Cal was a really good kisser. Really good. And Gillian found sometimes she spent quite a bit of time thinking about kissing him, or him kissing her, or just him. She was still falling. Falling, falling, head over heels. It scared her, how far and how fast she fell. She wanted to find the bottom, so she could regain her footing; so she could father herself again. Their first anniversary was coming up soon and Gillian also thought about how they might celebrate. Cal wasn't really one for expressing how he felt, but he did love her and so that had to count for something. Besides, it was a year. A whole year of them. Together. That was certainly worth noting. And surely he wouldn't object if they went out for a meal or something? They did that without an occasion. And so maybe it wasn't a big deal if he didn't buy her a present. If she wanted something in particular, she went out to get it herself. He didn't tend to buy her anything really, flowers or chocolate or other empty tokens. She didn't care much for material goods anyway. In the grand scheme of things they weren't important. Not as important as how she felt him about Cal. Or how he felt about her.

They were living together now and so there was no more sneaking to the other's place and having to pack bags and make sure there was a change of clothes. And everyone knew about them as well and it had almost been a year. A whole entire year of being with Cal. Gillian could feel things changing. They were cementing. They were getting serious. But she wasn't scared and more than anything she was relieved to see that neither was Cal. She would freely admit to reading his face, and thank god he was letting that mask down more and more. Because she needed to see. She needed to know. And she didn't want to ruin it by asking him, by having one of those annoying talks about 'feelings', or anything else he might shy away from.

Gillian looked up at herself in the bathroom mirror suddenly. That wasn't right. She was doing that? It suddenly struck her. She wasn't pushing for what she wanted because she was afraid he might... Well if he was Alec, she would fear he would go back to the drugs and if Cal were her father she was afraid that she might push him back to drinking. Gillian gripped the edge of the sink, her knees suddenly feeling weak and air was harder to get into her lungs. She was her mother.

She fought to not be her mother.

And then Gillian pushed herself to stand on her own two feet, something she had been doing since she was fourteen, and had finally had enough. She was in charge of her own life and no one else was going to make it for her. She would never have gotten her doctorate if she hadn't pushed herself. She would never have even gone into business with Cal if she hadn't talked herself into taking that leap of faith. Gillian squared her shoulders and lowered her chin in determination. Cal was not going to walk out on her because she asked him for something that she needed. He was not that kind of man. He was not her father and he was not Alec. And if he was, well then, as much as she loved him, if he was going to behave like that? Then she was better off.

Cal was already in bed. Gillian turned out the bathroom light and closed the door. She headed around the bed to her side and slipped beneath the covers. Cal was reading, something, that looked like a journal article. But that couldn't be right because he didn't actually give a toss what the rest of the world was up to. She did like the look of him in his reading glasses. Gillian slid across the mattress towards him and smoothed a hand over his bare chest. Did she want something? Yes. She wanted him to kiss her.

He turned his head and gave her a slight smile. "All right?"

"Mh hmm," Gillian hummed and shifted in closer, propping herself up on an arm to reach his mouth. She pressed her lips against his. She felt his arm shift, the drop of the magazine against the bedspread, his hand at the back of her skull.

What's that for? Was not a question Cal asked. He tossed the magazine to the floor and turned into her body and pressed against her. Parting his lips a little, encouraging her to do the same. Gillian liked how he kissed. So much. And mostly she liked that he never turned her away. Just like she would never turn him away.

"Wait," Cal murmured and drew back a little. His eyes were clear behind his glasses. "You smell different."

"I what?" Gillian responded, confused.

"You smell different," Cal repeated leaning into her neck and brushing his nose against her skin. It made her squirm and she figured he was just being funny but when he pulled away again his face was serious and his eyes were not laughing. "Why'd you smell different?"

"I don't know," Gillian answered.

"Where's the vanilla?" He leaned in again, breathing deeply against her shoulder.

Oh. Her body wash.
"I used something different."

It was kind of strange being sniffed.

"I don't like it," Cal announced.

"It's mango and..."

"Nope," he cut her off. "I like the vanilla." And this time there was a lewd grin.

Gillian felt a flutter of something in her stomach. "I still have some of the vanilla left," she told him as though she was saying 'don't worry, I know where the secret escape hatch is located', 'don't worry, I have a little stash of food and water that will see us through', 'don't worry, I've organised a private plane to fly us out of this mess'.

"Brilliant. Where'd the mango come from?"

"It was a Christmas present," Gillian countered.

"From whom?" Cal queried in disgust.

"My nieces, but you'd know that if you'd come to Christmas with me this year."

Cal's face went serious again. "Well that was passive aggressive."

But Gillian had also heard exactly how she sounded just now. She rolled away from him, onto her back, with a sigh, and placed a hand over her eyes, like a sun shield, as she closed them. "I know," she nearly whispered. "I didn't mean for it to come out like that at all."

She felt Cal shift and when she opened her eyes he was resting his hip against hers and his hand was coming up to her elbow. He tugged her hand away from her eyes and gave her a sincere expression, so much more serious with his glasses on. "All right then. How did you mean it?"

Gillian swallowed. She hadn't quite had the chance to think this through. But this was what she was talking about, backing away from a conversation that could be difficult because she was afraid of shoving Cal away. Here he was asking her. And so she had to be careful with what said, not because she might offend him, but because she should communicate and not be a bitch about it. "I really wanted to spend Christmas with you this year."

"You could have," Cal countered. He was home with Emily for half the day, but that had coincided with Gillian's family Christmas get together and they had both already committed to each social event long before they had really started a relationship. Gillian wanted to be with Cal but he wouldn't budge on the time with Emily and Gillian wouldn't begrudge him it either. But that didn't mean she didn't want to be with him either.

"I didn't know it bothered me so much," Gillian gave a little frown.

Cal watched her impassively for a moment. "We'll have New Years togetha," he pointed out.

"I know," Gillian agreed. And she was going to love it. Because Cal had already reluctantly agreed to going to Ria's New Year's Eve party. She brought up a hand to run through his hair. He gave her a slight smile.

"But that's not it?" He pushed gently.

"I wanted to show you off to my family."

"Ah I see," Cal noted. He leaned up to give her a kiss and Gillian melted a little. "That's important to you, yeah?"

"Yeah," Gillian agreed. And it was time. She hadn't been hiding Cal but she had bought a house with him and her family hadn't met him yet. Which went against polite familial rules, according to her mother.

Cal gave a nod but he didn't make promises and Gillian had to give him credit for not immediately saying he would do something he didn't want to do, or wasn't ready to do, just to placate her. And Gillian supposed she would just have to wait and see. He often came around, but in his own time, and at least then, when he did, it came from a place of genuiness, and not some bull shit attempt to simply appease their relationship. And she liked that about him, about them.

So her niece Arianna had a birthday coming up and Gillian had already accepted an invitation to the six year olds party. And maybe she would mention it to Cal and see if he was ready then, to go with her, and meet her family. But that could wait. Right now, Gillian wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him in closer for another kiss. Cal pulled away again, his nose turned up in disgust. "I've half a mind to go make you showa again."

Gillian scoffed.

"Might join you."

She gave him a smile.