It was brilliantly sunny. And so it should be. Because today was the day Lewis graduated high school. The world should be celebrating. Cal's wee boy was actually a grown-up man now and he was headed off to college to study electrical engineering and it felt a bit unfair, that Cal only got him for a third of his life; a mere blip on the radar. Cal wanted more time; that would be fantastic. Lewis was a great guy and Cal enjoyed being with him very much. He was proud, of course he was proud, that Lewis was graduating (second in his class too!) but he was also sad. He was going to miss the munchkin. This was much harder than saying goodbye to Emily had been. Which was a terrible thing to think or say about his kids but really... it was the truth.
And this was just his graduation. Cal didn't actually have to say goodbye yet.
Owen was currently still in class, which left Cal and Gillian to sit together amongst the crowd of parents as they fare-welled the senior class. There was no boyfriend to have to make small talk with and no ex-wife for some awkward moments. It was just the two of them. And it suddenly struck Cal that in five years when Owen finished school too, then it really would just be the two of them. Whoa.
"Can you believe this?" Gillian murmured against Cal's ear, keeping her voice down because a speech was being made by the school's principal. Her hand slid into the slight gap between his back and chair and when there wasn't naturally room for her fingers there, she made it. Cal turned to look at her. "He's grown up," she added.
It was easy to spot Lewis in the crowd. Even though he didn't wear hearing aids on the tops of his ears anymore, not now that his ears had actually stopped growing and he had upgraded to a much more sophisticated smaller model that nestled inside the cone of his ear, he had picked the brightest red he could find, so that when he turned his head they glinted in the sunlight. He wasn't ashamed of his hearing aids anymore. He loved them. He loved that they made him different and they made him popular. Or they helped make him popular. Lewis was popular anyway.
Cal took his wife's other hand, her left. The new diamond ring on her third finger also caught the sunlight and sparkled. Cal loved that while his munchkin, his wee man, his baby boy, had grown up and was leaving home to go to university, his wife would still be there. After twenty years of marriage he was more than secure with knowing his wife would always be there. "It's not so hard to believe," Cal told her and she raised an eyebrow imperceptibly to encourage him to explain what he meant. "Lewis has been right here for a while now." Gillian's expression was pensive. "It's you and me that probably weren't quite ready." Her expression softened again and spread into a smile, her way of agreeing with him. Cal pressed a kiss against her forehead and caught the scent of her shampoo for a second before he pulled away again.
"I might cry," Cal suddenly added, turning to check on Lewis again, who was busy talking away through the speech without even having to open his mouth and make a sound. Cheeky little git. "Just thought I should warn you," Cal went on.
"I brought tissues," Gillian responded and she didn't even sound like she was teasing, but Cal knew that deadpan tone so well by now. Oh how she indulged him, how she played along. Brilliant.
Cal shifted his arm to put around Gillian's shoulders and she leaned further into him. He took her left hand with his right on this occasion and she brushed her thumb against the back of his hand a few times. They went back to listening to the speech, which Cal readily admitted was boring. At one point Lewis turned around and started searching the crowd. He had gotten much more like his brother in the last few years; more extroverted and taking life less seriously (without the carelessness Owen sometimes exhibited). After the pregnancy scare of a few months ago, and it was a scare, Hollie's blood test had come back negative (and oh the relief of that!), Lewis had really loosened up. Cal supposed he couldn't blame him really. The kid had dodged a bullet. They all had.
It had been a seriously tense week while they waited for the results. Lewis fretted and Cal felt like his heart was borderline for a seizure at any moment. Gillian wasn't even supposed to know so that added a whole other weird kind of dimension to the situation and every night before she and Cal fell into fitful sleep, they made plans. Thank goodness it turned out they had all stressed over nothing.
Cal raised his hand from Gillian's to wave at his son, who was still looking around. The movement caught Lewis's eye and he waved back with a grin. Then he signed 'how' and pointed in their direction. Cal gave him a 'thumbs up' and caught Gillian doing the same out of the corner of his eye. Lewis gave a bigger grin and gave 'a thumbs' up as well; he was well excited to be finishing with high school. Then he turned around again.
