Cal pushed the half-sized trolley with one hand and hung on to Gillian's fingers with the other. She reached for a packet of coffee from the shelf and dropped it with the rest of their groceries. Or really, these were Cal's groceries and she was... tagging along for the sake of it? He had said he needed to go grocery shopping and for some reason, Gillian wasn't sure why, she had got into the car with him and now she was helping him gather food like they were living together or something. Now there was a thought. Them living together.

Gillian felt Cal's hand tighten against hers and she looked over at him and he was watching her. She must have... been staring into space or something to alert him. She gave him a smile and leaned against his arm as they silently made their way down to the end of the aisle and hung a right to round the corner into the next.

Practically-midnight shopping was actually kind of nice. There was no one around; the parking lot and the store were just about empty. So they didn't have to jostle someone for food or sigh their way through a screaming baby or toddler, although, Gillian might not have minded that so much... She knew it drove Cal insane. He bitched about it. Gillian had personally not shopped so late. The shelves were being stacked but this aisle, like the last, was empty and it felt a bit like they were the only people alive on the planet. Being with Cal often felt like that. He had a way of making her feel like she was his entire world when he wanted to; when he wasn't with his daughter also.

Cereal aisle. Gillian, was, unsurprisingly a sweet cereal eater. And Cal, who usually just had coffee in the morning, complained she was corrupting Emily to eating more junk food. So he reached for something full of bran with no sugar and then turned to Gillian, almost daring her to say something. "Can I pick one for me?" Gillian asked politely.

"Do you think you deserve it?"

"Hmmm," Gillian stepped closer to the shelf, closer to him. "Let's see. What did I do for you this morning that you can't do for yourself?"

Cal gave a sudden grin.

"Does that mean I deserve cereal?"

"I dunno," Cal mused. "I let you have cereal, the next thing I know you've got a toothbrush in my bathroom and your undawear unda my bed." He paused for a micro second. "Oh wait... you already do."

Gillian gave his shoulder a little push and he took a step backwards. He let go of the trolley but their hands were still joined. Gillian tried reaching around him but he blocked her way easily. She pouted at him. "Please?"

"That's cute but nope. Emily will eat it anyway and then she'll toddle off to school all hyped up on suga."

"I'll hide it."

"Unda your pillow?" Cal shot back.

"Such a good Daddy," Gillian teased. Then she sobered her face and tone. "But such a lousy boyfriend."

"Ouch," Cal feigned hurt. "That's harsh. Don't forget what I did for you this evenin'." He gave a slight smile and Gillian found herself returning it for a second. Because yeah, they were midnight shopping because they'd spent the actual evening in bed, before venturing out again.

"Buy your girlfriend sugar," Gillian demanded.

"You'll rot your teeth," Cal countered.

"No seriously," Gillian told him. "Buy me some damn cereal."

"Eat that cereal," Cal told her, gesturing to the box already in the cart.

"I don't like that one," Gillian pouted again. "Why are you being so difficult?"

"Me!" Cal feigned more surprise but Gillian suspected he was actually being stubborn on purpose. It felt less like teasing. It felt like he was trying to make a stand.

And so she decided she wasn't going to argue. It was cereal. Gillian was pretty sure there would be better things to pick a fight over. Choose her battles. But it didn't hurt a little. More than she thought it would. It had been all fun so far. The toothbrush was for convenience. So were the clothes. So Gillian supposed Cal didn't mind that so much. He didn't like her sneaking out early in the morning to go home and shower and get ready for work. So that made sense. But yeah, the cereal. Sure, that was maybe pushing it. Before he was ready.

And then Gillian started to wonder what it was she wanted from Cal. Not cereal but certainly... something more. The cereal symbolised... what exactly? Them getting serious? Probably not but something. It certainly seemed to mean something. Something like... Ugh no, she didn't know because she didn't know what to think, she only knew how she felt, and that was she was having fun with Cal and that she liked spending time with him a lot, that he was fantastic in bed and she enjoyed seeing sides to him he obviously never showed anyone else. But where were they headed exactly? They had never talked about marriage and where else was it that any relationship headed to? If it wasn't marriage or an equivalent then what was the point? That one certainly warranted a lot more thought. She was just out of a divorce. Never mind what weird game Cal was playing tonight, what kind of game was she playing? Why was the cereal so important to her?

Gillian tugged on Cal's hand and he stepped closer obligingly, closing the foot of distance between them. She pressed her lips against his in a slightly more than a mere peck kind of kiss, then stepped away, letting his hand go. "Ok," she conceded lightly and pushed the trolley forward again to move on, but found Cal's hand on her hip. He turned her around, so her back was to the row of cereal boxes this time.

"Get it if you want," he told her.

