Chapter Four Summary - Word spreads quickly around the base that Sam and Daniel have moved in together. Rumors and speculation are rife. Sam and Daniel pack up some of Sam's belongings, and they have time to talk, coming to a few conclusions about their relationship. Lantash and Sam discuss her emotions that center on Daniel, her feelings for him, and her reaction to those feelings. Jack and Teal'c arrive to help move her belongings. Sam faces an emotional crisis.
Catagory: - Drama/Angst/Romance
Rating - T
Pairing - Sam/Daniel/Lantash
"Italics" - Symbiote-Host communication
Always Be Ours
Chapter Four
Phantom of the Mind
By late morning, the only people on base that did not know that Major Samantha Carter and Dr. Daniel Jackson had moved in together were those that were oblivious to anything and everything, or were on days off. Of course, many of those knew, too, as the emails sped from computer to computer and phones rang.
Not only had they moved in together, but it was also pretty much verified that they were taking six weeks off from the SGC as of today. Together. Yeah, together. Yeah, as in both of them, together in the same house, together. They had loaded up a bunch of stuff from their labs and offices, and Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c had helped them load it into Dr. Jackson's Jeep.
Teal'c was supposed to drive the Major's car home for her later in the day when the Major and Dr. Jackson were finished packing up her stuff and were ready to haul it over to Dr. Jackson's. The Colonel and Teal'c were going to help them move the stuff to Dr. Jackson's, and then the four of them were having a beer, pizza, and movie night.
Well, Major Carter still looked pretty upset, and it was pretty obvious that she'd been crying a lot. True, but this proved what was being said, and Dr. Jackson really did call her my love.
Oh, come on, how'd ya get all the details? What? You're kidding, right? You did not! Really? Come on! She heard Dr. Jackson and Teal'c talking plain as day in the hall, while they were carrying stuff out? Wow! That was straight from the horse's mouth. And so it went, from mouth to ear, all day long.
Captain Adams and some friends were standing in the hall making plans for later in the day when Daniel Jackson told Teal'c that as soon as they had Sam's stuff moved into his house this evening, (so they must have been moving her stuff in for a while now,) they would get beer and pizza. She had, she said, almost died of shock right there on the spot.
Later, she heard that Dr. Fraiser had been heard to say that she knew for a fact that they were living together, and that if it worked out they'd probably make it permanent.
Well, yeah, she thought they were perfect for each other. Who better to understand each other than two geniuses? And they were both really nice people. Everyone wished them well, you know? And they seemed happy together.
Oh, yesterday? Well, you know how Major Carter felt about Martouf and Lantash. She really cared about them. How could she not? The symbiote she hosted that time was their mate, so in a way she loved them.
It really hit her hard. She was in shock and upset. It was as if she lost her own mate. She even offered to take the symbiote, Lantash, but he was either too weak to change hosts, or the zat kept him from it, and he died, too.
Not only that, but she was the one that zatted them. That had to be way to much emotional trauma at one time. Guilt and mourning together like that would be pretty hard to take.
She went into shock, and Teal'c just picked her up and took her to the infirmary. Daniel stayed with her last night, of course. Well, yeah, he wouldn't leave her there alone after that much trauma. Maybe that was why she and Daniel were making it more permanent. They'd been reminded once again how easily they could lose each other.
First thing this morning they'd gone straight to the General. Now they were gone for six weeks. That was an unheard of and unprecedented act for those two workaholic scientists. And to her mind that said more than anything that Martouf's death had made them look to their own relationship.
By noon, there were two pools going. One for the wedding, and one for the baby they were all sure would be born in nine months, give or take a month or more either way. No one could think of any other reason for them to suddenly move in together regardless what Dr. Fraiser said.
At least, the male part of the SGC couldn't. The female portion tended to go with Dr. Fraiser's explanation or more often than not, a combination of the two seemed to be believed, with heavy leanings toward Dr. Fraiser's explanation.
Of course, cooler heads pointed out, it might only seem sudden to those looking at it. The principals of the story might have been contemplating moving in together for a long time, and no one knew about it.
Nope, more muddled heads replied, they didn't think so. There was a baby on the way. Bets were being laid already.
