Summary: After quitting the swim team, Emily visited the pool and ran into Paige. They talked (about swimming, about Spencer) and Paige offered to help her. Spencer received a text from A and decided to confront Paige to know what was going on with Emily. Besides, Emily's b-day's coming...
Spencer ran towards the girls' locker rooms after finishing hockey practice.
They had two classes together, but she decided to wait until they both finished practice in the afternoon. Sometimes she caught a glimpse of her in the lockers. It wasn't like she actually paid attention to her; she hadn't even noticed the way she was wearing her hair long; the clothes she was wearing were definitely different too, more stylish, worn with a careless, arrogant edge, as if it was an affirmation of a new self; not the kind of want-but-can't skirts and blouses she used to wear years - even months - ago. When did she start to change? What did it mean? Why was it suddenly important? Everybody changed over high-school anyway. Talk about Hanna: Hefty Hanna, Hanna Banana (all the stupid nicknames people gave), but Hanna was her own person now, nothing similar to the one she used to be back when Alison was alive and yet – she remained herself, always beyond the image of the day. Talk about change, talk about Mona Vanderwaal: the dorky freak with the popularity wish, trying so hard to fit in, one could say almost with a psychotic streak (now that Spencer came to think about it); the same Mona Vanderwaal who wanted to fall under Alison's spell (besieging the company of the chosen ones, wanting to belong with them) resembled now a disco ball of lights and colors, still trying too hard, in Spencer's opinion, yearning for attention in strident screams that drove Spencer crazy. Maybe it was because Spencer couldn't really stand Mona's voice; more generally her appearance and overall irritating behavior. However, yes, talk about annoying, talk about dorky freaks, talk about Spencer Hastings herself, as Hanna would point out were she here with her blond-bomb caustic wisdom (she was here anyway, talking to Spencer in Spencer's mind): not that Spencer had ever been considered a loser by the school population (probably by virtue of the Hastings name, although she was certain Alison had everything to do with it too, in a sense she'd grown to dislike so much it scared her) but Spencer used to be only bones and glasses before becoming the epitome of sexy - or at least classy - chic. Chic was Spencer's thing: Hanna ultimately agreed on it, even if the French touch to the word would certainly escape her. Hanna, Hanna. Hanna was funny. Hanna was loyal. Hanna was true - somehow transparent. Spencer was sort of loving Hanna so much these days, after their peace treaty. Because, really, what could she do without Hanna, where would she be? Everything she knew about Emily now, mostly it was thanks to Hanna, at least until she received the wonderful text and the attached picture yesterday afternoon.
There was Aria too.
Talk about her with the pink highlights and the rocker pose (Aria was always cute, though, no matter how punk she made the effort to look, it was always pointless). Talk about Emily. Yes, they could talk about Emily too: Emily Fields (Em, just for friends; Em, the name reserved for the close circle of intimacy). Emily was never given a nickname, never tried hard to fit in or to stand out, never cut her own self to fit a funkier image and to impress the world. She didn't need that. Her presence – at first so shy but still gentle, later challenging and somewhat daring (but was it like that only for Spencer?), with that air of mysterious mischief and hidden temper that remained guarded, saved for someone else to see and enjoy (that would be Spencer), a treasure of all sorts Spencer had found, a mystery solved at least for a while, although Spencer was still working on it, she'd be working on it all her life, that was what she was expecting to do, really, that was going to become her real profession, that was her job, that was what she did best. In any case, Emily's sole presence had always been enough: Before Coming Out Emily was (apparently) softer on the edges, but after the big event she displayed the unique capacity to be singularly sweet and strong, modest and proud, kind and sharp (her own version of sharp), all these delicate, subtle contradictions Emily was at the same time, all of them reconciled in the one single person who didn't have to make a fuss tobe herself, who didn't need to emphasize anything because it was already enough with being herself. Emily had always been interesting; at least for everybody, maybe not so much in her own view of things. Always a swan, the swan had grown to transform into a more lustrous type of swan when she changed, so basically Emily's swan grew into another swan and yet into another one and so on and so forth, altogether in a change of perpetual beauty that always repeated itself, swan after swan after swan. Yes, that was Emily Fields; talk about her. Spencer was here to talk about Emily Fields to a person whom she didn't really want to talk to at all; to a person who was apparently experiencing her own set of changes; more importantly, to a person who could be having an actual perspective into Emily's own sense of inner change.
Change.
Swan inside the swan - Matryoshka dolls - ordered in reverse.
