"Emily?"
The bed slightly moved as she sat on it, but Emily's only response was to duck her head under the pillow.
"Em." She squeezed her shoulder softly as her raspy voice called the name again. "Em, you need to get up."
"Five more minutes."
Emily's voice sounded hoarse under the pillow, but pleading as the one of a little child.
"I already gave you half an hour while I was taking a shower."
Emily's face finally made an appearance from under the pillow. She opened one eye, which seemed to be blinded by the faint light that came from one of the lamps on the bedside table.
"You took a shower?"
Her one sleepy eye examined Spencer's face: hair carefully worn in a loose braid, curls in all the right places; slight, formal make up; she looked clean and fresh despite her tired brown eyes. And she smelled of her sweet autumn perfume. Then the eye scanned down to Spencer's tight light-blue sweater and even lower to her tight red-with-a-wide-black-stripe skirt. Tight being the key word in her sleepy eyeing of Spencer's clothes.
"You got dressed?"
Now she sounded almost as if she'd been slapped or drowned in cold water to wake up: startled, and offended by it.
"I wanted to give you time to sleep."
The truth was that, since Spencer had barely slept at all tonight, she'd decided to get up, take a shower to freshen up and gain the energy she needed for the day. So she was already prepared to face the day even before the day had begun. However, Emily had been sleeping soundly and Spencer had given her as much time as she could to recover. But there was no more time now and she had to get Emily out of bed: Spencer leaned over Emily's semi-covered head and slowly sank her fingers into her dark long hair and down her neck, an affectionate gesture to help her deal with the horrendous moment of awakening when it was still so dark outside. However, the gesture only caused Emily to close her eye again and sigh in pleasure. A head-and-neck massage was probably not the best idea to wake someone up and get her out of bed, so Spencer stopped the massage and moved her hand to Emily's naked back. Touching her bare skin didn't seem like the best idea either, unfortunately. Emily sighed contentedly again, her body warm and inviting under the sheets. After a little hesitation, Spencer finally decided to move her hand away and use her voice.
"Em. It's time."
Emily's eyes were closed, but at least she mumbled something.
"Can't we stay here today?"
"I wish we could", Spencer sighed, "but we really need to go. Coffee's waiting for you in the kitchen."
Emily's whole face appeared from under the pillow now, pouty lips and open dark eyes. Her full, meaty lower lip was still swollen from Spencer's hard sexy biting last night. One more wound of war.
"I'm not you, I don't want coffee", Emily whined, "I really need sleep."
"I know, but…"
"Why do you look so good?"
Spencer cocked an eyebrow.
"Thank you." She appreciated the comment because she'd barely slept ten minutes before the alarm had set off and she'd gone to the bathroom to work on her image. She didn't want to look like one of The Walking Dead today, so it was nice to hear she was looking good. "You're gonna need coffee anyway."
"Couldn't we just skip class?"
Now, this was too much. Emily was not Hanna.
"Em, do you really want Ms. Marin to ground you during the weekend? And to tell your mom about it?"
Spencer ruthlessly pulled the sheets off now, exposing Emily's body to the fresh air of the early morning… and to her sight. Goosebumps immediately covered Emily's tan skin, and Spencer felt both sorry and turned on about it.
The wonders of love.
But she'd be ruthless anyway. She had to be.
"Plus everything else", she continued in a firm voice as she stared at the bandaged hand and thigh, "which is gonna look highly suspicious and you'll have to explain today, so you'd better start taking care of that now."
Pam Fields' menace always worked in these cases, even if she lived in Texas. Plus everything else, which obviously Emily would be delighted to forget about, but couldn't.
Emily frowned in concern, yawned, and started to move out of bed.
She shot Spencer a look full of resent.
"You don't need to sound so bitchy."
"Sorry", Spencer said truthfully, "but it's the only way."
"Can I get a shower too?"
"You don't have time", Spencer replied, "it was either the shower or letting you sleep, and you can get the shower at Hanna's."
Emily nodded and yawned again, but looked completely disgusted with herself.
"I can't get out like this."
"No one's gonna see you."
"I'm stinking."
Spencer kneeled besides her, her tight skirt rolling up a little.
"Well, no one's gonna smell you either. And you're cute."
"No, you are cute", Emily protested, looking at Spencer's perfect appearance and then at her perfect long legs, "because you got a shower and clothes and perfume. No, it's worse than that, you're perfect, you're perfectly… fuckable." There was a silence when Emily couldn't totally believe the words that had escaped her mouth, so she tried to quickly cover them up with something else. "And I'm a stinky mess who has no clean clothes to put on."
Spencer was blushing now, mainly out of amusement.
The crude sexual honesty was probably a consequence of their after-sex-tease last night… well, just a couple of hours ago. And Emily was still so sleepy she couldn't even filter what she was saying. Besides, if there was someone fuckable right now it was Emily… she was naked except for the shorts and Spencer could still smell sex in her. Basically, it was taking all of her willpower and discipline not to tell herself a lie about having five more minutes to jump in bed and send the day, Ms. Marin, Mrs. Fields, school, Caleb and A to rot in hell.
No.
