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Dogward/Brokenward/Virginward/Beachward

Chapter 33

BPOV

I've been sitting here for what seems like days, with way too much time to think, about... everything.

Edward is going to be fine, thank god. I've never been as scared as I was when they were rushing him into emergency surgery. James holding a knife to my neck was nothing compared to the possibility that I might lose Edward.

James is one sick bastard, was one sick bastard. I feel like I can breathe again now that he's gone. But I can't shake this overwhelming sense of dread. Like everything is going to change.

Edward hasn't woken up yet. It's been almost twenty four hours since his surgery. They said it could be anytime. I don't want to leave his side. They brought in a cot for me to sleep on. I don't want to sleep. I want to be the first thing Edward sees when he wakes up.

Alice brought me some clothes. She forced me to take a shower while she sat with Edward. His parents have held vigil at his bedside with me. They haven't asked me to leave. Where would I go? I'm not going back to my house. It's tainted. James has been in every room, doing lord knows what. I can't even think about it without getting sick to my stomach.

I can't go to Edward's. I've already imposed on him too much. He's been so good to me, always putting me and my comfort before his.

My home is this hospital room, until they kick me out, or Edward kicks me out.

I called Maggie yesterday and told her what happened to Edward. She came by this afternoon to check on him. She didn't say much because of Doctor/patient confidentiality. Esme asked her what we should expect when he wakes up. She gave us some possible scenarios. Most likely Edward would have some old emotions resurface from all the time he spent in hospital as a child.

Picturing Edward as a scared, sad child in the hospital all by himself just breaks my heart. I want to be here for him. He's shared so much with me. I know there is a lot I still don't know, but I do know that he doesn't deserve to be alone.

He's unconscious, but I talk to him. I tell him how much I miss him, how much we all do. I talk about random things; the dogs, the hospital food, the nurses eyeing his fine self. Sometimes I think I'm a little nutty.

I watch him constantly, the rise and fall of his chest. He's so beautiful. His hair all bed headed and crazy, the two day scruff on his strong jaw. I hate that damn hospital gown, his abs are hidden.

This one slutty nurse or whatever she is, grilled me for information on Edward's relationship status. "Is he your husband?" She asked in a way too sweet, fake voice. Why did I say no? I even went as far as telling her we were "just friends". How stupid can I be? She's actually brought a few other women by his room to "see how cute he is." How unprofessional. I'm not leaving him alone with any of these skanks. "I hope he's as sweet as he is cute." She dared said to me. Yes, bitch, he is. I answered in my head. Jealous much, Bella? See, going a little crazy here.

I can't blame them really. He's one fine man. Sigh.

Jake came by the hospital last night. I barely remember seeing him at my house when the police and paramedics were there taking us away. He came by to check on me, only me. He stood in Edward's room and didn't ask about him once. He had the nerve to blame Edward for everything that happened with James. I pulled him out into the hall and set him straight, explaining how James is from my past, my childhood. He let up a little on Edward, but I asked him to leave. I will not let anyone blame Edward for this, especially himself.

Edward's gotten more restless throughout the day. They seem to be on top of his pain meds. He looks comfortable for the most part.

He almost wakes up a few times. I ask him to come back to me. I know I'm pathetic. I can't wait to talk to him again, look in his soulful green eyes. I have so much to say to him.

When he finally wakes up, I'm so glad I'm alone with him. Typical Edward asks about everyone else, even the dogs. He tells me I can leave. That hurt a little. He's groggy, so I let him go back to sleep. He seems a little detached; I attribute that to the medication. At least, I hope.

The next morning when the ho-nurse sees him awake for the first time. I'm surprised glass doesn't shatter, she squeals so loudly. Edward visibly jumps, making me laugh. She practically falls all over him with her rather large, in your face cleavage, hovering over his bed. He is polite, but he never once looks at her body. In fact, when she gets close to him, he closes his eyes. She looks dejected when she walks out of the room. I give her a huge smug smile.

We talk, he visits with his family. They laugh and joke. Edward is nice, he's always nice, but he's not himself. I know he's uncomfortable with all of the attention, but it's something else.

When Maggie shows up this afternoon, I practically run out of his hospital room. He needs to talk to her. She needs to try and reach him. He's not the Edward I know and love.

