A/N 1: You guys should know I wrote this as fast as I could to avoid the cliffhanger's effect xD. Especially for you, Sora Yogami, so you wouldn't suffer over Emily! x-sugarfree-x: I'm so glad you enjoyed the "Spensah" joke! I thought it was worth typing it like that ;). It's kinda cute when he says that. anonythemouse: I'm just ecstatic over your comeback! Reading your reviews makes me feel like a reader to my own story, as I already said :) LaughLoveLiveXx: where's your sequel? I wanna read :)
People in general: thank you for reading.
It was Spencer who opened the door to the house.
A car had screeched its brakes in the driveway, so all of her senses had come to life at the sound and she had run to the door after seeing it was Emily's.
When she opened the front door, Emily was there, looking beautifully upset. Her dark hair was tied up in a bun-like ponytail, bringing out the pure liveliness of her facial expressions, especially the eyes. Her eyes were burning, not merely fiery or caught in sparks; it was more as if tears were threatening to flow, but at the same time they weren't shining, weren't brewing a storm, but were still in the back of her throat; how her eyes reflected her internal struggle, or how Spencer was able to grasp this, she didn't know. Perhaps it was the time she'd spent decoding all of her signs and wondering about them. But she could see Emily was making a visible effort to control whatever was inside her, although her mouth twitched in a grimace of disgust the second she appeared at the door.
It meant one thing: bad news.
"Em", Spencer greeted instantly, while registering all this information about Emily's state. She stepped out of the door, sensing trouble and trying to somehow close the distance and offer support. "Why didn't you call me? What's wrong?"
The sound of Spencer's voice only seemed to upset Emily more, though. She seemed wordless for a second, even startled at the greeting, but then, as the only response, Emily stepped back to put distance between them and then stretched her arm in Spencer's direction, showing a cell phone to her.
"What does this mean?"
Those were her words. Her voice sounded low and hoarse but still controlled, a voice Spencer had never heard before, not this low and distant and almost vague. And, by this time, she had mostly heard all of the sounds Emily's throat was able to utter. Apparently, there were some she still had to hear.
"And when did this happen?", Emily decided to add to her previous question.
Spencer took the phone in her hands and looked at the picture, although she already knew what was in it. She was expecting it, although not so soon. A was fast this time. Faster than he/she/it had been other times. But at least she was expecting this. In a way, Spencer felt relieved it wasn't some other thing, some other threat or problem or disaster in their lives. This she could work out. She was already prepared to face this kind of trouble.
She turned around to close the door behind her and grabbed Emily's arm to drag her away from the front entrance. They walked to a side of her house, and she caught a glimpse of Hanna inside of Emily's car.
They stopped in front of the yard where they'd kissed the first time.
"Em, I did it for us."
Spencer hoped this was a good, proper way to start the argument she knew they were having now.
"You did what?" Emily's voice sounded strained but not so controlled anymore. "You have exactly fifteen minutes to explain what you did, because Hanna's mom only gave me half an hour to come here and talk to you, so go on, talk now."
Only fifteen minutes? Spencer wasn't sure it was going to be so easy to put out this fire.
"I had to make sure he'd listen to you", Spencer offered as a continuation of her first point.
"When did this happen?", Emily repeated her obsessive question.
"Yesterday."
Emily's eyes burned even more at the answer.
"I can't believe this." She raised her voice and shot an accusatory glance, immediately crossing her arms in a defensive posture. "You've let me go there talk to him without telling me you had already…" She paused, suddenly remembering something. "Did you tell him about us?"
"What?"
Spencer didn't understand the question.
"Did you tell him about us?", Emily repeated, her voice high-pitching and already uncontrolled. "Did you tell him I kissed you here in the yard, did you tell him I was Toby's friend too?"
Suddenly, that was the only explanation she could think of to all the details Wren had found out about Spencer and her and which he'd cared to share during their competitive conversation.
Spencer seemed confused, though.
"I… I just talked to him", Spencer tentatively answered. "I had to be nice to him so he'd listen to us."
She had answered some of his questions, yes. But nothing really relevant, just a way to make conversation and, essentially, to force him to understand why it was important for her that he'd listen to Emily.
"So is that a yes?", Emily asked trying to control her voice again. "You did tell him about us. You did tell him about me. I hope you were truly nice to him while making sure he'd listen to me."
The way she said it, it was meant to strike.
"Well, he listened to you, right?", Spencer stroke back. "Which was the whole point of meeting him."
Emily didn't like her strike back, because this time tears did come to her eyes.