She had enough willpower and discipline because it was necessary that she had them now. She'd been sloppy enough for the past months; that almost got Emily killed; not to talk about Emily's thoughts about quitting the team. Therefore, sloppy, cheesy, horny Spencer was over. Love and sex wouldn't keep her from doing everything that had to be done, everything that was in her power to do to end A's game of destruction once and forever: even if it sounded like yet another New Year's resolution, this time it was true.
Besides, she needed Emily to be completely available during the next days.
"Well, thanks again, but you're a cute-and-very-fuckable stinky mess who has to get out of bed right now", Spencer ordered, "in order to become a… you know, a cute-and-very-fuckable normal person. And I need to drive you home so that can actually happen."
Emily shot her a less resentful look this time, finally deciding to stand up.
"Can I at least wash my face?"
"Yes, but please be really, really quick", Spencer begged, taking a look at her watch, "we should be there already."
The look Spencer received now wasn't resentful… It was quite the opposite, a mixture of sleepy naughtiness and surprise, and her knees weakened upon the realization.
Love and sex were tricky, tricky things.
Love and sex.
For some reason, tonight had sent them up one or two stages in their relationship. It was their personal video-game. Something awful happened, and here they were: Spencer and Emily suddenly skipped two stages of the game, and now Emily was a super-hero, Spencer a frustrated dictator (but she'd make everything work), and they were both hornier than ever before. There was no way to understand their life at all. There was no way. They should write a book or make a movie about it. Or a TV show. Once they got to know who A was and throw the beast in jail.
"I can be quick", Emily smirked, "but… yeah, I get what you mean."
Thankfully, she didn't try anything. She seemed to be awakening too to the new day and all its problems. But Spencer only got her willpower back when Emily did turn around to walk away to the bathroom and she felt safe from… God, did she really have no way of resisting her? It was annoying… if it wasn't because she liked it. Too much. She liked it too much.
Anyway, life was insanely hard sometimes.
Or simply insane.
And it wasn't so easy to kill sloppy, cheesy, horny Spencer, apparently.
"I'll be downstairs waiting for you."
That'd make it easier. Besides, she'd left the pants and sweater Emily wore yesterday night along with a toothbrush and her dress in the bathroom, so Emily could be even quicker that way. Anyway, Spencer needed her second cup of coffee, because her battery was starting to run off already, and the day hadn't even started yet.
Emily nodded without looking back, resigned to follow orders and start the day in a bad, stinky shape, unaware, as usual, of how cute she looked no matter how bad she thought she looked.
Spencer took a deep breath because she was, in fact, always aware of it.
Ten minutes later they were in Spencer's car, both with a cup of coffee in their hands. For Spencer it was the third one of the (initiating) day, but she was lucky Emily didn't know about it or else she'd be the one to receive scolding looks and angry words now. Not that she was going to let Emily have any say about her health when it was evident she was giving a shit about her own. Although, maybe, she shouldn't make use of last night very often… since it'd most probably get them into fights like the one they had had some hours ago.
She mentally checked everything they had to do today.
Besides school and homework she couldn't finish yesterday and a meeting with the debate team, plus a visit to the GSA club which she was actually considering to join, she had to drive Emily to get her car back. Emily had to show her the messages in the library (great expectations for the day!) as well as the picture in her car. They had to meet Caleb at her house again by 6.30 p.m. She had to keep an eye on Hanna to see if she hadn't gone crazy about Caleb yet. And, depending on what Caleb found inside the phone, they'd have to discuss what to do next… which was, once again, great: they were going to have more discussions (especially with Hanna, she just knew) when what they needed was a decision, hence a ruthless, valiant dictator who could make it. But it had to be a productive, smart, benevolent dictator; not a sloppy, cheesy, horny one like her.
Damnit.
Why did she have to believe in democracy and participation? And in the rule of the best argument, which was usually hers anyway?
She turned on the radio, raging voices discussing the role of working women in society.
Bleh.
Music.
A new chick was singing a sultry, decadent song about the bliss of self-destruction in love and sex and drugs and whatever.
Feet, don't fail me now…
Take me to the finish line…
Well, Spencer thought, if you wanted your feet to walk steadily to the finish line you had to start by sleeping enough hours, getting loads of coffee and you obviously had to stop taking drugs (although coffee was some kind of a drug, now that she considered it). Probably you had to dump the wild guy you were madly in love with as well, if he was making you sad and cry, and, basically, if he was behaving like a druggie and a liar, no matter how immensely handsome and funny he was…
Change back to working women.
Emily was dozing off, her forehead against the passenger's window, holding her cup with both of her hands and between her legs as if to warm herself up.
"What are you gonna do about the bandages?", Spencer blurted out, "cause I think you can get rid of the one in your hand after you clean it up in the shower, but you'll have to tell Hanna to help you cover the thigh, at least, and check it during the day… or else you'll need to go to the hospital and skip swim practice."
Emily turned to look at her, and everything about her was haze-sleeping right now.
"I don't think I'll need to go to the hospital."
"Well, you'll have to actually look at the wound before deciding on that."
"I'll look at the wound", Emily conceded, "and then I'll decide I don't need to go to the hospital."
Did she always have to be this stubborn and frustrating? Or did she just do it to piss her off?
