CHAPTER 3

"I hope it is OK if I stay here for a while with you and the children, Candy" said Patty as their party neared its end. "This is such a beautiful, peaceful place, I would love to stay and help out, if that's OK with Mrs Pony and Sister Mary".

"But of course, Patty, you don't even need to ask, it would be great if you could spend some time here, and I would absolutely love your company", said Candy. "I am sure you've noticed that with so many children here, an extra pair of helping hands is always welcome", she joked.

Later that evening, Archie, Annie and Albert got ready to leave.

"We will come back to visit as soon as possible", promised Annie.

"Yes, definitely!" added Archie. "We had a truly lovely time here today; we will be back very soon. Please, take care of Patty, Candy".

Albert waited until Archie and Annie had left, and then he too came to say goodbye to the girls and to thank Mrs Pony and Sister Mary for organising that great gathering.

Candy walked with him to his car, then he turned towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I have to be away on business for a while, Candy. I will try to come and see you again as soon as time allows, but please, feel free to write to me, I always enjoy hearing from you."

"Yes, Albert, of course I will. Do take care of yourself now, I will miss you very much", she said with a sigh hiding in his arms. They held each other tight for a while, then he gently let her go.

"If you need anything, do not hesitate to contact me or George, OK?"

She watched him drive into the distance and waved at him one last time. Actually, take extra care Albert, Sir William Albert Ardlay, my Prince of the hill... what an extraordinary day, she thought and started to walk slowly towards the orphanage, still thinking of him.

Albert too was thinking about Candy as he was driving back to the family's mansion in Chicago. He could sense her true feelings and how devastated she still was after her breakup with Terry. She had gone through so much the last few weeks, that disgraceful arrangement to trap her to marry Neal (Albert felt he could gladly strangle that pathetic idiot!), her shock at the revelation that he was Uncle William, and then, what was this she had said, her Prince? Candy, my dear Candy, he thought, how I love your smile, I would give anything in the world to know you are happy, like you deserve to be...

Albert felt sad he was unable to offer her more support as he was going to be extremely busy now with all his business affairs. Who knows when he would be back from the next set of business trips George had already arranged for him! Mexico, Argentina, Chile, Brazil... and yet, there was a little voice in his head that told him perhaps there was also another reason he wasn't sure he was the right person to help Candy through her pain right now... a voice that reminded him of uncomfortable feelings, feelings he had been suppressing for some time now... feelings that had to do with the inexplicable sparkle and elation he felt fill him up every time he was close to Candy...

The days at Pony's hill passed fairly uneventfully. Both Candy and Patty were grateful for the opportunity to feel useful and keep busy and the children loved their generous care and attention. Patty made a special effort to help the smaller children improve their reading and writing skills, and Candy kept them happily occupied with a number of adventurous games (typically involving climbing, running, throwing the lasso with the occasional cautionary remarks from Sister Maria).

Mr Matthews would come in bringing in letters from Archie and Annie, and Tom would visit from time to time to catch up with their news and help out around the farm. The evenings, however, were more difficult. Once the children had gone to sleep, the two girls finally had time to themselves, to rest, to think and remember... the warm weather allowed them to sit outside and look at the stars together and talk...

"I miss Stear so much Candy, sometimes I fear I will always suffer and never get over the pain", Patty said quietly one evening.

"He comes in my dreams and he is so cheerful, always full of smiles and strange inventions and he talks to me, he holds me, he tells me he loves me too and I don't want to wake up Candy, in my dreams we are together and I cannot bear to lose him again".

Tears were running down her face, her eyes shut, her arms wrapped around her knees as if trying to protect herself from the unseen enemy who came and took her happiness away forever.

Candy reached over and caressed her back tenderly, "Patty... when Anthony died, I went through exactly the same feelings. The loss, the pain, the denial, the anger, the eternally unanswered why... I honestly didn't think I would ever recover".

She stayed silent for a while, then continued.

"It was a long time before I could see through my desperation and realise that life has to go on and that Anthony would never want me to suffer like this. I felt that even if I didn't have the strength to move on for myself, I had to at least try for his sake".

Patty sobbed almost inaudibly now. Candy closed her eyes too and remembered these same wise words, first spoken to her by Albert, when he sought her up that very hill, to console and comfort her broken heart when she was too weak to go on...

"Patty, I know for sure that Stear loved you and that we are all terribly lucky to have had the honour to be his friends. Behind the jovial face there was a man of great passion and integrity, a man who wouldn't accept the terrible injustices of this world and made a decision to fight for what he thought was right... I miss him too, more than I can possibly say, but I carry a part of him in my heart always so in some ways he is never too far away..."

