All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

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Chapter 15 - She Just Gets My Goat

EDWARD

We were walking for quite a while. Well, Bella was walking, and I was following after her to make sure she didn't get herself killed. I swore that woman had thought I was crazy, and yet here she went, tromping off into the unknown without a second thought, ready to catch herself a wild goat.

Who was the crazy one here?

I felt the need to remind her they had fucking HORNS! Huge poke-you–in-the-ass ones that would impale you, but did that stop her? NO! She wanted to be part of their family, she did.

I didn't realize I had been flailing my hands and making faces while thinking that, until she turned around and raised an eyebrow at me. I tried to cover it by pretending I was swatting at a fly, and she giggled at me. I scowled in return. I didn't like being giggled at, especially by someone whose mind I couldn't read.

"Do you hear that?" she asked suddenly.

"What?"

We stood silent for a moment, and I heard a humming sound. I wasn't sure what it was.

"Bees!" she finally exclaimed excitedly.

My first instinct was to turn and run from the bees.

HEY, THEY STUNG! Don't be giving me that "you're such a wussy" look!

The fucking forest was alive with humming. It wasn't one bee; it was a fucking swarm!

So what did she do? She walked toward the noise!

It was official. Bella was fucking insane, and she apparently had a death wish. She'd obviously survived the plane crash on accident. She had given me her life preserver after all. Maybe I should've been on the lookout for more suicidal tendencies.

"If you're going to die by bee stings, give me Jake first," I snapped at her, realizing I couldn't stop her from doing anything.

She rolled her eyes at me.

ROLLED HER EYES, people, like I was being the unreasonable one. She handed me Jake and walked off toward the humming.

"KILLER BEES!" I shouted after her. "THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING!"

"Oh, shut up," she growled at me.

Really? Shut up?

I stood quietly waiting. I didn't hear screaming or anything, and I pictured her being choked to death by bee bodies in her mouth so she couldn't scream. I might or might not have watched a few horror movies with killer bees in them.

After a few more minutes of intense freaking out and trying to decide whether or not to go running in after her or not, she walked out of the bushes. She started checking herself over and gently lifted a few bees off of her with her fingertips onto some nearby plants.

What was she, the bee whisperer?

She didn't swat at them or anything, she just waited for the last couple to hop off of her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said in a duh voice.

"They could've been killer bees," I told her.

"Right, because Florida is suddenly Africa."

"What?"

"They're African killer bees, you idiot. These are just honey bees, wild, but still just honey bees. We should be able to smoke them and get some honey. I could make some lemonade with the honey and some lemons, and so many other things. I mean, we don't have sugar, but honey can stand in for it in most things. The hive is huge. It's truly amazing. It actually takes up half of a massive tree. After a good smoking, we should be able to collect some honey and maybe some of the honeycomb wax for candles and stuff, too."

I was looking at her as if she was nuts. There was a massive hive of bees, and she wanted to go into it and disturb it. I wondered if she maybe had some serious brain damage. I knew people who had been put in the nut house for less disturbing actions.

I decided to try and distract her. "I thought we were looking for goats?"

She just shook her head at me. "Now you want to look for goats?"

"Better death by goats than by bees." I figured impaling would kill me off faster than a bee attack; that just looked nasty.

"Okay, fine, we'll play 'OR' if you want," she said. "I agree with you. I'd rather die by goat than bees. What about shark or goat?"

"Easy, shark, you die much faster," I nodded.

"Fine, shark or mountain lion?" she asked, and I was wondering if she was plotting my murder.

"What's the point of this game?" I asked warily.

She shrugged. "We can play 'who would you screw?' if you'd prefer. So, let me think, Queen of England or Laura Bush?"

"Really, are you sick or something? Because both of those are just gross."

She shrugged again. "Well, if I was a guy, and the queen was younger, I'd screw her, so my kid could be royalty. But if we have to go by current state, I'd go with Laura Bush. She's pretty good looking for an older lady."