Oblivious to the furor on the base, Sam and Daniel had spent the entire morning at Sam's going through her things and packing up the essentials that she would want. Mostly her clothes, pictures, computer, and books. Her favorite coffee mug, the one Daniel had given her a long time ago, that had a picture of a cat that looked like Schrödinger on it.
Daniel insisted on taking her good clothes, even if she wouldn't be able to get into some of them in a few months, and her jewelry. There was no point in putting it in a safe deposit box; she could put it in with his good stuff. He packed up her shoes, her favorite CD's, and her movies.
She couldn't believe how many boxes they packed. Lantash forced her to sit down and rest for twenty minutes every two hours. She shook her head and explained how in the normal course of events she wouldn't yet know she was pregnant, so would be taking no precautions at all, and she would be fine.
Then she should be better than fine, since she knew and could take special care. She shook her head and got up for a glass of water. Lantash complained that she was supposed to be resting. She smiled at him.
By 14:00 hours they had everything that she thought she wanted for now packed up and ready. There was no way they could get all of this in the jeep.
Daniel flipped open his cell phone and made a call, "Jack? We're ready. Yeah, all packed up. Sure. Yeah, we'll just call it in. There's a what, already? You're kidding, right? They what? When? Well, hell. I guess we did it. All right, see you soon. Yeah. Bye."
"Jack's coming over with his truck, Teal'c is bringing your car, and we'll get all of this, probably in one trip, no problem."
"Sam, what do you think of taking this chair? I really think you should. You always like to sit in it and snuggle in an afghan. Although, I think I'd rather you snuggled with me. It's not like there isn't room for it, and if we get a different house, we'll be getting one that's bigger. What do you say? Jack can take it. Ah, and speaking of afghans, you should take some of those, too. I'll get them in a bit."
Sam looked at Daniel as he sat in her recliner. "Sure, Daniel, if you want to. Maybe the rocking chair in the bedroom, too? It would be nice in a nursery. I agree about the afghans. I have several that I like, so be sure you get the blue ones."
Daniel looked up and smiled at her, his eyes sparkling. Her breath caught at the jump her heart made. He really was a handsome man, but more than that, his smile could be devastating.
He was really excited about this, and the thought of her moving in with him was something he really wanted. He wasn't pretending. And suddenly, she realized that she wasn't pretending that she wanted to move in with him, either. She was looking forward to it.
"That's a great idea, Sam. Is there anything else you might want to take?"
"Not right now. We'll know more after we're together for a while what I need, or we need, and then we can just come and get it. We can keep a list. But I do like the idea of the chairs."
"What were you talking to the Colonel about, Daniel? What was he kidding about?"
Daniel shook his head, "He wasn't kidding. I guess there was a group of people in the hall this morning as we were leaving and they overheard us talking, well Teal'c and I talking."
"Evidently, I said something to the effect that we were moving your stuff into my house and, if we finished it by tonight, we'd have a beer, pizza, and movie night with Teal'c and Jack, since they were helping us to move you."
"Somehow the words "rest of" were inserted into the moving your stuff comment somewhere along its passing from person to person, so everyone thinks we're already living together. So the rumors were started early this morning. There are now two pools started. One for the wedding, and one for the baby's birth date. Most are guessing way too early by the way."
"Too early?" Sam frowned at him.
"Yeah, Sam, most of the people on the base believe we've been seeing each other, ah, romantically for a long time and living together for a while, as well. So, one of the rumors is that you're pregnant and that's why we are taking the six weeks together now to move you. So quite a few personnel think you are farther along than you are. The timing won't be a problem."
"No, it shouldn't be. But." Sam stopped speaking and drew in a deep breath before asking, "Daniel, where were you last weekend? The weekend that Martouf and Lantash were—were here?"
Daniel frowned, thinking. "I was here in Colorado Springs. Why?"
"Just in case anyone ever figures out when I got pregnant, Daniel. If anyone ever remembers that Martouf was here that weekend, questions could be raised, that's all."
"I don't think we should worry about that, Sam. The chances of someone realizing that are slim to none. Why would anyone ever even question the baby's parentage?"