A few minutes passed in silence following Candy's words. Then Patty asked cautiously

"and you, Candy? How are you... you heard about Terry's recent success in Broadway – you saw the newspaper article... how do you go on, knowing that the one you love is still alive and yet..."

Candy took a while to reply. The memory of Susanna's letter only a few days ago was still painfully fresh in her mind. She was so surprised to get a letter with the New York post office stamp printed on it; for one brief moment she had thought... she had hoped... The letter read as follows:

Dear Candy,

I hope you are well. I am sorry about the way you had to leave New York. I now know where Terry's heart is. The only thing that is left for me to do is to wait and hope that he will love me too some day. I can no longer walk at all, but just knowing that he is next to me makes me happy. I now realise that he is my life and my soul and the only thing I can do is be close to him and wait for him, forever, if necessary. I love him so much! I will always stay by his side to take care of him.

Susanna

It was fortunate that Patty was there with her when the letter arrived, for it really disturbed her quite a lot and Candy was grateful to have her friend's support. It wasn't so much because of the content that she got upset but it brought back a flood of memories she wished to put behind her. Candy didn't say anything more about it for a few days and Patty didn't ask any questions. About a week later, late in the afternoon, Candy went for a lonely stroll up the hill; she needed to get away from the hustle and bustle of Pony Hill's lively sounds for a while. She was glad to be alone, she didn't feel she could share her soul's agony with anyone yet...

Well, maybe perhaps Albert... where are you Albert, I miss you so much! Where are the trouble-free days we spent in our little flat, remember? Where no matter what happened I could hide in your arms and somehow everything was OK again... her steps brought her to a large, old oak tree. She sat down and rested her back against the strong trunk and looked at the horizon. The sun would set soon...

With trembling hands she unfolded Susanna's letter again and read it once more. She then pulled out another sheet of paper and started to read the reply she had prepared:

Dear Susanna,

I am well, but I must confess that I hated you when you turned me away at the hotel in Chicago. At that time I thought that I loved Terry more than you... but when I went to New York and found out you saved his life, and then tried to kill yourself for Terry and me, I realized that you loved him from the bottom of your heart and I knew what I had to do. All I have is the letter you sent me and I read it over and over. When Terry left the theatre, I realized that you and he were having problems, and not me. I am fine. Terry is now in my past and I don't look back. I am very happy that I met Terry and you. Someday we will see each other again, perhaps when we are very old and we will laugh about all this. I know you will take care of him. Always be by his side. Sometimes I see you in the magazines smiling even though you are in a wheelchair. Now I know that I made the right decision.

Candy

And then… then she read another letter… a longer one, a more personal one, a letter she knew that just like the one written to Susanna, she was never going to send. She knew fine well that there could be no further communication with him, what was there to say? Irretrievable decisions had been made and they were both now forging a new path. Painfully, no doubt, but hey, life does have that annoying habit of going on, even when it has thrown you into an abyss of anguish, crushed your heart into a sorrowful pulp, and laughed at your despairing face when you thought you had it all made, only to take everything away from you. Again…

Dear Terry,

I've just read the article on your Hamlet, which said it received favourable reviews. I'm really delighted to hear that. Congratulations on your success! I had believed the day must come once again sometime. As if I were there, I could hear thunderous applause towards you, which wouldn't stop. And I could see you were in a white costume and replying curtain call many times with a smile. Sister Pony and Sister Lane said you are the best Hamlet they have ever seen in their entire lives. They were fascinated to see your picture in the paper, and they were bubbling over just like young girls. Well, Terry, you visited Pony's Home once before, didn't you? At that time, I was also on the way back to Pony's home. Time goes by mercilessly. If I had made time pause just for a short while, I could have seen you here. Was Pony's Hill as you had imagined it? It does look like a little Pony's Hill, doesn't it?

I can just picture you standing alone on Pony's Hill when you came here on a powder-snowing day, even though I wasn't there. I was back to the US running after you, and then I was studying to be a nurse, while I was dreaming to see you again sometime.

"I have something to do that I really want." You said so when you had left St. Paul Academy.

I wanted you to see how I had gone through my life all through my own effort. I had believed that I would see you again sometime. I was so happy when I found the article about you in the corner of a newspaper for the first time.