"He was gonna listen to me, Spencer, which was the whole point of our agreement." There was real hurt in her words, but it immediately morphed into bitterness that was being tried as sarcasm. "Whatever happened to the we talk about everything, we stick together rules you enacted? I guess they only apply to me, not to you, cause you just get to lay them out for me to follow. But you're not really bound by anything, right? You just get to do whatever you want."
Her words were shot so fast and precise she sounded as a submachine gun, not really allowing Spencer any time or space to speak. Had Hanna taught her to speak like that? Or maybe it had been Spencer's own teaching lesson. She could speak fast too.
"Are you here to actually listen to me or just to snap at me?" Spencer managed to shoot back those words before Emily could find more heavy artillery against her dating and A-defensive rules. "Because, first off, we are talking about it. And second, this wasn't about A, so I didn't break any rule."
Emily opened her mouth in disbelief.
"You really are your parents' daughter." Her voice trembled in fury. "Way to change the rules at your convenience."
Man, she was mad. Those words about being her parents' daughter stung intensely, but Spencer decided not to get into them now. It was better to try to continue with her explanation, even if she had to keep it cool and not get into the fire.
"I did it for us, Em", she tried again. "I knew you were gonna get mad, but I had to do it anyway. I just talked to him, nothing happened!"
"Nothing happened? You lied to me!"
Emily actually yelled for the first time.
"I didn't lie to you."
In order to counteract Emily's yell, Spencer tried to lower her own voice, so they wouldn't inform the whole neighbourhood about their fight.
"You did! You promised you wouldn't try to talk to him and I believed you!"
That was what hurt the most. She had believed her. Well, that and the fact that Spencer had told him about them. That, and the fact that Spencer had met with him.
"I meant what I said", Spencer explained, her voice a little bit shaky now because she knew this was the most slippery territory. "But I changed my mind afterwards."
"And you didn't care to inform me."
Emily tried to give it a sarcastic turn, but her tone was mainly bitter and hurt.
"I made a decision", Spencer took advantage of the slight shift of tone and volume. "I knew we were gonna have a fight over this, so I decided it was better to have it after I did it."
Talking it over once again would have led to inaction. She knew her hands would've been tied if she'd argued her point and Emily had refused to accept it – again. So she had decided to do it and fight over it later. This fight was the price of her decision.
Emily looked at her again in disbelief, but seemed suddenly too shocked to answer anything. The new shift, the fact that Emily suddenly stopped yelling and speed-talking provided a new opportunity to try a new shot at her explanation but, instead of speaking, Spencer tried to get closer and reached out for Emily's arm.
Emily flinched at the contact, almost affronted by it. It was too soon.
Words were still better.
"Emily, I knew you were gonna get mad at me, but I had to do it and face the consequences." Which were these; these were the consequences. "I had to make sure he understood this was important for us, okay? You weren't really gonna try hard enough."
Emily recovered her voice, however briefly. "What?"
"Let's be honest", Spencer accused too, albeit in a softer tone. "You were gonna talk to him but you weren't really gonna try to convince him."
Emily didn't like this accusation either. Maybe it was an aggressive way of addressing the matter at hand, but Spencer knew how proud Emily was, especially about this. She knew Emily was only doing it to calm her down before returning to her original idea of stealing the documents. And she couldn't allow that to happen.
Besides, between Emily's pride and Wren's difficult position nothing was really going to happen, not even if Emily tried a little harder. The only way of making it happen was if she took part in it. And that was what she'd done.
"I did try to convince him", Emily answered, because she had tried; she'd engaged in the combat of wit against him just to show him she was the one, just to follow his weird, wicked strategy and win him over. All for nothing. "I was trying to convince him without knowing you already did it over food and drinks!"
Damn. This was going to be hard. She was yelling again.
Spencer looked over Emily's shoulder and caught a peek of Hanna in the car. How many more minutes did she still have left to try again?
"I didn't have food or drinks with him, Em."
Maybe this approach would be more effective.
"Right. That's why he's eating in the freaking picture!", Emily accused. "In a restaurant!"
"That's because he ate, but I didn't", Spencer argued. "He was hungry after work, and that is not my fault." She paused for a moment to check there were still flames coming out of Emily's eyes. "How many hours have you actually dedicated to study that fucking picture before coming here?"
Not hours: minutes, very long, torturing minutes that felt like long hours, even like days with their nights.
"A lot of them", Emily defiantly replied, not really ashamed to show her jealousy or her paranoia anymore. "A whole lotta them. And you're so lucky I can't even see your face in that fucking picture, Spencer."
The words sounded nasty and threatening, but there was a touch of vulnerability that came through so strong and intense that made Spencer feel weak, feel fearful too, instead of angry or offended.
