It was not the first time he had asked but she still didn't have an answer and the thing was, it went back further than him, a lot further back than him. It's not that she didn't sometimes think about something that was fun, or a little dirty, it was just that, sex was so good with him that when they were going for it those things didn't cross her mind; she didn't need something else to make it better when it was just fine as it was.

But maybe Cal was right, maybe there were things he should know. Not because he was pressing her buttons, but because they didn't have secrets between them. Not that it was a secret. It wasn't. And it wasn't like it was necessarily something bad either it was...

"I can hear you thinkin'," Cal noted from the darkness of the driver's seat. "But I can't hear you talkin'."

Gillian sighed. "Can I tell you later? When we're in bed?"

"We're not talkin' about the same thing are we?"

"No," Gillian admitted.

"Should I be worried?"

"No," Gillian said again but she hesitated over the word and that was enough to put Cal on the alert. She sensed the stiffening of his body. He glanced over at her. "I'll explain when we get home."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I just don't want to get into this and then have to put on a happy face for our daughter."

"Did you just say our daughta?" Cal turned to glance at her quickly. He bumped the wheel and had to right it quickly before he crossed lanes. The car jerked around for a second.

Gillian was mortified. Actually mortified. "I didn't mean that, it was a slip of the tongue!" She told him quickly.

Cal chuckled. "I'm just, actually, I'm surprised it didn't happen soona."

"Don't tell Emily I said that."

"Why not? She'd be pleased you're adoptin' her."

"She has a mother," Gillian pointed out.

"So. Some kids are special and have to Mummy's," he teased.

"It's not funny Cal."

But it did distract him.

"It bloody is! Emily would be the first to admit Zoe was not exactly the world's greatest mutha. Havin' a back up did her a world of good."

Gillian shrunk back in her seat, still not impressed. "Don't tell Emily, she'll tell Zoe," she warned in a low tone.

Cal was silent for a moment. "All right," he agreed, his voice serious again. "Between you and me then."

"Thank you."

"Like the convasation we're gonna have when we get home."

"Yeah yeah," Gillian grouched. "I heard you."

Cal laughed again. "Hey, a shag in the office is meant to make you feel good."

Gillian smiled in the darkness despite herself. Oh yeah it had been good. She'd had to bin practically her entire desk pad and she was pretty sure she was missing a few pens from the mug that had fallen to the floor but at least her entire desk hadn't collapsed on them.

"Next time, can we do it on the coffee table?"

"No way. You bruised my shoulders so badly last time we did it on the table like that." Which is exactly why it had been a gazillion years since they'd done it.

"We've done it on plenty of tables."
"Yes but when you have the extra leverage advantage, I suffer for it."

Cal laughed again. "The couches?"

"Yours are easier to clean," Gillian shot back.

"Why you spoil my fun?"

"Why are you not mortified about people potentially finding out we had sex in the office?" The thought made her stomach quiver with nerves. Cal gave a shrug. "You have no shame Doctor Lightman," Gillian leaned forward to lick around the curve of his ear. Then she bit down on his lobe. That should shut him up.

His laugh cut off and the car swerved dangerously again. "Geeze are you tryin' to kill us?" He complained. "Save it for late-a."

"I'd say that's you pretty much done for a while," Gillian sat back, a little triumphant.

"For my next project, I'm gonna work on a time machine."

"What for?" Gillian asked confused. So they could go back to twenty minutes ago? Admittedly, she was going to be reliving that one for a few days. Maybe weeks. It had been a really good anniversary weekend.

"Go back and meet you earlia in my lifetime. Get in some extra shags."

"And what makes you think I'd have a bar of you way back then?"

Cal chuckled once more as he turned onto their street. "All right, so are we gonna boot our daughta out? Or be civil and maybe have a glass of wine?"

"Glass of wine," Gillian decided. "You can wait to hear my story."

Cal grumbled something like 'forgot bout that' as he turned into their drive. They were home just as it was 'bed time'. Owen rushed Gillian at the foot of the stairs. "I missed you Mum!"

Gillian laughed and lifted him to her hip. "Where's everyone else?'

"Ajay's there," Owen pointed over his shoulder towards the living room. "And Lewis and Emmy are up there," he pointed up the stairs.

"What are you doin' down here?" Cal asked, leaning in to plant a kiss on his son's cheek.

"I was," Owen looked vague while he tried to come up with a good excuse.

"Hidin'," Cal accused. "Have you don't your teeth?"

"Yes," Owen answered.

"Are you sure?" Gillian asked. But he smelt like mint so he must have.

"Ahhhh!" Owen squealed and squirmed until his mother put him down.

