Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyers is the owner of all that is Twilight.

Music: Bobby Long is referenced cause he ROCKS! please check him out.

I have to give special thanks to Ms. Bond my beta whom I drive nuts with my potty mouth and bad grammer. Luv u lots, Janie! And a special shout out to Ilsuocantante for listing Awakening in her Fan Fic Rec Blog! Thanks! Check it out www(.)twilightsisterhood(.)blogspot(.)com/2009/09/wws-fic-rec-friday_18(.)html

Again, Thanks for reading!!

One of the odd beauties of living in Forks is the constant rain. It can be a hard rain, where it creates it's on own beat, or it can be a soft rain that has reminiscence of a back rub. The sky is always cloudy, so sleeping in is easier, but today the room is too bright, which meant a rare day of sunshine.

Since continuing my self induced sleep coma was out, I opened my eyes. I remembered my Dad coming in a few times to check on me, making sure I hadn't OD'ed on some drug. I vaguely recall muttering it was an all natural combination of hang over and pure exhaustion.

I raised my head to take a look around the room, happy to see mom had listened to my request and not redecorated. All I needed was a bed, a couch and my guitars. Closing my eyes I fell onto my back while running my fingers through my hair.

The sunlight wasn't the only reason I woke up, it was this melody that I couldn't maintain. It had been like this for months, I'd find a melody or lyric and when I'd try to get it to replay nothing would happen. I shook my head trying to get rid of the cob webs and figured it was time for a shower, which hadn't seen since I left the arena; it would be a welcome relief.

When I saw Bella the other night had I forgotten how beautiful she was, but at the same time she seemed so much more fragile, and she seemed to have lost a tremendous amount of weight. Not that there was much to her before, but she was noticeably thinner. I knew I couldn't be out right rude but I had to talk to her.

I had seen her talking to my dad and I noticed they were having a serious discussion that ended as soon I approached.

"Hey Dad where's Mom?" I asked.

"She's talking with Alice and Rose about an upcoming shopping trip when Ali and Jazz return from L.A. Edward, do you know -" he asked.

"Bella Swan?" I smirked "Yeah, I met her awhile back" I finished. I noticed her cheeks were red from embarrassment.

"Yeah, it's been a while" she said quietly, her voice had always been a little low but now it was more reserved.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize you knew Edward", he said to her with a frown.

"Yeah, I met him when he was first offered the record deal 4 years ago" she said, biting her lip. Her nervousness seemed to be increasing and I wasn't sure what to make of her behavior.

"Yeah, we met at La Push, the summer I told you I wasn't going to med school" I said with a wicked grin.

"Ahh, yes that was a very stressful time" he said with a slight laugh.

Looking at my father I asked, "How do you know Bella?" my father looked at Bella, and she suddenly had a deer in head lights look on her face.

He caught my gaze and gave a half smile "Bella was a patient of mine" and took a sip of his drink. I knew there was more going on, I'd have to ask him when we were alone.

Emmett made his way over with Jake following up behind him, they were carrying shots. Emmett handed me one and tried to hand one to Bella, but she seemed to be cringing away from him. Jake grabbed one and handed it to her to cover up her behavior. What. The. Fuck? I know Emmett's size could be intimidating, but compared to Jake he was pretty normal. Weird. Alice, Jasper, Mom, Rose and Leah had joined us. We did a salute and took our shots. Just as I finished mine I saw Bella still had her eyes closed, again I was struck by her fragile beauty.

After several drinks and a few more rounds of shots, the band had to go outside to greet a few dozen fans who waited. I was in a very good mood I stayed out there for about an hour. I was pretty sure we got everyone who wanted a picture or autograph. Jake had to play body guard a couple times when a few over anxious fans got to be too much. I'm pretty cool with taking pictures as long as you don't get too handsy and touch my ass. There were some members of the paparazzi taking pictures but not too overwhelming.

I was the only one who decided to stay local so we headed to the W Hotel where we were staying for the night. Sam, Embree, Paul and Seth joined us in the suite since they couldn't make it to the concert. Even though we had just played Jasper pulled out a guitar and started singing, just covers, nothing we've recorded or original and we all joined in at some point. I noticed whenever Jake played Bella had the most serene smile on her face, more relaxed I'd seen her the entire evening. Around 2 am Jake, Leah and Bella left.