Lightman was right in the middle of the alphabet which was perfect for boredom levels, even though there were an unprecedented number of kids in Lewis's class with a surname beginning with 'T'. So Cal kept himself entertained by tracing letters on the inside of his wife's palm and she would guess what he was saying by signing the answer to him. Seriously, learning to sign was the best boredom buster Cal had ever come across. It was far less rude than playing games on his phone and much more subtle. That was also true of having a sleep. And going for a walk. Of course, the signing did work better with a friend to play with.
And once it was over and the valedictorian had made his speech and all the graduates had thrown their caps to the air with a great cheer, and there was applause and everyone had their diplomas, Cal and Gillian waited for Lewis to find them at their pre-designated meeting place. The sun was warm but not uncomfortable and in a rare moment Cal was actually enjoying it. He felt a little strange, like how he felt when he was depressed, and it had been so long since he'd felt that way he almost didn't want to believe it. But his son had just graduated high school and so that wasn't something to be depressed about; that was something to feel really good about. Cal was hanging on to Gillian for dear life. He hadn't cried after all but Gillian had, and there was that compounded feeling of wanting to make everything ok for his wife again and feeling like he was slowly losing his grip. He couldn't. Lewis would leave. Why was this so hard?
PJ
Gillian's hand smoothed through the hair at Cal's temple as they lay in the dark. That was the good side of his head, the side without the scar, and it also happened to be the side of his head exposed as he lay against his pillow in the middle of the bed and Gillian lay next to him, in mirror image, their torsos pressed together in an embrace, arms holding gently. "How are you doing?" Gillian murmured.
"I don't know," Cal admitted. "It's not goodbye yet but it feels like a really big door is closin'."
"It is," Gillian admitted.
"Yeah," Cal sighed a little. "How are you doin'?"
"I want to cry. But you're right, it's not goodbye yet."
They had the entire summer together before Lewis would get on a plane to Massachusetts.
Cal gave a pout in the dark that Gillian didn't see but her hand trailed down the edge of his face to cup around his cheek and jaw and she must have known. "It's not forever," she noted.
"No," Cal agreed.
"And we can go up and visit. You can go and visit."
"Yeah I know. I'm just gonna miss him."
"Me too," Gillian agreed.
"Havin' him around all the time. Askin' those probin' questions."
Gillian gave a little laugh.
"And you know I'm not even worried about him goin'?"
"You taught him well. He's happy and confident and excited to learn."
"Yeah," Cal agreed and actually, yeah, he had done a good job this time. No, they had done a good job with Lewis. He was a smart responsible young man. That wasn't to say he wasn't going to go up to Massachusetts and go to parties, he probably would. But Cal knew he would be smart about it. He'd still study. He knew an opportunity when he saw one and he knew getting into MIT was a big deal, not something to be wasted. Lewis wanted the most out of life and he had an admirable way of balancing out the fun with the serious. He knew when to put his head down and study his ass off and yet he still managed to go out with his friends. A part of Cal actually wished he was like Lewis. Or that he had been like Lewis when he was the same age.
"I can feel your brain processing away," Gillian murmured. Her hand moved to press against his skull for a moment before it shifted to snake under his arm so she could embrace him.
"I'm thinkin' about your son. What a good man he turned out to be."
"Your son," Gillian retorted softly. She gave him a fierce hug then loosened off again. "My baby," she pouted. "I don't want him to go," she complained.
"Can't keep him here foreva," Cal pointed out.
"Why does he have to go so far away?"
"Cos he's brilliant and got into the best school for his chosen career."
"Oh that," Gillian sighed.
"Yep that," Cal agreed. MIT was all Lewis's idea. He suddenly decided at fifteen that he was going to study electronics, which had moved into electrical engineering and he had applied for all the best colleges. He had got into quite a few of them too, but his main focus had been MIT and he had got in there much to his delight. Lewis had really blossomed in the last few years. He was nice to be around. That was why he was so popular at school, amongst his friends.
"Can we congratulate ourselves for a job well done?" Cal asked.
"Hm," Gillian mused but she didn't sound entirely light-hearted. She cleared her throat and Cal wondered if she was upset. He couldn't sense her crying, no tell-tale breath holding, shaking, sudden temperature rises or subtle tear wipes. "I think we should wait for college to be over. You never know. He might fall off the rails completely."
"O ye of little faith," Cal accused.
"You can't honestly tell me you can look back on your years at college and tell me you were a saint the entire time."