Change happened in time: only Alison hadn't changed, for the obvious reasons. The rest – they had changed because they were alive. Even Paige McCullers was changing. Talk about freak, talk about psychotic (no, Spencer couldn't afford to think in these terms now that she had to carry out an actual conversation with her). Besides, it was senior year so it was only natural that Paige would also go through some changes like everybody else; she might be a freak but after all she was human too, and she was very much alive, another piece in the small chessboard at Rosewood High; she could have saved the change for college, had she been kind and considerate towards others, particularly Spencer, because Spencer didn't really have time to waste on Paige McCullers' changes right now; she had so much to do, so much to solve still. Change. Kind and considerate were not qualifications Paige would ever fit into; she would always be too rough, too misdirected regardless of how much she changed. Yet – the change. Spencer could smell it and Hanna would smell it too, in fact Hanna would love to say what it meant. Hanna would die to judge the style, to classify clothes into this or that category (Hanna was certainly good when it came to classifying clothes, if not other things) and give a conclusion to Spencer about their meaning. The conclusion about the person might not be entirely right, but the conclusion about clothes… that would be right for sure, because Hanna had an eye for clothes, that was her field of expertise, right? So maybe Spencer should have consulted Hanna on this one. Not that Spencer cared about the meaning of clothes, not in her normal, regular life anyway, but it was true she did need to know – right now – what had changed in Paige McCullers, the impact it was having, mostly if the conversation with Emily was about the team captainship or if it went further, deeper than that, if it reached the caves and curves of Emily's psychological condition these days; if it reached Emily in any way, to what extent, in what measure, in what specific sense; even if it'd been a conversation at all.
Change.
Change happened in time.
Time was flying so fast - Spencer didn't really have it, Emily was running out of it. But the change in Paige – it was clear. Caught in flashes with her sideways vision, they were details Spencer ignored like she ignored everything irrelevant (the world was filled with so many hints anyway, she had to discard certain things or she'd be forced to follow so many different paths, so many contradicting routes). However, they were recorded somewhere in her brain in case they would become useful, the way they had become useful today. It was all coming back to Spencer. These hints, these little pieces of a change-puzzle she didn't care about - breadcrumbs she could pick up with her beak of a mouth just to swallow - smoke signals to a destination willingly ignored. There was no way she was ever going to care about McCullers. No way. For many (valid) reasons. But Emily – that was a completely different matter. The certainty of Emily's importance required Spencer to acknowledge Paige McCullers; preferably in private, because she was going to hand her an invitation for a surprise party so no one would hear, especially people who weren't invited, especially people who shouldn't find out; especially Emily, the birthday girl, the self-repeating swan who was turning seventeen in some days. Seventeen swans, seventeen different ways to become a swan, to grow into one's own self.
Time.
It had been six months and nine days since they were dating.
It had been two months and eighteen days since Spencer had also turned seventeen.
I probably fell at your feet the minute you were born.
The minute you were born.
Emily had said those words to her but it had been the other way around. Spencer was born first, and hence Spencer fell at Emily's feet the minute she was born. They didn't know it was the other way. Nobody knew. Spencer hadn't known for a long time.
When did she fall in love?
Time.
When did she fall so hard she couldn't even breathe like the rest?
Spencer touched the pendant Emily gave her for her birthday (it was her, she said, meaning her heart). This was about Emily Fields, not about anybody else. Regarding Spencer's calculations, they barely had a month to do something about Emily's situation or things would start getting tough; which meant Spencer had about a month to finally get A's head and throw it inside her bag in order to show it to Emily. All of this, of course, also meant Spencer had to be careful not to mess the situation up. Including Paige McCullers.
It was a delicate subject.
Emily.
The team.
Emily.
Emily Fields.
An invitation.
To a party.
That was all.
This was not a chance for A to mess with her head.
There she was - dressed and ready to leave - the freak who was changing too, like everybody else in school.
The psycho with a name.
Why Paige?
Emily, why Paige?
Why couldn't you choose somebody else?
Spencer approached the distinctive figure in a panther-like manner, allowing herself to study the fresher sight of Paige, the last of the swimmers in the room which was now being invaded by the field hockey players. They would be going to the showers soon; not Spencer, though. Unfortunately, the conversation would be held in unequal terms, since swim practice had ended early today: a sweaty hockey player against a swimmer who had already gotten a shower and put on some clean clothes in that new style of hers… broken jeans and a white blouse, Spencer observed.
Too bad.
Spencer hated to have serious conversations before showering and changing, and a part of her was hoping for the duel of clothes, in case Hanna was ever asked an opinion.