"JB we have plenty of room, if you need to crash" I told him as I walked him to the door.

"I would, but I have to get her back" he said with a grimace, he gestured towards Bella.

"What? Would her husband would throw a fit if she's not home?" I said jokingly but the look on Jake's face stopped me from laughing any further. He looked as if he could barely contain his anger.

"You have no fucking idea" he said in a low growl and walked off to the elevator where Leah and Bella were waiting for him. I saw him take Leah's hand and gently rub Bella's back as she stared at her shoes. Something was definitely up.

Alice poked her head out to see what I was looking at, she saw Jake usher Bella and Leah into the elevator.

"Are you going to see her while you're in town?" she asked. I looked down at my sister with a frown; she smiled a knowing smile and then went back into the suite.

I knew it would be an all nighter since Alice and Jasper were leaving on an early flight to Los Angeles, my younger sister has felt deprived since she hasn't been able to shop since we were in Italy seven months ago. I felt bad for her fiancée Jasper, but he had been a good sport about the whole thing. Emmett was going surfing in Hawaii, he's been an avid surfer since he attended UCLA, and has been trying to get me out there, but I wipe out too much. It's hard to believe someone as big as Emmett could be so graceful on a board. And Rosalie was going places unknown. She told us it was none our business, but I knew she wouldn't go anywhere without telling her twin brother Jasper. They were different as day and night but in sync on some other level. Jasper is one of those rare people who's able to connect to anyone male, female, young, and old. I nicknamed him Zen Master; Phil Jackson has nothing on Jasper.

I finally got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, and then I stepped into the shower and let the hot water cascade over my body. I tried not to think of Bella but it was difficult. I felt myself instantly harden. Dammit I was not jacking off to some married woman I couldn't have. But remembering that look on her face when Jake was singing wouldn't leave my mind. It reminded me how much I missed her, how much I craved her. I felt that familiar ache and wondered why I planned to torment myself this way by coming home. Even though Jake never mentioned her part of me knew she didn't leave Forks.

I started singing my Freddy Kruger rhyme. One, two Freddy's coming for you, Three Four better lock your door, Five Six….shit what was that part. I looked around the shower for my shampoo and conditioner before I realized I had left it packed in my suitcase. Well Shit! I glanced around again searching for something, anything... thank you, Mom! Thankfully my mother had also become a Fekkai freak so I didn't have to get out of the shower and search for my shampoo and conditioner. With my body and hair clean I stepped out the shower and dried off. Even though I had 3 days growth, I decided to forgo the shave, I'm on vacation. Since I started doing music with Em, he made me work out even more than ever due to writers block. I have to say the results are pretty good. I'm muscular but still lean; after the strenuous Abs work out I now have a six pack. Fuck yeah! Not bad for a kid they used to call scrawny.

Wrapping the towel around my waist I went back to my room, but couldn't find any of my clothes, I went into the guest room my mom usually designated for our tour trunks I went in search of something to wear. Just as I was leaving my room I did a double take. There was nothing more disturbing then seeing ones mother in denim short shorts, a tight tank top, and the ladybug Converse that Alice bought her for Mother's Day.

"Does your husband know you're wearing that outfit?" I asked her walking into the spare room. She smiled, with her hair in a ponytail, she looked no more than 30, and it was hard to believe she had 3 grown children.

"Yes, he does and it happens to be one of his favorite outfits" she said with a saucy grin, while putting away clothes.

"Aw, Ma why you gotta say stuff like that to me? Ew!" I said rubbing the heels of my hands on eyes as if I were trying to erase the image. She just laughed and handed me my boxers, socks, jeans, white long sleeve and a dark green tee shirt.

"Here, go get dressed; we wouldn't want the paparazzi to get a shot of you running around the house butt nekkid. Unless you're into that kind of thing, son?" she said in her most innocent voice.

"Shit! How many?" I asked her.

"The first day seven but it's dwindled down to 2 as of this morning." she said. "Very nice young men, I let them use the gate house to wash up".

I stared at my mother in disbelief.

"Mom, you can't invite them on the property", I exclaimed. She was too fucking nice sometimes, and it drove me nuts. I proceeded to put my clothes on as she rearranged the ones in my trunk. "Seriously Mom, don't let them take advantage; no more inviting them to use the gate house".

