In the weirdest way, Cal was able to put Gillian in Ria's shoes and view what had happened to him during his accident by observing this tragedy before him. Except, and this made him feel unsettled and flighty inside, who was it that had picked up the pieces for Gillian? He couldn't think of anyone and she had never intimated that there had been someone who called to check up on her, who came around with meals, who told her she didn't have to come in to work, who let her cry on their shoulder. Gillian had those little white pills she had never taken and Casey, who had been good for a few phone calls, and her family had attempted to help her out. But as far as Cal could deduce, it had all been sporadic and she had dealt with the worst of every day by herself.

But then there was Lewis and Gillian talked about having to keep going for their son's sake and so maybe Cal could concede that. So then who did Ria have? Considering he had made himself a solitary person, Cal realised now he spent a lot of time thinking about these kinds of things, that networks of people seemed like a good idea. It was fine being so caught up in his wife and family but if they were gone he'd be screwed. Well he wouldn't because he had Emily but I warranted some thought. Mostly, it was because, on some level, he felt he had let Gillian down by not being around. It wasn't his fault but still... How much worse would it have been if it were not for Lewis?

Gillian was spending a lot of time with Ria. And Cal would get up-date reports at the end of the day. Eli was making an effort to see her too and Cal knew other people from work were making their support known. Cal was always so shit at those things and the first time he'd gone to see her with Gillian and she was in a baggy sweat-shirt that was obviously Karl's, eyes red, hair a mess, the curtains drawn, Cal had almost backed out the door immediately. He didn't deal with death and depression well at all. Especially not when it was so close to home.

PJ

Cal fully believed he had a sixth sense about where Gillian was at any given time of day. He could call when she just got through the door, home or work. When she was pregnant, he could call just after she had woken up from a nap. He just seemed to know. And he could tell when she was about to arrive at work, without having to check the security cameras or listen out for her voice. He got up from his desk, having that feeling that she was nearby, and as he went out into the corridor he was right. She came around the corner, coat over her arm, purse slung over her shoulder. She seemed surprised to see Cal there. He gave her a smile in greeting.

"Hi," she responded, smiling as well, though it was not as genuine as it could be. She brushed past him and he followed her to her office.

"How is she?"

"She's," Gillian sighed, knowing exactly who he was asking after. It had been a few days since the initial news has gone come through about Karl. She put her purse down. "I talked her into having a shower today so that's something. She seems to be coping ok considering."

"You seem... untrusting of that."

"I know she's strong," Gillian turned to hang up her coat. "And I know she deals with things very well."

"But you still expected her to fall apart?" Cal finished, leaning his hip against the edge of her desk. Gillian looked hesitant. "Can't compare her to you."

She gave him an unimpressed expression. "That's not what I meant. Anyone would fall apart if their husband was suddenly shot and died." She paused to take a breath and regain her composure. "I'm just not entirely sure how to help her."

Cal raised a hand to her arm, giving her elbow a squeeze. "You're askin' the wrong man for help."

She attempted a smile.

"Follow your instincts. They're usually right luv. I know you'll find the best way to help her even if it's merely sittin' in the room in silence."

Gillian gave a short nod. "Okay."

"Ok," Cal agreed. He gave her a quick hug, because it helped him as much as it helped her. "You'll work it out," he told her over her shoulder. "You're good at this."

PJ

"I expected to be bawling my eyes out every two minutes."

Gillian looked over at the younger woman. She did have a wad of tissues in her hand but she seemed to just get a bit weepy when Gillian showed up. The tears always dried up quickly. The house was in order again, the curtains open, the smell of cleaning products in the air. Ria had showered and changed her clothes. She had washed and brushed her hair. She was obviously piecing her life back together and Gillian had to admit, it made her a little uneasy because she expected complete chaos.

"We talked about it some. If he got killed doing his job. Maybe that helped?" Ria's dark eyes looked over at Gillian in the arm chair for a second, as if checking she were still in the room.