"Emily", she tried once again, "please. Stop thinking about the picture and just listen to me."
Emily snorted and looked away into the slightly lit up distance of the yard, trying to breathe to calm herself down. She knew why Spencer had done it. She'd realized already before talking to her, when she was driving the car on her way to the Hastings'. She had to forget about the picture.
But it still hurt.
Spencer, the one who called the shots in town; the one who made the decisions, enacted the rules, reasoned the strategies and clued everybody in - or not. Sometimes she kept everything hidden and a secret, even from her.
She looked right through at Spencer again, who was already in her summer PJs, shorts and a T-shirt. Her skin was getting goose bumps because the summer was ending and there was already a cool breeze at night. She looked ready to jump into bed, slightly dishevelled, her waves falling down her shoulders, on her T, some falling on her forehead too. This was the girl who called the shots in town, or at least in their small group of people: skinny, nerdy, frail-looking Spencer, who was actually stronger than anyone else, the head of the game, always in charge and not afraid.
She caught a sight of the Nefertiti head down her collarbone, shining silver, hidden in between the fabrics of her dark green T. Her heart swelled and then shrunk in pain at the sight. That was her, that was her own heart, hidden inside Spencer's dark green T. What did it mean? What did everything mean?
She could feel her anger already fading away, leaving only a trail of questions and doubts.
"Did he try to kiss you?", she asked, her tone returning to normal.
"No", Spencer answered, and her voice was firm but really low too. "I made it perfectly clear I was there for nothing else but you and me."
"Did he flirt with you?", Emily asked her next question.
This one couldn't be responded so firmly.
"Does that really matter?"
"It's a simple question", Emily answered back calmly. "It's a yes or no question, Spensah."
Emily managed an ironic turn in that one. Even though she was still hurt, even though they were fighting over this and Spencer didn't know how long it'd take to actually make Emily see it'd been done for the best, Spencer had to smile at that.
Maybe it was a nervous smile. But she had to smile, because it was funny.
And, somehow, Emily smiled a little in return. It wasn't an open smile, just the twitch of one, a very slight turn-up of the lip, but it was there.
"He tried to flirt", Spencer answered, encouraged by the shadow of a smile, "but it didn't really work."
Because she hadn't flirted back.
"Yeah, of course he tried", Emily retorted, the smile fading away. "You're so lucky I can't really see your face in the picture", she repeated, now in a calmer, lower voice, "because if I did, and if I caught anything that I just didn't…" She trailed off, looking for the right words, but gave up and decided on continuing the sentence. "I'd be so mad you'd really remember this fight forever."
If she caught the twinkle of an eye or the blaze of a twisted smile in Spencer, all the signs she already knew so well, she couldn't be able to control her mind from imagining the worst, even if the worst was just a little flirting.
Oh, jealousy.
She couldn't really stand it.
She couldn't really stand imagining even the possibility of flirting, if it meant Spencer was flirting with Wren.
Because Spencer had kissed Wren in the past, regardless of everything that made him the wrong person. And because it was Wren. Because it was Wren, and Wren was cute and honest when he said he wouldn't really stop trying, and because Wren was Emily's official enemy from now on and forever, only second best after A. They'd both been honest (well, she'd been more honest than him, after all) and they both understood each other to a certain degree, but she would never give him a chance after this.
Spencer dared touch Emily's hand now, and this time Emily didn't completely flinch at the brush of their fingers, so she slowly took her hand in hers.
"I think I'm already gonna… kinda remember this fight anyway", Spencer said. "You're so mad at me."
She'd never seen Emily this mad, truth be told.
"Did you feel anything?" Emily asked her last question, and her voice trembled again at the demonstration of her own insecurity. Jealousy, you are a bitch. "When you were with him alone?"
Spencer squeezed Emily's hand in hers and looked into her eyes.
"There's only one thing I feel and it's you, Emily."
Emily looked away, unable to hold Spencer's gaze.
"I'm still mad at you." But her voice sounded small already.
"I'm sorry."
Anger flashed again in Emily's eyes.
"Don't say you're sorry if you're not, Spencer."
Despite the new flash of anger, Emily didn't move her hand away.
"I am sorry you're mad, Em."
Emily sent her a look that said she did accept that apology, and then looked down at her watch to check the time.
"I really have to get going now, if you don't want Hanna to get grounded because of us."
She tried to move away now, but Spencer didn't let go.
"Just… How long are you gonna…" Spencer tried to rephrase, a growing anxiety that showed in her voice, which came out raspy but a little whiny. "Like, how long will it take for you to, you know, stop being mad at me?"
Emily came closer to her, her features softening up a bit.