Oblivious to the upcoming presence, Paige closed her locker and put a grey beret on, then took it off after trying it on a couple of times, obviously wanting to check her image in a mirror. Spencer knew the art of putting on a beret without a mirror was not dominated by all newcomers to the world of hats, and she slowed down her march through the crowd while examining the swimmer's struggle: Paige gave up and the beret was again thrown inside the locker whose door Paige swiftly closed in frustration. Oh, yes, McCullers, thanks for providing us with yet another proof of your character (or, rather, of the lack thereof); exactly as Spencer had thought, Paige would always be too rough, too misdirected, too easy to frustrate when grasping the invisible hold of a hat on the top of her head, when grasping anything invisible and still so delicate and soft it required either harsh resolve or timeless dedication - sometimes both - you can't do it, you don't have the skill.
Thanks for showing it to me once again - the change in you - McCullers.
Thank you so much.
Almost hearing Spencer's thoughts, Paige abruptly turned around in search of the presence behind her.
(So much for panther moves… Spencer guessed she was back to dogs.)
The look Paige offered had surprise written all over it.
"Spencer."
Yes.
The one and only.
"Paige." Spencer forced the name out, followed by a small smile. "Hey."
It was probably the first time in years she actually put it out there and even Paige seemed caught in wonder at the sound of her name in Spencer's voice. It was so surprising she actually blinked twice and didn't answer a word, which once more put all the pressure on Spencer to initiate the conversation. Not that Spencer cared about pressure. She wasn't really willing to give it up; it was her specialty, so to speak, the ability to survive and excel when trouble breathed in her neck. Pressure. It was a way to live.
"Can we talk?"
The question was direct, forward. Knock-down eyes glistened on her face - the mission into work.
Paige blinked a few more times, nodding.
"Sure."
Her skin paled as she spoke, which was certainly an interesting reaction.
"I mean, if you have time", Spencer assured, delightfully changing to a somewhat less aggressive approach, "I didn't mean to scare you."
But she was certainly enjoying the fact that Paige looked sort of scared.
"No, you didn't", Paige replied, this time hurriedly, "so what's up?"
Apparently they were getting casual. Paige still wasn't very good at covering up the surprise, though.
"It's about Emily."
The capacity for surprise was never-ending on a human face, and Paige widened her eyes in shock.
"Yeah, sure, okay", Paige managed to utter now, clearly confused, "what's…?"
"It's…"
Spencer stopped and looked around. Only a few of her own teammates were still in the room, picking up their stuff as they noisily headed towards the showers, which made Spencer conscious of the sweat staining her T and cooling on her forehead. She hoped she wasn't too smelly. She really wished for a change of clothes.
"Yeah?", Paige sort of asked, waiting in (pale) expectation. "So…"
Spencer leaned against the lockers, taking a second to observe the swimmer some more.
Pressure.
Then she decided to get into business.
"I'm not sure if you know", Spencer said, her eyes not leaving Paige, "but her birthday's coming in a few days."
"Really?", Paige exclaimed, apparently relieved. "Didn't know about it."
Spencer nodded, somehow relieved too.
So nobody had told her.
Which meant Emily hadn't told her either.
"Really", Spencer assured, unable to help herself from emphasizing the word with slight sarcasm, "it's happening, she's turning seventeen."
She had to bite her tongue not to throw in a smart-ass joke, pronounced in the most typical Hastings cutting fashion, about the amazing, unbelievable way time flew around them and seemed to carry them through. Surely every one of them was having a birthday every year. It couldn't be so difficult to understand because it was, well, a human reality.
Paige didn't show any reaction, except for an almost unperceivable eye-roll.
"When's it…?"
"Monday."
"Okay."
"Yep", Spencer confirmed, and she knew she might be enjoying the puzzlement that her presence was causing in Paige a little too much. Then she decided to go for the next bite. "I thought maybe she told you, or someone else did."
Another swimmer.
She had already invited a few of them, made them promise not to say anything to anybody. It was a top-secret party. But you never knew if people kept their word.
"No, I..." Paige looked totally clueless. "Nobody told me."
"Well, that's good", Spencer said, and it was really good because it seemed completely true. Now she had to go for the invitation, which was the official reason for her being here talking to Paige. "Cause, you know, the thing is… we're throwing a surprise party for her."
"Yeah?"
"On Saturday", Spencer continued, "not on Monday. Obviously Monday's not a good day for a party."
"Obviously."