Looking around, I realized my mother had washed every article of clothing that was in the trunks for Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett, and me. I know they planned to come by in a few weeks to figure out what was going to be cleaned or thrown out.

"Mom, please tell me you did not wash all our clothes", I asked her incredulously as I put on my favorite black and white Converse.

"Well....you were asleep and your father has been working crazy hours, plus he's been a bear to deal with", she said quickly.

Yeah, now I know where Alice gets it.

"Besides I didn't wash EVERYTHING, there were some items that YOU need to take to Meyer's Cleaners. I told Stephanie you will have an autographed CD and photo when you bring in the stuff". She finished batting her eyes at me "I took the liberty of to loading the Suburban for you". She proceeded to walk out the room.

"So that means no breakfast?" I asked trying to sound innocent as I followed her down the stairs.

"Sorry sweetie you're going to have to stop at the diner. Besides its lunch time and your dad is on his way home, so you need to leave", she said impatiently as she handed me my black beanie, my messenger bag, phones, keys to the Suburban and my acoustic guitar.

"This is why I'm in therapy".

"No you're in therapy because you bottle up your emotions," she placed a kiss on my cheek and kicked me out of the house. "Jake is expecting you. See you for dinner honey," she said as she slammed the door in my face. My mom just kicked my out of the house so she could have sex! EWW!!!!

I dropped off the 5 large garbage bags to Meyers cleaners and promised to bring the signed CD when I came back to pick up everything.

I then headed out to La Push, I always loved it when I reached the limits that lead me to into the Quileute Reservation, there was a tranquil presence and the culture that just screamed to me. I found parking close to Jake's house and grabbed my bag and guitar. Jake was talking to what seemed like a difficult customer, he nodded to me and I gestured towards the beach.

As I was walking the melody popped in my head. It was louder than I ever heard it before; once I reached the large tree bark I sat down and opened my case. I tried to recreate the melody in my head. After about 15 minutes I let out a frustrated scream and few Fuck's. That's when I noticed Bella sitting on the opposite bark, she was scrunched down so low in the sand I didn't notice her at first but when I looked up at her she immediately looked frighten.

"Hey Bella, sorry about that," I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes Bella still had that frightened look in her eyes. Did she think I was going to hurt her? "I didn't see you there," I said, since she hadn't said a word yet.

"It's okay, I thought I was alone and was stunned" she finally said. I could barely hear her. Her hair was like a tangled curtain so I couldn't make out her face too clearly. We sat in silence for another few minutes; she seemed lost in her own thoughts.

"So what have you been up to?" I finally asked. The quiet was getting to me.

"Not much," she replied. Okay this is worse than pulling teeth. Her phone rang and she let out a heavy sigh.

"Hi, James."

Oh shit, it's the husband. I thought

"I'm with Jake" she grimaced with her head bowed her face was completely out of view. "It was sunny out and I hadn't seen Jake since-" she paused "Yes I took care of that last week-"

I could see a smiling Jake jogging his way to us and Bella jumped up and when he saw her on the phone his smile disappeared.

"Yes. Yes. I promise. Okay have a good day,"

she hung up her phone. We were all silent for a moment. The wind picked up a little and her hair started to whip around her face, when she moved it back I noticed her lips were swollen. I looked away trying not to stare, but I didn't remember her lips being that large when I saw her at the show the other night. Maybe Bella is into those cosmetic lip injections? Just great.

"What the hell happened to your face?" Oh shit, did I say that out loud? Bella looked at me with a stunned expression her cheeks flaming.

"I fell" she said quietly and hid behind her hair. Jake snorted and rolled his eyes "Yeah right". He was looking furious again. Bella walked away not saying a word.

I felt like the biggest ass in the world. Jake and I walked in silence for a while each lost in thought.

"Damn, I didn't mean to say that" I told Jake right before we got to his house a few minutes later.

"You didn't say anything wrong, you just stated the obvious"

"I thought she got some lip injections, I hate that crap"

"I wish it was that" Jake said shaking his head. He took a deep breath as if to calm himself. "We'll talk about it later when I'm calmer" he said then walked into the house.

