Chapter Twenty Five– (Breaking Down)
EPOV
I have never felt so depressed in my life. All I want is for Bella to be back here with me and the rest of my family. Every day I think about that conversation we had on Thanksgiving. I replay everything she said over and over in my head, trying to figure out what she was talking about. She seemed to have it stuck in her head that I was going to do something to hurt her. But I would never do that… I would never have done anything to hurt her. Physically or emotionally.
I don't know what she's been through because she always refused to talk to me about her past. All I know is that she hasn't seen her mother since she was twelve years old, and that has left her with some serious shadows lingering over her. Making her afraid to trust people. God, I just wish she would have opened up to me and told me what was on her mind instead of just running away.
I thought she wanted me and needed me, but she obviously didn't want or need me like I want and need her. She made me come alive, but now she's just left me here dying inside. I saw everything about her so clearly, but I guess she never really saw me or how happy she made me every time I was with her. And now I can't have her like she has me. She'll always have me. She stole my love and now I'm left with a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.
It's like I'm living in a dreaming state— I'm still functioning, but I'm never completely awake. I hope she thinks of me when she's out there. I'm probably just a distant memory to her now. I wish I could follow her back to the beginning and just relive the start of what we were. We can replay all of our favorite parts together and just live in those moments. All I ever wanted was her. And now I can't have her.
I roll over in my bed and glance at my radio clock. It's 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I run my hand over my face, leaving my arm lying across it. Alice comes barging into my room, her expression filled with confusion.
"Have you tried calling Bella today?"
"Not yet, no. Why?"
"Well. I just tried calling her and it said her number is disconnected."
"What?" I ask, sitting up abruptly in shock.
I lean over and grab my phone off of my bedside table. I dial her number. Instead of her voice greeting me in her voice mail, an automatic message plays, telling me that the number I called is no longer in use and has been disconnected. I shake my head as I climb out of bed and dial the number again. I can feel Alice's gaze on me as I continue pace back and forth, calling the number over and over again.
"What the fuck?" I hiss under my breath.
"Are you okay?" Alice asks attentively.
What the hell is going on? Why is her number disconnected? Did she get so sick of my constant calls and texts that she decided to change her number? Well that's a fucking low blow. I can't believe she would do something like that. She didn't even have the decency to call or text me back to tell me she doesn't want to speak to me. I guess that wouldn't have been any better though. I groan in frustration, throwing my phone across the room.
"Edward."
"What?" I yell.
"Calm down. I'm sure there's some sort of explanation for this," she says quietly. I clench my hands into fists as the frustration and anger builds up inside of me.
"She disconnected her number, Alice. So don't tell me to calm down!"
"Well maybe her phone broke or something?"
"Would you just face the facts? She obviously wants nothing to do with us anymore!" I yell again, my voice cracking in pain.
"Don't say that! She isn't like that," she whispers.
"How would you know?"
"Because she's my best friend! I knew her better than you did!" she says, her voice raising an octave. My eyes widen with shock at her statement.
"Get out," I say softly.
"Edward, I'm sorry –"
"Get out!" I yell this time. I see a lone tear fall from her eye before she looks down at the ground and walks out of my room.
I sit down on the edge of my bed, my hands in my hair as I rest my elbows on my thighs. I can't believe this is happening. Everything is crashing down on me – she's turned out to be someone I never thought she was. She was beautiful; her eyes were always clear and bright. I could see pain behind them and I thought I'd be able to fix her, but I was obviously wrong about that because she isn't here anymore. I don't know what I'm meant to do now. All I know is I'm so fucking pissed off with her right now. How could she do this? God, why do I even care anymore? Why did I even bother trying to keep in contact with her?
I walk over to my desk and pick up the framed photo of her and I. Rage over takes me and I smash it to the ground. I pick up all the photos that have her in it and rip them apart. I run my arms across my desk, throwing everything on top of it onto the ground.
"Whoa, man. What the fuck are you doing?" Emmett asks, shock clear in his voice.