Sam sighed, "What if it's a boy, Daniel, and it looks like Martouf? What then?"
"Samantha, that will not happen."
"Lantash? What do you mean? Do you know the sex already?"
"The sex of the child is unimportant. Just trust me that it will not look enough like Martouf to cause suspicion."
"You've checked the DNA strings haven't you?"
"Let us just say that the process so far is perfect. The only thing I do not yet know is if there will be more than one child."
"All right. I won't ask you more right now. I don't think I can, but I will want to know more about it later, Lantash."
"I will be more than happy to discuss it with you later, when we are more emotionally capable of having the discussion, but for now, you must talk to Daniel. He is disturbed."
"Never mind, Daniel, Lantash says it won't look enough like Martouf to cause suspicion, so we don't have to worry about it. He won't tell me how he knows, but he did say he will discuss it later when the emotional pain is not so intense for us."
"I'm sure he's checked something, and he did tell me that so far the process is perfect and the only thing he doesn't know is if there will be more than one. It is still early enough the cells could still divide for twins." She smiled slightly trying to reassure Daniel that she was all right.
"Sam, however he knows, it's a relief in one way, but in another way, I was hoping it would look exactly like him. I wanted you to have Martouf back, if only in that one small way. I wanted to be reminded of him, too, you know, and that would have been a wonderful gift for us."
Daniel looked up to see tears running silently down Sam's face. He jumped from the chair and approached her, saying, "Oh, god, Sam, I'm sorry. I'm such a jerk when it comes to this stuff. I should just keep my mouth shut instead of opening it and putting both my feet in it all the time. I'm so, so sorry. Please, forgive me for being insensitive."
"Daniel, no. No, you aren't, stop. You aren't being insensitive at all. That is one of the sweetest, most selfless things a man could possibly say to a woman. You have no idea what hearing you say that means to me. How utterly selfless it is. Most men would be so jealous of another man's child they would be…" she stopped and shook her head unable, for the moment, to continue.
Taking another steadying breath, she was finally able to say, "It's no wonder I care for you so much. I'll never be good enough to deserve you. You really are a very special, very wonderful man, Dr. Daniel Jackson."
"Sam, I feel the same about you. I'll never be good enough for you. The truth is that we really do have a lot going for us. We care for each other, and we've been friends for a long time. I think we can be good together."
He took her hands in his. "We can make this work, Sam. I think we're made for each other. I don't necessarily think it will be easy. We both have a lot of baggage that we will have to work through, so that it doesn't mess up this newly growing relationship."
"On the other hand, that baggage hasn't messed up our friendship, and it is very strong. I think we both know enough about each other's scars and pasts that we can work out any problems that happen, if we just try."
"If we are willing to give each other support and time; if we are willing to work things out instead of running away from our problems when they come up, then I think we can make it work and work well. I really do, Sam."
"Me, too, Daniel," She whispered, softly, "me, too."
Sam watched as Daniel's lips came down towards hers. When they settled butterfly soft on hers and clung there, she was overwhelmed by the feelings that surged through her.
Lifting her hands as he released them, she drew his head down more firmly with one as she deepened the kiss, while the other settled against his chest. She felt his arms go around her, one to hold her cradled between his thighs, the other to hold her close and allow his hand to entwine in her hair and tilt her head just right.
Then, she was experiencing her first real kiss from Daniel Jackson, and it was like nothing she had ever experienced before. When they finally drew apart they were standing forehead to forehead, length to length, both were breathing a little fast and wondering what had just happened.
"I, um, don't think the physical side of our relationship will be a problem, Sam. In fact, I'm not sure the physical side of our relationship won't be the easiest part to get used to. I don't know if I've ever reacted quite like that to a first kiss, do you?"
"Ah, no. No, I've never, um, reacted quite like that to a first kiss, and no, Daniel, I don't think it will be a problem at all. No, not at all. Daniel, that was, um, it was, I really, really liked kissing you. I think I could get used to that very easily. Do you think we could try that again sometime when Jack and Teal'c aren't coming up my front walk?"
