Chapter Thirty One–(Mixed Emotions)
EPOV
I climb into my Volvo and speed away from my house, putting as much distance between Bella and I as possible. I make my way to La Push beach, parking my car recklessly before jumping out and sprinting down to the broken down tree I came across when Bella first left. The message tone on my phone chimes and a frustrated groan escapes me, thinking it's going to be Alice whining in my ear I don't look at it. My message tone goes off a few more times before it eventually begins to ring. Filled with frustration, I pull my phone out of my pocket, not bothering to look at the screen before answering.
"For fuck sake, Alice! Can you leave me alone for five god damn minutes?" I yell into the phone.
"Well, hello to you too, shithead," Jacob says through a chuckle.
"Oh. Sorry, man," I mumble awkwardly.
"It's alright. Had another fight with the midget, have you?"
"Not really. I just thought she'd be pestering me because –" I cut myself off, not knowing whether I should tell him Bella is back or not.
"Because…" he probes.
"Uh, can I come over?" I ask, changing the subject
"Of course you can, man. Is everything okay?" he asks sincerely.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need some advice from someone that's not apart of my family."
"Jeez, thanks. I love you too, Edward," he replies sarcastically.
"You know what I mean. Don't be a dickhead."
"Yeah, yeah. Hurry up and get your ass over here."
"See ya, soon," I reply before hanging up and heading back to my car.
I make my way to Jake's, parking up on the grass of his front lawn. His father, Billy, is sitting on the front porch in his wheelchair.
"Hey, son. How are you?" he greets kindly.
"Hey, Billy. I'm alright, how are you?"
"Same as usual. You here to see Jake?"
"Sure am," I reply, smiling at him kindly.
"He's down in his shed," he replies, returning my smile.
"Thanks, Billy," I reply before walking down the side of the house and down to Jake's shed.
I knock once, not waiting for an answer before entering and flopping myself down on his lounge. He's working on one of his bikes.
"Hey sunshine. What had you in such a lovely mood earlier?" Jake asks sarcastically.
"Bella's back."
"What?" he asks shocked, dropping his wrench. "Fuck, when did that happen? Are you okay?" he adds, picking up his wrench.
"Jesus Christ, Jake, I'm not a fucking girl. I'm not about to break down crying," I reply rolling my eyes.
"That hasn't stopped you before."
"Fuck you!"
"Hey man, no judgment here. I'm just sayin'," he says defensively.
"Right," I mumble, folding my arms across my chest.
"So, what happened?" Jake asks.
"I couldn't handle seeing her, so I walked out of the room. She followed me and apologized for everything. She said she didn't leave because she didn't love me, but she left becauseshe loved me. I mean, what the fuck does that even mean? Seriously?" I ask exasperatedly.
"Maybe she was scared of her feelings or something?"
"She said she never stopped loving me," I mumble quietly.
"Well, you still love her,right?" he asks seriously.
"Yeah. Of course I do, but I'm also still really angry with her though," I reply honestly.
"Have you contemplated actually listening to what she has to say?"
"I will eventually, I'll have to. I just can't deal with it right now. I've finally started to get my shit together and accept that she was gone, but now she's just turned back up and completely changed everything." I run my hands down my face, letting out a heavy sigh. "I don't know what to do. I love her, but every time I see her, I just remember everything that happened and I feel the anger boil up inside of me. I don't like walking away from her and ignoring her, but it's better than blowing up at her, isn't it?"
"Well, to be honest, no. I know you may think you'll look like a pussy doing it, but I think it'd be better to let out all your frustration. It may seem harsh and it'll hurt her at first, but she needs to know how you feel and what you went through when she left."
"When the fuck did you develop a feminine side?" I reply through a groan.
"Whatever, dude, I'm just trying to help," he replies through a chuckle. "Just take it one step at a time. You won't feel any closure until you sort out your shit with her," he adds, raising his brow and looking at me pointedly.
I quirk my brow at him, causing him to roll his eyes and shake his head at me before continuing to work on his bike. I huff in defeat as I lean further back into the couch, folding my arms across my chest.
"What are you doing next weekend?"
"I was thinking about having a party actually. you wanna come?" he asks, glancing over at me before walking over to his mini fridge.
"Yeah. Maybe."
"You'll come," he says through a laugh, opening the fridge and grabbing out two cans of coke. He throws one over to me and I lean forward to catch it.
"Thanks," I say, opening the can and taking a drink. "And fine, I'll come," I add in a mumble. Jake chuckles lightly to himself.
I hang out with Jake for the rest of the day, helping him with his bikes and continuing to talk about Bella, trying to figure out what she meant when she said she left because of her feelings for me. I know everyone dislikes Jake and they think he's a bad seed, but he's actually a really great guy. He's helped me a lot with the whole Bella situation. It's good getting advice from someone who isn't in my family circle. Sometimes getting someone's opinion from the outside is what you need to hear. I end up staying at Jake's pretty late – noticing how dark it's gotten the next time I look outside. I tell him I'll see him next weekend at the party, offering to bring some snacks.
When I get home Em, Jazz and Rose are still in the living room.
"Where have you been all day" Jazz asks as I enter the room.
"I was at Jakes."
"Why were you there?" Emmett asks suspiciously.
"Um, because he's my mate –"
"I honestly don't know why you're friends with him," Em replies through a sigh. I roll my eyes at him.
"Whatever. Where's Alice?" I ask.
"Staying with Bella and Tanya tonight," Jazz says.
"Tanya?" I ask confused.
"That blonde chick that was with Bella," Emmett replies.
"Oh," I reply quietly. I didn't really take notice of anything else when I saw Bella standing in the middle of the room.
"Who cares, she's a bitch," Rose mumbles.
"And you're not?" I quip.
"Excuse me?" she replies in shock.
"You were completely out of line with Bella," I tell her, annoyance clear in my voice.
"Are you fucking serious right now? You're defending her after what she did?" she asks incredulously.
"Babe, everyone deserves a chance to explain themselves," Emmett tells her soothingly. He glances at me, looking at me pointedly.
"Why are you filled with so much rage towards her?" I ask Rose.