I continue to trash my room, yelling out in anger about giving myself to her, just to have her throw everything we had away like it meant nothing to her. I feel Emmett's arms wrap around me, trying to restrain me.
"Calm the fuck down, bro."
"I fucking hate her!" I yell as I struggle in his arms.
"No, you don't. You're just hurting," he says calmly. I purse my lips and stop struggling, I shrug out of his arms as he lets go of me. I take deep slow breaths, trying to get myself under control.
"I'm more than fucking hurting," I mumble.
"Yeah, well maybe you should go let off some steam at the gym instead of getting your rage on in your room," he says through a laugh.
"This isn't funny, Emmett!" I snap at him, pulling on my hair with frustration.
"Sorry, man. Just trying to lighten the mood," he mumbles.
"Well, don't," I say sternly.
"Ali told me what happened." I stay silent, not wanting to talk about it. I feel his gaze on me and I know then that he isn't going to let off.
"I know you're hurt, man, but you didn't need to take it out on her –"
"I already know that. Can you just drop it?" I ask exasperated.
"No. You need to do some serious talking –"
"Emmett, just shut up! I don't want to talk about this."
"I don't give a shit! You shouldn't have been a prick to her! You need to calm the fuck down and get your shit together because one day you're gonna go too far and you're gonna have no one on your side!"
"Just fuck off okay? I don't need this!" I yell.
"You know what? We get it, okay? You're pissed about Bella dumpin' your ass and taking off. But you need to get over it."
"I don't want to get over it! Okay?" I yell, my voice breaking in anger.
"Well you fucking need to! We can all see this shit eating away at you and you're changing because of it. The only person you're sabotaging here is yourself, dude."
"I don't care! You have never experienced what I'm feeling right now, so just get off my back!"
"Fine! What-the-fuck-ever," he says in an icy tone before storming out of my room.
Today is the last day of school. Thank fuck for that. I don't know what I was going to do if I had to spend one more day in the hell hole with everyone staring at me as though I have two heads. Everyone seriously needs to get the fuck over my situation and focus on their own damn lives for once. The kids at this school gossip more than old ladies.
My first two classes go by in a blur. I felt completely numb during Biology. I never noticed how fucking boring that stupid class is without Bella in it to distract me. Mike and Tyler kept their snide remarks to themselves because I'm pretty sure they know if they say anything to me today, I will not hold back in punching them both square in the god damn head.
During lunch, I skip the lunch line and head straight to my table. I take my seat, keeping my eyes on the ground or focused on the table in front of me.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Alice asks softly.
"Not hungry," I mumble. I can feel her eyes on me so I glance over at her. I can see the concern in her eyes and I nearly roll my eyes. Typical Alice to still give a shit about me even after I'm a complete prick to her.
"Why do you even care, Alice? He's been a complete prick to everyone," Rosalie says in a cold tone. My eyes snap to hers and she quirks her brow at me, silently challenging me to call her up on her comment.
"Rose," Jasper says sternly.
"No, she's right and you know it," Emmett says in an annoyed tone. I roll my eyes before picking up my bag and walking away.
"Right-o. Walk away like always," Emmett mumbles. I turn around on the spot and narrow my eyes at him.
"Fuck. You." I spit the words at him before flipping him off and continuing to storm out of the cafeteria.
Asshole. Everyone is a fucking assholes these days. God, I hate everyone. And because god hates me, he decides to throw Tyler, the fucking moron, into my path as well.
"What's wrong, Cullen? Still pining over your lost love?" he taunts.
"Seriously, Tyler. Walk the fuck away."
"Or what? You'll go tattle on me?" he asks sarcastically
"No. I'll make my fist collide with your sorry excuse for a face!" I reply in a cold tone.
"Someone has anger issues. Is that what happened with Bella? Did you lash out in front of her and scare her away?"