"Yeah, um, could I have a rain check for maybe later this evening? Like maybe even later tonight? I, um, don't want to rush you, Sam, but I really think that the physical side of our relationship could help to make everything a whole lot easier in both the long and the short run."
"I, ah, I think we should start as we mean to go on, and I have to tell you that after that kiss, there is no way I could go on and not love you, soon, Sam. That was really some kiss."
"Yeah, I know, Daniel, and believe me, I agree."
Daniel stepped back and slowly loosened his hold on her without completely releasing her, saying, "What about Lantash, though? How does he feel about it?"
"He is suggesting that he become dormant as we take our relationship farther."
Daniel frowned. "Should I take it that he is, ah, is against us taking our relationship farther this quickly, then?"
"No, the opposite is true. He is urging us to move as quickly as possible. I think he is afraid that something might happen, and he could have to become dormant sooner during my pregnancy than we anticipate."
Daniel gently rubbed her back, saying firmly, "We will take the first steps tonight, I promise. It will be all right, Sam, I promise, that, too."
"I know it's hard, but try not to dwell on it, okay? Don't worry yourself into a case of nerves over it because from the way we both reacted to that kiss, we won't have any problems at all when the time comes. I'd prove it to you again, but for right now, Jack is pounding on the door. We better let him in, before he breaks it down."
"Yeah, I guess we better." Sam looked up at him and smiled slightly. "It's okay, Daniel, I'm not going to start to worry and brood about tonight."
"I'm a grown woman, not a child. I know about sex, and I understand desire and, and love. I do love you, and I know that you love me. It's just that the circumstances are a little difficult and—unusual. We'll work through it. Now, go get the door before, as you said, Jack breaks it down."
Daniel smiled and shook his head at her practical thought processes. Scientist Sam seemed to be in charge. "I'll just, um, I'll just go, and let him in."
"Okay." Sam nodded and turned away slightly as Daniel headed for the door.
"Samantha, you will stop feeling guilty at once. Nothing you are feeling with Daniel is wrong. Martouf would be happy that you are allowing the feelings that you have buried, so deeply and so long, to see the light of day, and to grow so quickly. These feelings have always been there for Daniel, you have simply refused to acknowledge them."
"It is difficult for you to understand, I know, but believe me, these feelings truly have been a part of you for a very long time. You have suppressed them, first because Daniel himself was mated, then because you met Martouf and me and had feelings for us that you had to work through, and which then grew into love for us. You must not allow yourself to feel as if you are betraying us, for I can assure you that you are not."
"Nor are you using Daniel to cover the pain of Martouf's death. The feelings you have for Daniel are not a "rebound affect" as you fear. They are genuine, so you need have no fear of awakening someday to find that you do not care for him and thus hurt him." Lantash spoke softly, soothing her and assuring her that she had done nothing that he or Martouf would not approve.
"How can you know all of these things, Lantash? How can you be so sure, when I am so unsure of everything? My feelings are so confused, how can you understand them any better than I can? I love Martouf, and I love you, but if I am this drawn to Daniel, this quickly, what does that say about the love I have for you? The love I had for Martouf? Were they even real? And if they weren't, then what does that say about the love I think I feel for Daniel? Am I even capable of feeling a lasting love for anyone? Am I just a fickle and shallow woman, incapable of feeling any real, deep emotions?"
"Stop, Samantha. You do love Martouf, and you always will, just as you love me and always will. Do not think that because you are drawn to Daniel that you love Martouf and I any less because that is not true. Had Martouf lived, the feelings you have for Daniel would never have been allowed to blossom. They would have been kept, as they have been since you first met, buried and locked away in a box, in a place that is called forbidden."
"That is why you are beginning to feel guilt now. But, it is no longer forbidden, Samantha, and you can freely bring those emotions out, and look at them in the light of your love. You can experience them and enjoy them."
"Martouf is gone, but the love you had for him lives on. I am here, and I can feel the love you have for me. Now, you will add the love you have for Daniel. You will find it to be as deep, pure, and true as that, which you have for Martouf, though it will be different. No one will ever take Martouf's place in your heart, my beloved. Just as no one will ever take Sha'uri's place in Daniel's heart."