"Exactly", Spencer confirmed, realizing Paige's cautious attitude and partly applauding her for it, "and we're inviting the whole team."
Paige seemed to relax a lot after hearing Spencer's last words, finally grasping a meaning behind Spencer's actions.
"That's a great idea."
Spencer nodded, accepting the greatness of the idea, which had actually been a product of her own brainstorming with Hanna, later reinforced by Aria's immense capacity for optimism.
"So you're inviting the whole team?", Paige repeated, almost encouraging Spencer to spell out the last formality. "That's totally cool."
"Yeah, totally." Spencer paused for another second, deciding to advance the next step once the element of surprise was already gone. "We're… I mean Hanna, Aria and me."
Paige nodded in acknowledgment. She had understood who they were.
Backup team.
Anti-A force.
True friends, chained to each other in tragedy and unexpected joy.
"We're trying to plan this so it's a complete surprise for her", Spencer explained, a little unwillingly now that she had to do all the talking. "You get the idea, right? It's friends and teammates… ex-teammates," she corrected herself, then expanded on the explanation. "It's basically people who care about her or about whom she cares."
She hated saying that sentence to Paige, but it was a must if she wanted to get her to relax and talk.
"Sure, I totally get it", Paige nodded emphatically, "we miss her so much."
The meaning of that we was crystal clear too, Spencer thought. Enough of disguises. Enough of we. They ought to miss Emily.
Because who wouldn't, really?
Who wouldn't?
"I know", Spencer confirmed as her only response, but then added some pressure, "you should definitely miss her."
You can't imagine.
But you lost.
"Yeah, we all do."
Monosyllabic and not very prone to elaborate her answers, Paige was making Spencer sweat for it. It posed a challenge, definitely; but that was what Spencer did on a daily basis. However, she guessed there was no human way to avoid what was coming now. She had to formally lay out the invitation for McCullers. She had to tend a hand and do it nicely, even cordially. Too bad that wasn't her specialty in life.
Breathing in, Spencer let the (compressed) air of the room fill her lungs.
"So you're the team captain now", she obligingly spelled for Paige to hear, letting the air out, "which basically means you're invited to the party and all that. I'll text you the place and all the details later."
Was that nice enough to make her spill?
Paige smiled a little shy - a little arrogant too.
Arrogance.
You can't imagine what you're missing, McCullers.
Go drown someone else, see where that eventually takes you.
"Thanks", Paige obligingly replied, "I'll be there."
"One more thing."
"What should I bring for her?", Paige interrupted. "You know, as a present?"
"Uhm, it's…" The freak couldn't really expect help with that. "I don't know".
"Yeah, I'll just think of something."
"Sure, anything will do", Spencer agreed, because she couldn't care less. But then she tried the whole being-nice pose again. "Just bring yourself."
A thin smile sort of curled up in Paige's lips, leaning to the left.
"I'll be there."
"Great."
If she could only go to the point and get it over with.
"So I really need to ask you not to mention anything", Spencer warned, trying to keep her tone soft, "not even to the other swimmers… just in case, you know, cause it's important she doesn't find out."
Paige nodded repeatedly, again a little too emphatically.
"I won't say a word."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Spill.
It.
Now.
This girl - this freak.
Spencer forced another smile. At this point she didn't even care if it looked nauseatingly false.
"So how's the captain thing going?"
The attempt at small talk sounded so awkward Paige widened her eyes for the second time.
"Everything's going really good." Paige answered so slowly it seemed unnatural, since she usually spoke really fast. "Although, as I said, we really miss having Emily around."
No wonder.
The universe missed Emily.
Matter missed Emily, water missed Emily. The void missed Emily. The Higgs boson missed Emily. The earth missed Emily. The stars, the moon, the sun missed Emily.
Spencer missed Emily.
And Emily missed Emily too.
That was the reason behind the party. That was the mission - the task - the plan Spencer had to carry out. It had to work out.
"That's why we're throwing the party", Spencer explained, ""so she can, you know…"
"She'll have fun."
Spencer forced the words out anyway.
"It's important for her to know you guys care about her."
It felt nauseating, somehow. To share thoughts, feelings, worries that were true.
She should have brought Aria.
Aria, the friendly one.
Good cop, bad cop.
Sharing information about Emily with Paige McCullers was something Spencer realized she had to do or else she'd have to either leave with her hands empty or sit Paige under a flood of light and directly subject her to different methods of interrogation and torture. Leaving was not an option right now, because the plan had to work out. Confrontation and hostility would only make Paige more cautious and tense around her. Basically that meant there was only one way to do this: she had to keep offering peace signs and tending nice hands and false smiles to the irrelevant enemy.