Terrence Graham-----

I found out that G of the Terrence G Grantchester meant Graham when I saw it. I had thought G meant as in Gorilla! I heard that your mother, Eleanor Baker named you Graham! I was so moved to know you had abandoned the name of Grantchester when you had left England. I sensed your determination just from reading this story. By the way, Broadway people really had an eye for discovering a talented new actor. They found out your talent immediately. Every time I saw your news, I used to think I had to hang in there like you. You would never imagine how happy I was to know you came to Chicago for that one day performance with Stratford Company. You hadn't known I was in the US at that time, I had thought I would give you a big surprise to appear suddenly. Unfortunately, the performance was allowed to be seen only by invitation. There was no reason why I would be invited since I was just a nurse. When I almost gave up hope, Archie and Stear got a ticket for me, which was really lucky. However, it was not my day. I was on night shift, and nobody would take my place on that day for me. But I really had to see your performance, and I sneaked out of my work to come to the theatre. As you know, I'm good at sneaking out. But I had a responsibility to work at the hospital, it wasn't like sneaking out of St. Paul's.

Later that night, I was scolded severely by Frannie who was my senior at nurses' training school. I was disappointed that I couldn't see your performance from the booked seat after all because of Eliza causing such a fuss. However, I just saw you from a balcony seat. You were really marvellous as King of France --- they should have put the title King of France instead of King Lear, that's what I thought.

I listened to your clear and carrying voice on the stage. And I saw your refined behaviour under the spotlight. You hazily reflected in my tearful eyes with. Your popularity was terrific. I was so amazed to see you were surrounded by a crowd of girls at that time.

I cried "Terry!" at the top of my voice, but it was drowned out. While I was jostled by the crowd of onlookers, I was looking at you and Susanna getting on the carriage.

As I look back on it now, I think that might have been preview for our future separation. We had passed and missed each other all the time, like at Pony's home, at the theatre and also the hotel in Chicago. When I visited the hotel where you stayed, Terry, you were waiting for me back in front of the hospital, weren't you? Oh, I wish I had known it earlier. While you were there, I was sent away from the hotel by Susanna, and I was in deep grief for not seeing you there so I ended up wandering alone around the streets absent-mindedly till dawning.

I was muttering to myself over and over, "Terry, I'm just wondering could you have forgotten about me already? ...No, it cannot be so."

Stair told me later, you were at the reception after the performance, which was hold by the Mayor of Chicago, and you heard from him I was back in the US. You must have been surprised to hear that. I just wanted to see your surprised look, but I was not there and I missed it. I was so delighted to hear from him that you had left the reception immediately without caring about other guests who tried to talk with you right after you had found out I was in Chicago. Oh really, we had many chances to meet and plenty of time in that night if we were lucky enough. But finally I was really happy to see you (only one glance) and to know you were doing well.

Right after I got your message from our gatekeeper the next day at noon, I rushed to the train station. When I arrived there, the train had already left. Then I ran toward towards the ranch because I wanted to just see the train you were supposed to be on. I found you standing on the deck. Our eyes met just for an instant. That's all... but I was happy enough.

Our sweet memories go on and on, Terry. If I had known all this would happen, I would have written more letters to you. I wish I could have gotten your letters more often. But it's too late, right? After our short reunion, I went to NY. I didn't expected at all it was going to be a farewell journey for you and me. When I received a theatre ticket for Romeo and Juliet and a one-way train ticket to come to you, I thought my long waiting to see you had finally been rewarded by these great gift. Oh, yes, I had been waiting for that day to come, counting the days on my fingers. After all, we had a special memory with this play, Romeo and Juliet. I'm so surprised that you really played Romeo. When I could see you again in NY, it was the happiest moment in my life because we hadn't seen each other for such a long time. I still keep that emotion in my heart. At that time, I was a bit concerned to see you anxious sometimes. But I was too happy to care about it. Now I know you had been distressed about Susanna all the time. I'm so sorry I didn't do anything for you during that time when you were so troubled. Now I'm so sad about it. I can say Susanna's accident was not your fault, but it is true that she saved your life and that she had sacrificed herself in your place. When I knew Susanna's deepest feelings about you, I had already decided to say goodbye to you, Terry. I couldn't stand to see you suffering any longer. Above all, I know we wouldn't be able to get along together happily while Susanna was left alone in the depths of despair like that.

When I said goodbye to you, you said giving me a hug on my back, "Be happy or else I won't forgive you."

Thank you, Terry. I'm so happy now. I have always lots of friends who care about me so much. Above all, I still have the sweet, good memories in my heart that we had shared all the time. I will never forget your warm chest on my back for the rest of my life. On the other hand, Terry, you hadn't been happy since we broke up. You had been so upset and confused that you could hardly devote yourself to acting, and then you had to leave the company... You were such a fool, Terry. And more than that, I had been stupid too because I could only care about my grief, I was so selfish. I think it was divine intervention for me to find you by chance at a playhouse of a company on the road, on that winter's day. You were drunk and stumbling about while trying to act.

I was almost jumping on the stage in front of you, and punching on your chest to shout "Get a grip, Terry!"