"It's not gonna go away in five minutes, Spencer."
It was going away already. It had already gone away, a large part of it anyway. But she couldn't just go back to her normal self in an instant.
Spencer didn't let go of her yet, though.
"Can I call you later? Or will you call me?"
"You can call me", Emily assured. "And I will call you too. Just…"
"You're still angry."
Spencer seemed more fearful now than when they first started yelling. It was Spencer's usual anxiety. She said she'd face the consequences, but it cost her a lot of effort to actually do that, no matter how much she said she would.
Emily felt her heart grow inside of her at the realization.
"I don't like feeling like an idiot", Emily finally said, grasping what was left of her anger. "You really need to stop treating me like someone in need of constant protection and backup."
Spencer seemed concerned again.
"I don't treat you like that", she replied. "And I certainly don't treat you like an idiot."
Emily shot her a blank stare.
"You let me go there for nothing. Whatever he's doing, he's doing for you."
"No", Spencer denied, realizing she hadn't really explained that earlier. "He didn't promise anything to me. He just said he'd listen to you. You're not an idiot."
Emily's eyes burned a little again.
"Maybe I'm not an idiot, but I feel like one. I know you like to call the shots, and I know you boss all of us around and I also know you do it better than anyone, but I just need you to…" She searched hard for the right words again, trying to get a hold of that last feeling. "I need to feel like I'm your equal. I need you to try… to trust my… Whatever."
She gave up trying to find the right words, but maybe she couldn't find them because they just weren't there. She just wanted to have a chance at doing something without being taken care of or directed or overprotected.
"You are my equal", Spencer replied, not really understanding. "I wasn't protecting you, I was protecting us."
Emily let out of frustrated sigh, but turned around to try look at her car. They were probably late already.
They couldn't miss Caleb's birthday.
Hanna didn't deserve all of this. Caleb didn't deserve it. It was the same Caleb who'd found her when she'd gotten drunk in that parking lot, in yet another one of her brightest moments.
"I gotta go now."
She moved away and retreated her hand.
"Em", Spencer called after her, walking in her direction. "Em, just… I don't treat you like a little child anymore."
She might have done it in the past. But she knew Emily was different now. She'd already realized before they got together, and every little thing she saw about Emily, every passing day, confirmed that impression.
But she was who she was.
And now she was anxious because she wanted to be forgiven, she wanted Emily's anger to be washed away. Already. Right now. Everything Go Back To Normal Now. Follow my orders, Day, Night and World.
And it just couldn't be.
Emily turned around upon hearing Spencer's words, only to find her really close as she approached her from behind.
They locked eyes in that meaningful way that was already there even before the kiss had happened, that was maybe the reason why the kiss had happened at all, and Emily's heart swelled again, this time more intensely, inside her chest.
Because she did love all of that about Spencer. Spencer called the shots and was never afraid of doing whatever she had to do. And she didn't realize, really, she didn't realize it when she was treating her like a child, or overprotecting her, or just not really trusting her judgment that much. Maybe rightly so. She hadn't really shone in her last decisions regarding A. She wasn't really intending to convince Wren before she decided to play the game he'd set for her, still focused on getting Aria to break in the hospital to steal, a plan that could easily go wrong, again; and it had still surprised her that he was giving her a chance. Well, he wasn't. He was giving it to Spencer. And there was nothing shocking about that, so she couldn't really act all that surprised. It was her own fault if she didn't really want to see things. It was her naiveté, the fact that she couldn't get rid of everything that made her be Emily and not really anyone else - not the person who would foresee things like these - not the person who would be prepared to catch up to Wren's game or to keep up with Spencer's pace at stealing documents without getting caught - she was this person, and Spencer was another person, the person she loved.
She got a hold of Spencer's wrist and pulled her closer for a brief kiss, signalling it was all right, it would be, and Spencer looked stunned, even grateful when they broke it off.
"Were you ever gonna tell me about this?"
"No", Spencer answered breathily, still surprised at the kiss. "But I knew A would."
So she was facing the consequences.
That was another reason for Emily to love her still, to love her more, even if she wasn't going to tell her about her meeting with Wren at all, another sign of her individualistic, protective nature. They had A, after all, to shed a crude light on them.
A, who always forced them to face the consequences of their secrets and lies.
She had to go, anyway.
"I'll call you later."
She pulled away, and Spencer let her go now. She walked back to the car without looking back. When she got in, she started the car without really saying anything to Hanna and drove as fast as she could back home, to try to avoid the punishment, at least for Hanna.
"Are we really late?", she asked halfway home.
Hanna sent her a sideways glance. "Just a couple minutes." Well, maybe it was more than ten minutes. "I texted my mom to tell her we were already driving back."