Paige seemed to be slightly aware of the significance of Spencer's peace offer, because she raised her brows and opened her mouth, but her own words took a second to come out.
"We're totally screwed without her."
Yadda yadda yadda.
Come on now.
"She's good."
"She's the best."
All kinds of violent urges assaulted Spencer after hearing the superlative in another person's mouth.
"Definitely." Her voice got raspier with the increase of tension. "Not that I know that much about swimming."
"I think you know enough."
Fuck the fuck off.
Of course she knew enough. And she was getting tired of this game, especially because – amazingly – she was losing at it.
"That's what I always say", she agreed, starting to feel like she was talking to one of her A-suspects and not to the irrelevant psycho-freak, "but it's always good to learn more, especially when it's interesting… or practical." She paused, trying to discern what the hell she was saying. "Or healthy."
Going in circles - getting nowhere.
This game.
This cat-and-mouse game, was she the only one playing it? Was she playing it only in her imagination? She was no cat, but there was no way she was going to play mouse to Paige. But to herself… that was another thing. She was so focused on the A-hunt lately, so obsessed with everything that was being kept hidden from her, sometimes she thought she was at war with herself and a thousand imaginary enemies, sometimes she wasn't sure she was playing all her cards right.
All her cards lying upside on the table, all her bare-naked cards.
Did Paige see them, did she see through her like A had done?
There was a very brief silence while Paige tried to get her own ideas about the game clear.
"It's really good you're helping her to come back to the team", Paige finally said, still sounding cautious but looking straight back in a very direct manner, "she told me you're trying really hard."
Gotcha, freak.
She told you.
Information.
"She was born to do this, it's not something she can just quit and leave behind", Spencer replied thoughtfully, controlling the tension in her body and in her voice. "When did she talk to you?"
The interrogation could now begin.
"I ran into her yesterday", Paige informed, "I told her we miss her here and we want her back."
"You did?" She tried to sound both surprised and appreciative, although really she just wanted Paige to keep spilling until there was nothing relevant left. "That's good."
"She was here and I found her, so I told her", Paige said, "I figured she needed to hear it."
Aha.
It had been an accident, a fortuitous encounter.
Yet – Spencer wouldn't even know about Emily's visit to the pool if it weren't for A's text. Now it was Paige who was (finally) informing her of other details of that visit. A and Paige. Messengers of news. And people warned not to kill the messenger… as though it was actually possible to repress the temptation, as though the messenger didn't actually deserve it, at least in A's case (no, she wasn't really going to murder Paige; she was too irrelevant in Spencer's complicated world).
"You figured well", Spencer reinforced, "she does need to hear it."
Paige breathed out audibly, a clear sign of her own relief of tension.
"She told me you're trying to help her", she repeated, "but she couldn't say with what."
With A.
Not that Emily was letting her help with much else.
"It's a rough time for her."
"That's what I sorta gathered, yeah."
"Right."
For some reason Spencer felt something cracking, breaking inside her, and she had to look away for the first time since the conversation began.
Not here, not now.
Not certainly in front of Paige.
Spencer tightened her messy ponytail with her fingers, taking her time to place a loose strand of sticky hair behind her ear.
Iron heart - frosting up with too many fears.
Trouble breathing in her neck.
It was all about pressure.
She stared back, her eyes the best weapon in every interrogation she ever had to execute.
"Is it that bad?", Paige asked when their eyes met again. "Whatever's going on with her."
No, no.
Information had to go around the other way.
"It'll be all right."
"I hope so", Paige said. "I offered to help… I mean, in case she wants my help."
Spencer felt her jaw clench and her teeth grit.
"Any help's appreciated."
That was her reply, however. Because it was true, because it was for Emily.
Paige seemed to relax even more after those hardly gritted words were muttered, somehow.
"Is she finally going to join the track team?"
So that was information too.
Spencer tried her best to cover up her own sense of puzzlement. She had no idea what Paige was talking about.
"I'm not sure yet."
"She told me she was thinking about it but needed…", Paige trailed off, then rephrased, "I mean, she was gonna ask you about the team."
"She's still thinking about it."
Great.
Great, Emily, great.
The track team? When did that happen? Why didn't she know about it?
"I told her it'd be a good idea if she needed the exercise."
"Yeah, it's a good idea", Spencer croaked, "but, you know, it's still important that she comes back here." She decided to clarify the exact meaning of her words. "To the swim team."
