A/N: So glad to read you back! And to the new ones, hello and thank you. IxHeartxGlee, I definitely had that intention ;)
"Are you totally sure you're gonna wear that?"
Emily asked the question for the third time, and Spencer looked at her feigning, again, annoyance. Although this time Emily did catch a glimpse of real irritation in her hazel eyes.
"Are you being indoctrinated by Hanna now? I'm telling you I know how to combine it."
They were walking around the mall, each of them carrying a couple of bags. They had come with Hanna, who'd been left behind in a store where she wanted to spend all the money she didn't have. They were on a summer-clothes shopping spree, and there were really very fewer ways to make Hanna happier; maybe only a winter-clothes shopping spree could actually beat it. As for them, they were already satisfied, even if Spencer had bought the oddest feathered belt, the kind of which only Aria would wear. In fact, Emily had thought Spencer was getting it as a present for Aria. She was totally puzzled when she found out Spencer wanted it for herself.
"I'm not saying it's a gay belt, I'm just saying it's impossible to combine with anything you have…" Her voice grew weaker and dissolved in the air as she distinguished a well-known figure in the distance.
She was holding Spencer's hand while they walked, but she carefully, subtly let it go when she realized the encounter was unavoidable.
The figure was walking straight to them, and it was stupid to try hiding.
She turned a little to look directly at Spencer, who'd already realized Toby had seen them too. Spencer stopped and Emily could tell she was holding her breath. It was the first time. The first time they were running into him since they started dating. The first time he saw them together since Spencer told him about them being together.
The three of them had made a tacit pact of non-aggression which involved trying not to run into each other at all. Emily had actually seen him a couple of times, and they'd been polite, and distant, like the two nice, distant people they could be, but he'd managed to avoid all contact with Spencer. However, in a town like Rosewood, how long could you go without seeing someone who didn't want to be seen? Except for A, everybody ended up being exposed. Even invisible, tender Toby could not escape from a situation like this, although an encounter at the mall was the least expected scenario for such a thing.
What was he doing at the mall anyway?
Emily tried to keep her composure as she stopped alongside Spencer and waited for the encounter to happen, while Toby took long steps in their direction, with the same pained expression Emily had always seen in him, save the period of time he'd been dating Spencer. The period of time he'd been happy and light. She got the idea. She really got the idea and it made her feel guilty because she was happy and light at his expense.
He hadn't changed a bit. He was still the same misty-eyed, mellow guy who'd pass for a killer or a saint, no in-betweens, until you talked to him and realized his heart was just like a giant panda bear waiting to be adopted and cared for. He stopped right in front of them and forced a very simple, sweet smile, which was genuine and direct – he was the most authentic person in town, or so Emily thought –, although it still felt like someone had plastered him with it, like the smile was not for them really, or not for the actual, real them in there, but maybe for the them that had been in the past, when friends and lovers had not been messed up and changed positions in the field.
"Hi, Em", he greeted, and his eyes rapidly shifted from Spencer and came to rest on Emily's face. "Spencer", he added, once he was already looking at Emily.
"Hey, Toby", Emily greeted back. She heard a weak "hello" coming out of Spencer's mouth by her side. "What are you doing here?"
She felt the obligation to speak, filling in the silent gaps. And perhaps it wasn't the right question to ask, but it was her shot at small talk and, anyway, it was kind of weird to see him there.
"Long story", he answered, clearly not wanting to get into detail. He smiled sadly as he felt obliged to return the favour. "And you?" He took a moment to look at the bags they were holding, still focusing mainly on Emily's figure and face, although he did send a quick, icy glance at Spencer. "You guys are getting summery already, right?"
He tried being nice. He was nice. He just wouldn't look at Spencer at all.
