Beta'd by cejsmom and preread by Twi-mom12292005

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Chapter 18

EPOV

To say I'm a mess would be an understatement. I'm over tired, sore, stressed, but that is nothing compared to the emotions I've got running wild inside me. I'll take the fatigue and physical pain anytime over this chaos in my body. It feels like my heart and brain are at war.

I don't want to take Bella home, but I desperately need some time to think. So much has happened in the last 24 hours.

First, she came back into my life. I thought I would never see her again. That in itself is enough for one day.

Second, she is different, better, so much better. She's soft spoken and outspoken, she is feisty, but not bitchy, caring, kind, sweet, beautiful, friendly, and she smells so good. She fits right in with my family and friends and all they seem to adore her.

Third, we talked through our apparent dog beach misunderstanding and came out the other side as friends, I think.

Fourth, I needed help and she came to my rescue, literally. She was selfless and caring towards me and the dogs. She even went and got Booboo while I got some much needed sleep.

Fifth, the girl can cook! She threw together an amazing breakfast with what little I had in my fridge.

Lastly, she comforted me during one of my nightmares. I hadn't had one for months, but stress tends to make them rear their ugly heads. I'm embarrassed and relieved about what she saw.

Embarrassed, because that is not how I want her to see me; weak, afraid. I want to be someone strong, together, worthy, but I'm not.

Sadly, I'm relieved too. She's seen first-hand just how screwed up I am. I don't have to explain myself to her. I'm not good for her and now she knows.

I can still feel where she touched me. There is a lingering warmth that has spread throughout my body that hasn't gone away.

Esme and Alice have been the only woman in my life that I would allow to touch me. There have been woman in my life, sexual encounters, but I was never able to tolerate being touched by any of them, until now, until Bella.

In my early twenties I tried to be a normal guy. I went out, met woman, was physical with them. I can't really call it intimate, because it was anything but.

I got good at what I did. The sex, for lack of a better word, was all about pleasuring them. I learned all the ways to please a woman, without intercourse.

Every time they would try to touch me, I'd redirect their attention with my mouth or my hands.

It only took a few dates until they figured out that touching me and sex were not on the table. Some of the woman would stay around for a little while, but most of them took this as rejection and ended it.

I can't blame them, I never did. I'm not a complete package.

So, a few years ago I just stopped dating all together. My life is much less complicated now.

Or it was until Bella. The second her soft hand touched me, even though I was sound asleep, she calmed me. I felt this peaceful feeling wash over me, washing my nightmare and its painfulness away.

I was startled awake. I'm sure I looked scared, out of control, her shocked expression mirroring mine. I'm surprised she didn't go screaming and running out of my apartment.

All I could think to do to calm myself, besides latching onto Bella and really scaring her, is what I've always done, turn to my animals. Animals, especially dogs, have made me feel secure, comforted for as long as I can remember.

At first, it was a prescribed form of therapy. Now it's just me. I don't go a day without interacting with my animals. What better way to honor how much they have helped me, but to give back. That's why I started this rescue.

Bella's presence here with me and everything she's done, is beyond anything I expected.

In the middle of enjoying her fantastic breakfast, I do something very uncharacteristic of me and very out of my comfort zone. I take her hands in mine, give her the full force of my eyes and thank her from the bottom of my heart.

It's the least I can do, and the most I have to offer.

This seems to stun her into silence. She just stares at me, through me, until I regretfully break our gaze and continue eating.

During the drive to get my car at the Montage, we are quiet. It seems we are both lost in our own thoughts.

I sense some tension between us, but nothing too uncomfortable.

I'm surprised Bella doesn't say anything about my nightmare. She seems to understand that I'm not ready or willing to discuss it. I appreciate her respecting my privacy.

Our goodbye is awkward. There are no promises of the future. No, "I'll call you."

Bella drives off. As I'm approaching the valet to retrieve my car I realize that I didn't even get her number. My only hope is that she put my number in her cell.

