Disclaimer:
I do not own Twilight (but it owns me), that glory belongs to Stephanie Meyers.
I have to give so much praise to my beta Ms Bond, she's had to deal with my emo ass for weeks. She's my personal 007 and has saved me from the bad guys – Writer's Block. She will let me know when I've gone too far or when I need to step it up. And I can't forget my Twilight Sister Vanessa for constantly saying "Shut the fuck up Plaine, just do it already!".
WARNING: This is not a pretty chapter.
"Izzy, your ass better have my damn breakfast on the table by the time I get out of the shower!" I heard James yell before he slammed the bathroom door. I scrambled out of bed, but the sheets were twisted around my legs and I fell onto the floor. Great! The last thing I needed was to have James angry at me. He hadn't had an 'episode' in almost a week, which was the longest he had gone since we had gotten married 4 years ago.
As quickly as I could, I dressed and dashed into the kitchen. Putting the skillet on to warm up, I went to the refrigerator to get 2 eggs and some bacon. I grabbed the loaf of bread to make toast and worked fast knowing he would be in the kitchen at any moment. Just as I was plating his food, he walked into the kitchen and took his place at the head of the table. I placed his plate in front of him and felt the relief wash through me that I had made the deadline. I walked back over to clean the counter and noticed 2 things as I heard the plate hit the wall. Holy Fuck!
I. forgot. the toast. I probably could have gotten away with that, but I had also forgotten the coffee. How the fuck did I forget the coffee? This was not good. Knowing I needed to face the music, I turned around and could immediately see that this was going to be a bad morning.
James glared at me and quietly spoke, "Is this how you treat me after I allow you to party it up in Seattle?" I really hated when spoke that way and my insides started to shake.
"James, I'm sorry..." I knew it was useless to apologize but I hoped he would actually hear me this time. "I really do appreciate you letting me attend the concert with Jacob and Leah; we wished you'd have joined us." I was lying through my teeth. I had been on top of the fucking world to be away from him, even it meant seeing the man I gave up to stay in this place I presently call Hell.
"Really, Izzy? So this is how you repay me? You disregard your chores- very simple chores I might add", he spoke as he closed the distance between us.
I was trapped, the counter was behind me and he was in front of me.
"I'm sorry baby." I held out my hands to try to soothe him. I was doubtful it would work, but sometimes I got lucky and he calmed down. "I just wanted to get your food on the table quickly, so it would be hot for you", I started to plead as he continued to move forward, and I knew it was useless. Before I could take a breath he swung his arm around and back handed me. It felt like my head wanted to do a 360. I could taste blood in my mouth and I start to fall. He reached down and grabbed me by my hair, practically dragging me to the bedroom. All the pleading and tears didn't make him stop. I suddenly heard a whoosh, and I knew he was going to beat me with his belt. As the leather continuously slapped into my skin I prayed to God asking forgiveness for angering him. I lost count of how many times he struck me, I just knew I no longer had the strength to fight. I arched inward trying to relieve the pain and could feel the welts start to rise all over my body.
"Next time I say have breakfast ready – it better be ready" he huffed finally stopping his furious whipping; using the belt seemed to tire him out more quickly than his fist.
I mumbled a teary "I'm sorry", I was thankful that my hair covered my face, so he couldn't see my tears as I tried to control the sniffling that seemed to set him off as well.
"I'll be home around 5:30, this place better be clean by the time I return", he said as he put his belt back on and proceeded to head to work.
Once I knew he was gone I let the tears flow again. Why did I stay? Jake asked me this constantly and Leah had asked me so many times she had finally given up. I couldn't get them to understand why I felt that I owed James and his family. They took me in when my father Charlie was killed in a routine traffic stop. His family put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table and spending money in my pocket. They did this when they could have turned me over to the state, and I was forever grateful for being allowed to stay in Forks. Little did I know that I would have to pay with my soul.
I could feel the stiffness starting to set in as I slowly got up off the bedroom floor. Wincing with each step I made my way into the bathroom and started to fill the tub with warm water. I slowly and painfully undressed, avoiding the mirror as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I turned off the water and before getting into the tub I forced myself to look. I no longer recognized my body; it was bruised and battered.
Turning away from the mirror I shuffled to the tub, and stiffly lowered myself in. I felt the all too familiar aches and pains that my 24 year old body kept suffering; they left me feeling so old.
I knew 4 years ago when I told Edward to take the record deal I was making mistake. But with the pressure from James and his father Bill, I was married to James a week later.
James had always been a little intimidating and I had been able to hold my own, but after we were married it all changed. If he felt I was being a smart ass, he'd let me know he didn't like it. He'd push me against the wall and tell me I was embarrassing him or he'd grab my arm so tightly that I had bruises within the hour.
The first time he out right punched me was 9 months after we were married. He was upset that I didn't have dinner ready. I was explaining to him that I had had to work late and to just order a pizza.
"I don't want a fuckin' pizza Izzy! I expect to come home to a hot meal" he roared.
I was sitting on the couch with my head in my hands nursing a headache. "Well we can't have what we want all the time. Just order the damn pizza James and please stop bitching about it." I never opened my eyes, I never heard him, until he yanked my hair.
"I don't want a fuckin' pizza Izzy. You will go into that kitchen and make my dinner". He was seething. I had never seen him quite this way before.
At first I was in shock, and then I got pissed and tried pushing him off me. "Get off of me James! This isn't funny and I'm not in the mood to cook". I almost got away from him when I felt his fist hit my arm. I hit him back, then he slapped me and as if it was automatic I slapped him back. I was able to slither away from him by crawling on the floor and I was trying to get up when he kicked me in the stomach. He knocked the wind out of me, grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the kitchen.