"Yeah, totally."
"The scholarships."
"It's senior year", Paige agreed, almost as if they were singing in the same tune, "I get it."
"Exactly."
"And she loves swimming."
"Right." Spencer paused, deciding to go for another direct question. "Did she mention anything about coming back to the team?"
Paige leaned against her locker, and Spencer could see her face opening up like one of those old books whose yellow-gold paper-thin pages Spencer managed to separate and disentangle whenever she went to an antique bookstore.
One more victory, one more win.
So many.
So many.
"She said she misses it", Paige shrugged, "but she also said she's not coming back."
That sounded a lot like Emily's code for yes and no, indeed.
"Sounds like her."
Paige nodded slowly.
"It felt like she was afraid of something happening if she actually came back", Paige added, "like something's out there to hurt her."
Not something - someone.
Spencer nodded too, in agreement, her eyes shutting down every emotion because that information was secret, no matter what Paige thought she could do to help.
"Times are tough, as I said, but she'll come back."
"I'm hoping she won't be really able to stay away for long."
Hope.
It breeds eternal misery. But what did love breed? What did love do to people?
"Yeah, that's what I'm hoping too." It seemed all the relevant information was out there. There was nothing else to say. "I should get a shower, everybody's gonna leave."
She touched her uniform to show the sweat.
Paige seemed to get the message, even if she was waiting expectantly for Spencer's next words.
"Hurry up or they'll throw you out."
Spencer raised her left brow like the master of brow-raising she had already become.
"They'll never throw me out."
Paige actually smiled at that like it was funny (although Spencer was completely serious about it) and Spencer returned the shadow of a real smile, the arrogant one (which she also mastered and that was definitely more arrogant than Paige's own rendition), turning around for the showers. She didn't feel that much confidence inside, though. Her iron heart was feeling a little too heavy, even if she had managed to get all the information out.
Somehow.
For some reason.
There was something heavy and sad in her heart.
"Spencer."
She heard Paige calling out her name and, when she turned around again, she realized there was some kind of secret understanding between them after the conversation they'd had. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad either. But there was an understanding: Paige seemed to believe, and now Spencer's hands were tied to that meaning, which she refused to call an alliance.
She raised both her brows, in questioning fashion.
"Thanks for inviting me", Paige said, "to the party."
"Sure."
"Spencer", Paige called again, and actually walked a couple of steps in her direction, "she talks about you all the time."
Somehow.
For some reason.
It was supposed to sound good, it was supposed to help, but that was precisely the reason it felt like a stab, and this one stuck deeper than A's text yesterday.
"I hope it's all good."
Her voice remained low and scratchy, her dignity, her sense of irony untouched. But her heart was sinking.
Why?
Emily, why, why, why?
Why everything? Why this person? Why did she even have to listen to the offer of consolation in this person's voice?
"It's all really good", Paige assured, "you should know that."
"I know that", Spencer replied flatly, "I keep track of everything."
Almost.
Her omniscience was both due to her own capacity for knowledge as well as to A's gross blackmails and strategies. A would never leave her without knowing something that could hurt her. A would never miss the chance to hurt them.
"I get you're not my biggest fan", Paige suddenly added, raising the stakes of honesty now that she believed they had a personal understanding, "and you probably have your reasons but, you know, I mean well."
Spencer stared back in silence.
The first time she wasn't speaking with second or third or fourth meanings (sometimes she actually lost track of how many layers of significance she was trying to offer in a single sentence) was the first time Paige seemed to get so many meanings behind. She did keep track of everything, and keeping track of it she just knew Paige posed no real threat, could do no real damage to her relationship. Maybe she could even help Emily. Who knew? Still – there was something wrong, there was something bothering Spencer. But it wasn't the time to come clean with Paige. Why would she do it? Why tell her she would never forget, much less forgive, what she had done to Emily even if Emily herself had forgiven her for it, and not only that, even if Emily actually understood half of why it'd happened? Reasons. She didn't even care if she had reasons or not. There was no cleansing honesty between them. There was nothing, nothing was ever going to happen between the two. Only Emily; only Emily's needs; only the mission to find out what Emily did, what Emily said which for some reason she was not doing, she was not saying in front of Spencer, Hanna or Aria. Beyond that: there was nothing. An immense, devastating abyss of nothingness. That was all. Spencer was far from not being Paige's fan; it was much worse than that.
"I mean well too." It was all she had to say about it and, surprisingly, it was also true, at least when it came to Emily. "But you know what they say about good intentions."