Then again, what would we say?

I have nothing to offer her, but friendship, and I don't have any "friends who are girls".

I know I could ask Alice for her number, but that would be opening a whole can of worms I'm not willing to deal with, especially with exuberant Alice.

I force my brain to think about the here and now and things that need to be dealt with today; the police and letting Jasper, my lawyer, know what happened at the rescue last night.

I'm dreading the call to Jasper because I know he saw me leave with Bella last night. He out of everyone will give me the least shit about it, but I'm sure he told Alice, ugh.

I call the police first to get an update. They have nothing more than what I told them last night. I'm not surprised. If this has anything to do with Victoria, some shady characters are involved and I wouldn't doubt if law enforcement is being paid off.

I take a deep breath before calling Jasper.

"Hey Edward, what's up? Did you have a good night last night?" He says with a teasing tone, it's starting already.

"Hey Jasper, yes and no."

"What happened, or didn't happen?" he continues to tease.

"Give it a rest Jasper. The rescue got broken into and vandalized. They even let some of the dogs loose. We...ah, I was able to find them, but it was a long night." That was close, hope he didn't hear the "we".

"I'm sorry man, that sucks. I'm glad you found the dogs. Was there much damage? Do you think it has anything to do with Victoria?" He heard the "we"...great.

"I just got off of the phone with the police. They don't have any leads, but yes, I think this has something to do with Victoria and the lawsuit." I admit.

"Well, this changes things a bit. This has gotten too personal. The rescue obviously isn't safe, so you're going to have to hire security. I have the number of a good company. I know that money isn't an issue so I also want you to hire a private investigator to dig up stuff on Victoria and her people. I use to have this great, trustworthy private investigator, but he retired recently. He left the business to his son; James is his name I think. I'll text you both numbers. Get back to me after you talk to them. Sorry about all this Edward. I was hoping this whole lawsuit would have been resolved by now." That's the most I've ever heard Jasper speak at one time, he's in lawyer mode.

"It's not your fault Jasper, but thanks. I'll make these calls and let you know what they say."

We hang up and my thoughts immediately go to Bella. What is she doing? How is Buddy? Oh, Buddy. I didn't even think of him earlier. I hope she got someone to let him out this morning. I'm sure she did.

This would be a good reason to call her, to ask about Buddy. "No, NO. Get a grip Cullen", I tell myself sternly.

I've got almost a week before the next Cullen Sunday dinner. I'm going to spend the week avoiding my family and friends. I need some alone time to sort out my feelings and get a handle on my seemingly teenage hormones and emotions, especially if I have to deal with their teasing and innuendos.

The week flies by.

Security is in place at the rescue and I've met with the investigator. He's a little slimy, but aren't they all? He got some background information from me; what I do, where I go, who I see. The usual I'm sure. He said he'll be watching me as well as them to see if I'm being followed or watched.

That thought had never even occurred to me, another reason to stay away from Bella. She doesn't need to be dragged into this.

I wake up on Sunday morning, having dreamed about Bella again. Every night this week she had invaded my subconscious. Her smell, her laugh or her physical assets dominate my dreams. She is getting to me through my body's senses.

I've spent a major part of my week strengthening my resolve about Bella. She is perfect, amazing, being with her, even just thinking about her, does things to me I've never experienced before. But the reality of it is that a relationship, beyond friendship, is not in the cards for us. Plus, I have no idea if she even thinks of me, at all.

Since that first Sunday I invited him, Jasper has been at every family dinner. He and Alice have become inseparable. They are really cute together, and very happy. I'm happy for them, but I don't enjoy our dinner conversations like I use to. Everyone is paired up now, except me.

I've become more of a presence in the kitchen recently. I'm learning to cook from my mom and dad. The upside of my situation, I guess.

Before I walk into my parent's beachside home, I take a deep breath and review my rehearsed lines.