After talking to Edward, she comes to find me in the waiting room. She is visibly concerned.

"Bella, with Edward's permission, I'm here if you want to talk. We can't discuss Edward, but I know this is difficult for you too." She offers.

I slump down in my chair, barely keeping the tears at bay.

"He's not himself. He's blaming himself. He won't talk to me. He even told me I could leave. I know you can't talk about him, but what do I do?"

"What do you want to do, Bella?"

"I want to be here, for him. I want to help him through this. I want him to be a part of my life, even when this is all over." I plead.

"If that's what you truly want, then fight for it. Don't let him push you away. Tell him how you feel. Don't give up on him." She offers.

"But what if he doesn't want me?"

"This isn't about who wants whom. This is about friendship, caring, helping. Do you think he would be here for you, if the situation were reversed? Do you think there is any reason why he wouldn't want to be your friend?" She probes.

"No, I mean, yes. I'm so confused. Yes, he would be here for me, and no, I think he wants me as a friend. Why is this so complicated?"

"Because it's Edward and he is complicated. Is he worth it Bella?" She asks.

"Absolutely." I confirm, without a doubt.

"Then do what you need to do for him and for yourself."

I get up and hug her. "Thanks Maggie. I needed to hear that. I'm surrounded by his family, and they are wonderful, but they're family. I'm coming from a totally different place."

"Of course, dear. Call me anytime." She says as she turns and walks down the hall.

I take a few calming breaths and head back to Edward's room. I'm resigned in my decision. He can't push me away anymore.

He's resting when I enter his room, so I go to my cot and try to nap too.

"Bella, Bella." His voice wakes me from a dreamless sleep.

I go to his side. He seems to still be asleep, having a nightmare. His head is thrashing back and forth on his pillow.

"It's okay, Edward. I'm right here." I whisper in his ear as I run my hand through his hair.

He relaxes and goes back to sleep for a while longer. I sit in the chair, hold his hand and watch him sleep. The cot is too far away.

"Bella?"

"Huh, what. What do you need?" I jump, popping my head up from where it was laying on his hand. Great, hope I didn't drool on him. "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep." I say rubbing my eyes.

He's looking at me with an odd look on his face. "What?" I ask, checking my cheek for drool.

He shakes his head, looking down. "You're still here." He says barely audible.

Here goes. I sit up straighter and square my shoulders.

"Yes, I'm still here. I want to be here. I'm not going anywhere." I state. Looking him directly in the eyes.

We just look at each other. So many emotions pass over his face, surprise, hope, sadness, before his eyes go blank and he shuts me out.

He lays his head back on his pillow, closes his eyes and says. "Suit yourself."

He is so stubborn.

When it's time to go to sleep that night he watches me go into the bathroom. I come out changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Going to bed." I say indicating my cot.

"You're sleeping here?" He seems surprised.

"I've been here as long as you've been here, Edward." I say with a shrug.

"Hm." Is his response.

I can't sleep. Edward seems restless. Then I hear the familiar deep breaths he takes before he has something painful to say.

I get up and slide my cot right next to his bed. Even in the darkness I can feel him watching me.

I settle back into the bed and wait.

"I..we were trapped in the car. The fire started in the front of the car, where the impact was. If I hadn't been messing around instead of sitting with my seatbelt on, maybe I could have helped them." His voice is thick with emotion.

"They were conscious. They told me everything would be okay... until it wasn't." He pauses, taking a few shaky breaths. "I heard their screams, I heard them die, and I didn't help them."

I reach my hand up onto his bed and take his hand in mine, rubbing the top with my thumb.

"Maybe if I'd been sitting with my seatbelt on, like a good little boy, I wouldn't have been trapped too and I could have saved them. But I was pinned; both of my legs were pinned. The firefighters got me out before I burned alive too. Lucky me." He adds bitterly.

I fight the urge to jump in his bed with him and hug him and tell him it's not his fault. But he's not ready for that... yet.

Instead, I continue rubbing his hand with mine, as I silently cry. I cry for the boy who went through such a horrific tragedy and I cry for the man who blames himself for his parent's deaths.

A/N

Should I have issued a tissue warning? Poor little Edward, poor big Edward.

What else could Bella do to help him?

Thanks so much for all of your support and kindness.

Next update on Wednesday, in 2013!

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