"You know there's more than one doctor in the hospital, right?"
As if she didn't know the actual reason why Emily refused to go to the hospital.
"Sure", Emily answered cheekily, "I do know that, plus the painkillers are working."
"You can't only trust painkillers, Em… The wound could get infected, and…"
Emily shot a cutting look, suddenly awaken.
"Spence, I know. I'll go to the hospital if the wound's getting infected, okay? Relax."
Well, she supposed that was enough of a promise.
"What are you gonna tell the team? And Hanna's mom, who'll probably ask too, if she bothers to look at your face…"
It was awful: whenever she had so much coffee and started the day so early and had so many things in her head, she couldn't really shut up. If she shut up, she was going to fall asleep… or to have sex in the car, which was also a very bad idea.
Emily widened her eyes.
"Spencer!", she called out. "How many coffees have you already had?"
Damnit.
"Caffeine's the smallest of your problems."
"It's the biggest one if you're killing yourself with it."
Oh, no.
No.
They weren't going to make this about her.
"I'd say it's still the smallest one", Spencer argued, causing Emily to roll her eyes at her, "so…"
They were already arriving at Hanna's, and she reduced the speed and parked the car a little distant from the front door, across the street. That way the car wouldn't get easily noticed. Then she turned the engine off, so it could go even moreunnoticed, and the night grew silent and almost dark again, distant, faded orangish blurs starting to paint the cold, blue sky.
Thieves in the night.
Thieves in the early morning dust.
Emily grabbed Spencer's cup of coffee and stared at her.
"So… I'll say I was running and fell… which is the truth", Emily answered the question with Aria's version of the truth. "And you're not taking any more of this."
"Sure."
She could get another one at home before going to school. Anyway she had to go back before leaving for class, because she had a whole lot of books to pick up and return to the library, so…
"Don't sure me. I know how to do it too."
Yes, she did.
"It's my decision to drink as much coffee as I want", Spencer sarcastically replied, gaining a much more dramatic eye-roll by Emily. "I just didn't sleep well tonight. Or enough."
Concern painted Emily's sleepy features.
"You didn't fall asleep like me?"
Spencer shook her head no.
"It took me a little while."
One more hour.
"But it was so late", Emily remembered. "How long?"
"I'm not sure, maybe an hour."
Emily made that cute pouty face she made when she felt guilty about something, and her swollen lip swell even more with the apologetic gesture.
"But that means… you didn't sleep, like, at all."
Spencer sort of nodded. She'd actually drifted off for ten or fifteen minutes.
"I'm sorry."
"Like I said, caffeine's the smallest of our problems right now."
Emily opened the car door but, instead of getting out, she just bent down to place both cups of coffee on the ground, away from Spencer's eyes and hands. After losing balance due both to the SUV's height and her sleepiness, she grabbed the handle like it was life-saving and closed the door again. Then she turned to seriously stare at Spencer, who was smiling her copyrighted smirk, once again amused with Emily's coffee-protective actions.
She was so freaking cute it gave her a headache.
"You have to go inside now", Spencer said, ruthless and valiant, "and I'll see you in two hours."
Emily nodded, accepting it.
"I'm sorry you couldn't sleep."
"It's not your fault."
"Oh, really? You sound so believable."
Spencer returned the cutting stare, but now she grabbed Emily's damaged hand, softly pulling the saluting fingers that stuck out of the bandage.
"Fine, it's your fault", she mocked softly, "are you getting out of the car now?"
"No."
Big surprise.
"Why?"
Emily took a deep breath.
"What time are we meeting Caleb? You don't have to feel like you're doing this alone."
"I'm a lone wolf, I like to do things on my own, you know."
"Cut the crap off, Spencer."
"6.30 p.m. My place."
Emily gave another serious nod.
"I'll be there."
"I don't doubt it."
Emily seemed resigned again and, without disentwining their fingers, she moved closer to give Spencer a quick kiss on the lips before getting out.
It was Spencer who stopped her, not letting the fingers go.
"Wait."
Emily carefully closed the door again and approached her with an interrogative expression.
She was so insanely beautiful.
Damn the lack of sleep and the excess of caffeine, it was making her feel too much again.
"I can't…", Spencer stuttered over her too many feelings, "I can't ask you about…"
Emily squeezed her hand in return.
"Ask."
"You won't…" So many things had happened that she wasn't sure how to talk to her about things anymore. What verb tenses, what verb forms to use. So she coughed her stutter away and tried to use the best words she could think of. "Just tell me you won't make any decision today or tomorrow… that you're gonna wait until we see what's going on with the phone… please."
But it did sound like she was pleading for a promise, right?
And that wasn't going to work.
Emily frowned at her.
"Of course not, Spencer. I'll… I won't…"
She didn't know how to talk about it either. Maybe it was not the time yet. 5.41 a.m.
"Just tell me you'll wait until we see what's going on. I need you to wait."
Wait for me.
Wait till I do my job.
"I'll wait, Spence, that's for sure", Emily assured, "I mean, it's… I don't think there's anyone who wants this more than me. And especially I won't do anything without you knowing…"
Spencer breathed.
That wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, but it was at least close. But how close? She'd already listened to similar things. And they kept talking about the future, using words that would help them get a grip of reality so they could keep getting up in the morning and going to bed in the evening and living every day like there was some kind of control, some stability in their lives. But the truth was there wasn't any control and everything could change in a second with a single text A sent to one of them, and nobody would know about it.
Nobody would know.
Not even her.
"You don't quit something you love when things get tough, Emily."
Emily's expression hardened.
"Are we talking about this now?"
"No."
It wasn't the right moment, that was true. But there was this fear of anything, of everything. That was the reason Emily didn't want to leave the car and that was the reason Spencer didn't want Emily to leave the car. Not yet.
Besides, she couldn't put a GPS control and a mind-control in Emily, right?
"I'll never quit the team if I have some other choice."
"There's always another choice."
"Right", Emily said, "there's the choice of waiting until my life's destroyed so I can fight to claim it back, but that's the one I'm not gonna consider… cause I already live kinda like that all the time."
Spencer felt her heart twist and shrink and cry.
"You know, what you said yesterday… or some hours ago… about me going to jail. It wasn't like this."
"Spencer, I know that."
"Because I would've never gone to jail on purpose, I would've never gone to the police to tell them to put handcuffs on me just because I was in love with you."
Emily rolled her teary eyes.
"Was?"
"Am."
Verb tenses.
"I never tried to say it was the same thing, Spencer", Emily struggled to explain, "I tried to say this is… And I'm not even saying I'll quit the team forever… or even that I'll quit at all. I'm just saying it'd be a…" She tried to search for the most adequate expression. "It'd just be an strategy to get the swim team out of this mess, and at the same time to get us out of it."
"You're not gonna get us out by quitting the team, Em."
"I might get a part of us out."
"Which part?"
"The part that's scared it's gonna happen any moment", Emily crudely exclaimed, "the part that's scared it's gonna hurt us… it's gonna use us even more."
Spencer sighed, understanding the feeling of constant fear and pressure. But she had to deactivate it because… she really did. It was the wrong decision if Emily ever decided on it.
"But you don't know that", Spencer argued her best argument, "and it's a cowardly thing to do to think about quitting when you don't know something for sure…"
Oh, she'd said the wrong word.
She could see Emily's eyes filling with even more tears, her upper lip trembling with the sound of Spencer's words.
"Okay, so I'm a coward", Emily defensively accepted, "I get it, but this coward thinks it might be a good strategy for us. And it's still my call."
My call, my decision.
"You're not a coward. I didn't mean it like that."
"But you said it. That's what you think anyway so you can say it. You're allowed to say it."
She was really hurt.
"I don't think you're a coward and you know."
"No, I don't know what you think about me. I know you love me just as much as I love you", she said, surprisingly verbal, "and I know you think I'm too good, and I know you wanna protect me. But, you see, it's not… It's not about you thinking I was always so great because I came out of the closet, because I never actually came out of it. I was sorta pushed out and then I had to live with it. So you can say it, Spence, it's okay."
"But you were always great", Spencer argued, a little taken aback, "what do you mean? Em, there's no one I…"
"Admire so much, right? Cause I was always so brave."
"You were. It takes a lot to…"
"I don't care."
Spencer moved nervously on her seat, because she wasn't being allowed to finish any of her sentences and that always made her nervous. But it'd been her who'd screwed up the conversation this time, by mentioning the coward word to a person who was constantly being attacked with the weak-link weapon, so it was up to her to fix it. She lifted her feet up to the seat so she could turn to face Emily directly. It was a little hard with her skirt, but she made it, bending both of her knees and letting them rest on the seat. Then she took her flats off, guessing it'd take a few minutes until she left.
"Just because all of that happened to you", she started, "and so much else, Em, and you're still who you are…"
"That makes me the bravest person in the world."
"Yes", she confirmed, "and… you kissed me. I never had the guts to even realize there was something between us and…"
"So?" This caught Emily by surprise. "You… It's not about guts. I'm pretty sure you'd have sexually assaulted me if you hadactually realized there was something."
"Sexually assaulted you?"
That might be a little too much for a starter.
Emily gave a little smile.
"I'm kidding… But you would've talked to me if you had seen it. But you didn't, because you're not like that."
"Like what? Like gay?"
Emily rolled her eyes again.
"Like the person who knows everything", Emily explained, "yes, you know a lot of things… but you don't see everything because sometimes you're just thinking of some other enormous question that's incredibly more important."
Books.
Internships.
The future of the world.
A.
"What could be more important than this?"
Perhaps she would have sexually assaulted her if she had seen it. Like she would sexually assault her now if she could, if they had time, if things were normal.
"Exactly", Emily eagerly confirmed, "there's nothing. Not even A."
Spencer shrugged, teary-eyed as well. "Nothing."
"You weren't looking at it, Spencer", Emily explained for the millionth time, "you thought you were in love with someone else. Why's it so hard to accept for you?"
She didn't know why, but it still bothered her so much.
She shrugged again, her shoulders giving away the feeling of frustration.
"I should've been looking at it."
They were best friends.
"Well, you weren't, and it's fine. I wasn't looking at it either until it was just… too obvious to ignore."