"I am sure of this for two reasons. The first is that I have lived for a very long time and have seen many loves, felt them blossom, grow and mature. I have also known when they are locked away because they were not allowable. I recognize them when I encounter them, my love, I assure you. The second reason is that I can see things that you will not yet admit to yourself, and I can see them more clearly than you, who are too close to them. You know you have feelings, but cannot analyze them correctly. I can, since I am a somewhat neutral party."
"However, even more important, is the fact that I can also feel the emotions, and not being burdened by your guilt, can feel the truth of them. I love Daniel, as you love Daniel, and it is not a throw-away emotion, I promise you. We will both love him for a lifetime. You must reach out and embrace the emotions you feel for him, just as you embrace him. Take them into your heart, for they will grow and flourish there, this I also promise you."
"You've allowed yourself to love him through me. Won't that be hard when you are blended with him, Lantash?"
"No, because I will remain dormant while you make-love, or cut myself off as I did a moment ago when you kissed. Furthermore, I will be careful not to access those memories. In that way, I will never miss what I do not have. I believe it will be better this way."
"I see. You are probably right, if you would feel that way about Daniel after you blended with him. But does that mean that you feel that way about me, Lantash? Is that a problem for you now?"
"Not yet, Samantha, but soon, it will become a problem, for both of us. It is a very difficult problem to overcome from what I have been told by others who are in our position. Nothing seems to help it, but time, and a sensitive partner. The best scenario is, in fact, the one we are contemplating. That I take a host acceptable to both parties. It seems that the longing for the physical sharing of the body takes a very long time to fade."
"Oh, god. That on top of mourning for the one we've lost. How can we bear that as well, Lantash? What are we going to do?"
"We are going to do exactly as we are doing. We are going to allow our feelings for Daniel to grow and mature, and when the time is right, I will change hosts. Then I will once again experience holding you in my arms, and you will once again experience being held by me. In addition, we will once again have the love of a man we both love in return. That is how we are going to bear it, and that is what we are going to do."
"Now, Daniel and the Colonel are worried about you. Please, wipe the tears from your face, and reassure them that you are all right, that sometimes, you are just reminded of Martouf and become a little overwhelmed."
"Lantash, I love you more and more as time passes."
"I know, my Samantha, and I, too, love you more each day. We will be all right, I promise you. Now come, dry your tears and reassure the other men in your life, who are very worried about you, that you are quite well."
Doing as Lantash suggested, Sam slowly wiped her cheeks and drew a deep breath, before turning to face the men watching her, as if afraid to move farther into the room. Only Teal'c seemed to be at ease and understand that these moments were going to happen.
She tried to smile, but it wasn't a big success. Putting her hands into her jeans pockets, she rolled to the balls of her feet, looking down at the floor, before looking back up at them. "I'm sorry, guys. Sometimes something happens, you know. It just reminds me of Martouf. It-it's going to happen for a while. Just ignore it, and go about whatever you are doing."
"I was just talking to Lantash, and he was helping me through a rough spot, that's all. Don't worry when that happens, okay? I mean it; I really do want you to ignore me rather than, er, stare at me as if you're afraid I'm going to disintegrate right in front of you. I'm not going to, not completely, anyway."
"Sure, Carter. We'll just start loading the truck. No problem."
"Thanks, Colonel." She managed the smile this time. "I'm ready to help now, too. Let's get this stuff loaded. Did Daniel tell you that I've decided that I want this chair, and the one in my bedroom? The rocking chair. It'll go nice in a nursery. I guess I should get some blankets to wrap around it."
"Actually, now that I think about it, Daniel, I wonder if I should take my two cedar chests? The have all of my really good quilts in them, and my nice comforters, things like that. Oh, and don't forget the afghans—we might as well take all of them; I'm sure they are something I will want with me later."
Keeping the subjects on neutral ground, she continued, "Daniel, what are we going to do with the rest of that type of stuff? We haven't even thought about that yet. We'll need it in the new house probably, won't we? So we don't want to get rid of it."