"Because," she says, folding her arms across her chest. I stay silent, not breaking my gaze with hers as I wait for her to continue. She lets out a sound cross between a huff and groan. "She hurt you, Edward," she mumbles, leaning into Emmett's chest. He wraps his arms around her waist and plants a kiss on her cheek.
"Look, Rose, I know you mean well, but it's seriously not helping anything at all. I know I was a mess when she left, but I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself."
"It's not just that," she says quietly. I walk over to where she and Emmett are sitting on the couch. I sit down on the coffee table so I'm directly facing her.
"What is it?" I ask softly. She looks up into my eyes and I can see the sadness in them.
"I told her about my past. If her past is part of the reason she did what she did, why couldn't she confide in me?"
"People do impulsive shit when they're filled with fear, Rosie. You know that," Jazz tells her as he sits beside her.
"But what was she so afraid of?" she asks, frustration building up inside of her.
"We don't know, babe," Emmett says softly.
"She said she left because she was scared of her feelings for me," I tell them honestly. All heads snap toward me, their expressions filled with confusion.
Jasper shakes his head before speaking. "It's more than that, though. I can tell."
"Well, we won't know anything until she tells us," Emmett says. I let out a heavy sigh, running my hands down my face.
"I'm going to bed. I'll see you guys in the morning," I tell them as I stand and walk out of the room. I have a quick shower and change into a clean pair of briefs before collapsing onto my bed, my thoughts running a million miles an hour.
I'm watching TV in the living while I eat my lunch when I hear the front door open. Alice walks into the room with Bella and Tanya following behind her. When she notices me, she stops in her tracks.
"Oh. Hi," she greets me nervously. I quirk my brow at her before shaking my head.
"Hey," I reply nonchalantly, turning back to the TV.
All three of them sit down on the empty couch. I glance over at them, catching Bella looking at me a few times. She looks away quickly, blushing furiously. I can't help the smirk that begins to pull up in the corner of my mouth. When she notices, she smiles sheepishly at me before leaning further back into the couch and playing with the bottom of her shirt.
"What are you doing today?" Alice asks softly.
"Alice, why are you being so weird?" I ask through a light laugh.
"Aren't you furious with me?" she asks shocked.
"Why should I be? You're her best friend. You have every right to speak to her – so I've been told," I reply, quirking my brow at her.
"Right," she mumbles.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you, Ali. I shouldn't have done that," I tell her seriously.
"Okay," she says quietly.
"This is Tanya, by the way," Bella says.
"Hey," Tanya greets me, a kind smile on her face.
"Where did you two meet?" I ask.
"California," Tanya replies.
My body tenses at the mention of that state. That's where she was when she sent me that letter.
"Are you okay?" Bella asks softly.
"Yeah. Just, never mind," I mumble.
Alice has a look with Tanya before they both stand. Bella glances over at them, confusion on her face.
"I'm just, uh, gonna show Tanya the house," Alice says quickly before grabbing Tanya's wrist and leading her out of the room.
"Real subtle, Alice," I mumble to myself. I glance over at Bella to see she looks extremely nervous and unsure.
"So what did you do in California?" I ask kindly.
"Oh. Um, I worked with Tanya, at a diner."
"Cool. What diner?"
"The Eclipse. Garrett owns it. I became pretty close with him –"
"Why are you telling me that?" I ask cutting her off, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice.
"It wasn't like that with him at all, Edward. He's like an older brother to me and he has a fiance, who I also became really close with," she says quietly.
"Oh. Sorry," I smile at her apologetically. She looks down at her hands.
"It's okay," she says, smiling sadly at me. "I also sang there," she adds softly.
"Where?" I ask confused.
"The diner, on Friday nights."
"That's great," I reply encouragingly.
"Yeah. I've been writing songs too," she glances back at me, biting her bottom lip. My eyes dart to her lips.
"Edward?" she addresses me hesitantly, causing my eyes to snap back to hers. "When Tanya mentioned California before, you tensed up. Is that because I sent you the letter from there?" she asks quietly.
God, I forgot how fucking perceptive she is. She leans forward and doesn't take her eyes off mine.
"I meant everything I said in that letter, Edward," she says seriously.
"Okay…"
"Do you believe me?" she asks uncertainty.
"Can we not do this right now?"
"Why not? We're alone, we have privacy."
"That doesn't matter. I don't want to go through this right now," I tell her, frustration beginning to boil inside of me.
"I need to explain everything to you. Why won't you let me?" she asks, hurt clear in her voice.
"Because I can't deal with listening to your excuses, okay? You hurt me, Bella! You hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before, and I may sound like a pussy right now, but I don't care. I'm not ready to listen to what you have to say, so just get off my back!" I shout, standing up and walking out of the room.
"Edward, please," she begs, her voice breaking with sadness. "I hate that we're like this. I want to fix it," she adds as she begins to sob quietly.
I stop walking and turn around to face her. Tears are falling down her cheeks and it takes all the strength that I have not to close the distance between us and wrap her up in my arms.
"I'm not ready, Bella," I tell her quietly. She wraps her arms around herself and I can't take seeing her like this anymore. I finally close the distance between us. She looks up into my eyes as I cup her face in my hands, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. "I need time," I add in a whisper, removing my hands from her face.
She nods her head in acknowledgment, "Okay," she replies softly, sniffing and wiping her face afterwards.
I turn my back on her and walk away, heading up to my room.
"Yo, Eddie!" Jasper calls out to me as I walk past his bedroom.
I take a few steps backwards so I'm in front of his door.
"Yeah?"
"Come in for a minute."
"Okay…" I reply hesitantly, stepping inside his room and closing the door behind me. "What's up?" I ask.
"Were you shouting not long ago?" he asks, looking at me pointedly.
"Uh, maybe?" I reply, indicating the word as a question.
"Bella's here, isn't she?"
"How do you –"
"Ali texted me, told me she was coming over with Bells and Tanya."
"Right," I mumble.
"Then she sent me another text a minute ago, telling me she dragged Tanya away to leave you and Bella alone," he says, quirking his brow at me. "And that she heard yelling, then found Bella alone in the middle of the living room crying."
I run my hands down my face before sitting down in the couch he has in his room.
"Why did you call me in here, Jazz?"