It'd happened like ten minutes ago, so at least she'd believe they'd been very slow at driving.
"I'll take the blame."
"I'll just tell her I was witness to a very romantic moment", Hanna sarcastically replied, mentioning the kiss she'd seen before Emily had come to the car, "and she'll end up crying of joy in the bathroom."
Emily sighed, not knowing what to say. She really hoped Ms. Marin would forgive them for the delay.
Hanna lifted her feet to the dashboard.
"So have you forgiven Spencer for whatever she did?"
"I…" Emily thought about it. "It's okay. I just… I wish you guys would stop treating me like I don't know how to do anything."
"Why am I being included in this sentence?", Hanna asked. "Whatever Spencer did, it's her fault, not mine. And I don't treat you like that. Both you and Spencer treat me like that. I should be the one yelling in the street and getting kissed after that."
"I don't treat you like that."
"You do."
"I don't." Emily tried to send a reassuring look to Hanna while driving. "You think I do?"
Apparently, every one of them had complaints about how they were being treated when it came to decisions in the group.
Hanna chuckled at the way Emily was starting to doubt herself.
"You do, but it's all right, I don't really care", Hanna finally said. Then she looked thoughtfully at Emily. "I'd never seen you so mad. I got really scared you were gonna break up with her or something."
Emily briefly returned Hanna's thoughtful look.
"Break up? No. I'd never break up with her."
Breaking up hadn't even crossed her mind.
Maybe only for a second did she actually think of the possibility that Spencer had done something really bad, something that she couldn't possibly forgive. Only for a second. Maybe even less than that, really. Maybe only for that instant when she saw everything red inside her head.
Breaking up wasn't an option. She wasn't so stupid as to give that much credit to her jealousy – or to Wren.
Her phone beeped.
"Can you read it?", Emily asked Hanna. It was Wren's turn after A.
Hanna took Emily's phone and read aloud. "I'll do it. Call me tomorrow night. That's great! He's gonna do it, Em."
Emily swallowed the lump in her throat at the disgust of knowing she'd have to owe this guy another favour.
"What?", Hanna asked, noticing Emily's frown and general unpleasantness. "Now we don't get happy about this?"
"You can get happy about it", Emily answered bitterly. "Spencer can get happy too. I'll just take some more time to be pissed at the whole thing."
Hanna didn't understand, so Emily told her briefly about the picture and the fight with Spencer. But she guessed she should be happy about it. It was the HGH results that mattered, not the little guy who wanted to steal her already-stolen girlfriend. She was the thief in the night, not him. He'd have to wait for his chance – with another girl. After he delivered the HGH copies to her, she was definitely done with him. She would thank him, of course. There was no other way. But Wren would be over after that. Because she wasn't giving up on becoming the best Emily Fields she could get to be, and the best Emily Fields included Spencer Hastings in the pack. And both Wren and A would suck that up. She'd find a way to do this, no matter what else happened or how many times she actually failed.
At the Hastings', Spencer slowly got back into bed, feeling wide awake at the same time and wondering if it was too early to call Emily already. Probably, it was. She barely had time to make it home by now. But Spencer wasn't good at waiting, she wasn't built for that. She always got too anxious when she had to wait, and she wondered, if she called, would she hear the same strain in Emily's voice, or would she sound normal already? Because, hell, she knew this was going to happen when she decided to call Wren, but she couldn't possibly figure Emily would get that mad, simply because… well, because Emily had never been that mad at all. Yes, Emily had a temper; a temper Spencer actually loved to see in motion, whenever it wasn't fully thrown back at her at least, like it'd been tonight. Even tonight, she had to say it to herself – she loved it. It made her weak in the knees; it was a true weakness, it was her Achilles' heel, it was her Samson's hair and her Kryptonite and what else. She loved feeling that way, knowing she could be weak – knowing it was still all right to feel weak like that, if it was because of Emily.
An equal.