Daniel nodded to Jack and Teal'c to go ahead and get started. "Sure, Sam, we can take the cedar chests, that's probably a good idea. I'll have Jack and Teal'c take them and the afghans next. As for the other sheets and bedding, for now we'll leave it here. Depending on how many bedrooms we end up with, we may need your beds, you know."
"Come with me into the kitchen first though, we need to take one more look in there to be sure we have everything out of the fridge that needs taken out. We don't want to leave anything to get really gross over the next month or so," Daniel commented as he swept her through the door and into the other room.
"Didn't we already do that, Daniel? There's nothing in here." Sam looked confused as she turned around toward him after looking into the empty refrigerator.
"Yes. We did. Come here, Sam." He pulled her slowly and gently into his arms. "What happened in there? What's wrong?" His hands ran up and down her back, soothing and calming her.
Sam closed her eyes and leaned into the comfort and warmth of Daniel's hard masculine body, relaxing as his arms held her. "Nothing, really. I just had an attack of conscience, and Lantash told me to let it go. He insists that guilt has no part in what I feel for you. That my feelings for you take nothing away from what I felt for Martouf, or for him. He believes that Martouf would want me to be happy with you."
She paused before continuing, "He says my feelings for you have been there a long time, since before Sha'uri died, but I didn't acknowledge them then because you were married. Then, well, I had met him and Martouf, and I had feelings for them, so I still kept them buried."
"Now, he says, they are finally free to grow, and I should let them. He says they are not "rebound feelings". That he could tell if they were. He says we, both of us, truly care for you, and that we should not be afraid of it."
She sighed deeply again before murmuring, "But, I am afraid of it, Daniel. What if you don't feel the same? What if I'm wrong, or Lantash is wrong, and this is just some reaction to Martouf's death? What happens then?"
"Sam, I've cared for you for a very long time. My feelings for you aren't going to change, and I don't believe that Lantash is wrong about your feelings. I really don't think that this is a reaction to Martouf's death. I think that if things had been different, had there been no Sha'uri, Martouf, or Lantash, and we had met, we would have been together."
"But we don't have to worry about that now. Right now, all we have to discover is if we can have a full life together. We need to find out if we can have both an everyday life of everyday things, and the physical, sexual life of a man and a woman. Because if we can, then we both need to seriously consider taking it, and holding onto it with both hands. It's more than some people have in an entire lifetime. Let's not waste it, if we have a chance at it."
Sam nodded. "I'd like to have that with you, Daniel. I've always enjoyed being with you. I think I could be very happy with you by my side. I know I enjoy working beside you. I enjoy time together when we're just having fun on a night out."
"And from earlier I think our, er, physical compatibility will be pretty good." And that, she thought, is the understatement of the year. That kiss had ranked right up there with what Martouf and Lantash's kisses had done to her, and that was saying a lot.
Daniel smiled. "Good. Because I feel the same way, Sam. Now, we better go check on Jack and Teal'c before they carry your house away, or manage to break something totally unrelated to what is being moved."
"Yeah, you're probably right. We better go." They both halted at the sound of a crash. "Maybe we should have gone five minutes ago." Sam said, with a sigh.
Daniel smiled. "Well it didn't sound like anything broke. I think they just knocked some stuff over, so probably no major casualties."
"You might be right. Let's go see."
They stepped back into the room to see boxes scattered, but nothing broken just as Daniel had speculated. It didn't take long for them to finish loading the jeep and truck.
The guys were outside stacking the remaining boxes into the truck as Sam made one last walk-through of the house. As she walked from room to room, she caught her breath from time to time, when she thought she caught glimpses of Martouf as he had looked that weekend.
They had made love up against that wall—right there, in the hall on the foyer rug, and on this table, well it had started there, but it had ended on the rug in front of the fireplace.
She would swear she could see him laughing up at her from the cushions of the couch as she walked past. Then he was in the hall; she heard him laughing there before he called to her from another room. She closed her eyes for a moment, but kept walking, berating herself for having foolish fancies.
She checked the den, making sure she had all of her personal computer attachments and discs she might want.
He was waiting for her in the loveseat under the window, one leg thrown over the end and one foot on the floor, as he opened his arms for her, his smile sultry and beckoning, his gray-blue eyes inviting her to come to him. He had reclined there and looked exactly like that on Saturday afternoon. They had made love on that very spot.