"Do you want to tell me what all the yelling was about and why Bella was crying?" he asks seriously.
"We were talking about what she got up to in California."
"You didn't blow up at her, did you?" he asks through a groan.
"No. I was perfectly nice and listened to her, but then she bought up the letter she sent me…"
"And that's when you lost it?" he asks attentively.
"Yeah," I reply quietly. "Then she started crying and apologizing and I felt so bad, I couldn't take it anymore, so I went up to her and held her face in my hands and wiped her tears away. I told her I need time, then I came up here and now I'm talking to you," I add through a heavy sigh.
"Look, I know you're hurting, but this isn't you, man. You're better than this. How do you think your mom would feel if she saw you treating a girl like this?"
"That's fucking low, Jasper."
"It's the only thing that makes you listen. You need to get your shit together. I've always been there whenever you needed me, or have you forgotten that?" he asks seriously. "I know we aren't blood, but you're my brother, Ed. I hate seeing you like this, everyone does."
"I don't know what to do. Every time I see her, all those feelings from when she left come flooding back and it's like a bullet has been shot through my chest," I reply, letting my head fall into my hands.
"But you can't just avoid everything that's happened, you need to face it. Believe it or not, bro, but Bella has actually done a pretty brave thing by coming back here after leaving like she did."
"How can you just welcome her back so willingly after what she did?" I ask, looking up to meet his gaze. He smiles at me sadly before letting out a sigh. "I need to know. I love her, I do. But I don't know If I'll ever be able to trust her again. How can you guys trust her?" I add sadly.
"Ed, we don't trust her one hundred percent yet. She's gonna have to earn our trust back, and I think she knows that. We're just glad she's okay and that she's back," he says soothingly.
"Does Alice feel like that? She seems to have forgiven her," I murmur.
"You know what Alice is like and you know how hurt she was when Bella left," Jazz says. "She forgives easily, but she doesn't forget. What Bella did is always going to be in the back of her mind. Don't worry about it, she'll tell Bella how she feels eventually. I think she's just scared Bella might run off again," he adds sincerely.
"Right," I murmur.
"Look, she knows what she did was wrong, bro. She's trying to fix what she's broken," he says reassuringly.
"I know," I reply, letting out a sigh as run my hands through my hair and look back up at him. "I just need time, Jazz."
"Fair enough. I just hope you don't bottle up everything inside of you and then end up lashing out at her."
"I'd never do that," I tell him seriously.
"Because you love her."
"Thanks, Captain Obvious," I mumble. "Are we done here?" I ask.
"Yep. You know I'm here if you need to talk about anything."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks Jazz," I reply, standing up out of the chair and walking out of his room.
I head back to my room and collapse onto my bed. I glance at my bedside table to see the light on my phone flashing, indicating I have a missed call. I reach over to grab it and then unlock it. I roll my eyes, letting out a frustrated groan as I see the missed call is from Alice, along with five text messages. I go into my inbox and read the messages.
Be nice to Bella, Edward!
- A
Why can I hear yelling?
You better not be yelling at her!
- A
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, EDWARD?
Why have I found her in the middle of the room crying?
- A
God, I cannot believe you! You are such a jerk!
Why didn't you listen to her?
- A
You are so frustrating!
When I get my hands on you,
my wrath is going to make grizzly bears look like Bambi!
- A
I roll my eyes, laughing lightly to myself as I type my reply.
Don't be mad at me, Ali. Iapologizedto her, okay?
I didn't mean to snap at her, I just couldn't deal with what she was saying.
I'll talk to her eventually,but like I've told everyone else, I just need time.
Love you,little sis xx
- E
I put my phone on charge before changing into a clean pair of briefs and climbing back into bed.
"Tan we tik da bawl aroun, Ed?" Riley asks as we sit down on the picnic blanket.
Today was my day to take Vicki and Riley out for the day. I called into the hospital early in the morning so I could get them out of there for as long as possible. I always remember hating the hospital every time I had to stay in there when I was sick, and because of their illnesses, I can't imagine how lonely and cooped up they may feel sometimes.
I smile at Riley before picking up the ball and standing up.
"Of course we can, kiddo," I reply before looking to Vicki. "You wanna play too, Vicki?" I ask kindly.
"Okaaay," she replies unenthusiastically, causing me to laugh lightly to myself.
"You don't have to if you don't want to, honey."
"No, it's fine. But can we fly the kites afterwards?"
"Uh, yeah, sure. But I'm not gonna lie, I kind of really suck at flying kites," I tell her honestly.
"That's okay. I can teach you!" she replies, excitement in her voice.
"Well, okay then. That's a deal," I reply through a chuckle.
I walk about five meters from the picnic blanket, to give us some space to kick the ball. I place the ball on the ground as I wait for Riley and Vicki to stand in a spot they're comfortable with.
"Okay, are you ready?' I ask.
"Yep!" Riley yells.
"Bring it on!" Vicki says enthusiastically.
I kick the ball to Riley and he stops it with his foot before kicking it back to me. I kick it to Vicki lightly, not wanting to put too much force behind it. It slows down when it gets closer to her and slowly rolls the rest of the distance to her.
"What was that?" she asks through a laugh.
"What do you mean?" I ask with a smile on my face.
"That was a pansy kick!" she replies, still laughing lightly to herself.
"I didn't want to kick it too hard…"
"Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean you have to go easy on me," she says seriously.
I raise my hands, palms up in front of me, in a sign of defense. "Wow, calm down," I reply, chuckling lightly.
Vicki rolls her eyes at me before positioning the ball in front of her. She dribbles it a few steps forward before kicking it, full force into my direction. My eyes go wide in shock for a split second before I compose myself to stop the ball. I glance over at Vicki to see that she has a grin planted on her face, which just causes a smile to also form on my lips before I burst into laughter.
"You're gonna get it now," I tease.
"Oh, yeah? Bring it on mister!" she exclaims through her laughs.
I dribble the ball in front of me – just like she did – before getting my foot under the ball and kicking it towards her. It goes flying up into the air, off to the side so she has to run for it. The grin doesn't fall from her face as she runs to the side to meet the ball. She looks up into the air as the ball begins to make its way lower to the earth. She raises her leg, the ball landing on her thigh before it falls to the ground. She places her foot on top of the ball to stop it from rolling away. She looks up at me with a smug smile on her face.