"No I wasn't," Cal easily admitted. "Wasn't even a saint from day one. But we're not talkin' about me. We're more likely talkin' about you."
Gillian hmphed to that.
"Was there eva a time when you thought you might not graduate?"
"No but I could put up my hand now and say that there were times back then where I might have fallen off the rails a little."
"Mitigatin' circumstances," Cal appeased, referring to the problems she'd had with the lingering legacy of her father. "Lewis doesn't have those. At least, I hope he doesn't have those," he added quickly. There were circumstances there, from when Lewis was very little, but Cal hoped they had been largely forgotten and ineffective.
Gillian's fingers dug into the back of his kidney a little. "No," she agreed. "Lewis is happy and adjusted."
"That's what I tell myself too."
"I think he's ok," Gillian mused. There was a slight pause. "I'm going to ask him."
Cal gave a chuckle. "What's he gonna say to that? No Mum I'm a complete fuck up?"
Gillian pushed against his waist to half roll him away, then pulled him close against her again. "I don't know. Doesn't every parent feel like they did a good job?"
"I suppose they do," Cal agreed. "Or at least the ones that live in denial do."
"You're mean."
"I'm answerin' a serious question with a serious ansa," Cal countered. "There are heaps of parents out there that figa they did the best they could and that should be good enough. Or they hope for the best. I should know, cos that's how I used to be. Unconscious parentin'. And then I had children with you and suddenly it was all about doin' what was best for the kid and bein' aware of stuff and actively parentin' and payin' attention and listenin' to them and gently nudgin'... Readin' books and articles and all sorts of touchy feely stuff," he let his tone go purposefully between disbelieving and complaint. Cal shifted his head to kiss her, soft and sweet. "You did a good job."
"You did a good job," Gillian murmured back, her hand in his hair again.
"I was mere support crew to a bang up first class act."
Gillian laughed and Cal grinned even though it was dark and kissed her again. "Give yourself more credit. You did a lot more than you seem to think."
"Hm," Cal started to object.
"No, I demand it," Gillian insisted, but her hand was soft against him and her tone didn't quite have the edge of anger.
"I cave, I cave," Cal whispered and she kissed him again. He was pleased she seemed to think so highly of his parenting skills. High praise when it came from Gillian. He was right when he said she had made him pay attention to being a parent to his sons and as a result he actually really enjoyed both of the boys; bright Lewis and mischievous Owen. Not to say Owen wasn't also bright and Lewis mischievous. Cal had tried this time around, really tried and he wanted to say that he thought he did a good job. He was, at least, proud of all of his children. Only this time could he feel responsible for two thirds of them.
Gillian gave a little hum and wrapped her arm around her husband's neck, keeping him nice and secure against her. Comforting. Grounding. And humble too it seemed. He always felt like he could do more, be better. Which was nice, but sometimes he just didn't see how far he had really come. He was only an arrogant prick at work, which was apparently just a front or a strong confidence in something that no one else had. It was his science after all; he was the pioneer. He had to believe in it when no one else would otherwise it would have never come to fruition. Gillian shifted to press a kiss against the side of his head. "I love you."
"I love you too," Cal's voice came in the darkness immediately.
There was a light tap at their bedroom door and it cracked open. And then a little bit more until a shaggy brown head appeared in the light created in the hallway overhead. "Are you awake?" Lewis asked in a stage whisper.
"Yeah buddy," Cal leaned up on a hand so Lewis could see him, in case he hadn't heard him, moving away from Gillian.
"Oh cool. Just letting you know I'm home now." He moved his grouped fingers from by his mouth closer to his ear.
"Thanks," Cal told him.
"Did you have a good time?" Gillian asked. She used 'fun'.
"Yeah it was cool," Lewis agreed.
"Goodnight," Gillian said next.
"Night. Love you guys." Lewis formed the 'ILY' sign.
"Love you too luv," Cal responded while Gillian said good night as well. The door closed softly again and the light went out and Gillian was blinded once more, her eyes having to readjust to the change in light. They could hear Lewis go down the stairs to his room in the front of the house, because the third step down had a squeak. That was handy for any sneaking around. Cal lay down again, on his back this time, and Gillian leaned against him, her head on his shoulder, her hand over his heart. "Your son," Cal murmured.
Gillian smiled. "Yours," she retorted.