I walked in behind Jake and that damn melody started softly in my head. My hands were itching to grab my guitar, but my stomach over ruled by letting out a loud growl. Sue, Leah's mom made a mini feast with fried chicken, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, corn on the cob, pulled BBQ pork and my favorite Hawaiian King rolls. For dessert there were chocolate chip cookies and apple tarts all set out in a buffet style.

Grabbing a cookie in one hand and her hand in another I said "Sue, I think I love you" and gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek.

"I figured the food on the road wasn't that great. And Esme said you've been sleeping and hadn't eaten when I spoke to her this morning. Plus you're a little scrawny and need some meat fat on those bones."

"Hey!" I screeched.

Jake let out a boisterous laugh, even Bella let out a low chuckle. Sue gave me a peck on the cheek made her way back to work. "Be sure to save some for the guys, they'll be here in about an hour".

After our massive pig out Jake had to tend to one of his customers. I ended up in Jake's Den with Bella who got online watching some YouTube videos. My stomach was satisfied but the melody blaring in my head was loud and clear. I grabbed my guitar and started playing but as usual the melody was off.

"How can I write a CD when I have had writer's block?", I mumbled to myself.

"Maybe you're not using the right instrument" Bella said quietly. She's was still online not even looking at me. "It's the same melody you were playing on the beach and every time you got a certain twist in the melody you start over".

"I always use my acoustic to write a song, its how I write all my songs"

"Yeah, but its not working, now is it?" she said in a deadpanned voice.

She was right, it wasn't working. I started strumming my guitar again, replaying the melody for another few minutes and as usual I was stuck. I then started playing Dead & Gone by Bobby Long and began singing. I noticed Bella was no longer looking at the computer she was watching me.

"Is that new?" she asked.

"Not mine. Belongs to singer Bobby Long, awesome song writer", I said.

"I've never heard of him" she said quietly.

"He's unsigned. But he has a crap load of stuff on Youtube. And he has an EP" I finished. I looked up to see her grinning at me.

"Do I detect a man crush?"

"Oh puleeze! Why would you say that?"

"You're totally pimping him like a teenage girl with a new crush."

"Am not!"

"Are too!!" she started giggling. It was great to see her carefree laugh, I missed hearing that laugh.

"You can laugh but he's really good. I just miss playing a melody and creating something." Bella just stared at me with a faint smile.

"Then you should listen to the melody", she said softly.

"Bella, that's what I've been doing for months and nothing. I hear it and nothing", I said in a frustrated voice.

"No, I said LISTEN. I have no doubt you've heard it but have you LISTENED to the melody?" I was thoroughly confused and I was pretty sure it was evident on my face. "Sometimes in order to hear you must first listen. Then you nurturer it, don't dominate it or smother it. Just listen".

Oh shit, she was right. I wanted to kiss her right then and there; if this was 4 years ago I would have done just that. I was lost in her chocolate brown eyes and I couldn't pull away. The back door slamming broke the spell.

Jake returned to the den with Sam, Paul and Seth, they each had a plate, sat down and devoured Sue's food. Bella's phone rang again and she stepped out side to take her phone call. I assumed it was her husband again, after a few minutes Jake followed her outside. I caught up with Sam about the new business he started with Paul and Embree. Seth didn't add much to the conversation, he just sat and listened but he had a bored look on his face. They stayed for another fifteen minutes, and then they had to get back to the office. They did pack some food for Embree since he had to stay back and man the fort. I walked towards the garage when I heard Jake and Bella talking, the door was closed so their conversation was slightly muffled.

"Fuck Bella, did you think I wasn't going to notice?" Jake yelled.

"Shh, Jake keep your voice down! I just didn't think it was noticeable".

"Why the fuck should I keep my voice down? Bella for fuck sake if Edward can notice than the whole damn world can see it! Shit Bells when did this happen?"

Bella mumbled something.

"Why?"

I couldn't hear what Bella was saying but Jake was not liking her answers.

"Have you seen Carlisle?" Jake asked I stiffened.

"Jake I'm not calling him for every little thing. I can handle a swollen lip" she fired back.

"You say it like it's a fucking bee sting Bella."

"It's NOTHING" she yelled.

"No Bells, its something" Jake said softly.

"Jake I don't want to argue with you, please let this go" she pleaded.

"That's the problem, I've been looking away too far long", he said slowly.