"Up," Cal grabbed him by the shoulder. "Bed time. Let's go!" Owen took off at a run and Cal followed behind him.. Cal caught Owen around the waist while they were still in the hallway and lifted him to his shoulder. Owen let out another squeal and laughed. Emily's head appeared around the bathroom door where she was with Lewis, while he brushed his teeth

"Oh hey!" Emily greeted her father. "You're back early. I thought you'd be out later."

"Thought we'd have a glass of wine togetha," Cal countered, putting Owen down in his bedroom door way across the hall. "Get into bed," he directed the boy. "If you want?" He lifted his gaze back to his daughter.

"Yeah sure," Emily gave a shrug to say she didn't mind.

Lewis appeared. "Hi Dad."

"Hey buddy."

"Did you have a nice dinner?"

"Yeah it was really nice."

Lewis brushed past him and Cal turned to follow his son into the room. Emily came too and they doled out hugs and kisses and goodnights. Owen asked Cal to send Mum in and Cal said he would. Emily waited for her father in the hallway. "Were they good?" Cal asked as they started walking downstairs.

"Yeah they were fine, as always," Emily responded.

"Thanks for babysittin'."

"I enjoy spending time with them. Wish we could spend more."

"I undastand," Cal told her as they headed down the stairs. "Life is busy and you're thinkin' about startin' your own family."

Emily turned her head sharply. "Who told you that?"

"You forget. I read faces."

Emily 'hmmed' as they headed into the kitchen, but now it was confirmed for Cal; Emily and Ajay were at least beginning to think about starting to have children of their own. Emily was twenty-nine now. Cal could hardly argue she was too young. Gillian and Ajay were sitting on the couches across the room, white wine in hand. There were two glasses poured on the breakfast bar, waiting for Cal and Emily.

"So where'd you guys go?" Emily asked, taking a seat next to her husband on the love seat.

Cal sat next to his wife on the three-seater. "The Wheaton festival." He leaned closer to Gillian. "The boys want you to say goodnight."

"Oh yeah they have great food," Ajay spoke up as Gillian got to her feet.

They talked for an hour and drank the wine. Emily invited the boys to stay sometimes in the summer and Cal invited Ajay and Emily to have dinner with them next week, and more often than they currently were. With promises made they said goodnight. Cal locked the door and headed upstairs after his wife. She was in the bathroom, the shower was running and she was stripping off everything she was wearing and tossing the clothes in the hamper.

"Can I join you?" Cal asked politely.

"Sure," she shot him a smile over her shoulder as she stepped under the water. The shower door clicked shut and Cal did the same, stripped off everything he was wearing and followed her in. She made room for him, her body foamy with body wash that smelt like peaches. Cal breathed in the scent deeply, wanting more. Gillian spread her lathered hands over his chest and made him turn around. She rubbed his back and shoulders firmly. "It's been a while since we did this," she noted.

"Showa-ed togetha?"

"Well that too, but I meant, me washing your back or rubbing your shoulders."

"You should do that more often then," Cal gave a little groan as she worked his muscles. Gillian pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. "My turn," he spun on her, careful so he didn't slip and fall. Gillian presented him with her back and he reached for the body wash. He leaned closer to her ear. "I'm gonna say all the mushy things about you bein' a good mum, and bein' glad we have two boys and how I love you and love bein' married to you for ten years and that I hope we get ten more." He caught the smile at the edge of her jaw.

"Go on," she encouraged.

"I just said them," Cal told her, pressing his thumbs against the edge of her spine.

She arched slightly. "Ok then thanks."

Cal grinned.

"Back at you." A pause. "Not the Mom bit but you know, the marriage stuff."

"Yeah right," Cal agreed gruffly. "I'm gonna go have a beer and go to sleep then."

"Don't forget to put the game on and stick your hand down your pants."

"Oh well I would if I could manage more than once every two days."

Gillian laughed. He always got the last word. She turned around carefully too and reached up to press against his lips, the water running over her back. "You're a fantastic father Cal." He smiled pleased and she went on, not waiting for a reply. "Thank you for the words and the rub."

"You're welcome and also, dirty."

Gillian gave him a grin and pushed against the shower door to get out. Cal finished washing and stepped out himself, reaching for his towel. He found Gillian in bed, her towel over the end of the frame and her eyes watching him. Cal dried off, pulled on clean underwear and flung his towel to mirror hers. He crawled under the covers and suddenly suspected she was naked. Seriously not fair. He was thinking about blue pills again. He didn't want to slow down. He wasn't ready.

"So," Gillian turned on her side to face him. "You want to hear my story?"

A conversation with the lights on? How novel. Cal settled in mirror image. He'd forgotten about this. A mystery story. Something from her past he would guess. Something that had not come up before. And something to do with sex. It could be interesting. "Yes."

"It was in college."

Cal didn't know what to think.