"It doesn't matter," she countered, aware they were sounding like a cliché. More aware they were having a quasi argument in the middle of the cereal aisle at quarter to midnight. She thought about telling him it 'wasn't about the cereal' but stopped herself, because that was hilarious! She was feeding into all kinds of hidden issues she didn't even know existed. What was apparent was that she needed to figure out what she wanted from her relationship with Cal and then maybe she could explain why the cereal was even a big deal, if she could work it out, and then maybe, she could stop acting like an insecure girlfriend and go back to having fun. Fun worked for them very well.

"If you want it," he tried again and she could see that he could see he had struck a nerve, even if he couldn't quite figure out which one, and was trying to make it right again.

She gave him a smile, an amused smile, because this was funny. This was her and Cal, who had known each other for so long before even stepping forward in their relationship; they already knew each other's bullshit, even if it wasn't quite in this setting.

"No Cal," Gillian told him.

"I'm supposed to want to get it?"

Yes.

But she was expecting the question and so she was able to school her face consciously to give him a genuine 'no' and a smile, remind herself that she was happy and cereal was inconsequential and she was having fun, having fun, with Cal and that was all she really wanted. That got her through his intense gaze and then the thoughts about wanting more rushed back in when he turned away again, to give the trolley another shove forward. Those kinds of thoughts scared her, let alone letting Cal see them.

Gillian stepped in behind him and he stopped suddenly, reaching for her hand again. He pulled her tight against his chest and kissed her, properly, warmly, but still aware that they were in a public place, even if it was mostly deserted. Before Gillian could push him away for too much intimate display, he broke the kiss off, reached out with his hand for a box of chocolately something and tossed it into the cart. "I want to get it," he told her and pushed forward again, this time not waiting for her.

Gillian watched him walk away, that cute ass of his and the little strut that showed when he was feeling cocky. Did he know because he could read her face? Or had he independently come to the same conclusion she had?

PJ

Cal put out the light and settled on his back. Gillian was on his left and as his eyes adjusted to the severely diminished light, he could see the vague outline of her profile against the adjacent pillow. It was two in the morning now and yet he still felt a little wired. Or at least, while his eyes burned with needing to rest, and this is what kept him from putting the light back on, his brain was still wide awake. "Gill," Cal started and leaned up on an elbow against the mattress. He saw her head turn towards him but he couldn't make out the features of her face. He could picture her expression though, curious and open.

The cereal bothered him and he didn't entirely know why. It was just cereal. And Gillian had a toothbrush there and clothes. Maybe it was because those things were necessities and the cereal was not? It was certainly not about Emily, though she didn't need encouragement. It was... It was Gillian becoming part of his life in a way that a toothbrush and a few clothes didn't. The toothbrush and clothes meant she wasn't going to go home at night or in the early morning. So that was ok. Because Cal wanted to be with her as much as he could when he had to keep it all restrained during the day. No one knew yet.

But the cereal...

He had just about fully freaked in the supermarket. She was pushing them to be more, a couple, and, he should have been bothered by the fact that she had actually gone grocery shopping with him in the first place, all nicely domesticated, not get bogged down over breakfast foods. What was wrong with him? Seriously.

"I'm sorry for diggin' my heels in ova cereal," Cal spoke again. God he wished he could put the light back on, or that he had started this conversation in the morning when he could see her face. Somehow it seemed important to do it now. Emily had only just talked to him about this, pushing Gillian away or not even letting her get close. What was he afraid of? That he might actually like having a girlfriend? There wasn't anything bad left to discover about Gillian. He already knew the worst. So, what was he afraid of?

"It's not a big deal Cal," Gillian told him. "It's just cereal."

"No," Cal corrected. Maybe it wasn't a big deal for her but it was for him. "It is. It's..." and he stopped to think. He didn't know what to say. "It represents," he tried again. "Somethin'," he muttered. He tilted his head back, feeling strange inside and mostly, so incredibly out of his depth, and irrationally afraid that he had done something now that was going to scare Gillian away. She knew his bad things too, and they were worse than her bad things. She had, at least, dealt with her bad things. And he had not.

"I'm really shit at this kind of thing," Cal admitted.

"Talking?" Gillian's voice sounded like it was teasing.

"Yeah," Cal confirmed. "And relationships."

"Cal you have relationships all the time."

"Well, not with women."

"Sure you do. There's the one you have with your daughter. There's the one you have with your ex-wife."

Cal really did not know what to make of that comment.

"And there's the one you have with me."

"We're in a relationship?"

"Of course we are," she went on as if it were obvious. "We're business partners. And we're friends."

She didn't have to add 'and now we're lovers'.

"And they both work don't they?" Gillian added gently.

Well, that was technically true. But as Emily said, he had to let Gillian get in, closer, on this side of the wall. He just wasn't entirely sure how to go about that.

"Don't they?" Gillian prompted. "Or am I the only one who thinks so?"

Cal mumbled something in agreement and lay down again. He had always considered himself lucky when it came to Gillian. But right now, in this moment, he really considered himself lucky. Surely she knew what he'd done at the supermarket. He'd told her to fuck off out of his life. Instead of her going home, which would have really made a point, she had stayed and she had carried on as if she wasn't bothered, which Cal definitely thought she would be, but she wasn't, or was hiding it very well.