"I offered to walk her home because it wasn't right for her to walk alone at that time of night." "I needed to borrow her car, it was an emergency." "She insisted on coming." "We were up all night." Answers that give no room for interpretation or elaboration, or so I hope.

I walk in and yell, "Hey, I'm here." Before the words leave my mouth, I know she's here. Don't ask me how I know, but I do. Her car is not parked outside. I checked just in case. But I know she's here.

I freeze and debate turning around and walking right back out the door, but before I can decide my Mom comes out of the kitchen and gives me a comforting hug; like she knows or something. Mom's...

"Where are they?" is all I can think to say.

"They're out in the spa honey, you should join them." As much as I'd like to see Bella in a bathing suit, I don't think I can take it right now. I feel my resolve slipping away.

"What are you cooking?" Focus my thoughts; focus on anything but barely dressed Bella.

"Tonight is Italian honey. It's almost ready; it's an easy one tonight. Go join everyone outside." Crap.

"Sure you don't need any help Mom?" I almost whine. Save me, save me. Is what I'm thinking.

"No, honey. Go on now." She turns and walks back into the kitchen.

Think, think. I'll stall. Bathroom. I'll waste time in the bathroom. I can only think of one way to truly waste time in the bathroom, but that is just too crude, although, it would relieve the mounting tension in my shorts.

I go to the nearest bathroom which is attached to the guest room on the main level. Unfortunately, the window of this room looks right out onto the patio with a perfect view of the spa.

There she is, just like I knew the second I walked in.

She's laughing, having a good time with my sister and friends. I'm a little resentful because that should be me out there. If she wasn't here it would be me. But truthfully, it's my problem, not hers. I could be out there with them, if I thought I could trust myself, or my body's reaction to her.

I know I made the right decision to stay inside, if my hardness is any indication of how I would react. I can only see her from the top of her breasts up and my body's at full attention.

She rises up to reach her drink and I get a front view from the belly button up. She is perfect. What I would give to touch her warm, wet skin.

I force myself to turn away from window and adjust my now uncomfortable bulge. Maybe I should reconsider relieving pent up tension or this could be a really long night.

I walk into the bathroom very conflicted. I lock the door and sit on the toilet lid, putting my head in my hands. I'm so screwed.

Even if my brain wants to be strong about this and act all normal around her, my body is not going to let me, especially when she's all shiny and wet and toned, in a bikini.

My hand goes down and starts stroking my length through my shorts. But it just seems wrong.

I start thinking and visualizing things that will make this situation in my pants go away, and quick. Dinner should be ready soon.

I got one, "Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit. Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit. Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit."

I keep chanting this, in my head, out loud, I don't care.

"Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit. Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit. Grandma Cullen in a swimsuit."

Finally, I've fully calmed down. I look in the mirror. I look spent, with no happy ending to show for it; maybe later, in the privacy of my own home.

I quickly exit the bathroom and I crash right into something wet, soft.

Oh god, it's Bella in her swimsuit. Why isn't her towel wrapped around her?

I have to grab her by the waist to keep her from bouncing off of my chest and onto the floor.

"Shit," just slips out of my mouth.

"Oh, Hi, Edward, sorry I didn't mean to bump into you, just changing for dinner." She says, like she's unfazed by our collision.

I can barely form a coherent thought.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?" She is looking up at me with concern. It dawns on me that I'm still holding her body to mine. I quickly release her.

"No, sorry about that." I mumble as I bolt from the room. Smooth really smooth Edward. And hard, definitely hard for her, again. This is going to be a long night.

A/N

Edward's worlds are colliding, she's at family dinner night.

What do you think of his reaction to all of this?

Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I love it!

Btw~I was lucky enough to meet four people from this ff world at the BD2 premiere. Two of my most consistent readers/reviewers; Judy and Kim, Deb, from NH, who we surprisingly found followed my other story, and last but not least cejsmom, who I wish lived closer cuz she is one great/fun lady.