"You know he'd make good on his threat. Please?"

Jake let out a long tired sigh. "Ok" he said softly. "Let me walk you to the car".

I walked into the garage while Jake escorted Bella to her car, trying to wrap my mind around the conversation I just overheard. Jake walked back in and went over to the car he just serviced placing his hands on the hood.

"What happen to Bella?" I finally asked. Jake turned and looked at me as he leaned against the car. He scrubbed his face with his hands.

"What do you think happened?" he questioned I just shook my head.

"Come on Edward! Take off those fucking rose colored glasses and look around you!" he growled.

Jake looked he wanted to hit someone, and at that moment I was an easy target.

"You're biggest worry is whether or not you can write a damn song. My biggest worry is whether or not I get a call from your dad telling me Bella is dead". He took a deep breath. "Don't you fucking get it? She didn't fall off a ladder or what ever lame story she told you. Her husband did that."

"Tell him to stop", was all I could think to say. Jake laughed at me.

"You don't think I haven't tried Edward! Last time I did I was stuck in jail for a month! His family owns one of the toughest law firms in the state and they made sure those charges were going to stick."

"Jake, when were you in jail?" I asked, completely stunned.

"Three years ago. She'd been married a little over a year and I hadn't heard from her for a few days, so while I was in town I stopped at her place. At first she wouldn't open the door but I was persistent and when she did I nearly lost my mind. The side of her face was black and blue; she looked like a scared little girl. Every time I asked what happened she'd just cry and shake. I figured James was cheating and it was his mistress. I was shocked to hear James was the one who hit her." He glared at me with a murderous look in his eyes. "I was trying to get Bella out of the house when he drove up. And I just pounded on him. Some of Charlie's old buddies were trying to delay the paper work but his fucking cousins Jane and Alec Ramsey put pressure on the D.A. and the bail was so high the Rez couldn't do anything. I was just stuck there. Bella pretty much begged on my behalf he eventually dropped the charges. Bella's one request was that I not interfere in her marriage."

I gaped at Jake, not help?

"Fuck! Is she insane? Jake you know you could have called us!" I yelled.

"Edward, I couldn't come to you. I knew you took Bella's marriage hard", Jake just shook his head and gave me a half assed chuckle. "Besides there was no getting around the Nazi twins".

"That's no excuse, I would have helped….besides, I didn't think you knew about that summer," I admitted.

"Yeah you tried to hide it, but I saw you guys making out one day, I was going to talk to you it, but she came to me about her issues with James, so it was a moot point."

We were lost in our own thoughts for a while. I knew I needed to talk to my father, I knew he couldn't say too much due to patient/doctor confidentiality, but I needed to try. I couldn't wrap my mind around what Jake had told me.

"Why did you tell me today, Jake?" I asked.

"I really don't know, I'm just….just….frustrated….." he trailed off.

"Edward, I love my life in La Push, I've never wanted anything else. I know how important my role is to my people, and I take it very seriously. Knowing Leah has the same commitment to the land and people makes it that much more exciting. It makes me excited to start my life with her, but how do I abandon the woman I consider a sister? She's not even one of my 'people'? Leah has been understanding, but she wants our life to begin, we want to start a family, but I know I will constantly worry about Bella. And the sad part is I'm all she's got and I have to abandon her. I'd go to jail for her, I'm willing to lay my life for her cause she's family, but she won't budge. She used to try to fight back but each day she gets stuck there and starting to think it's nothing. I never know if I'm going to get a call from your dad telling me she's dead. I dread seeing his number come across my caller id. Sometimes I have fucking panic attacks. And if I even yell at that fucker my ass is back in jail", he looked right at me. "Edward I wish my fucking problem was writers block. I wish my biggest problem was worrying if I should spend the summer in Spain or LA, hell Timbuktu! But my biggest worry is if my the woman I love, like a sister, makes it through the night or the woman I want to be the mother of my children, is going to give up on us because I'm not giving our relationship enough effort", he said in a defeated voice, looking 10 years older than his 24 years.

Jake's customer returned then, ceasing our conversation. I packed my gear and went home. Driving through Forks I took in the beautiful lush green trees I took for granted as a teenager. Learning that behind all this beauty something dark and painful was bubbling under made my heart ache. I made my way on to my parent's estate, waiting for the relief I usually felt to wash over me. The paparazzi were still present and snapped a few pictures. I threw up my usual peace sign and made my way to the garage. Taking a deep breath I made my way to my room.