"Was that good enough for you?" I joke.
"Meh. It was okay," she replies nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders with a small smile pulling at the corner of her mouth.
"You ready, Riles?" she asks, turning to face him. His eyes go wide with shock and I think I see a hint of fear in his eyes. Vicki must notice it too, because she smiles warmly at him. "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you," she adds sweetly.
"Okay," he says quietly, returning her smile before nodding his head at her. Vicki kicks the ball softly in his direction. He runs forward to meet it and stops it with his foot again. He kicks it back to her, and she back to him a few more times.
"Oi! Am I invisible or something?" I joke.
"Did you hear something, Riley?" Vicki quips, causing Riley to laugh.
"No, did you?" he asks.
"Hey. No fair, Vicki! You can't turn my little man on me," I reply, pouting at her.
"Too late! He's my little man now. Aren't ya, Riles?" she replies through a giggle.
"Riley. You're not gonna turn on me, are you?" I ask, mock shock laced in my voice.
"Nahhhh," he replies through a giggle before running towards me. I run towards him as well, closing the distance between us and picking him up. He continues to giggle hysterically as I lift him up in the air above my head and spin him around.
"Hey!" Vicki calls out to us.
At the sounds of Vicki's yell, I stop spinning Riley around and place him on my left hip as I keep hold of him.
"Riley's my man, through and through," I tell Vicki, looking over at her. She rolls her eyes at me so I look back to Riley. "Aren't ya, bud?" I ask him.
"Yep!" he exclaims cheerfully.
"What about me?" Vicki asks quietly.
"Well, last time I noticed, you're a girl," I joke.
"Oh," she mumbles sadly.
I keep my eyes on her and when she looks up at me and meets my gaze, I instantly feel horrible. I can see the hurt and rejection clear in her eyes. I smile softly at her before walking over to her, placing Riley on the ground as I kneel down to her level.
"Do you want to know something?" I ask her sweetly.
"What?" she replies quietly.
"Riley may be my little man, but you're my little girl," I tell her kindly.
"Really?" she asks hesitantly. I smile softly at her when she looks up at me.
"Yeah. And do you want to know what else?"
"Okay…"
"You're always gonna be the most important girl in my life now," I tell her honestly, my voice soft. "Next to my mother and sisters, of course," I add through a laugh.
"You mean it?" she asks timidly.
"Always. Now give me a hug," I reply, opening my arms out to her. She smiles brightly at me before leaning in and wrapping her arms around my neck, holding me tightly. I smile as I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her back. Riley leans forward, wrapping both of his arms around Vicki and I.
"Are we a famy?" he asks as he stops hugging us. Vicki pulls away too and sits on my knees.
"A family?" I ask, just to clarify that's what he meant. He nods his head before looking down at his hands.
"Well, there are all sorts of families. And I'm your big brother, so I guess we are."
Riley's timid smiles turns into a full blown grin before he wraps his arms back around my neck like Vicki did. I laugh lightly to myself before hugging him back.
"Okay, do you want to fly the kites now?" I ask
"We don't really have too. The wind isn't very good anymore," Vicki replies, climbing off my knees and standing up.
"Are you sure? We can still try?" I ask again.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Can we do it next time though?" she asks cheerfully.
"Of course we can," I reply, smiling down at her.
We head back over to the picnic blanket and sit down. I pull out the tupperware container that has cheese and crackers in it. I place them on a small paper plate before placing it in front of us. Riley stands up and walks over and sits down next to me. We eat together in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Vicki speaks.
"Eddie?" she addresses me quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Have you heard about the fair that's coming here?" she asks curiously.
"I've heard a bit about it. Why's that?" I ask kindly.
"Well, Mom was talking about it, but she said she can't take me because she has to work," she says sadly, glancing over at me.
I can see the silent question in her eyes – she wants me to take her.
"I can take you, if you want?" I tell her kindly.
"Really?" she asks excitedly.
"We'll have to talk to your mom and the hospital about it, though," I reply.
"They probably won't let me go," she mumbles sadly.
"You never know, sweetie. Don't jump to conclusions," I reassure her. "I'll have a talk to them," I add, smiling at her.
"Okay…" she replies quietly. "Thank you!" she exclaims. She stands and runs over to me, jumping into my lap. She wraps her arm around my neck and hugs me tightly. I return the gesture and pat her back soothingly. She pulls away and looks up at me, a grin on her face.
"Can I come too?" Riley asks quietly.
"Of course you can," I reply, looking down at him and smiling. His face automatically lights up before he jumps in my lap as well.
When I drop Vicki and Riley back at the hospital, I have a talk with Carlisle about taking Vicki and Riley to the fair. He told me it should be fine as long as Vicki's parents and Riley's social workers agree. He said he'd talk to Riley's social workers and put in a good word for me. I asked to go with him though, so I look at least some part responsible and determined to take Riley. On my way out of Vicki's hospital wing, I noticed her mother – I knew it was her because Vicki looks so much like her.
"Mrs. Damon?" I address her. I smile politely when she turns around to face me. "Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. I'm in the Big Brother program here at the hospital," I add kindly.
"Oh. Hi Edward," she greets me with a kind smile. "Vicki has mentioned you a lot. Thank you so much for being so sweet to her. I can't tell you how much it means to me."
"Oh. That's okay, she's a very sweet girl."
"Her fath- her father would be so very grateful for what you're doing," she replies softly, her voice beginning to break with sadness.
"Thank you. I'm really sorry about your loss, Mrs. Damon," I tell her kindly, resting my hand on her arm.
"Me too, Edward. Me too," she replies, looking up into my eyes and smiling at me sadly. "Anyway, what can I help you with?" she asks.
"Vicki was telling me about the fair was coming in, and how you can't take her because you're working."
"Yes, the fair. I feel so horrible. She was so excited about going."
"Well, I hope I'm not out of place, but I actually told her I would take her – if it was okay with you and the hospital."
"Oh. Really?" she asks shocked.