"That's it, I've fucking had it with you and your bullshit! Keep your mouth shut!" I yell as I slam my hands onto his chest and push him as hard as I can. He balances himself before lunging at me. I step to the side as his hand comes flying towards my face. I laugh at his failed attempt to hit me before making my fist connect with the side of his face. We dance around each other, hitting each other in the face with our fists.
"Edward, stop!" Alice cries.
"Stop being such an idiot!" Rosalie adds.
He lunges at me again and forces us onto the ground. He hits me in the chest a few times while I cover my face with my arms. I grab him by the throat before rolling us over and punching him in the face again.
"You're going to seriously hurt him, Edward, stop!" Alice screams again. I can hear it in her voice that she's crying, but I can't seem to make myself stop.
Tyler continues to throw punches at me, clipping me in the side of the head a few times, but it's not as bad as what I've done to him. I punch him in the nose, hearing the crack of it breaking as blood spurts out everywhere. I hear a student screaming for teachers before someone grabs a hold of my arms and pulls me away. It turns out to be Jasper.
"You need to get the fuck out of here. Now," Emmett says in an annoyed tone.
I shrug out of Jaspers arms and run out of the room, heading straight to my Volvo. I turn on the ignition and speed away. No doubt I'll be suspended when school returns.
As soon as I walk through the door, Carlisle is hot on my ass, yelling at me about needing to be more responsible and that I need to get control of my anger and stop lashing out at people because of my emotions. As soon as he says I'm grounded and asks for my phone and keys to my Volvo, I lose my shit at him.
"Why the fuck for?" I yell.
"Because you just beat a kid to serious injury, Edward! You need to take responsibility for your actions!"
"Why do you have to take the car though? How the fuck am I going to get around?"
"That's the whole point of you being grounded. For you to be unable to go anywhere," he says in a sarcastic tone, stating that what I said was stupid.
"You aren't my father, you can't fucking do this shit!" I hear Esme's shocked intake of breath at what I said and Carlisle's eyes go wide, hurt clear in them. I instantly look away from him.
"I may not be your father by blood, but I'm certainty the closest thing you have to one, so you might want to show me some respect," he says sternly.
I can hear Esme crying in the corner. I glance over at her and my heart constricts at the thought of me making her like that.
"Sorry," I mumble before walking away and up to my room.
I have a quick shower and then crawl into bed even though it's only early. When Jasper comes in to tell me dinner is ready, I tell him I'm not hungry and then roll over, facing away from him. He sighs before walking away and closing the door behind him. I stay in my room for the rest of the night and end up falling asleep, listening to my iPod.
I wake up to music pounding in my ears. I glance at my radio clock to see that it's 11:30AM. I groan in annoyance as I remove the ear buds from my ears. I head downstairs to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Esme watches me carefully before closing the distance between us and wrapping her arms around me. I hug her back and apologize again for how I acted yesterday afternoon. She nods her head and gives me a small smile before she walks out of the kitchen and heads back into her office.
Emmett and Rosalie come in and make some pop-tarts to go. They ignore me the whole time. Jasper and Alice come in next. Jasper nods his head at me in acknowledgment and Alice give me a half hearted smile. I sigh before rinsing my bowl and spoon in the sink. In my peripheral vision, I see Alice's smile fall when I walk out of the room, not saying a word to her or Jasper. And considering I'm grounded, I decide to stay in my room all day.
I watch a few movies and do a few sketches in my art book to pass the time.
Its 4pm by the time Alice comes into my room. I turn off the TV and sit up as she enters the room. She sits down on the end of my bed, looking at me uncertainly.
"Are you angry with me?" She asks quietly.
"Of course not."
"You ignored me this morning."
"Because I thought you were angry at me," I say through a sigh.
"I smiled at you."
"That doesn't mean anything," I scoff.
"Right. Well, what happened when you got home yesterday afternoon?" she asks attentively.
"I got my ass grounded and I was a complete prick again."
"What did he take from you?"
"My fucking Volvo," I mumble, still pissed off that I can't drive anywhere for god only knows how long.
"Ouch," she says through a chuckle.
"So what brings you up here, short stuff?" I tease.