Paige frowned, indicating she didn't really know what Spencer meant.
"Not really." She seemed thoughtful about it. "That they're different from actions?"
That was clever, McCullers.
"The road to hell is paved with them."
Paige blinked, recognizing the expression in the form of Spencer's pessimistic insight.
"Right", she accepted, but then seemed ready to show some personal insight too, "but you have them too, right? You just said that."
"Good intentions?", Spencer repeated for confirmation. "I do."
"So that's… good."
"Yeah, maybe", she conceded, "I'll text you about the party, probably tomorrow."
And with that ultimate display of plain, cool confidence, Spencer left for the showers, where she cleaned off not only the sweat but also the sinking feeling of being once again a winner who was somehow, for some reason losing a game of which she didn't even know the name.
A's game.
As much as she hated to realize it, A's text had managed to open a hole into her brain. Because no matter how much Paige actually ignored Emily's situation, no matter how much Paige was harmless even if she ever tried to pull a move with Emily, no matter how much Spencer knew it wouldn't work and Paige was irrelevant except as a potential helper in terms of Emily's comeback to the team, in terms even of Emily's mental health if Emily actually chose her as a confidante, Spencer was pissed, Spencer was sad, and A was right. Emily was not talking to her. But Emily was talking to Paige.
Talking about joining the track team.
Talking about missing the pool.
Talking about Spencer.
Talking.
She turned the faucet all the way to the right so the water would fall freezing cold on her head, and then stared at the thin rivers it created down her arms, her stomach and her legs, rivers that kept making strange, improvised turns while advancing against the goosebumped skin. Rivers of cold water breaking on her skin - an analgesic, a painkiller. That was help. That was consolation, not some stranger's, some enemy's words. That gave her the energy of an icy embrace, alone in the shower, alone perhaps in the world, all team players gone; she was preparing herself for the next battle, cooling down not only her muscles but the heat of her obsessions as well, the inflated flame of her heart, the intoxicating joy that kept avoiding her lately, that kept walking away. Cold rivers hardening the resolve for a new mission. Harsh resolve, timeless dedication, mirrors; love. What did she have to do today? Alison's double life. New clues, new leads. The birthday party. She had to pick up Aria and go pay for the café where they were going to throw the party. Duties, dreams, hopes. Plots.
Emily, Emily, Emily.
The name pounded against her chest in repetitive throbs ever since everything started going wrong.
The name whispered in her head in constant, sudden blows.
Emily.
Like she wasn't really able to sustain a complete thought except when it became so convoluted as one of those rivers running on her skin.
Emily.
Maybe Aria was right and she did need to say it or she was going to explode.
Yes, Aria was right.
She was getting mad.
After Paige.
It was foolish, perhaps. It was maybe proof of a jealousy she couldn't totally control, she didn't know why. Was that like Emily felt when she saw her in that picture talking to Wren? At least she'd never looked for Wren's company; she'd only used him to help Emily. To help Emily. Emily. Emily. But this – she couldn't get it. She was able to tolerate the freak's existence and even the freak's help, but not Emily's silence about it - about everything else.
Not silence, because silence was the only thing that would drive her completely crazy.
Emily knew.
She told her when they started dating.
She told her.
Aria was right.
Spencer rubbed off her eyes, scaring the threatening tears away, and got dressed in slow, efficient moves. Her phone beeped, and she wondered if it'd be A again, choosing to continue the offensive against her imagination, widening the hole in her brain, crawling up inside of her. She picked up the phone – truly wishing it'd be Emily and no one else, still the same childish, foolish sense of intoxication in love – and checked the text: it was Aria.
"What's taking u so long? I'll be at the library with Em. Come pick me up."
Spencer wasn't sure it was the best moment to face her girlfriend.
On the other hand, it was always soothing, it was always healthy and safe to see Emily.
How could she even doubt it?
This was so absurd.
She was giving too much space to A. She was doing exactly what she couldn't do.
She didn't know what she was thinking.
Closing her locker and turning the lights off, the last of all players gone, Spencer left towards the library.
A/N: I loved to read the controversy flourish in your reviews about Paige's character! That was exactly what I was aiming for.
go-sullivan: LOL! I laughed so hard when I read your review. So I'm not sure if the girls know about Paily being an item in canon, and I actually never wondered about it until I read "Circumstance" by Maxi-Luca, but Spencer does know about the drowning incident in canon. I looked it up after reading your review and in 1x18 Spencer says something like "so her trying to drown you drove you closer?" to Emily. It's 3 a.m so I'm too sleepy to look it up again, but I think that's what she said. Oh, a Paige/Spencer fic. I wonder if there's any.
