I left Dan. I couldn't stay there any longer. Though I didn't necessarily leave without a goodbye; I told our neighbor, Mindy. I told her everything from when I started getting these feelings for Dan to the feelings of not being good enough for him. I told her every detail down to the very last one. She understood how I felt and asked me if I told Dan that I was leaving.
I shook my head and asked that she do it for me and she said she would. She promised me that she wouldn't say why I left or where I was going. I thanked her and went on my way.
I decided to go to the one place I had found when I first moved to London and never showed anyone. Not even Dan. I put in my headphones and put my music on shuffle. Of course the first song would be a Muse song which reminded me of Dan, the reason I left.
When I arrived to my hiding spot, I realized that I couldn't stay here, no matter how much I wanted to. I thought about places I could stay, even if only for the night. I thought and thought and thought until I came to a solution! I could most likely stay at Jake's house.
Jake was my best friend for most of my schooling years. He went to a different university than me, but we still kept contact with each other. So I decided to call him and see if I could stay.
"Hey, Jake. I have a question for you."
"Yeah, mate? What's up?"
"I was wondering if I could stay at yours for a few days. I left my flat because of him." Jake knew about my love for Dan so he understood who 'him' was.
"Yeah sure man. Definitely. I have news to tell you when you get here though. So be prepared!"
"Thanks, Jake. See you later." And with that, I hung up and hopped on a train. Jake lived five hours away from my flat, so I didn't get to see him that often. I wondered what the news was the whole train ride...
I woke up when I felt someone shaking me. It frightened me to the point I almost let out a yelp. I opened my eyes to find Jake just looking at me with a smirk and trying to hold back his laughter at how easily I got frightened. I looked at him with a face that basically said,"Shut up."
He just shook his head and told me to follow him, which I did. We finally got to his car and jut stayed silent until we reached his flat. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence; it was the kind you want to have with someone. It's the silence that you have when you realize you don't need to be talking to know that you are perfectly comfortable with that person.
"What's the news?" I asked curiously, wanting to know. He shook his head and said, "You never were patient when it came to my news, you know that? But I'll show you. It's more of a show-and-tell. I hope you'll like it!" That just made me even more impatient, but I just nodded, knowing he was right.
I grabbed all my things out of the trunk and followed Jake up to his flat. I was a little surprised to see an unfamiliar male sitting on his couch. I felt bad now. I made him leave his guest just so he could come get me at the train station.
'Dammit Phil, you always ruin everything. Don't you? You just go somewhere and fuck it all up. That's why Dan doesn't care that you're gone; he's probably out shagging some girl. He won't come looking for you or won't bother to phone you. You're so naive, Phil, you believe many things but you know that none of them are true.
Dan doesn't care; no one does. You're all alone. I hope you realize you're pathetic and worthless. It's no wonder you're all alone. Now don't you wish you'd just ended it all when things just were worse? Before you met Dan, you could've ended it all and not has to dealt with this. But no, you're a fucking pussy and coward.'
My thoughts were ruining my life. They never seemed to stop. I must have spaced out because Jake turned to me and asked, "Everything alright, Phil?" I nodded, feeling that if I started to talk, I would burst into tears. I feel bad now. I knew I should have come here…
"Phil, seriously are you okay? You're making me worried. Should I be worried? You took your pills today, right?"
"Yeah. I took them." Jake gave me a look.
"Ok, most of them." I admitted.
Jake raised an eyebrow.
"Half of them;" I said then sighed, realizing there was no point in lying, "Ok, I only took one. I just don't feel like myself when I'm on that many. Sorry Jake." I turned and looked at the man on the couch and said,"Hi I'm Phil. I am a friend of Jake's."
"I'm Dylan. It's nice to meet you. I'm Jake's boyfriend." I was in shock. All these years, I thought he was straight. I laughed, but then realized that it seemed rude and just stopped.
"Sorry. I just didn't ever think Jake was gay. I didn't mean to laugh."
Jake just looked at me with sympathy and Dylan looked at me like I was mental. Technically I was considered mental considering all the pills I had to take just to get through the day.
Jake gave me a look. It was a look I knew for years because of all the times he gave it to me. It was the "take-your-pills-now-or-else" look.
Jake was the only person outside of my family that knew. I never told Dan in fear that he would leave. The story… the infamous story of my shit life. The infamous story of how I tried to end it all during university.
_STORY OF PHIL'S ALMOST END_
I was just tired of dealing with everything. My family didn't want me when they found out I was gay. They found out in my freshman year of high school. All they cared about was the fact that their reputation would get damaged. So I kept it hidden for the world… until I found myself with a boyfriend.
My parents were disappointed and kept calling me these horrid names, so one night I decided to ease the pain. I had depression for about six years before junior year of university.
I had self harmed and tried to commit, but would never succeed. I needed a lot of pills. Pills for depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and pills for my bipolar disorder. I started taking pills and just kept cutting until I started to feel dizzy.
I walked down the stairs toward my parents. They looked up and seemed horrified. Their faces were full of sadness and confusion. That was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital and I was disappointed to find out I failed… again.
And now I'm here. To this day, I've never told anyone else about anything and I don't want to. I've hid it from so many people; it's never going to be told. I've still got depression and anxiety. But I take pills to get through the day. I've stopped taking them. I've started to get worse.
Jake noticed I was staring off into space and asked Dylan to leave so he could talk to me. Dylan said fine because he was tired and was off to bed anyways. As soon as Dylan left Jake asked me to tell him everything.
It was almost 1 in the morning before I got finished telling him everything. I told I'd stopped taking my pills and stopped going to therapy. He got mad at me for that. But I just couldn't handle it anymore.
By three in the morning, I headed off to bed and fell into a deep sleep full of nightmares...
~~NEXT DAY~~
I woke up at 13:00 and was all alone. I found a note taped to my door that said, "Went out. Home alone, be back at 20:00. -Jake&Dylan"
I was here alone with my thoughts. These next seven hours would not be pleasant. I couldn't trust myself to be alone, yet I didn't want to be around people.
My thoughts started to get worse. I started towards the knife cabinet, but stopped myself. To distract myself from these horrendous thoughts, I decided to go to the cinema near my flat. I left a note to let them know just incase I wasn't back before they were.
Little did I know, I would run into someone at the cinema. Someone I didn't have the urge to see.