She blinked her eyes, turned, and left the room. God, was his ghost in every room in the house? Of course he was. They had been here all weekend. They had made love everywhere, spent time together, laughed together, played together, and loved together. Daniel had been right about her coming here by herself. She'd have driven herself crazy.
She'd make one more sweep making sure she had everything she wanted from her bedroom and bathroom. She didn't seem to see him there, which she thought odd, since a lot of their time had been spent in her bed.
Finding nothing else she thought she might need, she turned to leave the room, when she remembered her pillows. She loved her own pillows and without thought, she grabbed them off the bed.
As she swept them up into her arms, the scent of Martouf caught her by surprise. For a moment, she could have sworn she saw him lying on the bed. He was stretched out, just as he had been so many times during that weekend, waiting for her with a look of love and passion on his face and in his eyes, his arms open, his voice whispering, "Come to me my lovely, beloved Samantha".
She buckled as if she had been caught by blows, one to the gut, taking her breath, and one behind her knees, forcing her body to fold upon itself.
She collapsed onto the floor and leaned over, clutching the pillow that smelled of Martouf. She crushed it to her body, holding it convulsively, as the waves of pain tore through her, battering at her heart until it fractured, then shattered, sending shards slicing through her and intensifying the searing pain.
She sat crumpled on the bedroom floor staring at the pillow she now held in her lap, before her vision blurred and her tears began falling.
Then closing her eyes as the anguish ripped deeper into her, she longed to be able to touch him, to hold him, and to love him just one more time. One more time to touch her lips to his, to caress his skin, worshipping his body, loving him. One more time to feel his lips, his hands, all of him, as he loved her, worshipping her body as she had his. One more time. Just one more time.
She cradled the pillow to her breasts, as she had cradled his head. But as the torment of her grief intensified ever more, her hands tightened on it until it was crushed against her.
She buried her face in it, breathing deeply of his scent, before starting to rock slowly back and forth, as the agony of his loss continued to claw through her, leaving the wound to her heart lacerated, open, raw, and bleeding. The harshness of her sobs conveyed the depth of her desolation and heartbreak.
That's where Daniel found her a few minutes later. He didn't need to ask any questions; her actions told their own story. He knelt next to her, and taking her into his arms, he then sat on the floor and lifted her into his lap, before beginning to rock her gently, as she continued to cry.
Lantash made no effort to stop her either, knowing that this had to happen, possibly many times. There was no hiding from it, and no reason for him to stop it. His Samantha had a right to grieve for Martouf and neither he, nor anyone else, had the right to take that from her. Only by grieving so would she be able to let him go.
Sam clutched the pillow to her as she allowed Daniel to pick her up and begin to rock her. She didn't hear Jack and Teal'c come into the room, nor did she see Daniel give Teal'c the keys to his jeep, and take the keys to her car.
Daniel spoke softly over Sam's head as she continued to sob harshly, unaware of anything or anyone, other than her grief and Daniel, around her. "You have a key to my house, Jack. Go ahead and unload the boxes and stuff. We'll be along shortly. She, they—were here, you know—that entire weekend."
He drew a deep breath. "I should have been with her in here. I should never have left her alone in the house with all the ghosts that would be here, and I knew it." He shook his head at his own neglect of her. "She'll be all right, guys; it's just going to take time. It only happened yesterday."
"The reality is that this is probably a good thing. She deserves to have some time to grieve, and she hasn't really had much. You go on ahead."
"We will do so, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c answered. "We will take care of Major Carter's belongings; you take care of Major Carter, and do not worry about what we are doing." It was a long speech for Teal'c and Daniel appreciated his support.
"I will, Teal'c. Thanks."
"Yeah, sure, Daniel, if you really think she'll be okay." Jack looked uncomfortable, but willing to stay.
Daniel smiled grimly. "Go, Jack. I'll take care of her. It's my responsibility to care for her now. It's one I've wanted for quite a while, and that I've taken on gladly. I want it, so don't look so worried about us. We're going to be all right, but it's probably going to take some time.