I wanted to do that for you. Terry, could you hear my voice in my mind at that time? You had become angry at a certain moment in the middle of the play. And then you looked like a completely different person who was acting full of energy. I couldn't hold back the tears with…

"It IS you. YOU ARE TERRY." I was murmuring to myself in my mind.

Did you find to know your mother was in the audience, at that time? Later that night Eleanor Baker, your mother called me in confidence. She said she had cancelled her work on a movie to follow you in secret. She was kind enough to send me an invitation ticket for Hamlet, the other day. However, I sent it back to her. I don't have the courage to see your performance in Broadway, not yet.

Terry, I'm back in Pony's home and working as a nurse there. There are so many things have happened since we broke up. My funny friend, Stear volunteered for the air force in France and got killed in battle. I'm so sorrow to lose my dearest people one by one, just like that Nursery Rhyme, the Ten Little Indians, but only Albert is always with me. Terry, guess what! He is the one who is my adoptive father, Uncle William. We have been all neatly taken in. Say, do you think Albert could be an actor?

Oh dear! I'm just surprised to see those sheets of letter paper I've written. I'm wondering why I wrote such a long letter I'm never going to send to you. Your article on the success of Hamlet must have got me excited, I guess. It's almost sunset. I can hear the bells are ringing from our little church echoing through the mountains.

Terry, please take good care of Susanna. I read an article with her interview when you came back to Broadway from that road company after your long disappearance.

"Miss Susanna, were you anxious that Terry left you and disappeared?"

"No, I wasn't. Because I always trust him whatever he does."

When I read the interview, tears rolled down my cheeks. I think Susanna Marlowe is such a sweet person. So are you, Terry. At that time, you chose not me but Susanna after thinking it over agonizingly. I still like the way you are. Terry, it's so far away from here to Broadway, but I hope you do remember that I'm always your devoted fan in the US countryside. Please keep in mind that I will always give you a big hand when you are on the stage.

Freckled Tarzan

PS: I loved you.

"Candy?" Patty's questioning eyes were still lingering on her face.

Candy grimaced then took a deep breath. She started gingerly...

"In my mind I know that our decision was the right one, I am absolutely certain of that. I have thought about this quite a lot and I still can't find any possibility of me being with Terry and being happy together knowing that Susanna is suffering in addition to the permanent disability she will have to endure all her life. As for my heart... well Patty, it is broken, and it is bleeding and just like you, I sometimes fear I will be stuck in my despair forever... but there are some good days too and I am beginning to feel that maybe, slowly, the pain is becoming less so yes, I hope that with time..."

Another pause... then she added "I returned the invitation Terry's mother sent me. You know, the one to go and see him in Broadway."

Patty nodded, she had seen the invitation and Candy's response too.

"I think you did the right thing Candy. Meeting him now, after all that has happened would only serve to upset you more and open old wounds again. Maybe, with time, once we are all more settled and have moved on, maybe then it won't be so painful."

Candy wondered. Has Eleanor received my response yet? Was she insulted? Will she understand that I cannot see Terry anymore?

Dear Miss Eleanor Baker,

I really thank you for your letter and invitation ticket. I wondered for how long I was lost in thought, looking at the ticket for "Hamlet". I had learned about Terry's Hamlet in the newspapers and magazines.

Although I try not to see the news about Terry, I can't help but see it. I feel like a long time has passed since we met in that country town. He has completely recovered. I've never been happier.

I know already that the play will have great reviews. I believe Hamlet played by Terry will be wonderful. When I close my eyes, I can see that. I'm most grateful for your thoughtfulness.

You say you'll kindly send a car to pick me up on the designated date. But, but, I can't go there. I really want to see the play that Terry appears. But I don't want to see it.
If I see his play, I will want to meet him. I'll want to meet and talk to him. Unlike the play in the road company in that country town, finally I might be able to see Terry's play. But I have decided to give up.


There are still painful memories from our meeting in New York. I can't pretend that these memories are not hurting still. After a while... after a while, time will heal my heart. I'm sorry, Miss Baker.

Please, forgive me for rudely sending back the invitation ticket.

Candice White Ardlay

The girls continued to sit outside under the night stars, the peace being disturbed only by the rhythmic trill of the cricket song, a very gentle breeze caressing their faces. Patty took off her glasses absent-mindedly and cleaned them with the edge of her dress.

She stared into the darkness and said "Let's make a promise to each other, Candy. Let's promise we will try to take one day at a time, to be grateful for what we do have and start hoping again that someday our heart will heal and we may even find love again".

The two girls stayed huddled together for a little getting strength from one another.

Candy then said "come on, time to go to sleep. You do remember Tom is coming over tomorrow to take us all down to the big lake, so we need to get up early. Actually, he seems to be visiting quite frequently lately, have you noticed?" she winked at Patty.