I saw him there. No, no, not Dan. Dan doesn't do cinema dates. It was the man who ripped out my heart before Dan threw it in the shredder. He was there with her. The girl he thought was better. It was Jason. Jason and Alison.
Jason was the boy who showed me what it felt like to be with a guy… that way. I thought we were perfect together until he called me up and said he didn't want to he with me anymore. Said he found someone new, someone better. Alison was that someone better. So while Alison and Jason were having the time of their lives, I was stuck on the sideline, waiting to find someone to help.
They were the last in line at the cinema; I had no choice to go up and wait in line right behind them. I hoped and hoped that they wouldn't notice me, but today I was unlucky. As soon as I got in line, he turned around.
"Phil.…? Phil, is that you? Ali, you remember Phil right?" She nodded and I did the same. We were both trying to get out of the awkward situation, but Jason was super oblivious. You could cut the awkward tension with a knife. I started to feel uneasy. I came up with the best excuse I could think of in a short amount of time which was, "I forgot I have to get back home. I have a live show." Fortunately for me, he believed me. I left and just walked around 'til I got to the park.
Unfortunately for me, Dan was there. He was sitting on the swings holding hands with another girl. I wanted to crumple up into a ball and just let out all my emotions, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had to try and be strong. I had to get away before he noticed me.
It was a good attempt, but sadly, I failed. I tripped and fell. Clumsy Phil, clumsy, clumsy Phil. Dan turned around and saw me on the floor. He was walking over to me; although he was walking slowly, he got over to me just as I was getting up.
"Phil? What are you doing here?"
"Just out for a walk on a beautiful afternoon/evening. But I must go now. Goodbye, Dan."
I turned and walked away before he could even open his mouth to respond.
'Well today was eventful,' I thought, 'You're no good Phil. Why do you think Jason left? Why do you think Dan never chased after you?' I shook my head, trying to get the nasty thoughts to leave my brain.
I made it to Jake's flat in less than five hours, I have no idea how, but I did.
As soon as I opened the door, I was bombarded with questions from Jake.
"Where were you?" "What happened?" "Are you okay?" "Phil, did you do anything stupid?" "Why aren't you answering?" "Talk to me, goddamn it."
It was finally put to an end when Dylan said,"Let him be! God, Jake." And then he left. Like as in he left the flat. I looked at Jake with a confused look and then began answering his questions.
"1. I was out. 2. Nothing bad. Just ran into people I didn't want to run into. 3. I'm fine. 4. I wasn't answering because you kept talking."
I took in a massive breath because saying all that in one breath is very difficult. "Now, I have a question for you. What's up with you and Dylan? Why is he mad?" Jake tried to brush off my questions with a shrug, but I looked at him and said, "Nope not this time. Tell me what happened."
"Ugh, fine Phil. He's upset because he says that I spend most of the days worrying about you instead of paying attention to him. I told him that we're practically brothers and I was told to worry about you. He didn't want to hear any of it. He doesn't want you here, Phil. I told him that I can't let you go back to that heartbreaker. He's mad and he said that as long as you're still here, he'll be mad."
I took in a deep breath. So it really was my fault. "Are you oaky, Phil?" I nodded, fearing that if I spoke my voice would show how I actually felt.
"I'm going to go. I'm gonna get my stuff and leave as soon as I can, okay? I don't want you and Dylan to break up because of me. Can I just stay here for the night?"
Jake nodded and I went to my "room". I locked the door because I didn't want to be disturbed at all tonight. I would leave early in the morning. I knew today was going to be a bad day.
I walked over to the box that held them. The shiny metal blades. I couldn't stand it. I hated how they had this effect on me; it felt like they were always calling out to me, making me feel as if they were the only choice. As I was walking towards them, I felt this darkness over me. It made things worse.
My thoughts were getting louder. I put headphones in and turned it up to the loudest setting yet the thoughts seemed to be louder. The metal ran over my skin a few times. I saw the crimson red blood poor onto the stained towel I had. Jake was pounding on the door. Luckily I knew he couldn't get in. I ran the metal deeper into my arm, making the blood poor out faster. I was feeling dizzier with each cut. The last thing I remember before blacking out was Dylan opening the door and yelling for Jake to call 999.
~~Few hours later~~
I woke up in a bright white room. I felt as if I was being blinded. I really hoped that I had succeeded, but when I looked around, I noticed that someone else was in the room. To my surprise, it was Dylan.
"Dylan…? What are you doing here?"
"Phil… you tried killing yourself and you care about why I'm here?" I nodded because I thought the guy hated me. "I stayed while Jake went to call Dan. I know what it's like to be here, believe it or not. I was you once. Except I didn't cut, I OD'ed."
"Why didn't it work?" I thought I mumbled softly enough so Dylan couldn't hear, but he heard.
"It didn't work because you're not supposed to be gone yet. You still have an amazing life ahead of you."
"No, I really don't. I honestly don't. The boy I love never will love me. The boy I thought was perfect for me broke my heart. My parents hate me because I'm gay. I wasn't supposed to be here. I really wasn't. I don't belong here. I'm tired. Tired of living and waiting. We're born to live, but we live to die." Dylan shook his head. He opened his mouth to reply when Dan came rushing in.
"Phil! Phil, look at me. Speak to me."
I couldn't look at the man who was breaking my heart everyday. I looked at Dylan, but all he could do was give me a look of sympathy. It was then I realized that Dylan was holding my hand. 'When did he grab my hand?' I thought.
Dan followed my gaze to Dylan, then to our linked hands, and then to me. "Who the fuck are you, mate? Why are you holding Phil's hand?"
"I'm Dylan. You must be Dan. But I'm holding Phil's hand because he needs support. Don't worry, I'm not his boyfriend. I'm with Jake." Dan looked slightly relived that Dylan wasn't my boyfriend, but Dan still looked jealous when Dylan hadn't let go of my hand.
"Dan, why are you here?" I asked after the long silence. He looked at me as if I asked the stupidest question ever.
"I'm here because my best friend tried to kill himself."
"You don't have to stay. I bet you probably have a date tonight. Just go. I'll be fine, I swear."
"Phil…"
"Go."
And he left. As soon as he was gone, I started sobbing. Through my sobs, I choked out, "They're sending me to the loony bin, aren't they?" Dylan nodded his head. "They will keep you for a maximum of ten days. And then you can come back to mine and Jake's flat."
"But… you don't want me there. You never did. Jake told me."
"At first, I admit that I didn't like having you there because Jake would pay a lot of attention to you. Now I understand why he did. I do have a question. Why did you stop taking your meds?"
"I didn't feel like myself with them. I didn't want them. Don't make me take anymore." While Dylan was saying that I need to, Jake came in. His face was solemn.
"They're gonna take you now. I just had to sort some stuff out with the nurses and Dan."
I nodded and got ready to go. I had to "get better" just so people didn't feel the need to look after me.
~~psych ward~~
I looked back at Jake and Dylan.
"See you soon?"
They both nodded with tears in their eyes. As I was pulled into the ward, I saw them slowly walking away. Every few seconds they would look back.
I had to get better for them. For me. For… him.