They both fell silent, wondering about how they'd ended up here, talking about the beginning of Them again. But that wasn't the beginning. Nobody knew the beginning.
Oh, bravery.
That was why they were talking about this.
Guts.
Outings.
Weak-Links.
"I do think you're one of the bravest persons I know, Em. You're a survivor, you're strong. You can take anything."
Emily gave her one of her wise, knowing smiles. The ones that still amazed her, because they came from such a shy, sweet human being.
"We're all survivors."
"We are", Spencer admitted, "nothing can take us down."
And nothing would.
Nothing.
Emily moved a little closer, wanting to meet Spencer's gaze more directly.
"We should play it every night while we're sleeping", Emily joked, "until we finally believe it. We're gonna make it. Nothing will ever take us down. With your voice so it sounds better."
She faked a really low voice, which actually came out a little hoarse because of the lack of sleep.
"I know it sounds like psycho-babble stuff", Spencer admitted, and god did she hate that kind of self-affirming statements, "but it's true, we'll make it through this."
"No matter what."
"No matter what", Spencer agreed, smiling, "against all odds."
"It sounds like a song, not like psycho-babble bullshit", Emily said, "I know because I'm taking a psycho-babble class this year… and you're not in it. It'd sound more like learning to say no is part of everyday's yes. Or something tricky like that."
Spencer laughed, feeling light-hearted all of a sudden. Maybe it was her own enormous love-and-sex intoxication but, even though she'd always had this gorgeous sweet-but-sly thing about her, Emily was getting sexier by the minute.
"Right, Aria's taking it too."
Emily nodded. "We're psycho-babbling together."
"You two are probably too good at it", Spencer chuckled, "so you should come up with a line… you know, for us. We're gonna break through the eyes of darkness. That sounds more like Aria talking about Jenna, though."
Emily smiled widely.
"It does."
"You have to come up with one that's just yours."
She seemed to think about it.
"I'm just too tired to think of one now."
"You already said a couple."
"But they're not good enough…" She struggled with herself, frowning intensely, and it was again so sexy to see her like that. "We'll go all the way to infinity… and beyond", she finally said, shrugging, "but it's not mine… although you should know I do believe it very strongly."
"Toy Story. That's a good one."
"You watched it?"
Her eyes sparkled when she asked.
"I was a child once, you know."
"A child who watched The History Channel."
"I've got nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat", Spencer contributed her fake orator voice, "and we have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. But we'll make it, cause I say so."
Emily raised her brow comically, because she'd recognized the famous Churchill war speech.
"You're far too skinny to say those words, Prime Minister."
"How dare you call Mr. Churchill skinny?"
"I'm certainly not calling him skinny."
They laughed, clearly entertained with their joke.
Life was insane.
"So you're saying I'm skinny… And here I was thinking you were so dumb you wouldn't recognize Mr. Churchill talking to you."
Emily wisely decided to let the dumb-joke go.
"I'm saying you're way prettier and less sweaty than Mr. Churchill."
"That's not the word you used when you woke up."
Emily blushed, rushed blood darkening her high cheeks.
"True. But it means the same."
Spencer smirked, knowing life was insane, knowing one more step and they'd be making out in the car.
Love and sex.
They were calling her like sirens, tempting her to make her fall into the sea.
She internally called her self-discipline to order, averting her eyes from Emily's blush to check the lights of the Marins' house and in the sky.
Everything was still dark.
"Point being", she went back to her analytic, slightly ironic tone, "we'll win this war, cause we're the good ones."
"We will."
"You will."
Their tone was serious again, and Emily moved even closer to her. Now the fabric of her borrowed pants was touching her shin, and even though the tease was over she felt her discipline easily wavering and shying away from her, the bitch. She needed to resist her own impulses or they'd never break through the eyes of darkness, they'd never go to infinity… and beyond, they'd never go anywhere out of Rosewood, never be free.
Emily looked deep into her eyes.
Infinity.
Beyond.
"If you think I can win the war too", she asked quietly, "why can't you accept this might be a good strategy if things really go against us?"
Spencer felt her heart cringe again, cry again.
"Because it's a mistake." She tried to explain her point once more. "You don't quit your dream, Em, your plans, you don't give them over to an enemy on a silver plate."
"I never said I'd quit swimming forever, Spence", Emily repeated, but didn't sound so quiet anymore, "I said it'd be an strategy to keep the HGH from being released."
"I know, but it's… the wrong strategy", Spencer summarized, "you won't…"
You won't survive.
It will kill you.
And if it kills you, it will kill me.
But she had just said Emily would win the war. They would all win the fucking war.
England under the bombs.
The Blitz: that was the name. England resisted through the continuous bombings during 1940 and 1941, before the United States entered the war after Pearl Harbour. They were alone, isolated. France had already been defeated. The Soviet Union had a pact with the Nazis before they were invaded too. They were alone and isolated but they resisted, an island under fire, under lightning.
The Blitz.
She had been a History Channel kind of kid. She was still that kid, in a sense.
"It won't kill me", Emily answered, "I will survive. Didn't we just say that?"
Emily read between the lines so perfectly. She could always read her so well, defy her so well.
It made her shiver.
"But it's… not right."