"Yeah, we came with Hanna, you know she's a fan of the mall." Emily explained, even though Toby had never really had any close contact with Hanna. Toby had first been her friend; then Spencer's boyfriend; he never really got to treat Hanna and Aria before Spencer double-dumped him, firstly following A's threats and secondly depriving him of any chance of a comeback. "She's somewhere around here…", Emily continued talking about Hanna, turning her head to look around as if she could find her there. But Hanna was inside the store. She wouldn't magically appear to save them. And Spencer was silent and pale, as Emily could collect when she scanned her surroundings.
Another silence followed, neither one of them knowing what to add. Emily had run out of ideas. Toby had nothing else to say, and Spencer was apparently too shocked to speak at all. So a final glance was exchanged between Emily and Toby, and he again sent a very brief look to Spencer, the kind of which sort of certifies the presence of the other person, probably for future recollection, but that is meant to not linger, to not send any personal message, and that with that intended ignorance says all it has to say. He was sending the message, and Emily, who was not the recipient of the glance, understood it perfectly.
She wondered if Spencer was getting it too.
He said his goodbye, and Emily told him to take care – and she felt like such a hypocrite when she said it, not because she didn't want him to take care of himself, but because she wasn't his friend anymore – and finally Spencer uttered her own, weak, liquid goodbye. He left, his tall, pained figure disappearing into the crowd in the bright whiteness of the mall. Purity in the consumer's world. Purity uncorrupted, but leaving in suffering.
Emily immediately directed her attention to Spencer's pale, stone-cold expression. Only her eyes gave her away, sending alternate waves and shocks of water and fire, pain and anger taking the turn one after the other.
"Are you all right?" Emily asked, although the response was in front of her and she didn't really need to hear it.
Spencer started walking again, and when Emily didn't follow, she stopped, turned around and sent her a pleading look that made Emily move after her. They took some aimless steps together.
"Did you see how he wouldn't even look at me?" Spencer finally said, and her voice sounded like gravel.
Emily took her by the arm.
"He's still hurt", she answered, not letting her walk.
"He hates me". The fact that she knew he'd hate her when she broke his heart didn't make it any less painful for her.
Emily looked around for a second and then dragged Spencer by the arm. "Come with me". She'd seen a restroom just some steps away and it was better to continue the conversation there.
They opened the door and they found themselves in another world, dark gray zen-like walls and extended mirrors where they suddenly saw their grim reflection.
Emily drove Spencer to one of the walls after she checked no one was there and no one could listen. Only A. But A, then again, was everywhere, so it didn't really matter.
She took a moment to look into Spencer's eyes, which were still showing signs of both anger and sadness, neither emotion taking over the other yet. She didn't do well with rejection from people about whom she cared.
"He doesn't hate you", Emily proceeded to explain the message she'd clearly understood in Toby's demeanour.
"He doesn't look at me, he doesn't talk to me, Em. How do you call that? I see why he's hurt, but come on, it's been almost two months." She unleashed her emotions, allowing herself to be unfair and unjust and unclear, now that they were alone.
"He still loves you. That's what I call it." Emily spoke with such confidence that Spencer closed her mouth. "That's why he won't look at you or say anything to you. Don't you get it? It's humiliating for him. What's he gonna say? Please come back to me?"
She'd understood Toby's message so clearly she wondered how it was possible that Spencer was taking such a long, laboured effort to get it.
Spencer blinked a couple of times, struggling with the idea.
"I don't want him to still love me. I don't want him to hate me", she finally said, shifting from one thing to another. "I just want him to forgive me. I didn't do anything that bad. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I wasn't cruel or mean. I just left him. And then, only after I did leave him", she stated heatedly, because she was trying to defend herself in the trial she still carried against her own intentions and actions, "and only after that, I got involved with you. It's not a crime. I didn't want to hurt him that bad".
"You can't control what he feels for you, Spencer. You can't control what people feels about you. When are you finally gonna learn that lesson?"
Spencer's eyes filled with tears at Emily's raw statement. She didn't cry, but she didn't find the voice to speak either.