"You have 30 minutes to put something on the table" he said and walked out. I was shaking so much I could barely think, I didn't know what to make of what was happening.
Looking back now, I knew I should have left but…I stayed. I hoped it would get better, the few friends I had were gone, except Jake. He almost went to prison for me after he and James got in a fight when he found out what James had done to me. Fortunately, James said he'd drop the charges if I stayed. Leah would have killed me if Jake went to jail. I took the deal and asked Jake to allow me to fix my marriage. We didn't speak for 6 months. Those were the longest six months of my life.
One Friday, James left to go on a rare business trip and was gone for 2 days. Once I knew he was safely in the air I got in my Jeep and made my way to La Push. I found Jake in his garage working under the hood of a car. He didn't say anything to me or even acknowledge I was there. I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Trying to save face I turned around and headed back to my Jeep.
"Wait!!" Jake yelled as I was getting into my car. I stepped back out, closed the door and hesitantly looked up at Jake. It was drizzling as it usually did in Forks but it didn't hide the fact he had tears in his eyes. I had made Jake cry, I did this to my friend, my best friend. He gathered me in his arms and lifted me off the ground. He must have held me for 10 minutes.
"You're to NEVER do that again!" he said, his voice husky.
"I couldn't let him send you to jail Jake", I said, my voice cracking. He put me back on the ground and looked me in the eyes, not ashamed of his tears.
"If I have to go to prison to keep you safe I will! You're my family, don't you get that?" he said gently.
Reaching up I grabbed his face in my hands.
"I need you free. I need to know you're here on this reservation or down in Seattle. That keeps me going. If anything happened to you, I wouldn't survive. ok?" I had to make him understand. He was my quiet strength. "Let me handle this, I know its fucked up right now but I will get out of this".
He gathered me into another tight embrace, "Alive?" he asked quietly, and then buried his face into my neck. I could feel his warm tears slid onto my neck.
"I hope so" I murmured in his ear. Jake growled not liking my answer.
Not ready to let me go he kept me in his embrace and carried me into the house. I took my place at the table in the kitchen as Jake dug a cinnamon roll out of the pan on the counter and placed it on a plate for me. By the looks of it, Sue, Leah's mom made it. She was a fantastic cook and always making all sorts of confections. Jake got one for himself and took a seat across from me barely eating, which was rare for him. The man could eat a horse on a bad day. That's when I looked at him, I mean really looked at him and noticed he'd lost weight. He was not doing so well. I wrapped my small hands against his large palms, and gave them a gentle squeeze. He finally looked up at me and gave a half smirk, his face seemed to relax. We sat there for another half hour in a comfortable silence, not talking, just being together before we headed back to the garage so he could finish working.
Even though he worked on cars from home he still didn't like to keep his customer's cars long. So, I sat on the couch and started to read one of Leah's magazines when I heard a familiar voice coming from the stereo.
"Ohmigod, is that-?" I asked unable to finish saying his name. Jake sent me one his first real smiles.
"Yeah, that's Edward, the airplay for the band has increased in the last few weeks", he said with pride in his voice.
"Wow, I'm just shocked to hear him on the radio already", I said quietly as I listened to Edward sing. His voice was rough, yet soothing; I embraced it like a hug.
I left La Push that afternoon needing to be home when James called. Once I spoke to him and he finished his interrogation, I went back to hang out my friends on the reservation. I felt like a soldier returning home from war only, to be deployed a week later.
I spent all weekend with Jake and it killed me to have to leave.
James was due home on Sunday evening. Jake walked me to the car that afternoon and told me he would call me every day to make sure I was OK. I argued vehemently with him. I didn't want the rock the already shaky boat, so it was settled that I would send him a text every other day. He would just have to be satisfied with that for now.
The return of Jake in my life meant war for me at home; it was a war I fought with all my strength. The result was 2 cracked ribs, a fractured elbow, and a broken arm which had to be reset twice. Every time the hospital staff saw me they immediately called Dr. Cullen It didn't matter which ER doctor was on staff he was there to make sure I was OK. But looking at him was difficult due to the fact I knew who his son was.
The Forks Police Department had to come out to my house way too many times. The men who used to work with my dad tried to help me leave, but something kept me tied to my prison. For some reason and I didn't know what, I knew I wouldn't make it much longer. I was pretty sure I had not been bruise free in more than a year.
I even had thoughts of suicide but knew that's not what I really wanted.
Besides, I couldn't do that to Jake, I owed him more than that. He had been there when everyone else had given up. If it were up to Jake he'd move me to the reservation today. But when I finally did leave James, I knew I would need to vacate Washington all together. At this point Antarctica was looking mighty appealing. I needed to make my break soon because if I didn't, I wouldn't make it to my 25th birthday.
I lifted my hands up out of the water and looked at them. I had been in the tub so long my fingers were starting to prune. I carefully got up out of the tub and grabbed a towel off the rack. As I dried off I glanced at the clock and saw it was barely 10 am. Not caring to go to the kitchen to clean up the mess from breakfast, I decided I was going back to bed. I put on a loose fitting cotton gown before I crawled under the covers and I sent Jake a text. I never mention anymore if and when I have an episode with James, it only sets him off. I set my phone alarm for 2 hrs, grabbed the iPod Jake gave me for Christmas, that James is unaware of, and listened to Edward sing. I wasn't supposed to listen to Cullen because James knew of my time with Edward but Jake downloaded for me anyway.
I closed my eyes and drifted, as Edward sang me to sleep.