There were all these things Emily did, and she didn't even realize Spencer was complying, bending her will to hers; and she did it gladly, because she liked it. It was true they engaged themselves from time to time in a battle for dominance, which generally was fought in harmony and bliss; not always, not this time, though. Spencer knew it wouldn't happen this time. No bliss, no glory was expected this time, since she'd had to act behind Emily's back. It was bad but she still did it, because sometimes, only sometimes, only whenever they were at stake (and also Hanna and Aria), the end justified the means. And she knew Emily understood why, even if it pissed her off. The only reason Emily was so opposed to her talking to Wren was jealousy. Spencer could understand that. She could understand jealousy. She could even understand this jealousy – about Wren. And, in a way, she was almost glad they'd met with him in separate spaces, because maybe, just maybe, if she did something wrong, just a little thing that was wrong or out of line, Emily would take it badly, maybe as badly as if she'd actually kissed Wren all over again, which would never happen again. But Emily was over-sensitive to the matter, as her reaction to the picture had shown, when she'd become all paranoid about the food and the drinks and her face. So it was better it'd happened this way, even if A had caused this new damage. Spencer was actually proud of herself because she had not flirted back, as bad as it sounded; it'd certainly sound better if she could say it had been easy for her; but it hadn't been easy, it had been actually hard, because she'd flirted with Wren ever since the very first time she laid eyes on him that night at her house, a long time ago, when he was still Melissa's boyfriend – or fiancé. They were both used to flirting, and then they had kissed. It was her who had to put a stop to it, and she did end it – but it hadn't been that easy to do it.
But who was Wren, if not a handy tool, a useful doctor now?
Who was Wren, as opposed to Emily?
No one stood a chance in front of Emily. What she felt now, her real, true feelings over this whole thing, it was just beyond comparison, because everything, everything paled away in front of Emily. Every aspect of her life, what she'd already lived through, her little, valuable fragments of experience in the process of growing up, went pale in front of her. Spencer still didn't know why or how it happened. Everything, from her disastrous family life to her brilliant academics to her restless search for A, from her already colorless love for Toby to her undeniable attraction to Wren, even the adrenaline that rushed through her veins when death had been right there, waiting for her, everything was nothing whenever confronted to Emily. It was nothing to a point it made her feel scared, scared that she didn't really care that much about anything else anymore, not even about her grades or about A (and she'd gotten so sloppy and slow in her detective work ever since she'd fallen in love); but she wasn't really that scared, because at the same time she could do everything now and still feel all right. It was an obsession. It was devotion, dedication: to wonder, to watch and touch and breathe every detail life had to offer to her. Life, meaning: life with her, next to her, even if it had to be lived in a constant fight against A.
Dedication.
Devotion.
Religion.
In Latin, it meant the reunion of everything separate. She wasn't religious - not in a true sense - not yet anyway, and it was a blasphemy, sacrilege, to think of Emily this way - but it wasn't even the first time. Sweet little Emily had grown to be this Emily who dominated life with a single glance from her mountain peak. Still she didn't realize it. Spencer wished Emily could see herself sometimes – from the outside. Maybe it was better this way, or else she'd probably fall in love with herself like Narcissus and all of them (Spencer too, sadly) would be sent away to the waiting line (and Spencer couldn't really stand waiting lines). But that wasn't possible for any of them; no one could do that, after all. No one could see themselves from the outside. Everyone had to rely both on inner feelings and on what the world, and especially your friends, if you were lucky enough to have them, saw. Emily had changed so much, but was still the same. She just didn't look like a deer trapped in headlights anymore but like a gazelle, running and turning and gaining every possible speed and strength. Emily, the gorgeous girl who only on special occasions flashed and showed control and power in the dark, on the bed, in the car. Oh, man, the bed and the car. Spencer wasn't afraid to acknowledge that sex had changed them. It'd brought them closer, if that was possible; yes, it was, it was possible. They could get closer, and closer still. They were still getting closer, the process never really ending. And getting closer was all that she'd ever wanted to do, either if it was through sex or through some other way, be a nice conversation or a silent stare or a nasty fight, a fight like this fight tonight. Somehow, in the crossfire, she loved that kind of closeness too: Emily's screams and doubts, Emily's questions, which she openly shared with her, not really afraid to show. That was all she ever wanted: to share all the information, to ride the wave of communication, to get close, even at that already distant time when she wasn't aware she could and would be able to get as close as to actually… sleep with this person. Not sleep: touch all the secret places, have sex, "make" love, have orgasms, that kind of stuff that still made her blush from time to time, whenever other people realized it in her. To be a part of the whole thing, if not actually the whole thing, in the process of becoming the persons they were still becoming; to become one and to merge, while they still remained. Were they already one? Could they ever be one, even when they fought about things they didn't like? Could she get inside of Emily's head and heart even more? Because that was all she ever wanted to do. She wanted to be at the pure center of it, in the eye of Emily's storm, regardless of how egotistical this might sound. But everybody knew Spencer Hastings had a big ego and great ambitions. She was both Caesar and Rome. So it was there, in the open, for everybody to see: she did want to be the reason, the center of Emily's life, because Emily was already the reason, the center of her life.
Man, she was smitten, whipped and dragged.
An equal.