Emily had always known her really well. Always had a way of sensing every inner earthquake she felt. But, since they got together as a couple, she also had a way of saying things to her in such a straightforward, direct manner she never really deployed with anyone else in the world, that Spencer felt undressed, and unarmed, and sometimes even cornered in a place with no exit. As if Emily was the only person who cared enough to get her back in line and cut all bullshit from her. Not that she bullshitted a lot. But she sometimes did, and Emily always cut het off.
Those were the privileges your girlfriend enjoyed, she guessed. Emily could touch her in places where no one else dared to go. Figuratively speaking, but also in a literal way.
"Spence, he'll forgive you in time. He needs time". Emily's tone grew much softer, and she held her hand and took it to her lips to kiss. "It'll be all right. He'll eventually let it go".
So Emily was still her sweet, gentle Emily. But she wasn't afraid to tell her the truth.
"He's forgiven you already."
"He's not in love with me. I was just the friend who behaved nastily."
"You couldn't behave nastily even if you tried."
Emily looked at her as if Spencer didn't really understand everything that had happened yet. She had behaved nastily. Maybe not grossly, obnoxiously nasty, but she had wanted what was his, and she had acted on it. Not immediately, not while they were dating, although it could've have happened if Spencer hadn't dumped him first thanks to A. And he was her friend. And she liked him. And he had been good to her, always.
You didn't get the chance to do that and not be nasty. She'd accepted that. She still struggled with it sometimes, but she had accepted it because she was happy. Because she'd gotten the girl.
But the truth was the truth, and nasty was nasty.
Instead of saying any of these things, she kissed Spencer's palm again, overcome by her tenderness. People tended to see Spencer as such a confident, sometimes even hostile human being that they completely missed how soft, how incredibly generous she was with everyone she cared for. She was utterly incapable of thinking anything mean about someone she loved.
Except whenever she fought. Then she could get really bitchy.
But it wasn't the case now.
Spencer left her palm on Emily's face after being sweetly kissed. It amazed her how easily Emily could read her, how she always seemed to know the proper balance, the right measure of honesty and sweetness she needed.
"You think he'll ever talk to me again?", she asked. Why did she still care? He didn't want to talk to her? Fine. So be it.
But she did care after all.
"He will. When he falls out of love."
Spencer rolled her eyes at the expression. Three months ago she would have melted at the certainty that he loved her so much, but now she found it terribly annoying, and inconvenient, and sad.
She felt sad, but at least she didn't feel angry anymore.
"Let's get out of here." She asked for it, but all she wanted was to push a button that would magically transport her to the car without having to face the possibility of running into Toby again.
"We need to get Hanna."
Spencer didn't move, didn't want to move out of the restroom, really. So Emily decided she would go get Hanna out of the store and would come back to the restroom to get Spencer. The special operation was carried through efficiently. Hanna hardly resisted because she had already gotten three hundred dresses more than she needed, and they all walked back to Spencer's car without having to confront any other incident. Then they went to a local coffee shop. Emily felt almost relieved the encounter with Toby had already happened. At least they wouldn't be afraid of it anymore. She checked up on Spencer from time to time, while they let Hanna explain her new acquisitions to them, and she still saw traces of sadness, but she seemed to be holding it together, so Emily supposed it'd be fine after a while. She was trying to follow Hanna's train of thoughts on summer clothing when she received a text. She had received some texts from A lately. Mostly trying to mock her and Spencer, in a way that made her think even A, whoever it was, had taken it as a shock that they were actually together-together. But she knew the blow was coming. And there was still that thing about the police investigation against Spencer.
She opened the text only to find Spencer had written it. Spencer, who was there, right in front of her listening to Hanna, or pretending to do it. When had she written it? She must have done it when Hanna was showing them the skirt with the black buttons that Emily had admired so much.
"Sorry, not A ;) Crash the night at my place? Please"
Emily found this kind of secretive conversation exciting, although it did make her feel a little bad regarding Hanna, who'd stolen a glance at her trying to check if the text was from A.
"Ur parents not there tonite?" She texted back.
"Yeah. But please! I'll be good"
She guessed she was asking her to spend the night because she was feeling vulnerable and sad. But, with her parents there, it wasn't a very good idea, and…
She got another text.