***********

I woke up craving a cigarette, I didn't sleep well, and normally being home on my parent's estate I felt safe and relaxed. But last night I was tense and couldn't stop thinking about everything Jake had told me, and there was this seething anger building. I felt as if I was suffocating, the need to calm my nerves was on overload. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and head for the patio that was off the side of the house, hoping my mom didn't smell the smoke. I'd get the smoking lecture again and then she'd tell my dad and last thing I needed to see was pictures of black lungs. As I approached the patio I realized someone had beaten me out there. When I stepped outside the person out there smoking was the last one I'd ever expected to see ….my father. His eyes were closed deep in thought.

"Dad?" I call to him quietly.

He opened his eyes and gave me a tired half grin. "Hey Son, out for a stroll?" he asked softly.

"Yeah that's what it is?" I think the confusion was in my eyes.

He took a drag and blew out the smoke. "I only indulge when I'm stressed, so let's keep this between us" and he threw me his pack. I lit my cigarette and took a deep drag and sat across from him. His eyes were closed again. Before I could ask him what was wrong he spoke.

"You'd think being an ER doctor is easier because you fix your patient, and send them on their way with instructions on how not to do it again" he looked up at me with his sad blue eyes, pained and confused. "It's the days when you get a patient so many times a month, knowing they're lying to you, and refuse help. They're so defeated, they lose hope…..what do I do then?" he asked me. I had never seen my father so vulnerable.

"I think if you continue to have hope, and allow them to see there's something else out there, they'll start to listen", was all I could think to say, taking another drag.

"Son, I've used all the resources I could ethically use. My hands are tied, so I wait till they return back the ER", he said.

"Dad?"

My dad looked at me with tired eyes. "What if it was Alice? What would you do then?", I asked, gave up the pretense of not knowing who he was talking about.

"Personally I would have put a hit out him, if it was Alice. Otherwise I would keep fighting till she sees reason", he said. "She seemed to get along with Alice the other night. So, I'm hoping they can become friends."

"Sounds good, but Alice might be a little reluctant, you'll need incentive", I said.

"Son, I may have been at the hospital more than your t-ball games and Alice's recitals, but I know what motivates you. Don't worry I've got your sister covered", he said as he put out his cigarette. "Good Night Edward".

"Night Dad", I said as he made his way into the house.

I lit another cigarette, when the melody started fucking with my head again. I thought back to what Bella said, as I walked quickly to the house stubbing out my cigarette. I went down to my music room, flicked the switch and there she stood before me, rarely used since I was 14, my baby grand piano. I tapped a few keys and tonight for the first time in 10 years I was grateful my mother kept the piano and had it tuned regularly.

I sat down on the bench, trying to recapture the melody, but it still didn't sound right. I was about to give up, when I realized I was forcing it. I starting playing compositions I hadn't played in years, a song I written for my parent's, that I had never been able to put words to, it was just something that reminded me of them.

The frustration was peaking again, I lit another cigarette and started to make my way back upstairs. When I reached the top I took a deep drag, slowly blew out the smoke, and walked back down stairs again. I grabbed Rose's old ash tray near an amp, and sat back at the piano and listened. I listened how the melody was strong and dramatic yet soft and soothing, like a lullaby.

And I finally understood why it was hard to play this song; it was because images of her flashed through my mind. The first time she smiled at me, the first time she sang a song not caring that she was slightly off key. I remembered when she fell asleep in my arms when we watched a movie, her reading a book, or me teaching her how to play guitar. All these moments I tried to forget. Remembering how she made me tongue tied, how she made me forget every other woman, and she made me want to be a better man.

My hands shook as I placed them on the keys.

I played the melody that had been haunting me for months. It wasn't perfect, but it was so close my heart started to race. I felt the tears well up remembering my Bella, my sweet Bella. I wept those silent tears knowing, that my Bella no longer existed, the haunted woman is a reminisce of what she use to be.

My blood boiled with anger, the melody no longer soothing, but dark and angry. The rage was consuming me. I jumped up from the piano, shaking.

I took another drag on my cigarette. The rage still burned inside me but now it was more contained.