- Chapter 34 -
Splitting the Atom
The dancers had come to a standstill beside the Cloud Chamber, a little hot, but hardly out of breath.
"… and if it turned out you had two heads … Misha would simply up the number in his order for wedding tiaras …"
Fei half smiled at this last statement, as if thinking it wholly quixotic … but he had gone very still, his pupils wide, it could just be seen in his dark eyes. There was a kind of light about him, a misty bridal veil …
Alexej smiled at him ruefully.
"As awful as that video was …", he kept his voice quiet, just a hint of emotion surfacing, making Fei glance at him. "Oh god … it's sick, but I must admit … it gave me some hope! I thought perhaps - after all? I would have gone all out … to woo you away … to win you for myself. But no …"
He drew the radiant Asian closer again.
"I did some research. It's not meant to be."
He started swaying again, musing,
"in a way, you might be lucky nobody seems to have cared all that much when you were small … oh god how can I say something like that …"
"What are you talking about?"
Alexej froze.
" … you …you don't know?" he almost whispered.
Fei shook his head, frowning a little. "What don't I know?"
The scientist stared. The beautiful Hong Kong Mafia Boss was turning clear eyes on him, a liquid look that was making him go weak in the knees …
"Oh never mind, never mind", he almost cried out, "don't heed me! I'm being extremely stupid … again …", he added darkly.
"What do you mean?" Fei was asking on, and his tone was level, impatient even, his stance self-assured, virile … but his eyes were suddenly bright, and brimming over. The Russian watched, stunned.
The Chinese stared back at him, looking almost angry.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Alexej's hands twitched, as if to touch his classmate's wet face.
They were both breathing heavily.
Finally, the Russian spoke in a strained voice,
"… we have shaken off that Asami and his minion … and that is good …", Fei's eyes flickered, "Misha's not thinking straight at the moment …"
was there an angry undertone? The Asian shifted, his body hitching …
" … but there is someone else …"
… the Russian gazed off into space, shifting his grip on his partner, whose forced exhale hit his neck in a warm, wet gust, making him feel he was trying to hold in a churning wild sea. He unthinkingly steadied Fei's face against his shoulder, like Misha had done with him in the pub. The Chinese was still letting himself be held, was even leaning into the embrace …
… the flannel felt so soft, and so warm, against his cheek … a breathing, solid warm body … so pleasant, so human … reassuring … the smell wasn't wholly what he liked, though, too much cologne.
"Why do you have to appreciate the Nabla Operator?" the physicist whispered passionately, "do you know what some of my blockheaded students call it? 'Blabla' Operator, very funny … ", his tone rose, "there will be some Serious. Weeding. Out", he snarled in odd contrast to how tenderly he had begun brushing his nose through his guest's hair - drawing back immediately when he realized what he was doing - "next trimester …"
Fei was leaning against him, at rest, experiencing an instant of strange relaxation, even slipping into a kind of trance …
… this was ok …
… not so terrifying as with Misha -
- whom he would lose again.
Who could never be serious with him, no matter what his old friend was saying … no matter how Misha himself had looked at him this morning … he gasped … no!
… nobody could want him … not the way he was …
Despair lunged at his heart, plunging him, with familiar abruptness, into his familiar abyss of utter nothingness … he tensed and shuddered, not really feeling Alexej rock him in his arms a little, keeping up a steady stream of talk to calm him …
"that whole Nietzsche 'Over-Man' crap … a lot of us going into science have a weak spot there … 'to perceive whatever holds / the world together in it's innermost folds'… Dr. Faust making a pact with the devil to get hold of that knowledge, putting up his soul as a bargain, we understand that …"
The Chinese was heaving, and now the strong Russian lightly nudged his ear with his nose. "Other than our marrying", and that actually had the intended effect, rousing the shuddering bundle of despair in his arms, even making him give a shaky little laugh, "now, none of that! no laughing here! won't stand for it! Other than that …who gives a damn about your … special disposition?" he slit his eyes, like fixating prey. "Those doctors", he went on sharply, "whoever hasn't been stuck with some label? Me - I've got only one kidney …. that's a lot more restricting, huh. They almost wouldn't let me go into competitive sports…"
"Yes …?"
"Yes … they have no idea … "
The Chinese seemed struggling for composure.
"Last year, I got lured in by Arbatov, Misha's uncle."
There was no reaction, Fei had bowed his head. Alexej was absentmindedly but methodically stroking the hard contours of his muscles through the soft stuff of Misha's sweatshirt, still clasping him, murmuring on, as if to himself …
" … it was long before yesterday … actually the moment I first met you personally … last November … Leonardo, that cute pic with the four arms and legs, and you saying it was his way of showing man as a superhuman being, as a superhero, as Spider Man, the eight limbs, you know, made me laugh … and I knew it is Arbatov … who is the 'Under-Man' here … not really human …"
He let both of his hands come to rest on the Asian's supple back, not quite covering it … looking at the shining bowed head, going on quietly, deliberately,
" … and he isn't even really the boss, is he? don't know when I realized that … there was always some mysterious reference, a power behind the scenes, someone who had the money … Arbatov, for all his old family riches, he always needs more, he's bad with money, he is dependent, and doesn't he resent it! but I don't think he personally knows who it is, they never met like that, I think … now I wonder … "
The beautiful face was rising now … fixing Alexej in a look of - almost disdain? the sparkling dark eyes taking on an eerie look, sending a shiver over the hefty Russian …
And I can't even say why I'm suddenly certain that person is you.
It was quiet down under the face of the earth.
And yet you screamed out in terror at the mention of Professor Yuri Arbatov … you don't know what is the matter with you, you seem to have no consciousness of that video … made for … and shown to us by … Misha's uncle … as you don't seem to know why you are crying … and not even that you are crying …
"You are with those Human Love jerks?"
The Chinese' tone was quiet, conversational even.
Alexej did not answer, his breathing quickening slightly.
"We make money of that idiotic sect in my circles", Fei was going on, as if musing, " … some of my 'colleagues', you might say, still recruit", he stared at Alexej without any expression, very strange since his beautiful face was still tear streaked.
"Until I put a stop to it, at least in my organization", he went on in the same strange voice, "I had never given it much thought before … but then something happened last year." He stilled, his eyes taking on a searching look. "I had, you might say, an encounter, with … someone."
He seemed to be trying to make sense of something, his gaze turning inwards, then slowly nodding.
"And after that … nothing was the same any more."
He looked up again, suddenly.
"I'm sorry", he said, "I like you."
- to be continued, comments very welcome ;-) -
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