"Yeah. She just seemed so upset about not being able to go. And I do see her as my own little sister now," I tell her honestly.
"Wow. Edward, that's so…" she stops talking, her voice becoming thick with emotion. Her eyes begin to water before she closes the distance between us and embraces me in a hug. I return the gesture, rubbing her back soothingly. "That would be wonderful, thank you," she adds in a whisper before stepping out of the embrace and smiling at me sheepishly.
"You're welcome," I reply softly.
"I'll go tell Vicki the good news. It was so nice meeting you, Edward," she says politely, placing her palm on my cheek. "And thank you again," she adds before removing her hand and walking down toward Vicki's ward.
On the way home, I stopped at La Push beach. I walk down the beach, to my spot with the tree that has a thick broken branch laying across another tree. I sit down on the branch, my back and head resting on the tree.
"Hey, Eddie," Jacob's cheerful voice greets me. I look up to meet his gaze before he sits down next to me.
"Hey, man. What's up?"
"Not much, not much. Life is pretty boring these days without Lauren to entertain me."
"Argh, you're better off without her, dude. What did you even see in her? She's disgusting," I tell him, a shiver of disgust running through my body.
"She was a bit of a skank, wasn't she?" he snickers.
"That's an understatement," I mumble.
"Anyway, what about you? How was your day?" he asks, changing the subject.
"Took Vicki and Riley out on a picnic," I reply, a smile automatically forming on my lips.
"Oh, yeah? That seems like it went pretty good. What did you guys do for entertainment?"
"We kicked the soccer ball around. I'm tellin' you now, Vicki is not afraid to kick a guys ass."
He laughs lightly beside me. "She sounds like she's gonna be feisty when she's older."
"What do you mean goingto be? She already is," I reply through a chuckle.
"So is that all you did today?"
"Pretty much. It got a bit emotional for a few minutes. I don't know what it is, but I love those two kids like they're my own siblings."
"That doesn't really surprise me, you have a huge heart, Ed," he says kindly.
"Thanks man," I reply quietly. "I'm taking them to the fair in a few weeks, you should come meet them and shit," I add.
"Sounds great," he replies enthusiastically. "So, have you spoken to Bella lately?" he asks.
"Uh, no. Not since she was at my house last."
"Duuuude. You need to fix shit with her," he tells me seriously.
"I know, I know. I just, every time I see her I feel like I'm dreaming and feel as though she's not really there."
"That's why you need to actually speakto her and sort out your drama," he says with a roll of his eyes. I shake my head, looking at him with an expression of exhaustion and slight amusement.
"And here's your chance."
"What? I ask confused. He nods his forward, signaling for me to follow the direction of his gaze. I look away from him to see Bella walking down the beach toward us, hesitance clear in her posture.
"Hey stranger," Jacob greets her cheerfully when she reaches us.
"Hi," she replies uncomfortably.
"Where have you been? Haven't seen you around in a while," Jacob inquiries.
"Why are you talking to me as if we're friends?" she asks confused, causing me to laugh lightly.
"Any friend of Edward's is a friend of mine," he replies confidently.
"And you two are friends?" she asks suspiciously.
"Yep," I reply, popping the P in emphasis.
"Right," she mumbles, breaking our gaze and looking down at her hands.
"Well, I'll just be going then," Jacob says not-so-elusively as he stands. "You still coming to the party this weekend?" he asks me.
"Yeah, I'll be there."
"Cool. I'll see you later, man," he replies, slapping me on the back before facing Bella. "See ya, Bella. Nice seeing you again."
"Uh. Yeah. Bye," she replies awkwardly as he walks away. She turns to face me, smiling sheepishly.
"Sit down," I tell her kindly, gesturing to the branch.
"I used to come here all the time when I was little," she says as she sits down next to me.
"This is exact spot?" I ask intrigued.
"Yeah," she replies quietly, the corners of her mouth turning up into a small smile.
"It's beautiful here," I reply, letting out a content sigh as I close my eyes and rest my head back on the tree.
"How was your day?" she asks softly.
"Good. I took Vicki and Riley out today," I tell her before realizing she probably has no idea what I'm talking about. "They're the kids from the hospital that I'm a Big Brother to," I add, glancing over at her. She looks up at me and smiles brightly at me.
"Alice told me about that. That's really great, Edward," she says quietly.
"It was Jessica's idea, actually. She said if I focus on children in need then it'll be harder to dwell on my own problems," I reply, my voice quiet. She looks away from me and stays quiet. Her facial expression forming into a mixture of confusion, hurt and anger.
"Jessica? As in Jessica Stanley?" she asks softly, her lips pressed together.
"Yeah."
"Since when do you talk to her?" she asks, accusation clear in her voice.
"Since she became a pretty good friend after you left," I reply icily, not meaning to sound so harsh towards her.
"Right," she mumbles. "So you're pretty good friends with her then?" she asks.
"Look, I know you two had your problems, but she's changed. She isn't friends with Lauren anymore."
"So you're best buds with her now just because she isn't friends with Lauren anymore?"
"Bella, there's a lot you don't know about Jessica, okay? She isn't a bad person. She was only friends with Lauren because she was scared of her and she didn't have you as a friend anymore," I reply, frustration building up inside of me. "I shouldn't have to explain myself to you anyway. You don't get a say in who I can be friends with," I add, annoyance clear in my tone.
"Ouch," she replies, hurt clear in her voice.
I let out a frustrated groan, running my hands through my hair before meeting her gaze. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound that horrible," I mumble.
"It's okay. I deserve it," she replies quietly, her voice thick with sadness.
"Bella…"
"Edward, don't. I understand, okay?" she says quietly before looking up and meeting my gaze. "I really am sorry for what I did. You know I still love you, right?" she adds quietly.
"I know," I murmur.
"I know you love me too, because I heard what you said to Alice. But I also know that I hurt you horribly and you may never be able to forgive me," she says, her voice barely audible. "And I hope one day you'll let me explain why I did what I did –"
"Bella, please…" I cut her off.
"Edward, please just let me finish," she says quietly. "I hope one day you will forgive me. But if you don't, I hope we can still be friends. Because I'd rather be friends with you than not have you at all," she adds, her voice beginning to break with emotion.