"U'll prob have to sleep in the guest. Parents are mean people".
Parents had suddenly become worried about their daughters having sex on their houses the minute after they'd found out the two best friends were dating. A threeway phone conversation between Pam Fields, Ashley Marin and Veronica Hastings had taken place regarding the new rules for sleepovers. The new rule meant basically: no more sleepovers unless Hanna and Aria were also there.
Emily sighed. She'd never slept in the guestroom at the Hastings'. But she just couldn't say no to Spencer. So she proceeded to write another text, until a tsk of disgust came out of Hanna's mouth and she lifted her head again.
"Who're you texting?"
"No one." Why did she get caught? Spencer had written three texts already and had gone unnoticed. She put the phone in her pocket and looked at Hanna. "Hanna, do you mind if I spend the night at Spencer's? Can you tell your mom?" She could feel Spencer's open-wide expression of surprise at her question, because she was probably hoping to keep the whole conversation secret.
Hanna sent Spencer a look of mischief, instead of answering Emily.
"Sexy times tonight, huh? I thought your parents were there".
"They are." Emily responded, not giving time to Spencer to come up with an idea. "I need Spencer's help with…" Now that school was over she couldn't really use the homework assistance excuse. Damn. "With something". Yeah, clever. Hanna was going to buy something the same way she bought clothes. She should've let Spencer talk. Now she could feel the mocking, tickling laughter in Spencer's amused expression.
"I need her to stay", Spencer intervened. "She'll sleep in the guestroom. Sadly."
"You can always go on a midnight excursion, Spence."
"I'll probably give it a shot", Spencer joked, although a silent, wordless exchange between her and Emily took place, where the agreement was made and sealed.
Hanna agreed to tell her mom so the official phone call between Mrs. Marin and Mrs. Hastings would happen. Spencer seemed more relaxed now that she knew for sure that Emily would be there tonight. She wasn't very happy about the guestroom, but she couldn't do anything about it. Her mom was ruthless, even though she suspected it was all Pam Fields' doing.
The rest of the afternoon passed while they drank coffees and smoothies. When it was starting to get dark they went to the Marins', dropped Hanna there, got a change of clothes for Emily and drove to the Hastings', where they had the long-awaited dinner with Spencer's parents. At least Emily was infinitely glad she'd not had time today to grope and kiss all of Spencer's body like two weeks ago. It'd keep her from blushing and feeling like a pervert during dinner. She talked about swimming, responded Peter Hastings' questions and comments about the colleges she was thinking about, listened to the list of Spencer's talents and future career choices that she already knew Spencer had ahead of her, shared the concerns about Melissa's heart rate problem and the future career choices of Melissa's baby (who'd probably turn out to be a lawyer or a criminal; or both), and felt Spencer's fixated, amused gaze on her the whole time. She still found it really embarrassing, but sort of liberating, that Spencer had no problem whatsoever in showing her interest in her in front of her parents. It wasn't like she did anything inappropriate – it was Spencer after all, queen of manners and styles – but she made no secret of the change of status they had experienced. She didn't treat her as a friend anymore. She was careful but extremely warm, sending looks that said a lot, but that could say much more if her parents weren't there; and they saw it, knew the meaning of it, and took it in, while Emily fought back the slight panic attacks she felt every time she saw a change of expression in Peter or Veronica Hastings' faces.
She'd always been efficient when it came to social relations, despite her shyness, and she'd never, ever thought she'd get so anxious and panicked in front of her girlfriend's parents. She was a rather calm person. But, god, how she hated those situations now. She still didn't really understand why. Sometimes she thought it was because of Spencer turning gay because of her. Sometimes she thought it was because of how demanding and stressing the Hastings were. She'd always observed them from a distance, with the kind of clinical perspective you got from being an outsider; and she only cared about Spencer, knew the way she always struggled with her parents' expectations and demands, and the way that struggle affected her. But now she was an outsider who had a foot inside: she had to care about them, and she had to meet certain expectations in order to be a valued worth. So she got anxious to please them in a way she usually never did, because she was used to being liked by people, including the Hastings.