"You know what?", Emily said, and Spencer looked straight at her, forgetting her thoughts about England and World War II. "A can kill any of us like he or she killed Ali, and that's the real problem we have."
Spencer gave her a tell-me-about-it kind of look.
"You should know after facing death a few hours ago."
Emily looked down, ashamed.
"Yeah."
"Well, apart from that, it's still…"
It would destroy her.
All of her plans.
"So basically you believe I'll be perfectly fine when everybody out there's thinking I used drugs to become a swimmer, right?", Emily asked, back to defying Spencer. "And that won't kill me."
No, that was bad too.
Spencer knew how bad it was, how not right it was. But they would fight it, prove it, kill it.
England under the bombs.
She felt suddenly so weak and heavy, like the whole world was falling on her and she was far too skinny to carry it conveniently. She needed thick layers of grease and muscle to lift it, to endure the weight of it. More than that, she needed sleep and caffeine, but not at the same time. And sex. But not at the same time. Maybe one after the other: caffeine, sleep, caffeine, sex, sleep, sex, caffeine, etc.
Was Churchill having sex when he had to defend England from the Blitz?
It was unlikely, given his not very appealing looks, to put it nicely.
She returned Emily's questioning gaze.
"I'll always look out for you."
Was that all that she had to offer? Her blood and toil and tears and sweat. And her brain.
Emily's black eyes shone as she pulled Spencer's legs apart to make room and approach her with her entire body. Soon they were again breath to breath, eye to eye, and her own body trembled when she felt her skirt really struggling to roll up in this half-sitting position. They obviously kissed (it was bound to happen) and Spencer tasted the swell in Emily's lip, the scar that'd be hers, a product of her doing, although it'd leave an invisible mark, unlike the ones left by A on Emily's thigh and hand.
Bites, bruises, scars.
Her tongue would gladly taste and lick all of them again, right now.
Their noses brushed when their tongues abandoned the game, and she felt afraid Emily was going to push her skirt up as much as it'd be possible in the car and to start another game, one they shouldn't be playing here and now. She felt afraid, but she wanted it to happen too.
It was that bad.
It was insane.
But it didn't happen, and Emily left her skirt alone.
"You'll always look out for me", Emily repeated instead, "you'll always be with me."
"I'll always look out for you."
"Same here."
She felt herself melting in too many ways.
However, they were stuck in a romantic verbal promise which, anyway, was true. And they both knew it was true. But it was a promise. It was as good as words and hormones and flying saucers in a world where so many things could happen tomorrow.
And it didn't solve the problem.
But it was true.
"I'll help you", Spencer tried once again, "we'll get A."
Now she wasn't sure if she was talking only about catching A, about helping Emily through the HGH release or about supporting her whatever the decision she made.
She was probably talking about all of it.
But she didn't want to.
"I have a question too", Emily said, reading between the lines again. "Can I ask?"
Spencer nodded, approving of any question Emily wanted to ask, but feeling afraid of them as well.
Emily seemed to be struggling with the same feelings, because she was hesitant to choose the words.
"I can't even say it", she finally said, laughing a little nervously, "I am dumb."
"Just say it."
She exhaled air in a long breath as if to encourage herself.
"Will you call it off if I do something you don't… you know, if you don't like it? And I don't mean kissing someone or calling people's numbers or fooling around or any of the things you'd obviously dump me for."
"What do you mean then?"
Spencer knew what she meant, but if Emily wanted an answer she'd have to say all the words.
"If I quit", Emily said, locking her gaze with hers. "Will you try to stop me by breaking up with me? If you think I'm fucking my life up… Like you broke it off with Toby to keep him safe."
"It's not the same situation."
"That's not what I asked, Spencer."
"You're not gonna quit", Spencer panicked, "you're giving me time."
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes I'm giving us time. I'm giving everything time."
Spencer opened her mouth, trying to think as her heart rushed to her throat.
"I can't let you quit."
But she couldn't break up or call it off. Emily wasn't Toby. She broke up with Toby to keep him safe. But it wasn't the same thing.
Why were they even talking about breaking up after kissing?
"So you'll call it off to stop it."
"I didn't say that."
"You haven't answered, Spencer."
"I did", Spencer defended her point, "I said I can't let you quit."
Emily sighed. "You know if you call it off… it won't work."
They stared at each other, once again calculating too many things at once.
"It's not about quitting this or quitting that, Em", Spencer finally replied, annoyed and frustrated. "It doesn't… I don't quit. It's not who I am."
But she had quit Toby, if only to save him.
"You quit Toby."
Did she have to always read her mind?
"Cause it was Toby, not you. And it's not the same thing. Toby didn't even know about A."
Emily nodded in understanding, but kept looking straight at her, reading her.
"That's why I'm asking you."
"Are you afraid I will?"
She looked down now, shaking her head in an ambiguous manner. Yes and no.
"I need to know how you feel about it."
"You don't quit the things you love", Spencer answered heatedly. "Works for both of us, Em, it goes in two directions."
Emily breathed deeply, then gave her the sweetest kind of expression.
"And you know… calling it off won't do."
"Do what?" She somehow knew what Emily meant, but she asked anyway.
"Stop us."
Spencer swallowed, because Emily seemed to be so certain nothing would ever stop them.