"I know we need to talk and sort out our shit, but I'm really just not ready right now, Bella," I tell her honestly.
She nods her head and lets out a heavy sigh. "I'll just go then," she says, her voice filled with sadness as she stands to leave.
I grab her wrist before she walks away, sliding my hand into hers. "I do love you," I tell her gently.
She closes the distance between us and places her right hand on the right side of my face, rubbing her thumb across my cheek. "I know," she replies, her voice finally breaking.
I look up at to see a tear fall down her cheek. She wipes it away quickly before smiling at me sadly and removing her hand from my cheek. I squeeze her hand lightly as she takes a step back, putting distance between us. I let her hand go completely, as I watch her walk away.
On Wednesday, Carlisle calls me into his office in the afternoon. I approach his office hesitantly, unable to remember if I've done anything to get me in trouble. I knock lightly on his door and wait anxiously for his reply.
"Come in," he calls.
"Hey. You wanted to see me?" I ask cautiously. He looks up at me from his desk and quirks his brow at me. "Am I in trouble? I can't think of doing anything to bein trouble, but with you I never know," I add in a rush.
"Calm down, Edward. You're not in trouble," he replies, rolling his eyes at me. "Take a seat," he adds, gesturing to his over expensive, shrink looking chair.
"What is it then?" I ask suspiciously as I sit down.
"I've pulled some strings and got you enrolled back in school –"
"But I have a job now, I can't just leave those kids, Dad. They're like my own little brother and sister now," I reply quietly. I glance over at him to see the corners of his lips turning up into a smile. No doubt because I called him 'Dad' again.
"You can still spend time with them – you'll just have to do it after school," he says apologetically. "I want you to have an education, Edward," he adds seriously.
"I get that, but how am I meant to take Riley and Vicki to places after school? I can't take them anywhere at night, there's nothing to do!"
"Well, maybe I can ask the school to give you a day off school a week to keep your Big Brother commitments? It'll be pushing it because you're meant to be suspended," he says, looking at me pointedly, not letting me forget my mistakes. "But I'm sure they'll be okay with it, considering you're making sick kids lives more pleasant," he adds, letting out a heavy a sigh.
"And what if they're not okay with it?" I ask nervously.
"Don't worry about it, Edward. I'll deal with it," he replies, giving me a reassuring smile. "Anyway, how are things with you? Have you spoken to Bella?" he asks curiously.
"Yeah, we've talked…"
"And?" he probes.
"And nothing – I'm just not ready to have thattalk with her yet."
"Do you still love her?"
"Yes."
"Does she know that?"
"She knows I still love her."
"Is that going to be enough for you in the end?" he asks, quirking his brow at me.
"I don't know… Can we not talk about this right now?"
"I'm just trying to help," he says genuinely.
"I know," I reply, letting out a sigh. "Thanks for the whole getting me back in school thing," I mumble as I get up out of the chair. Carlisle walks around his desk and over to me.
"No problem, son. Go get ready for school," he says before slapping me on the shoulder and walking out of his office.
I have Biology for my first hour and I'm already late. Just great.
When I reach the classroom door, I peek through the window to see Bella sitting at our usual table. She's scribbling in her book, her hair surrounding her face as some sort of shield. Mike leans forward in his seat and inches closer towards her, causing my blood to boil with rage. He whispers something so only she can hear, causing her to visibly tense. I grind my teeth together and close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to get myself under control before I enter the room.
When I enter the room, I keep my eyes on Bella as I make my way straight to Mr. Banner's desk, watching Mike continue to disturb Bella. I hand Mr. Banner my behavior slip that the principal insisted I have.
"Mr. Cullen, it's so nice to have you back," he greets me kindly.
Bella's head snaps up at the mention of my name, her eyes locking with mine. I see her sharp in take of breath, the shock clear on her face.
I tear my eyes away from her to look at Mr. Banner. "Thanks, Sir," I reply kindly.
Bella's expression is still filled with shock when I look back at her. She composes herself quickly as the blush creeps into her cheeks. I feel my lips turn up into my crooked smile as I walk over to our desk.
"Hey," I greet her kindly. I glance over at Mike to see his expression is filled with annoyance. I quirk my brow at him before narrowing my eyes in his direction.
"Are you right there, shithead?" I taunt.
"Whatever," he mumbles, leaning further back into his seat.
"That's what I thought," I reply smugly before sitting down next to Bella.
"I thought you were suspended?" she asks, shock clear in her tone.
"Carlisle pulled some strings. You know what he's like," I tell her.
"Oh. Are you not happy?" she asks seriously, causing me to laugh lightly.
"I'm not the biggest fan of school, or the people in it," I mumble.
"Right. I understand," she says quietly, her expression turning to disappointment.
"Jesus, I didn't mean you, Bella." I groan.
"Oh."
"I'm just worried about Riley and Vicki. I mean, I can't be a Big Brother to them when I'm in school, can I?" I ask, annoyance clear in my voice.
"What are you going to do?" she asks concerned.
"Carlisle's going to see if the school will allow me to have one day off a week."
"Well, that's good then," she says cheerfully.
"Yeah," I reply contently.
She smiles sheepishly before biting her lip and looking away. She continues to write down notes from the lesson, occasionally drawing random patterns on other pages. When she stops drawing, she begins to drum her fingers on top of the table. She always did that when she was becoming nervous. I place my hand on top of hers, flattening it to the table. She slowly turns her head towards me, her eyes locking with mine as she smiles sheepishly and bites her bottom lip again. I squeeze her hand lightly and smile back at her before removing it. She smiles at me again, but this time it's with sadness and a hidden apology. She can't hide the disappointment in her eyes, though.
My heart constricts in my chest at the sight when It finally starts to dawn on me, how much I've missed her.
The rest of my classes were boring as fucking shit and just reminded me of how much I hated school and where all of my rage with the world came from. Jasper stayed quiet next to me in English, but Emmett being the annoying nosy fuck he is, kept annoying me in Trig.
"So, you saw Bella in Biology, yeah?" he asks suspiciously.
"Obviously."
"Well, did you speak to her?"
"Yes, you nosy prick, I did," I reply, irritated.