She liked Mrs. Hastings better. She was scary, but in a good way. A little like Spencer. Still, they were both kind of a pain in the ass. Very Hastings-like, but without the softness, and the generosity, and the radiating passion their daughter exuded. And they weren't warm people, not even to their daughter. She sometimes wondered how Spencer had turned out to be such a softie when most of the affection she'd been shown while growing up had been directed to her grades and not to her most personal, most precious qualities. But that was just the way it was. Spencer seemed to be used to it. She didn't always take it well – especially when it had to do with Melissa – but she was used to it. It was normal for her. But not for Emily, whose parents were morally conservative and rigid but pretty affectionate and sensitive to their kid, at least whenever they were there.
When the dinner ended, they watched a movie on TV. They were left alone in the living room, but they behaved well. Spencer was happy enough Emily was staying, so she didn't push it. It wasn't the day to push it. She'd finally managed the family dinner she was after, and Emily was spending the night (albeit in the guestroom, but not everything could be so good yet). Veronica Hastings came by the room to tell them good night and to politely send them upstairs, to each their own (room). So Emily was introduced, for the first time, to the Hastings' guestroom: it was a big, comfortable place with a big, comfortable bed where she'd sleep alone. It had its own bathroom, where she changed into her PJs and brushed her teeth, ready to sleep, although she wasn't sleepy yet. She sat on the bed, the lamp on the bedside table offering a view of this strange room that was meant for strangers. And for dangerous gay girlfriends. She was mentally taking notes about how the dinner had gone when Spencer's head appeared at the door after a knock, and she came in wearing an enormous T-shirt that worked as a nightwear for her, an extremely open and explicit view to her long, slim legs that Emily definitely admired and lately lusted for.
"Hey, you", she said, closing the door carefully. "I came to say goodnight to the thief."
She took some steps towards the bed and, after a moment of hesitation, sat on it next to Emily, whose legs were crossed and bent in the lotus position.
"Hey", Emily finally responded, while she observed Spencer next to her. She finally reached out her arm to her face and brushed away a strand of unruly, wavy hair. "How're you feeling?"
"Pretty good, if you don't consider the fact that I hate that you have to sleep here."
Emily smiled. "Yeah. They're parents. That's their job."
"Right. It's also their job to protect us from murderers and stalkers, you know", she complained in her typical sarcastic fashion. "But no, they're here to protect us from the dangers of making babies which we can't really make. It makes so much sense."
"It's the law of nature", Emily joked. Aside from the fact that parents should protect them from murderers and stalkers, she found it natural that they didn't want them having sex or even making out while they were there. Maybe she was conservative like her parents were.
She observed Spencer's features closely.
"What?" Spencer asked, curious.
"You still look a little sad."
Spencer sighed. "I'm not sad, I'm just… I'm a little disappointed things turned out this way with him." They both knew who they were talking about. Emily kept looking at her, so she decided that maybe she expected her to continue. "I do care about him and I wanted him to be happy, and I didn't really know, I really didn't know it was gonna be like this."
"It's just the way it is. You want to be friends with him, but it's his choice not to", Emily offered.
Spencer winced a little, her mouth frowning. "It's not friends. It's… I don't wanna be left with this feeling that I caused such a great damage to a person like him", she explained. To a person like him: noble, and pure, and good beyond all that he'd already endured.
Emily nodded in understanding, silence in her throat but not in her eyes.
All of a sudden Spencer realized she was complaining to the person she loved about a person she didn't love anymore. And the person she loved was there by her side, listening to her, offering her ideas and her comfort, while being kept in the guestroom where she'd been put just because they couldn't really keep their hands off each other. She recalled the day she'd broken up with Toby, two months ago. Emily had stayed the night, had lied down next to her on her bed. Spencer had talked, and Emily had listened. Then Emily had also talked (a little), and Spencer had not totally listened. Now Emily was here again, and the situation was different, but it was still the same. They were the same people. But they were in love.