"You seem so sure."
"That's because I'm sure", Emily replied, frowning. "You're not?"
Were they going to fight again?
Or was Emily trying to convince her even though she'd said she wasn't a quitter?
Funny thing was she also knew quitting wouldn't stop them. It wouldn't stop her. If they ever called it off to fool A, or even if she tried to use that as her own strategy to stop Emily from making the wrong decision, she couldn't… No, she couldn't evenstand the thought of it. She would see her everyday. She would touch her – eventually she would. She would sexually assault her the second she saw her in a dark corner, especially if Emily wanted to be found there.
Love and sex were tricky, tricky things.
Cheesy, horny dictators in love.
Rule of best argument.
Hormones.
Hormones made the best arguments.
Hormones should die.
Only brains should survive.
Caffeine.
She had had too much of it, but it would keep her brain running for the day.
"I don't wanna stop us", Spencer summed up, "and I won't."
"And you can't."
Why did Emily have to use that argument to show her they wouldn't be able to stop it? It wasn't as if she'd even brought it up, yet Emily was making sure to exercise her powers.
It was frustrating.
But it was sexy too.
She tried to turn the tables on her.
"And you could?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you wouldn't be able to stop it either."
Emily smirked, but it was sweet again.
"You're… too right."
If they both couldn't do it, why weren't they having sex right now? She wrapped her hands around Emily's neck in order to pull her closer for another kiss, but she stopped the move right when Emily was parting her lips to continue the dance.
She had powers too.
Amazing powers.
"Cause I'd make sure to look perfectly fuckable every day, you know."
Emily widened her eyes and her cheeks blushed so furiously it was impossible not to notice despite her dark, tan skin.
Powers.
Hormones worked in both directions.
Emily swallowed her embarrassment away, but her eyes darkened, consuming and playful.
"You're right… again."
Yes, calling it off… it would never work.
But there was a reason why they weren't having sex right now: willpower, discipline, ruthlessness.
It was because they were discussing problems.
They had to catch A.
And Emily had to get inside the Marins'.
Now.
So she let go of her neck after offering a chaste kiss that clearly surprised Emily, who was probably expecting something a little more heated than that.
"You have to get inside. It's getting late."
Although, in truth, it was getting early.
She couldn't avoid the let-down voice, and Emily smiled in recognition as she turned to look at the house, trying to collect her own willpower and discipline.
She opened the door, preparing to leave the car, to leave for the day to start, and Spencer fought herself, told herself she was just leaving for a couple of hours, she would see her in a couple of hours, and everything would seem a little more normal at school. But things had seemed relatively normal at school - yesterday. Couldn't she just found a GPS, a mind-control that would work inside Emily? Couldn't she just... make her stick around all the time, manage to convince fathers, mothers, friends, teachers, people in general, people of the world, to just let her stick around all the time?
Two hours.
Emily was hopping out but then she backed down, regretting something, and Spencer saw the blazing blackness of her eyes approaching her for a last kiss.
No, it would never work.
Instead of a kiss, she felt Emily's lips brushing her cheek to reach her left ear, where her teeth softly grazed the lobe before speaking in a secret whisper, making her tremble and jump into the ocean, all senses lost in pure infinity and sheer insanity.
"You wouldn't even need to try, Spencer. You always look perfect like that, always."
She didn't totally understand at first. But then she did and, despite the shyness, or because of it, the words sounded soinsanely hot she had to grab Emily's head until her mouth was on hers and they were again kissing a little too hard and a little too heavy. It lasted a few seconds, maybe a couple of minutes, she didn't know exactly how long, and the smell drove her crazy because Emily still smelled of a bed, of their bed, and this was a car and a car was just as good as any other place… well, probably not if they were parked in front of the Marins'. And there were reasons why they were parked here and not in some dark, deserted corner of the world where her skirt would totally roll up and Emily's pants would totally roll down. And, more than anything now, she had to be ruthless and valiant and disciplined.
Not wanting to let go, she let go, she pushed away to go.
She had to.
She watched her cross the street and walk towards the Marins' still dark and quiet house, just one minute past the hour Hanna had set as a limit. Her sex-stinky, cute-messy swaying figure opened the door and sneaked in masterfully, like she was already used to that kind of thing. She was. They all were: sneaking in and out in the strangest circumstances one could ever imagine. Life was so insanely hard and crazy. Once Emily disappeared inside, Spencer thought she should go home, have more coffee, finish homework, wait until she'd go to school again. But she didn't. She just stayed in front of the house, watching the lights of day advance and finally break through the night, exactly like they would finally break through this lightning, bombing war, through this insane life where they talked about jails and murders and sacrifices: she promised herself she'd be strong, this time she would be strong for real, she'd take everything seriously again instead of whining and she'd win and A would be defeated. Emily had offered time. She wanted this more than any of them. Well, that wasn't actually true. All of them wanted the phone to work, even Hanna; all of them wanted this war over and done with. Everyone had to fight their battles, now it was her turn to really fight hers - and win.
The day was here, and she turned the engine on, heading back to her empty house.
Time.