"You were nice to her right?"
"No, Emmett. I was a complete asshole – I made her run out of the room crying and everything."
He doesn't say anything after that, so I glance over at him. His expression is a mixture between horror and rage and before I know it, he's punching me in the arm with as much force as he can muster.
"Owe! Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I exclaim, rubbing my arm.
"Mr. Cullen," Mr. Berty calls on me sternly.
"I can't believe you sometimes, man," Emmett says angrily. "Why are you such a prick to her?" he whispers.
"I was only kidding," I reply back, just as angry. I look away from him, completely pissed off. Which turns out to be a bad idea because it just earns me another blow to the arm.
"Why would you joke about that?" he hisses under his breath.
"FUCK! EMMETT, ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL?" I shout, making the chair squeak across the floor as I stand up.
"Edward Cullen! That is extremely inappropriate! I don't want to hear another word from you, do you hear me?"
"But sir, he keeps hitting me!" I complain.
"Then put your hand up and ask to be moved to another seat!" Mr. Berty scolds me.
"Sit down, Edward," Emmett says seriously.
"Fuck you!" I whisper angrily. I sit back down, putting as much distance between us as possible and not paying attention to him for the rest of the lesson.
Rose, Emmett, Bella, Alice and Jasper are already at the lunch table when I arrive in the cafeteria. Someone must mention me at the table because Bella's head turns towards me as I make my way over. I smile at her and she returns the gesture before turning back to Alice and continuing their conversation. There are two empty seats available. One next to Bella or one next to Rosalie. Not wanting to seem like a prick and not wanting to be near Rosalie or my shithead of a cousin. I sit down next to Bella. She looks back at me and smiles sheepishly, causing Rosalie to let out an annoyed groan. I look in her direction, giving her my infamous glare before turning back to Bella.
"Hey, how were the rest of your classes?" she asks quietly.
"Shit, as per usual. What about you?"
"They were alright, I guess," she replies nonchalantly, shrugging her shoulders.
"Edward!" I hear Jessica exclaim excitedly, causing Bella to visibly tense up. "I didn't know you were back!" she adds, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me from behind.
When I glance at Bella, I can see the pain in her eyes. I smile apologetically at her.
I pat Jess's arms that are wound around my neck before turning my head to smile politely at her.
"Hey, Jess."
"How have you been?" she asks, unwinding her arms from around my neck before sitting down in the chair next to Rosalie. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forev–oh. Hi, Bella," she says, cutting herself off.
Wow. You can actually feelthe tension.
"Hi," Bella replies curtly.
"Haven't seen you in a while either," Jessica quips.
"Yeah, well, I'm back now," Bella replies just as icily.
"Why did you run off anyway?" Jess taunts.
"I don't think that's any of your business," Bella replies, shock clear in her voice.
"You hurt alot of people," Jessica replies.
"Yeah. And I'll have to live with those consequences for the rest of my life. But I'm here to fix my mistakes," Bella says seriously.
"You can't just come back here and fix things like they're a broken ornament. Life doesn't work like that, Bella," Jessica says, anger creeping into her voice.
"Jess," I address her sternly since no one else seems willing to step in between them.
I glance at Alice – she looks completely shocked and uncomfortable. Jasper is watching everyone carefully, probably to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Emmett looks weary as he continues to glance at Bella to see if she's doing okay and Rosalie being the bitch she is, has an annoying amused expression on her face.
"What? Why are you defending her after what she did?" she asks, annoyed.
"That's between me and her, Jess. You shouldn't be acting like this," I reply honestly.
"You're not the only one she hurt, Edward! She hurt me before you even moved here!" she exclaims, her voice beginning to break.
"You know I can still hear you, right?" Bella chimes in, exasperation clear in her voice.
"Bella, don't," I say under my breath before looking back at Jessica. "I know you're upset, but you're getting all worked up over nothing. You need to talk to Bellaabout what happened back then," I tell her soothingly.
"She can't keep getting away with this shit!" she replies, her voice finally breaking as tears form in her eyes.
"Jess, don't be silly. Calm down," I reply calmly.
"She can't help it. It's habit by now," Bella scoffs.
"Bella, shut up!" Jessica shouts, standing up out of her seat.
"Shut up yourself, Jessica!" Bella yells back, also standing up.
"Listen to you two, quarrelling like an old married couple," Emmett jokes through a laugh.
"Why don't you run along and play with your car parts?" Jessica snaps back at him.
"Meow. Someone's feisty," Emmett responds, forming his hand into a cat paw clawing at the air.
"Shut it, Emmett," Rosalie scolds him before slapping him on the thigh.
"Whatever, I'm going," Jessica says quietly before picking up her bag.
"So am I," Bella says angrily, also picking up her bag.
I watch in bewilderment as both of them storm off in opposite directions of the cafeteria.
I call into the hospital on the way home from school. I organize to have Vicki and Riley meet in a private room so I can talk to them at the same time. They enter the room looking nervous and hesitant.
"Hey guys," I greet them kindly.
"What's wrong?" Vicki asks suspiciously.
"What do you mean?" I ask indifferently.
"Something's going on. I can tell," she says seriously.
"I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm back at school now."
"Does dat meen you won't see us no more?" Riley asks sadly.
"No, of course not. It just means I won't see you guys as much as I do now," I reassure them. "We're still gonna do stuff together. I get one day off school a week to come see you guys. And I'm still taking you guys to the fair," I add enthusiastically.
"Promise?" Riley asks.
"I promise," I reply, smiling at both of them.
"Okay then," Vicki replies happily. "But you've had a bad day, I can tell." she adds seriously.
"It wasn't bad, per say. Just stressful," I reply nonchalantly.
"Are you been pickt on?" Riley asks sympathetically. I laugh lightly as a smile forms on my lips.
"No, Riley. I'm not being picked on," I reassure him.
"It's girl troubles, isn't it?" Vicki asks, placing her hand on my shoulder.
"You're too perceptive for your own good," I tell her earnestly. She smiles at me and shrugs her shoulders.
"It'll be okay, Eddie. If you love her and she loves you, you'll work everything out," she replies soothingly, smiling at me sweetly.