"Maybe," Gillian agreed. "Preparing for the unexpected takes away some of the sting."

"We were talking about having kids," Ria added. "And now we won't have that," she finished lamely in a small voice.

Gillian sat quietly. This was what she had come to expect. So she just let Ria talk it out if she needed to. Besides, what was she going to add to that statement? Thank God Cal and I had a kid before...

"That really... That he doesn't have a legacy. You know?" Ria looked over at her again, testing the thought.

Gillian nodded. "I understand what you mean."

"I still half expect him to come home," Ria mused.

Gillian knew all too well what that felt like.

They sat in silence for a moment. Listening to traffic on the street, the chirp of birds in the tress; reminding themselves that life went on, even when it felt inside that the world should stop out of respect.

"You don't have to stay," Ria suddenly spoke again.

"I'm here as long as you want me to be," Gillian countered.

"You have your kids."

"Cal has them. It's not a problem. Unless you would like me to leave?" Gillian joked lightly.

"No," Ria answered quietly. "It's nice to just not be alone." And she looked over to the wall again, thinking.

Gillian sat back in her chair, her eyes glancing constantly to the wedding photo on the bookshelf. It could have been her. Five years ago, it could have been her.

PJ

"My granddad died," Owen told Ria, tilting his head back to look up at her.

"I know," she told him softly. "That's really sad."

Owen had on his funeral clothes and Cal was sorry to say, the kid was getting some use out of those shoes too; his 'elf' shoes. Cal put a hand on the four-year-olds shoulder in warning, pulling him back gently. "Owen," he started. He was going to have to explain that death was on that list of things that other people didn't like to talk about much and if he wanted to do so then he should talk to Mum or Dad about it.

"It's ok," Ria told Cal. She crouched down to Owen's level. "Were you sad about your granddad?"

Owen nodded, although he didn't cry at the funeral of his grandfather. He seemed more interested in the proceedings; the strange ritual he had not experienced before. Lewis did cry a bit. Especially when his mother cried. Cal figured he understood a lot more of what was going on around him. That seemed true for many things. Lewis was often watching and taking things in.

"I'm sad too," Ria told Owen. "Could I get a hug? It would help me feel better." Owen nodded and stepped forward with his arms open. Cal let him go, a little bit proud; Gillian caught his eye and gave a tight lipped half smile. They were still at the grave site. The coffin had been lowered and people had drifted away. Gillian had stayed close to Ria's side and the younger woman reached for her hand during the moments she obviously found the hardest. Ria's family was there too but it seemed that just because they had known her the longest, didn't mean they knew her the best. They hung on the fringes, unsure and hesitant and the need to pry reared its ugly head in Cal. He wanted to march on over to them and ask what their problem was. But like he was going to do that to his employee and friend, his family. Not at a funeral.

After Owen hugged her fiercely, Lewis stepped up to do the same without being asked. She thanked them both profusely and Cal noted the way she fought back her sadness. She shouldn't hold it in. He should tell Gillian to tell her that. She had been keeping him loosely informed while she counselled Ria through the week but Cal wasn't sure he should advertise the fact. Felt a bit like a breach of confidentiality.

When the boys stepped away again Ria looked Cal directly in the eye. "I want to come back to work on Monday."

He gave a grim nod. Gillian opened her mouth to protest so he snagged her hand. He'd explain it to her later. Ria was like him, in so many ways, and in this way, she wanted to keep busy, because being at home only reminded her of what was lost. Gillian would understand that wouldn't she? Ria had done her crying and she was dealing and Cal thought her entire process had been healthy. She had been angry and she had grieved and maybe not all of it was out or over with yet, but she was moving forward.

"Come on," Cal took Owen's shoulder again to guide him away and pulled Gillian against him. He could see more family hovering. They were taking up more than their fair share of time.

"You guys are going to be there later right?" Ria looked worried.

"Of course," Gillian responded.

Ria looked relieved. "Cool."