And time passed in a frenzy, hectic rush of days and weeks while they worked with Caleb, watched the videos where some of their main suspects – Ian, Garret, Jenna – danced and faded out in Alison's room the last day she was alive, quarrelled with Hanna after she decided to destroy part of the evidence in order to save Caleb from being targeted, carried on a pact of silence with Caleb to keep Hanna out of the phone-operation, searched the city for leads that drove to more leads, cornered Garret to make him nervous, to let him know they were getting close, they were breathing on his neck, received angry, ironic, cryptic texts from A, always riding on caffeine, always riding high on caffeine and love and sex and self-discipline to keep themselves awake and running. Two weeks passed and Spencer received a text from A (Are you gonna let her drown? -A) and Emily received more texts from A, and Aria and Hanna received their own texts from A. Two weeks passed until Emily spoke to the coach and quit the team due to personal, academic stress. Nobody could believe it. And, still, everybody bought it. Everybody let it pass. Everybody acted like they could move on and accept it, except for them, because they knew the reason behind Emily's actions. Except for Spencer, who argued her heart and her brain out to stop it, but couldn't stop it because it was Emily's call, Emily's decision, and because she couldn't, wouldn't do what A said she had to do, firstly because she wasn't sure what that was or even if it'd make sense or work out, secondly because she refused to play A's tricks when it came to Emily, thirdly, or maybe most importantly, because she couldn't, wouldn't quit the thing she loved the most. She was unable to do it. Emily quit - it'd be temporary. They were getting really close to A. The videos kept coming. Caleb was working hard to save Hanna's ass, although he didn't know why Hanna's ass was in danger. And Hanna was out of the game.
Life was insane.
Life was insane while Spencer Hastings sniffed the city for clues like a rabid dog that'd been unleashed and sent out on a mission.
A/N: Title taken from "Born to Die", song by Lana del Rey.
A/N2: As you can see, I'm gonna stick to season 2 while season 3 advances. There's still a lot to come...
Thanks so much for the wonderful reviews on the LONGEST CHAPTER EVER!
anon: :) This one had its brighter moments and its angst... I think the end of this chapter sets the situation off for the chain of resolutions... but there's still a lot of fic to go.
sheeshme: Thanks! I'm relieved. It was so long and I felt I was repeating myself in some parts... Glad you liked it!
TwoFive25: Hey, you caught up! Great! Haha, both the fight and the sex scenes were supposed to be FIRE! LOL
sieamberc: That's totally my idea: when there's no control you don't know if you're hurting the one you love or not. You don't have the answer, you just try your best, but it's scary. Oh, and we had Spencer's voice all through this chapter and will have her a lot more during the next chapters, although I'll still give a lot of room to Emily. But don't worry, Spencer's voice or stream-of-thought is back. AND - I don't want to give too much away, but we're gonna have definitely two VERY important scenes with Aria; also with Hanna; we already got Veronica Hastings but we're gonna get Peter Hastings in two scenes, because the Hastings are definitely a theme of the fic; we'll probably get Pam Fields too. Don't forget about Paige - she's gonna have a direct presence in at least 2 chapters, then is gonna be around longer. And... in order to close all the lines, we'll also get another Toby scene and probably another Wren scene before the end. So there's A LONG ROAD ahead. But, yeah, you're definitely getting Aria, Hanna and Peter Hastings :D
LaughLoveLiveXx: that was, indeed, a KEY sentence: "And I needed it". You always get them! And it's important because it's about gaining back the connection but also about gaining control of their relationship, of both of them being there, at the same time, feeling it. It's Spencer, after all. Fire and Ice... There'll be a chapter called Ice... I won't say more... But I think it's also very Emily-centric because, really, it is Emily who constantly defines Spencer as fire and ice... or her love for Spencer as fire and ice. So, basically, I think they're both fire and ice, even if it seems more related to Spencer. Thanks for your always clear insights!
x-sugarfree-x: You thought Emily wouldn't quit the team, huh? Well, she certainly didn't want to. But circumstances are extreme and they're both scared...
IxHeartxGlee: :))) It is a problem... between them. We saw why explicitly in this chapter. But we're gonna see how the problem develops...
xkxtxfx: They're definitely good at hurting each other... sadly they always know what to say to hit the right spot. And, yes, the competitive streak... It's interesting that you mention it cause I play with it around a lot, they like defying each other to get to see things no one else would see of the other. Sex was definitely a safety net as a form of communication and intimacy... but it's still fire in that sense you say. And the line that stroke you... you had a good insight, because it was about how tired they were going to be but it IS also related to this chapter (Born To Die being the song Spencer listens to in the car) as a foreshadow of the insanity they're getting into (due to A). But let me tell you this: I WILL NEVER KILL OFF ONE OF THESE CHARACTERS! I'd rather chop my head off than killing them, I love them too much :D
Mona: Don't worry about the French! I love French... and I can use my Translator! So... now you know what's gonna happen. Well, you know a little... but you don't know what's really gonna happen! :D There's still A LOT of fic to go on. I'm gonna try to solve every line and theme I opened... so there's a lot to come. I'll probably write something longer than Great Expectations! xD Merci beaucoup again for your lovely review!
Waves of Rage: :D It does have its appeal, I won't deny it...
theninemuses7: THANK YOU!