To be fair, they'd never actually had a conversation about where any of this was actually going. Girlfriend/boyfriend was a given. But what about them living together? Or... heaven forbid, marriage?

"Do you want to get married?" Cal blurted into the dark silence.

There was a beat before Gillian said "What!" rather sharply. She levered herself up on her elbow this time. "Are you?"

"No," Cal quickly objected. "No, no," he stuttered, a sharp spike of adrenaline making his heart beat faster and heat prickle outwards like a ripple across his chest. "I just meant, did I mention I'm crap at talkin' about stuff?" He didn't wait for an answer. "I just wonda-ed, do you want marriage out of this? Do you think about it?"

Gillian was silent for a moment and Cal wished for a god damned spotlight. The silence got longer and Cal went from curious for an answer to panicked wondering. Was she thinking about it? She must be thinking about her answer.

"I," Gillian started. "Haven't actually thought about it before now," she admitted slowly as if the words were taking a long time to form in her mouth. "I don't know what I want out of this relationship."

Cal actually had a thought about being hurt by that. But did that mean he wanted her to say 'yes I want to marry you one day Cal'? Or was it more that she hadn't thought about their future at all. Geeze did he want to marry her?

"I mean, you're my best friend. Whatever happens from now, I would never want to lose you in that capacity."

"Me eitha," Cal agreed. He reached for her hand and she gripped it tightly.

"I like what we have," Gillian went on tentatively. "Really like it. And yeah I'd like us to move forward but I'm not talking about marriage necessarily. I've just been married and... Rings on fingers and documents don't make a relationship more... more..." She paused. "Stable or committed." And she sounded a little bitter.

Cal disagreed with that one. And he wasn't saying he didn't want to be stable or committed to Gillian, but he wasn't sure he could do marriage again. Even though his relationship with Zoe was completely different from his relationship with Gillian, from day freaking one, he still wasn't sure he could do it again. Once burnt, twice shy?

"At this point I don't think either of us are ready," Gillian went on.

"I'm not askin'," Cal reiterated.

"I'd have to say, I'm surprised you brought it up."

"A guy can't talk about marriage?" Cal shot back.

"No I just half figured you'd never get married again."

"I think that's true."

"Ok."

"Is that all right though? There's..." he hesitated.

"Go on," Gillian urged softly.

"I just mean, if we want different things in the end then should we... keep... if we're not in the same boat?"

"You mean we should quit it now before you start buying my brand of toothpaste?"

Cal gave a slight chuckle despite himself. He felt hot and cold at the same time. How was it she knew what he was thinking? The thought of losing her scared him shitless. He actually wanted to see how far they could take it. To see if they would last. To see how badly he could fall in love and whether he would be able to break the surface again or just completely drown in her. Now that was scary. And so it was that thought that also made him want to run a million miles in the other direction, to not get her cereal, to not give her any indication that she was having an effect on him, because he had built that wall very carefully and it was strong, not easily torn down.

"I don't want marriage Cal," Gillian went on when it was clear he was treating her question as rhetorical. "I want... open communication and loyalty and all the things anyone with self respect wants out of a relationship."

Which meant she didn't want him to break her heart. Were they talking about love already? Cal supposed it wasn't unreasonable. He had feelings for her he wasn't sure what the hell they were and he could only think to call them love. And like Gillian said, they were best friends, they had already had a long relationship. It wouldn't be irrational to talk about love at this point. But still... As a couple they were still new. And he really did have a lot of shit to sort out before he became responsible for her heart.

Self-respect meant a lot of things. Like loyalty and honesty but also patience and assertiveness and no game playing. It meant being strong for another person. It meant letting that other person cry on their shoulder. It meant encouragement and unrelenting faith. Self-respect meant having a partner, the support and security, without being dependent, without losing themselves in the other, without settling. Sometimes Cal wasn't really sure he even had faith in himself. Probably a really good time to start. If he didn't want to lose her. And he knew one thing for sure, even if all the rest of it was confusing, he didn't want to lose her.

"What do you want?" Gillian asked when, again, the silence went on too long.

What Cal thought was: I want to love you. What he meant was: I want to be worthy enough of your love and to love you the best way that I possibly can, the best way you deserve. What he said was 'I want that too' and Gillian leaned down to give him a quick kiss and then she settled on her side of the bed again and went quiet while Cal's mind went into over drive. He pushed himself up again and Gillian's head shifted to see him. "I just wanna be clear," he spoke again. "That I'm in. You know. Committed and whateva. To you and me. Just... it's not just a fling. It's... you and me, this is somethin'. It means somethin'."

Gillian was silent for a moment and Cal settled back on his pillow, his heart beating a little funny, but, interestingly, starting to calm down again. "Me too," Gillian told him softly, her hand coming to rest over his heart.