"What you did to Tyler was really scary, Edward."
"I was defending myself."
"You were out of control. I know he mentioned Bella, but –"
"Don't. I don't want to hear her name again," I say pointedly, cutting her off.
"What?" she asks shocked.
"She didn't want me, and she left. She disconnected her number so I'm not wasting my time on her anymore."
"You don't mean that."
I roll my eyes at her before climbing out of bed. I walk over to my desk and pull out my drawer. I gather up all the photographs of Bella and I that I ripped apart and pick them up. I walk over to Alice and place them in her lap.
"Yes, I do," I say seriously.
"Why did you do this?" she asks through a sob.
"Because I'm done! I'm over it!" I yell.
"But you love her! She loves you, I know she does! You can't give up on her."
"Well, I have," I mumble.
"Who are you?" she asks quietly.
"What are you on about? All of you have been on my back about getting over her and moving on! So I finally am, and now you're telling me not to give up on her and questioning who I am? God, what is wrong with you?"
"I never told you to give up on her! I said you need to move on for now, but never to give up on hope for her coming back!" she says, her voice raising an octave as the tears well up in her eyes.
"God, I don't care!" I yell frustrated.
I pick up my lamp and smash it on the ground before punching my fist into the wall. I throw everything off of my desk again as the rage overtakes me.
"Edward, please. Stop," Alice begs through a sob.
"I'm done, okay? Why can't you all just leave me alone?" I yell, picking up my computer chair and throwing it into the ground. I hear Alice squeal and before I know it Jasper has ran into the room and has his arms around me.
"Let me go!" I yell, struggling in his arms. He continues to hold onto me as the sobs begin to escape me. Alice walks out of the room and closes the door behind her as Jasper and I fall to the ground. I collapse into his chest as my body rocks with sobs, tears falling from my eyes.
"I just want to be done with her," I say softly.
"It's okay, man. I know."
I compose myself and untangle myself from Jasper, sitting beside him on the ground next to my bed. I rest my head in my hands and begin to laugh hysterically. I can't believe I am crying. Again. I think I scare Jasper because he jumps when I let out another round of booming laughter. I glance over at him to see him staring at me as though I've lost my mind. Who knows? Maybe I have. I see the corner of his lips twitching as he tries to hold back his laughter. It doesn't last long because before I know it, he's laughing along with me. We take deep breaths and calm ourselves down.
"You'll be okay, you know," he says suddenly.
"What?"
"Eventually you won't feel like shit every time you think of her."
"I highly doubt that," I mumble.
"Well, you won't want to trash your room every time someone brings her up in conversation," he says through a laugh. "I hope," he adds seriously.
I roll my eyes at him before running my hands through my hair.
"I know you're hurting, bro. But it will get better."
"And how do you know?"
"Because I know what it's like to be betrayed by someone you love," he says quietly before adding, "I know it's not the same circumstance you're in, but it's similar. It gets better."
"I fucking hope so because I feel like shit."
"So does everyone else. Everyone is walking on eggshells around you. We all hate seeing you like this. We're watching you fall apart from the seams," he says with concern clear in his voice.
"Maybe I should just move out so you don't have to watch me turn into a complete mess," I joke, my voice muffled by my arm.
"I think we'd rather be able to keep an eye on you," he says seriously.
"Fucking hell, Jazz. It's not like I'm suicidal," I tell him exasperatedly.
"No. But you're definitely a hazard to yourself."
"Whatever."
He gets up off the ground and rolls his eyes at me.
"I'll leave you to your thoughts, then. See you later, bro." He pats me on the shoulder before smirking at me and walking out of the room.
I close my eyes and rest the back of my head against my bed. I let out long sigh before standing up and cleaning up my room. I chuck the broken lamp in my bin and put everything back up on my desk. I notice that Alice left the torn photographs on my bed. I pick them up and throw them in the trash as well. Once I've finished cleaning my room, I head into my bathroom and have a shower, letting the hot water relieve all the built up tension in my body.
