Really, what was he doing there? He had convinced himself years ago he had washed his hands of Rader and moved on. But the voice in the back of his head that had made him come today sounded a lot like Gillian; she was a big fan of second chances, even when the first chance had shit all over her. Then again, she'd given him more than his fair share and he was grateful for that. It may have taken him a while, but he had got the message. So maybe Rader deserved a second chance. No he didn't but he at least deserved the benefit of the doubt, for about two minutes and then Cal was going to bail. He hadn't even told Gillian he was coming here today. She was with Owen up at the school, making sure he was settled before she left him for the very first time. Cal had gone in with her, like he had done with Lewis, but then he'd come straight out to the prison.
It was shitty timing; the phone call from Rader had come through the day before. He had requested to see Cal and Cal had initially told him to get stuffed but then there was something in Rader's voice that Cal could not identify but that made him relent a little. He agreed to a meeting. He at least owed it to his curiosity to see what his former protégé wanted. Didn't he? Gillian would tell him yes. Sometimes it was annoying that she was too much in his head.
Cal had to relinquish everything in his pockets and go through a security check and he hoped there wouldn't be some sort of last minute panicked phone call from Owen or his mother that Cal was going to miss now because his phone had been confiscated. He was taken down a locked corridor to a visitation room. Rader was in medium security. Roberts had got minimum and would probably be out in a few months time, if he wasn't already. Rader, however, still had two years to go before he was even allowed to apply for parole.
Because Rader had requested a visitor Cal didn't have to wait long for him to show up. He was in a dark blue, scrub-styled prison uniform. He wasn't in cuffs and there was no plastic between them. They had to sit on opposite sides of the table, which was bolted to the floor; so were the chairs. Cal sized him up immediately, noting the lack of... that brand of Rader arrogance. He actually felt a pang of sympathy. The old Cal tried to shut it down immediately; those kinds of feelings did not serve him well, they made him soft. But the new Cal stopped that because those kinds of feelings, while uncomfortable, made him human.
"All right," Cal greeted warily, getting to his feet. He almost reached over to shake the other man's hand and had to remind himself where he was exactly.
"Thank you for coming," Rader's expression was falsely warm. He was being polite. And also humble. He indicated Cal should sit and he did and then so did Rader.
Cal's protégé had ended up in prison. It felt a bit like he was coming to visit his son.
"I wasn't sure you would," Rader added.
Cal didn't respond. He wasn't going to get into some false anti-pissing contest, pseudo flattery and good will towards all men. There was nothing to say in response. Of course he didn't want to go, of course he had already said 'no' on the phone, of course, he was there now. They both knew that. What more did Rader want?
Jack put his hands up on the desk and Cal could see his knuckles were red and worn, like he was now involved with manual labour and figured, he was probably on laundry duty, or something like that. Life would have changed so much... Life changed. Cal's life was changing too. Gillian was talking about leaving the Lightman Group. After how many years and she wanted to leave? Cal still wasn't sure what he thought about it. It smacked of abandonment big time. And now here was Rader, who had also once upon a time, sat Cal down and told him, when Cal had looked at him a bit like a son, that he wanted to go, that he didn't think there was anything else he could learn from Cal. It had felt so... it felt like betrayal. How was that any different from what Gillian was telling him now? And she was his wife.
"How's things?" Rader went on.
"Oh cut with the chit chat," Cal interrupted. "What is it that you wanted to see me for? There must be somethin' specific. You need money? Want me to get in touch with someone for you?"
Jack looked a little startled, his blue eyes widened.
"Well what were you expectin'?" Cal went on. "Me to hold your hand and make it all betta for you?"
"I was hoping to be able to apologise."
That threw Cal. He'd never know Jack Rader to apologise once in the entire time he'd known the guy. He'd known him longer than Gillian. That kind of thing was weird now. They'd met at the Pentagon, when Cal was still considered brilliant and not a liability. When Cal looked back, Rader leaving was the start of the decline, not that he blamed the other man for it... it was just the first of the domino fall.
"I know right," Rader gave him a slight smile. "Strange coming from me. But I mean that. I'm sorry for what I did. You..." he hesitated and then must have realised who he was talking to; there was no lying to Cal. "Well you might have tried to undermine me a lot but you never touched the people closest to me. What I did, it impacted more than just you. It could have taken Gillian down. And your son."
Cal felt that protective prickle across his skin. "Too right."
"I heard you have another son?"
Cal narrowed his eyes slightly, still suspicious.
"He'd be... five or so?"
"Five," Cal confirmed. And starting school today. Another pang, for a different reason.
Rader looked pleased. "I'm so thrilled for you and Gillian."
"Is this earnin' you brownie points?"
"I'm not up for parole until next year."
"You found religion then?"
"No," Rader gave a slight laugh. "But I've had a lot of time to think."
'Don't ask me for a job.'
"Plenty of time to reflect."
Interestingly, Cal had had plenty of time to reflect too. He'd managed it without a prison cell though.
"I just wanted to make amends. If I could. I understand if you can't find it in you to forgive me."
'Bastard,' Cal thought. Because now if he didn't forgive Jack he would look weak and stubborn and Rader would win. And if Cal did forgive him then he would look weak and Rader would win. Which was the lesser of two evils? How was he going to save face on this one? Because he was going to save face. Stubborn. He wasn't going to let Rader win, not ever. It was hard to tell if Jack was genuine or not or whether he was playing some game, but the last thing Cal wanted was for his protégé to win it.
Cal turned in his seat so he was facing the younger man, who all of a sudden, didn't seem so young anymore. Cal was in his late fifties; Rader was in his late forties. Time had passed them by. So much time. "Not about forgiveness," Cal mused. "If you meant somethin' to me, it might."
Rader looked surprised but he tried to hide it.
"You see," Cal leaned forward a little and kept his tone light. "Twenty-eight years ago I gave a crap, did you know it's been twenty-eight years?" The question was rhetoric, so Cal went on. "And now, I realise, I don't give a shit anymore. You just don't matta. Sorry." He got up again. The people in his life from twenty-eight years ago weren't even in his life now. Not his protégé, not his wife, not anyone he had worked with back then. The only person who had stuck around, of her own volition, was Gillian. Gillian had been there from the day they met right up until tomorrow. So what was Cal afraid of? Her wanting to go back to counselling a few days a week? Even if she got caught up she would still be there. No matter what happened, the one thing Cal was sure of in his life, even over his children, who would one day grow up and leave home and venture out to create their own, was Gillian. Cal was sure of Gillian.
Cal turned away from Rader, who looked a little stricken and started to walk away. Cal didn't even feel victorious. He just felt... like he'd reached an epiphany, a level of understanding and forgiveness, for himself and for his life and for how it used to be. Everything had changed and he knew it would continue to do so. That was life. That was how it had to be. Where did the spiral begin? How long was a piece of string? He couldn't stop it, control it, manipulate it. He didn't want to. He wanted Gillian to do the things she loved. He had already bent over backwards to love her, to give her sons, to give her happiness. Why not this too? Really, in the grand scheme of things, this was small potatoes.
Cal reached the door made of steel and indicated to the guard he wanted to leave. He didn't look back as he walked through and away down the corridor, free, while Rader stayed to sit out his last remaining months. Cal felt light, like he was walking on pink candy floss clouds, because he loved his wife and he had a wife who loved him and there weren't many in the world who could claim to have that. And when he got home, he was going to tell his wife that she should absolutely go back to counselling, she should absolutely do all the things, everything, that she could to be happy. He wanted her to. He would give her his blessing.