'm not going to let you walk out of my life again without a word of protest.
"I'm not going to pretend I know what we're supposed to be to each other. We've both made mistakes. We've both hurt each other tremendously, and I have no idea if those wounds can be healed. I'm just saying, if I haven't hurt you so badly you want nothing to do with me, I want to try."
Bella's mouth was dry and the lump in her throat painful to swallow around. "What does that mean?"
His lips tugged downward. "I don't know yet," he admitted. "We might end up as friends, or we might..." He trailed off, shaking his head slightly. "At the very least, it might be nice to find closure."
Bella's heart gave a distant pang as if that idea, such a logical idea, didn't quite sit well.
Reality, she reminded herself.
Slowly, she nodded. "Okay. So what do you want us to do?"
He began restlessly moving food around his plate. Neither of them were eating. "I think... it might be a good thing for me to stay in the guest room. My family is aware we're having problems, and I think it would be easier not to blur lines."
Again, Bella's heart twisted. She had to admit she'd enjoyed having him close those hardest days right after Esme died. But she nodded. "That makes sense."
The slightest smile played at his lips, as though he was thrilled she was being so agreeable so far. It seemed to bolster his confidence. "I've thought a lot about what you said before, that we don't know each other. So that's the only thing I ask." His expression was hesitant, almost shy. "Do you think we can get to know each other, or is it too late for that?"
This time it was Bella who reached across the table, taking his hand. "Of course it's not too late for that."
A/N: So many thanks to songster and YES, BARBURELLA, ENDLESS LOVE TO YOU. Lol.
If you'll indulge a moment of shameless self promotion, I'm looking to publish my first novella, Duplicity, next month. If you're at all interested, I have tidbits over at my website, KristinaMSanchez dot com. I'm hoping to have a excerpt up soon.
Okay. Back to these kids. How are we feeling about Edward's request?