"You're an angel, do you know that?" I tell her in awe. Her small smile turns into a grin and I pull her into my arms for a hug. "Thanks, Vicki," I whisper in her ear before letting her go.
"I should probably be off. I'll come see you next week," I tell them, ruffling up Riley's hair as I walk past him and out of the room.
Bella and Tanya are in the living room with Alice when I get home. I head towards them and sit down on the empty couch. I glance over at Bella to see that she's avoiding eye contact with me. which is odd.
"Something wrong, Bella?" I ask her straightforwardly.
"Huh? What?" she asks taken aback, spinning around to face me.
"You're acting weird," I tell her honestly.
"Oh. Um. I thought you were mad at me."
"Why would I be mad at you?" I ask confused.
"See, I told you he wasn't mad at you!" Alice says exasperatedly, throwing her arms in the air for emphasis.
"Whywould I be mad?" I ask, still confused.
"Because of what happened with Jessica today," Bella replies, her tone insinuating that I should already know the answer.
"That's between you two – it had nothing to do with me."
"Well, she seemed pretty pissed off about what I did to you," she mumbles.
"That's because we're friends," I reply, shaking my head at her.
"Right. Friends."
"Are you trying to imply something, Bella?" I ask pointedly, folding my arm across my chest.
"Who me? Of course not," she replies sarcastically.
"If you've got a problem, voice it," I tell her seriously.
"I don't have a problem. I just didn't realize how close you and Jessica were," she replies coolly.
"God, jealous much?" I scoff, shaking my head in amusement.
"Of course I'm jealous, Edward! I love you and you say you love me, but you act closer to my enemy than what you do with me!" she exclaims, standing up from the couch.
"Jessia isn't your enemy! You left me, Bella, I can't just act as though nothing ever happened just because you're back!" I shout back, standing up as well.
"What do you expect from me?" she exclaims, tears running down her face. "I've tried telling you how I feel. I've tried explaining why I did what I did, but you won't hear any of it!" she adds, walking towards me.
"Guys, guys, guys! I think we all need to take a breath and calm down," Tanya says gently.
"I'm with Tanya," Alice agrees.
"I'm not ready. I told you I need time," I tell Bella softly.
"Well, I don't know what else I'm meant to do! I don't know how to act around you anymore. I don't know when you're angry with me. I don't know what to say to you because what I want to say, you wont let me say it," she replies sadly, her voice breaking as she sobs quietly. "I'd give you my world if I could, but how can I if you won't take it from me?" she adds, closing her eyes.
"Why did everything turn around so badly for us?" I ask, my voice just as quiet.
"Everything's waiting for you. You just have to listen," she replies, opening her eyes and staring into mine.
"I can't…" I reply hesitantly.
"I love you," she whispers.
"Bella…"
"I love you," she says determinedly. I look around the room to notice that Alice and Tanya have snuck out to leave us alone again.
"How can I fix things between us if you won't let me?" she exclaims frustrated, turning away from me.
"Bella, look at me."
"No."
"You know I love you," I tell her softly, my voice pained.
"No, I don't know that! Because you say you love me, but you act as though you don't know!" she shouts, finally turning around to face me.
My heart pounds in my chest as I continue to watch the sobs shake her body and the tears fall down her face. All of my love for her overflows and before I know what they're doing, my feet are closing the distance between us. I cup her face in my hands and press my lips to hers in a frenzy, trying to convey how much I really do still love her. She kisses me back as she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls my closer to her. When I come to my senses, I pull away from her roughly.
"I'm sorry," I whisper to her, rubbing my thumbs across her cheekbones, wiping away her tears. She places her hands on top of mine and closes her eyes. When I go to remove my hands from her face, she holds onto them more tightly.
"Bella, I shouldn't have done that." I whisper sadly, the pain seeping into my voice.
"What?" she asks softly, the tone of her voice filled with shock and confusion.
"That shouldn't have happened," I tell her seriously.
"But…" she cuts herself off, frowning with confusion as she looks into my eyes.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, pulling myself away from her and putting distance between us.
"Edward, please. Don't," she chokes out, tears falling down her cheeks.
I can't take seeing the rejection and pain in her eyes, so I do the only thing I can think of.
I stride past her and out of the living room, tears finally forming in my eyes. I wipe them away furiously as I make my way upstairs to my room.
So this chapter is all about Edward's mixed feelings towards Bella. Thanks to everyone who are still adding this story to their alerts and favourites and thanks to all of you who have been reviewing.
And speaking of reviews, there has been a few of you who have expressed your unhappiness about how Alice, Jasper and Emmett have all accepted Bella back into their lives, and how Edward still loves her etc etc.
So. I would just like to point out, that when you love someone, that love can overshadow every problem and distaste you once had for someone after they hurt you. When someone you love makes a mistake and hurts you deeply, you don't always just hate them and never want to see them again. Sometimes people forgive someone that's hurt them because they don't want to risk losing them again.
In the earlier chapters you don't see much interaction between Bella, Jazz and Em. They weren't as close as what Bella, Alice and Rose were. So of course they're going to be welcoming towards her. They don't completely trust her 100% now that she's back. They're just happy to see her and know that she's okay. Alice, Jasper and Emmett will all tell Bella how they feel about what she did eventually, when it finally sinks in that she's back.
And just to clear a few other things up, Bella doesn't think everything is okay. She knows what she did was wrong, and she's come back to Forks to face her mistakes and fix what she's broken. I understand where you're all coming from, but, when I write, I write from personal experiences and personal emotions. So, for you to say that Edward should want nothing to do with her and everyone is too welcoming to her, it makes me feel like you're saying that the decisions and things I've felt for people in my life, are wrong.
I would also like to point out the plotline of New Moon. Are you saying when Edward and the rest of the Cullens left Bella, then when they returned, Bella should have never forgiven them as easily as she did? That she should have wanted nothing to do with Edward and should never have accepted him back?
This is my first story, I'm going to make mistakes. But this is my story and to be honest, I'll write it how I want. And I'm sorry if you don't like it and if you end up flouncing.
Okay, I'm done with my ranting. If you read all of that, cool. Thank you, it means a lot. If you didn't, whatever.
Natalee-x