Emily was more than an equal. More, because she was the reason why Spencer did things. Aria was an equal. Hanna was an equal. But Emily – she was just the reason she breathed and moved and got to be protective in the first place.
Sure, Emily had changed and grown stronger, but she was still Emily, and Emily was good, clean and noble, and cared too much; she'd probably been through too much self-deprecation at some point before coming out, even if she didn't really talk about it (Alison, are you there?). Shy in the streets. Sexy in the sheets. There were things Spencer couldn't totally discern yet. But, whatever the reasons, especially with all the pressure A was putting on them, especially with all the pressure Emily endured about the weakest link stuff, which still hurt her, as if caring too much about doing the right thing was a weakness and not a strength, especially with all of that, Emily needed protection and backup. And, no matter what, Spencer would be her backup, even if she didn't like it and protested about it; she'd be her parachute when Emily decided to jump; she'd be her highway too, the road to her future and to her dreams (and that was why the HGH results were important, for a start; that was why she'd called Wren; that was why the end justified the means). Spencer had to be all of these things or she was nothing. She just needed to be all of these things for her. She'd promised to take good care of her.
But she liked it so much.
She turned in bed again.
How much longer did she have to wait to make the call? Would Emily sound all right already?
She was wondering about it when a text came.
It was Wren: "I'll do it. And I'm hoping for your eternal gratitude!W."
She felt a little annoyed. She had been clear when she spoke to him: there was only Emily, and nothing else, nothing else she cared about anymore.
She wrote back: "Have you told her? You have my true gratitude. S."
She hoped this was enough for him, because it was the only gratitude he'd get, and it wouldn't be eternal.
Another text came: "I told her first. You're welcome. My birthday gift to you. W."
So this meant Emily already knew about it and hadn't called. This caused an increase in her anxiety levels. Why hadn't she called? She'd said she would call. Was she still that mad? She didn't seem so mad anymore when she'd kissed her in the driveway.
She got up, went downstairs to the kitchen, drank water, walked up again.
Ants in her feet, in her shorts.
She wandered around her room. Pictures of them. That picture she'd taken in the park months ago, which Emily had kind of ignored when she sent it to her, because she was avoiding all that "weirdness" between them at that point.
Eyelashes in black and white colors, signalling all of Emily's dreams.
She would do anything for her.
She sat, phone in hand.
It was so late already. What if Emily decided to wait until tomorrow? That would kill her of anxiety. Maybe that was the punishment she deserved. But she had to wake up tomorrow really early again, to pick up the trash in the streets of Rosewood. Wasn't that enough of a punishment already? Couldn't she just get the call?
She slid slowly until she lied down on the bed, phone on her stomach.
Emily, call.
Follow my orders.
As if she would do that.
The minutes passed by while her mind tried to conjure some kind of universal energy that would finally make the phone sound.
Unsuccessfully.
Both Emily and the universe kept ignoring her orders and spells.
She was actually starting to fall asleep when she received another text. Emily, finally.
"Are you still awake?"
Oh, come on. Of course she was awake. She couldn't take more time to wait so she called her the second she read the text.
Emily instantly picked up.
"Hey, you're awake."
"Yeah." Of course she was awake. Emily had to know she'd be awake. "You too."
A brief awkward silence followed.
Awkwardness: the price of her decision, of her parachute-actions, of all her previous kissing mistakes.
"Did you make it on time?", Spencer finally decided to ask. "Did Hanna get grounded?"
"We were late", Emily's sweet little voice sounded on the other end. "But I got Hanna out. I'm grounded on Saturday though, but at least tomorrow's Caleb's birthday party."
"Yeah, good." She was grounded on Saturday? Spencer was getting out of community service on Saturday. Damn. "So you're grounded on Saturday?"
"Yeah, sorry. Couldn't really help it."
Emily sounded let down too.
"I was just…" Spencer wondered if she should say it. "Since it's my last day of community service, I was just hoping we could go to my lake house to spend part of the weekend, if Hanna and Aria help with… you know, parent stuff."
She said it, but she wasn't sure it was the right moment.
She heard Emily take a moment to consider her words, and she wished she could see her face now to check if they were putting her off or cheering her up.
"It's… I can't go on Saturday", Emily finally said, "but maybe we can go on Sunday if that's all right."
Sunday was all right. It wasn't perfection, but it was all right.
"Sure." Something told Spencer to back down a little just in case. It was the bad part of not really seeing Emily's face. "I mean, if you want. Maybe it's not the best moment to ask."
She could swear she could hear Emily's smile through the phone line.
"No, it's fine, I really wanna go."
"Why are you smiling?"
"I'm not smiling."
"You are."
Now she could hear a distinct chuckle.