"I was at a party and I was drunk. I was still trying to forget about my father," she hesitated slightly, almost rolled her eyes. "By emulating him." She took a deep breath and smoothed her hand over the hair on Cal's chest, like she was trying to tame it. "I met this guy, who was a jock, popular, good looking. And for whatever reason, he took an interest in me and we got to talking. He took me back to his dorm room and we..." She hesitated and looked up at her husband.

"Had sex," Cal supplied.

"Yes," Gillian just about whispered, but still held his gaze and he could she was partly back there, partly narrating from a distance.

"Did he force you?" Cal hazarded a guess.

"No, not really."

Cal was about to protest but she went on.

"I didn't exactly say 'no'."

"But you wanted to?" He felt his hands get twitchy, like they wanted to close around something and choke it.

"I didn't really know what I wanted. So when he told me to do something I did, even though, maybe, I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't exactly experienced." She paused again and when Cal said nothing she went on. "We weren't exactly careful either and I had to take the morning after pill. Of course I didn't have to take it after all, but I didn't know that then."

A little bit of shame. Still. After two boys? There was still shame there for her? Cal figured it was more to do with Sophie and Lily. Had to. Didn't make sense otherwise.

"Did he hurt you?" Cal prompted. His mind was trying to race and he was trying to stop it. He was imaging the worst. In any scenario where someone hurt his wife it was the worst. Even when she wasn't his wife.

Gillian hesitated. She started to say 'no' and then drew out a 'yes' so it almost didn't sound like the word at all. "He was rough. And," she looked away. "It hurt me, yeah."

Twitchy feeling again.

"You don't," Cal started but it was too late. She had told him.

"There's more," Gillian met his eye again. "A few days later, he found me and knocked on my door and he took me out to a bar."

"Gill, you don't," Cal tried again, fearing the worst.

"No it's ok. This story, it's really not as big a deal as I'm making it sound."

Cal brought a hand up to her arm, unable to keep still any longer.

"It's just that, I was messed up back then and young and I hadn't been with anyone other than my first and so I'm not particularly proud of it. Especially because I did all the stupid things I counselled young women on years later."

Cal loosened his grip on her.

"I wasn't the only one he was... dating at the time," she struggled with the word. "He kept it just tame enough to doubt that he was even doing something wrong. But it felt wrong to me and that should have been enough. I know that now but not back then."

"What did he do?"

"Things I wasn't ready for. With... props and photos."

"He took photos?"

"I got them back. My roommate and I broke in to his dorm and stole a whole stack. And his camera for good measure. And my roommate wiped the images off his hard drive."

"Gill."

"I know," she cut him off. "It was incredibly stupid. Beyond stupid."

"Well we've all done stupid shit," Cal muttered.

"Anyway. My point is. The reason I don't fantasise now is... I had these ideas about how sex would be and how boyfriends were meant to be and no one ever lived up to them until I met you. So... you have fulfilled my fantasies Cal. I meant that, when I told you."

He felt a little ashamed now. Her hand came to his chin and pulled it back up gently, so he would look her in the eye. "You gave me hope." She held his gaze for a long time. Hope. Not just hope but Lewis, their sons, their life, their marriage. Cal closed his eyes in acknowledgement and she gave him a smile when he opened them again. "So... that's the story. Now you know."

Cal nodded. "Thank you for tellin' me."

Twenty-one years he had known her. Ten years of being married. And it was just now he was hearing this story.

"But, uh, while we're talking about fantasies..."

Cal met her eye again, not sure if he should be interested in this, after hearing that, not sure if he was, to be honest.

"Sometimes... when you're all unshaven and rugged," she gave a coy kind of shy smile and Cal made his decision.

"Go on," he encouraged gently, softening his gaze so there was less pressure. Obviously, this was a subject that was difficult for her.

"I picture you with like, coveralls on and... dirty and..."

Cal gave a slow kind of sly smile. "What are you thinkin'? Sewerage worka?"

Gillian laughed and hid her face in her pillow. "No!" Her voice was muffled. But that was what Cal wanted, to lighten the atmosphere in the room again. Fantasies, especially sexual fantasies, should be fun. And thank fuck he had never seen evidence on her face of her connecting with that memory, that story she had just told him, until now.

Gillian turned back to him, one eye still obscured. Cal gave her a slight grin. Damn she looked cute like that. "Go on then," he encouraged lightly again. "Tell me. Tell me what you want," he smoothed his hand further up her arm.

"I was thinking more like... construction..."

"Oh yeah?" Cal raised an eyebrow. Jeans, white undershirt, low slung tool belt. He could do that.

"With the hard hat."

Cal gave her another grin. He was pleased to see Gillian genuinely return it.

And then she giggled.