"I'm not sad because I still love him or anything", she blurted out, unexpectedly even for her. "I love you. I mean, I really love you."
It was the first time she'd said it out loud to her.
Emily smiled and touched her face again, this time brushing an invisible, non-existent strand of hair.
"I love you too", she simply said.
"You do?"
"Big news, huh?"
"Definitely", Spencer laughed. They'd both said it – not that she needed to hear, but she was certainly glad she'd heard – and her heart swelled up with elation and love. "It's always better to know for sure."
"Yeah, it is. What took you so long?", Emily joked.
"Hey, I'm the first one who said the words. You just got the I-love-you-too answer. I'm the one who took the risk."
"Sure, it's such a huge risk I wonder how you even opened your mouth", Emily joked again. "I kissed you first. That was a risk."
"I kissed you back. You must've known what you were doing", she argued, although Emily was right. That one had been a bigger risk.
"I always know what I'm doing", Emily half-heartedly lied. She'd had no idea what she was doing. Well, she'd had a gut feeling, strong and intense, but it could've been mistaken.
It was the best thing she'd ever done, actually.
Spencer leaned over, unable to resist the game anymore, and kissed her briefly. They had said they loved each other and that certainly deserved a kiss, even if her mother decided to knock the door at the very moment. But no one came.
So she lied down on the bed and rested her head on Emily's thighs. The touch of her bare skin – Emily was wearing her cute pyjama shorts – immediately caused her to shiver in response. She couldn't really hold it at all anymore. She was in desperate need of sex or whatever resembled it; she just needed the intimacy and the touch. But they couldn't do anything at all tonight, and that frustrated her to her limits.
She snorted, angry at her mother and at Emily's mother and at Hanna's mother and at every mother in the world.
"What's wrong now?" Emily asked, amused, and she put her hands on Spencer's head and started massaging it to get her to relax.
"I'm just incredibly pissed that we can't sleep together in the same room after our little confession", Spencer explained, and she closed her eyes, trying to enjoy the feeling of Emily's fingers pressing and working up and down her scalp. "It's not like we're gonna do anything with them here. I'm not even talking about sex."
"Sure you're not."
Spencer could hear Emily's tease in her voice, so she opened up her eyes to look at her.
"Seriously. I'm just talking about sleeping in the same bed." Now it was the same bed and not the same room. "We've slept together many times and nothing ever happened."
"Times have changed", Emily asserted, her amusement increasing. "I'm pretty sure I can't sleep in the same bed with you and not do anything at all."
Spencer raised her brows at her. "Don't start with that. You're gonna make me nervous."
And by nervous she meant horny, and she knew Emily would understand. Who was she kidding? She obviously couldn't control what she'd do if they slept now in the same bed. But she had the right to complain about the situation.
She closed her eyes again, as Emily continued relaxing her head. It all felt so good she almost felt peaceful and un-pissed at the impossibility to share the room or the bed. She couldn't believe she'd felt so sad after running into Toby. Now she couldn't see anything remotely sad about the day or the night. Only the knowledge that she'd have to eventually leave Emily's room upset her, but she just had to take it. Maybe she could stay for ten more minutes.
She tried to avert her thoughts from Emily's thighs underneath her head, so close to her mouth and to her own hands, and to concentrate on the rumour of Emily's fingers on her hair. They managed to induce a long, deep sensation of calmness and well-being.
She fell asleep. When she woke up she was still in the same position, only Emily had slipped under the covers and had left her there, probably too concerned about what bringing her under the covers with her would mean if they were discovered. Or if they just realized they were not being discovered.
The alarm clock said it was 1 a.m. She stood up, stealing a final glance at Emily's peaceful, beautiful figure on the bed, but she didn't touch her to let her sleep. She then turned off the lamp light and tentatively lighted the way out with her phone.
A/N 2: Title taken from "Blood Bank", song by Bon Iver.