God help me, this woman truly was insane.

"You can ask me about old guys," she offered.

"You want to fuck old guys?" I asked shocked.

"No, I don't want to SCREW anyone. Language," she said pointing to Jacob. I just shook my head at her and followed after the crazy woman.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked suddenly. I didn't know why, but I suddenly wanted to know. She looked at me confused.

"Why?"

"Why what?" I considered denying that I'd just asked her that question.

"Why do you want to know if I have a boyfriend?"

I shrugged, "Just wondering if you left anyone behind."

She shook her head no.

"You?" she asked.

"No, Alice and I were just friends," I said and she nodded. "You miss anyone?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I didn't see much of anyone, but if I could see someone again, it'd be my dad. Who would you see?"

"My brother, Emmett, I miss him. He just seemed to get me."

"Yeah, you are pretty tough to get. I could see the appeal for you."

"Gee thanks," I said sarcastically.

She just smiled, "Anytime."

I didn't know how much longer we walked, but she stopped and listened again. We both heard the same thing, and I couldn't help but smile. We had found the goats.

I was suddenly really stoked to find them. I figured we'd just catch the big one, and then the rest would follow it, right?

I started into the field, and Bella called out to me. I stopped and turned to see what her deal was, when she shouted, "Watch out!"

I turned back around to see a monster goat with its head down, charging me. I tried to move out of the way, but the fucker adjusted and kept coming at me.

Suddenly, I heard a loud banging behind me.

I went to turn around, but Bella shouted at me to face forward and not look away from the goat. She told me to back away from the goat and come to her. The goat was watching me as I started backing up. He was watching me intently, but he wasn't charging me, thank god. I really didn't want to die by goat after all.

I remembered why I'd thought this was a bad idea.

She pulled me down next to the tree she was sitting under. "Okay, watch the goats, and do what they do." I looked at her as if she was nuts. "Copy them." She pointed to a pair of goats. One was nuzzling the other's ear. Was she serious?

"Come on," she whisper-yelled at me.

So I leaned in hesitantly and nuzzled the side of her head. She smelled pretty good, and this was a little surprising. I mean, I'd never thought she stank, but she smelled nice, all natural and warm.

The goats started rubbing their heads together, and so she leaned over and rubbed heads with me. The goat turned its head and licked its mate's face, so I turned and licked her cheek. She tasted really good. I mean, salty and sweet, and I considered licking her again, but I didn't. She was looking at me as if I was crazy. This was her game. Her crazy goat game! Her and her crazy goat game!

Apparently, I'd taken it too far, because she turned and looked at me stunned. "What? I just did what the goat was doing." I turned back to see what the goats were doing now, and they were humping with abandon.

"We're not doing that," she said firmly, and I couldn't help but chuckle at her.

"Fine, your loss, but I can see why you wouldn't want to do that with the goats watching," I said very seriously.

She just looked at me as if I was the one who was nuts now. Great, I'd gotten her to think I was sane for a few hours, and now she thought I was crazy, because I licked her face while playing her goat game. It was her fucking idea!

"So, what's the plan, genius?" I asked.

She looked at me annoyed and pulled some stuff out of her duffle bag. It was chunks of fruit and food. She tossed it toward the big guy, and he did a little head dip and foot stomp thing. He made his way over and picked up the food.

"He's curious," she informed me.

She started leaving a trail of different foods and backed away. Apparently, you didn't turn your back on a goat, ever. That would've been nice to know, before we went looking for the damn things!

To my amazement, the goats started following her. I didn't even know why the hell I'd come along, because she could've handled this all on her own.

We got just outside of the alfalfa field, and she tossed the last of the food into the middle of it and walked away. That was it, plain and simple. Now we had goats. What we were going to do with them, I had no fucking clue, because they scared the living shit out of me.

Damn goats.

Damn crazy, brilliant woman!

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review!