"She has a right to grieve, Jack. She loves them deeply; she always will, and this time of grieving is her right. Please, go on ahead. Really, we'll be there shortly. While she has a right to grieve, she can't grieve at this level for long. Her body just won't allow it."
Jack nodded and the two men left. Daniel sat and rocked her as he murmured to her gently. It broke his heart in two to hear the wrenchingly painful sobs, but he forced himself to stay calm and distanced from them. She would need him to be in control, not an emotional mess, too.
Eventually, she quieted and Daniel's rocking stopped, though his light caresses on her back and hair did not. He continued murmuring softly to her as well, "It's okay to cry, Sam. It's okay to be heart-broken and in pain. You need to go ahead and experience it, so that you can come to know it, and let it go. It's all right, Sam, I'm here with you, and I won't leave you alone, I promise."
"I'm so s-sorry, Daniel. I d-don't know what happened. One minute I was fine, and then the next it was like I was, I-I just don't know. It was like something just snapped."
"I understand, Sam. It's okay. I remember what it's like when it comes at you from nowhere and blindsides you. Anything can set it off. Maybe it would be a woman with her coloring, the sun on a certain color of sand, deep brown eyes, or the scent of sandalwood. I suspect you caught his scent on the pillows."
"I'll change the pillow cases, while you're in the bathroom. Come on, Sam, let's go wash your face," Daniel said, as he took the pillow and went with her into the master-bath.
After getting her started, he returned to the bedroom and looked for her pillowcases. Finding them, he chose some of a completely different color, replaced both cases and put the pillows down on the bed ready to be picked up to leave.
When Sam came out, her eyes still looking puffy and red, but better, he smiled at her, and held out his hand. When she took it, he leaned over and kissed each of them lightly before kissing her lips gently. "It'll take time, but it will get better. This is only the second day, Sam. Give it time, please."
She smiled slightly at him and forced herself to pick up the pillows. "Thanks, Daniel." She looked down for a minute and then looked back up and into his eyes. "I remember what happened now; you were right. I smelled his scent on the pillow, and then I thought I saw him on the bed; I just lost it, Daniel."
"I think I'm losing my mind," she whispered, "I keep hearing him and seeing him everywhere in the house. He's in every room, every place, even the hall. I can hear him laugh. I can hear him call to me and talk to me. He looks so real, Daniel, it's as if I could reach out and touch him, but I know he isn't there. He's no more than a phantom of my mind. A ghost."
Daniel kissed her softly, "Or a memory, Sam. Right now a very painful one, but, someday, he will be a much-loved one, one that you will cherish. It's hard now, but it will change, and his memory will become something treasured and loved."
Sam nodded. "I know. I'm sorry for being so crazy. Thanks for understanding."
"You're welcome, and no, you are not losing your mind, Sam. I had that happen to me, too. Thought I saw Sha'uri, I mean. It happens, so don't worry about it. The scent brought up the image you connected to it, that's all. It brought a visual memory. You're all right."
"I guess I never thought about that happening. I never realized a memory could look so real. The mind can do amazing things. I should have realized though, Daniel, because Jolinar left me with tactile memories. I just never expected these vivid pictures in my mind like this."
"Yeah, it can, and they can look very real, especially this soon after it happened and being in here alone. I should have stayed with you. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, Sam."
He kissed her again gently, saying, "Now, no more about this from either of us." He smiled at her and when Sam gave in, squeezed his hand, and gave him a slight smile back, he turned to leave.
"You know, the guys are probably making a disaster of the house. We've got to take your car over, because I let Teal'c take my Jeep. That way they can get everything unloaded, before we even get there. All we'll have to do is eat."
Sam shook her head and smiled shakily at him. "Thank you, Daniel. I seem to constantly be telling you that. I hope it isn't a habit I'm getting into."
"I haven't minded, yet. Come on. We still have to call in pizza, get beer, and a movie. You have to admit it's pretty cheap prices for movers."
"Yeah, I guess it is at that. Okay, I'm ready. Let's go."
This time when she walked out of the room, and then out of the house, when she locked the door and walked away, she didn't dare look back. She didn't think she could bear it if she saw him standing there.
TBC