I throw on my briefs and climb into bed, letting exhaustion overtake me. Going to bed early, yet again.
On Sunday, Carlisle joins me in the lounge room as I watch a rerun episode of BONES. He sits there quietly and I continue to ignore him. That is, until his gaze begins to feel like it's going to blow up my head. I let out a frustrated sigh before looking over at him and quirking my brow at him,
"What?" I ask a hint of annoyance in my voice.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine," I mumble before looking away from him.
I don't know why everyone has to keep checking up on me. And they wonder why I always end up getting my rage on with the world.
"Edward," he says pointedly. I look at him through my peripheral vision, waiting for him to continue. "You're clearly not fine. I'm a doctor – I know the signs of depression."
"Yeah, well you're wrong. Because I'm fine."
"Why can't you just talk to someone? If not me, maybe Esme? Or I could organize a professional to see you –"
"I'm not seeing a god damn shrink!" I say standing up, my voice rising in volume.
"Please don't raise your voice at me; I'm only trying to help."
"Well I don't need your help! Why can't everyone just leave me the fuck alone?" I yell before storming out of the room.
"You're grounded, Edward. Don't even think about leaving!" Carlisle yells out after me.
"I don't give a shit!" I yell back before walking out of the front door.
I go to grab my car keys to remember that Carlisle took them off of me. I groan in frustration, kicking the dirt on the ground before picking up a rock and throwing it into the bush. I shove my hands in my pockets and continue to keep on walking down the winding track that leads to the main road. My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out to see it's Jasper. I shake my head and let out a sigh before answering.
"What?"
"Hi to you, too," he says through a laugh.
"What do you want, Jasper? I'm not in the mood."
"Carlisle just rang me and told me you stormed out of the house."
"And?" I ask pointedly.
"Well, I know you don't have your keys. So where are you? I'll come pick you up."
"I'm not going back there. I'm too pissed off to deal with Carlisle's shit," I tell him, annoyance thick in my tone.
"We don't have to, man. I'll just come get you. It saves you walking everywhere."
"I really just want to be alone right now, Jazz," I say through a sigh.
"Alright, then. Give me a call when you've finished brooding and I'll come get you," he says seriously.
"Thanks, man," I mumble.
"See ya, Ed."
"Bye."
I put my phone back in my pocket and continue to walk along the road.
I don't know how long it takes for me to reach La Push beach, but as soon as I do, I sit my ass down on an old broken down tree trunk that lays between two trees. I look out at the beach and instantly regret coming here. There are a million different happy couples spending the day here. I rest my head back against the tree and watch the couples, my emotions filled with envy.
I hear the sound of footsteps approaching me. I look up to see that Jacob Black kid that came to our school on his motorbike. I roll my eyes at him after he quirks his brow at me.
"What are you doing here?" he asks.
"What's it to you?"
"You're on my reservation," he says arrogantly.
"You don't own it," I scoff. He rolls his eyes at me before folding his arms across his chest.
"Where's your girlfriend?"
My eyes automatically narrow in his general direction.
"What did you guys break up or something?" he asks smugly.
"What the fuck is it to you? You like her do you? Well fucking good luck trying to find her sorry ass," I say, my voice rising in volume as the anger overtakes me.
"Whoa, calm down, would you? I was only asking. But I'll take that as a yes."
"Pretty much," I mumble before looking away from him and leaning back against the tree.
"Wait, hold up. You said good luck trying to find her, what's that supposed to mean?" he asks confused.
"It means she packed up her shit and moved the fuck away. Obviously." His eyes go wide at my statement. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"Do you know why she left? I mean, was it because you guys had a falling out?" he asks intrigued, which just pisses me off even more.
"Jesus Christ, what are you? The fucking relationship police?" I ask annoyed.
"You're a grouchy fucking troll, aren't you?" he teases, a smirk on his face.
"Would you just fuck off?" I yell, standing up and closing the distance between us. He takes a step back and raises his brow at me.