Sora Yogami: Ooops, the new review system, yes, that was a crazy change! I totally agree with you on the fact that Paige might be a good influence for Emily now that Emily's in this situation. There's a chemistry between these two characters and I did try to capture that. But - Paige does still want Emily (who could blame her?). And then there's Spencer... Btw, Emaria does sound better than Arily, especially for us Spanish speakers, but I chose Arily because it was Aria writing the text, and I figured she'd write her name first.
Anon: thanks :) I'm so sorry about the late update, normally I update a lot sooner, but summer's being complicated. Hope the chapter was somehow satisfying, especially since it was written from a much more hostile perspective on Paige (Spencer's).
Mona: Oh, oh, so you want them to break up... Well, I'm creating lots of drama for them, so I hope you'll enjoy the development of things... In Emily's case, I did want to show she's really struggling with the consequences of her decisions, not with Spencer at all. It was important (for me) to show how Emily's still totally connected to Spencer and is also aware of the fact that she's not being really communicative right now; that she'll defend Spencer from anything that she considers an attack. As for Paige, I don't want to portray her as a one-dimensional character. I want her to be good, but also to show the possible bad in her (or what Spencer considers to be bad). As for A's text... well, A's going to mess around a lot. You can see the consequences of that text in Spencer's mind throughout this chapter... A always hits where it hurts.
x-sugarfree-x: again, sorry for the late update! Totally - A's after Em a lot... it's weird and I have my suspicions. Did Spencer and Paige clash? I think not really... but only because Spencer does want to help Emily no matter what.
dmpanda5: Awwww, I'm glad someone does also see Spencer's point of view, because she's got A LOT on her plate right now. I do think Paige's nice though; maybe not nice, but I think she does really care about Emily.
unicorns223: thanks if you ever get to this chapter :))) There's still one more Alison flashback to come...
theninemuses7: :) I know, I'm not exactly a Paily/McFields convert but I'm enjoying Paige's character a lot, especially in 3x05 (was it 3x05?). I did rewatch all their scenes in season 2 to try capture the chemistry between them and adapt it to this fic. But yes, it was also important to show that, for Emily, Paige belongs to the past. And thank you for your comment on the different internal voices, because, man, although I work with the third-person narrative, I try to work with that so there's actually a difference in portraying Emily's as opposed to Spencer's reflections... Especially with Spencer now, I'm trying harder.
Guest: xD Are you Maxi-Luca? Well, if you're not, your comment is very much appreciated the same way. As you could see, the chapter's been a mix up of your two directions: Spencer does accept Paige's help, even asks for it in a very indirect manner, but she also tries to mark the territory in that weirdly menacing manner Spencer sometimes uses against the people she considers an enemy. And she still considers Paige an enemy. I did try to throw lots of tension, especially on Spencer's part, without getting them into a fight. I didn't highlight Paige's thoughts, only her reactions in dialogue (which would be more like "WTF does Spencer want from me?"), because I wanted this to be mainly about how Spencer's dealing with A's text and with her own rejection of Paige. Did it work? Or is it boring? Or out of character?
LaughLoveLiveXx: :) I'm so glad you always have these insights that sometimes surprise me so much. I do work with Emily's vulnerability in the exact sense you mentioned. As for the newborn thing, it's also in this chapter, it's also in the sense that she's gonna celebrate her birthday in such a complicated, uncertain situation. Regarding Paige, you're right, I did try to hint she doesn't like Spencer either. But I think the hostility is much more intense on Spencer's side. Still, I wanted to play with the idea that Paige does want to help Emily as a friend, but that she might not be entirely suited to always behave as a friend...
Spicy Emily: still trying to see if I'll be able to write your request ;) And don't worry, you don't have to say anything! Well, this chap was totally and completely Spencer, or at least I hope so... and it's difficult to tell, but I think the fic will get more Spencery as we advance towards the end. Not sure yet, though. I'm never sure until I write the chapter.
Guest: You're welcome :)
LittleLiarsLovesEmily: Yeah,, I totally agree on Emily's character that you described. She cares about (and is trying to discover) who she is. Whereas Spencer (who's also trying to find out the same) is much more focused on being the best. However, being with Spencer changes Emily in some ways, and the other way around. It's fun to play with those character traits.
chocolatefrogs11: :))) I'm sooooorry... I know this one took so long! But I'm still writing, I promise.
THANK YOU ALL!