"I just think it's funny that you're asking me on a night like this, after we almost killed each other."
It was funny?
"Yeah, I'm funny like that", Spencer delivered sarcastically. "And anyway I didn't really try to kill you… It was the other way around. I just… It was my birthday, and it's the end of community service, and I just thought we could… you know, celebrate whatever before school starts again."
"I'm totally in for your lake house", Emily softly said, "don't worry."
Apparently, she had recovered her good humor. Then why had she taken so long to call?
Another silence followed, while Spencer wondered about Wren's message.
"So you're not mad at me anymore?", she finally went for it.
Emily sighed at the other end. "I'm not mad. I'm still a little… I don't know."
"A little I-don't-know? Is that why you took so long to call?"
"Yeah", Emily answered honestly. She paused a moment. "Wren texted me. He's doing it and wants me to call him tomorrow night."
Finally: Wren's text.
Now she just had to decide if she told her about her own text.
"I know. He texted me too."
She decided to be true, tired of keeping stupid secrets and little white lies that suddenly turned bloody red.
"Oh, okay", Emily answered, her voice already shifting to a colder tone. "So you know it's good news."
It didn't sound like good news.
The price of her decision: when good news meant bad news.
She didn't know what to say to her.
"Yeah."
"Spencer, I'm not mad anymore", Emily clarified. Spencer heard her chew on something. She was probably eating. "I'm just… It's what I said. I don't really wanna go over it again."
It being Spencer and Wren.
It being overprotection and too much backup.
The price of her decision.
"Yeah, it's all right", Spencer lied. "What are you eating?"
"Chocolate cookies", Emily answered. "I came down to the kitchen to talk to you and got hungry on the way."
Another silence. She'd better not be pushy. But she felt like being pushy again.
There was an inner struggle inside of her and someone was losing.
"Spencer", she heard Emily again. "Talk to me."
"Can I?", she asked, feeling helpless. "Can I talk to you?"
"We're talking."
Spencer sighed, recollecting her thoughts and energies.
"I don't treat you like a little child anymore", she said, picking up on her last sentence hours ago.
"I didn't say exactly that", Emily replied on the other end. "And anyway it's not totally your fault, it's probably not your fault at all. You just do whatever you do. And I try to do it too, I just… I need to feel like I can do things on my own, and this whole thing with Wren just… It was a total disaster for me. Like… the latest disaster for me." She paused and tried to change to a more optimistic tone. "But at least I'm getting the copies so that's good."
"It is good, and it wasn't a disaster for you, Emily."
"Spencer, you weren't there", Emily replied. "I would've said and done a whole different thing if I would've had all the information."
"But it worked, Em, that's what matters", Spencer argued her point.
"Yeah, I know that", Emily concluded, "now that I'm not mad."
There was another silence, but this time it didn't feel so awkward.
"You can do things on your own, Em", Spencer tried to assure. "I mean, as long as you're counting me in."
"That makes so much sense."
"It does make sense."
Emily's voice sounded firm after taking a second to consider. "I know."
"But?"
Wasn't there always a but?
"But let's just not talk about this anymore", Emily pleaded. "What were you doing before I texted you? Why weren't you sleeping? You have to wake up in, like, four hours."
Emily was also her parachute, her lifeguard, her backup.
Her highway to the future.
"I was just spinning around the room while I waited for your call."
She heard Emily chuckle again.
"Yeah, I can totally imagine that."
"So you were driving me crazy on purpose?"
"Not really", Emily replied, and again she could tell she was smiling. "First I was just convincing Hanna's mom to let Han free, and then trying to get over my bad feelings over Wren's text."
Only over that?
"So did you get over it already?"
"Yeah", Emily answered. "Although it doesn't help to know he's texting you too, but whatever."
"He won't do it anymore."
"Who cares?" Spencer heard the refrigerator door closing on Emily's side of the line. "I don't wanna talk about him. I really don't. I have to get over this… ugh. Whatever this is, I don't like feeling it."
"It's called jealousy", Spencer tried to joke and, at the same time, give it its real name. "I think you already know what it is."
"Yeah, that. I don't like it", Emily agreed almost sunnily, and Spencer smiled in return. "But you're the expert anyway, so you tell me. I don't really know how you can survive it."
Now Emily was trying to tease her.
Interesting. And appealing.
"I'm the expert? In what field exactly?"
Oh, she hoped to be the expert in only one field.
"In every field", Emily contributed to the tease. "You do know everything, right?"
And just like that Spencer knew they were back on the right track, once again travelling through the bumpy road that was ahead of them. To the future.
A/N 2: Title inspired by "Parachutes", the whole album and miniature song by Coldplay.