"Didn't mean to piss you off, dude. Just giving you the opportunity to talk to somebody."
"Why does everyone seem to think I need to talk to somebody?" I ask, frustrated.
"Because you obviously do. Jeez, why are you so pissed?"
"Because I told her I fucking loved her, okay? She said it back, but then she said she doesn't know how she feels. And instead of talking to me about it, she packed up her shit and fucking left without even telling me. So there I was, expecting to see her at school, thinking she only needed a few days of space to work out her shit. But then she doesn't show up. And then on Thursday, I ring her number to find out she's disconnected her damn phone, which is pretty much her telling me to stop calling her and to leave her the fuck alone because she doesn't want anything to do with me!" I say exasperatedly, forgetting to take a breath between sentences.
Jacob doesn't say anything – he stands there, looking at me in shock. He lets out a low whistle before running his hand through his hair.
"Sounds like you need a hit."
"I'm sorry?" I ask through a nervous laugh. I'm not a moron. I know what 'needing a hit' means, but I haven't done that shit since Carlisle caught me. And let me tell you, Carlisle releasing his entire wrath on you is a scary fucking thing. I didn't think twice about stopping.
"Of coke," he says as if it's the most natural thing to be offering someone that.
"I'm not really into that, man."
"What are you worried about? Bella finding out?" He asks sarcastically.
"What?"
"Well, I know she doesn't like that kind of shit."
"Did you not just hear what I told you? She isn't here anymore."
"Exactly," he says with a smirk on his face.
I roll my eyes at him before letting out a sigh. "Fair enough," I say through light laugh.
"You don't have to do it if you don't want to – I'm not pressuring you or anything," he says seriously.
"Whatever. Can we just go?"
"Right-o. My car's just parked up at the look out," he says before turning around and walking away.
I let out a sigh before standing and following after him. He slows down to fall into step with me. It's funny how things turn out. I wanted to punch in his head only a month ago. Now here I am, on my way to his car to go to his house and hit up the coke with him.
Life is fucking weird.
When we get to the look out car park, he walks towards a Red Volkswagen Rabbit. I let out an impressed whistle, causing him to grin at me. On the drive back to his house, my phone doesn't stop ringing. At first it's only Jasper calling, probably to see if I'm ready to come home yet. Then it's Alice calling over and over again. I eventually give in and answer the phone.
"What?" I ask frustrated.
"What are you doing? Where are you?" she asks panicked.
"I'm in La Push. Why are you freaking out?"
"Carlisle told me you walked out of the house. And I have this really bad feeling in my stomach that something is wrong."
"Maybe you have bowel problems," I say teasingly. Jacob snorts with laughter next to me.
"Who's that? Who are you with?" she asks suspiciously.
"Jesus Christ, what is with all the questions?"
"Can you please just come home? I'm really worried about you. Wait – why are you in La Push? Doesn't that Jacob kid Bella knows live there?" she asks confused.
"Yeah, that's who I'm with," I say nonchalantly
"Edward! What are you doing with him? God, no wonder I have this sick feeling in my stomach!" she scolds.
"Like I said, bowel problems. Stop freaking out, okay? I'm fine."
"Edwa–"
I hang up the phone, cutting off her shrieking voice.
"Dude, that was gold," Jacob says as he continues to laugh beside me.
I glance over at him, a smile forming on my lips. I rest my head back against the seat and close my eyes, letting out a sigh as we continue to drive the rest of the way to Jacob's house.
Hey everyone. Sorry for the late update. I've been super busy, and my hotmail has been screwing up, so my Beta didn't get the chapter I sent to her. So i wanna give Jenndur a huge thank you for Beta'ing it as fast as she did.
I'll try my best to keep the updates to once a week but life has been becoming really busy, so i'm sorry if i don't always post a chapter each week. So if you want to know when I'm writing and when I'll be updating next, Follow me on Twitter. My username is Natalee_x
I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Thank you to everyone who have been reviewing and thank you to everyone who have added this story to their alerts and favourites.
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