Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I just really wish I did, that honor belongs to Stephanie Meyers!
I want to apologize for the delay, my trip to Texas to see Bobby Long and my sad excuse for a computer delayed me.
I want to thank my betas MsBond (-- thank you for being the best hostess!) & LilKel for dealing with my emo ass.
And HUGE thank you to the new reader and the reviews, some of you have been so great with your kind words.
Please check out this site: http://joyforkidswithcancer(.)blogspot(.)com
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my TAMI twin!! luv you Tamster!
The sun was blindingly bright, I could hear the waves crashing but it wasn't the beaches I grew up on in Forks, it was much too warm. I had the worst hangover, ever. My head was pounding, everything hurt, I made my way down the beach trying to figure out where I was, I didn't even remember leaving my hotel room, what city was I in?
Maybe Ibiza, I knew it was on the list but could I be so tired that I blocked out getting here and getting so trashed I could barely remember my own name? Fuckin' Emmett, only I would allow my older brother to let me get this fucked up. I hoped there wasn't any damn groupies in my room, last thing I wanted to deal with was a conversation explaining a one-night stand and the promise of a ticket for the next time I was in town. It was callous but fuck I'm young, I was supposed to fuck whatever was in sight.
I don't know how long I walked but I finally saw a house in the distance; it was a bit small but I figured that must be where we were staying. I trotted over as quickly as I could, just wanting something for my massive headache. When I approached the door it was locked, I banged on it with no response. I decided to walk around the house when I noticed this was the only house on the beach. My heart rate started to accelerate, What the Fuck?
I was looking for another way into the house when I saw her. She was wearing a pink bikini that fit perfectly against the soft curves of her frame, wavy mahogany hair flowing down her back, her eyes never wavering; I knew it was Bella. The one I was supposed to forget. What was she doing here? I'd never seen her look so amazingly sexy, with a small smirk on her pink glossed lips and determined eyes that could have devoured me. She walked toward me and did something I craved more than breathing; her face reached mine, I could feel her breath and taste her sweetness as she passionately pressed her lips to mine. She teased and taunted me as her wet tongue brushed the outline of my mouth before entering, our tongues wrestled for dominance, the kiss had enough sexual electricity to fuel a small country. There was no shyness, our bodies melted together as if we were never apart.
When her hands stroked through my hair my head no longer hurt, her wanton behavior gave me the courage to trail my fingers down the contours of her body until I softly grabbed her lusciously firm ass and when she moaned against my lips I propelled her against the wall.
"Easy, you don't want to start something you have no intention of finishing" I whispered in her ear before the need to nibble her lobe took over; I then continued to taste her deliciousness as I slowly ran my lips down the side of her neck, the touch of my wet mouth on her skin made her shiver and goose bumps broke out all over. I let my hands softly slide up her back until I released her bikini top and let it fall to the ground. She grinned up at me, again not shy, the swell of her breasts had me mesmerized, she noticed where my attention was diverted, and her fingers gently trailed from her delectable neck down her silky skin until she reached her dusty rose areola. My breathing hitched as she flicked her nipple; I was relishing in her perfection, like a 15 year old boy I was overly eager to take them into my taunted wet lips, I reenacted the flick with my tongue before I started sucking on her creamy pink nipple. I brought my other hand up to gently roll the other nipple in between my fingers. Hearing her moans made me more excited; I needed to feel her, needed to be inside her. I felt her hands tugging on my pants trying to pull them off. I barely had my pants down, when I felt her wet heat through the bikini bottoms on my cock. As I moved the material to the side I slide in between her folds until I felt her center and push into her as deeply as I could possibly go. I closed my eyes as the feeling of me filling her overwhelmed my senses; I heard her moan and then she was gone. I was on the beach again. Alone.
What the hell was going on?
I walked until I found the house once again, searching, but Bella didn't reappear. I was starting to panic because I was alone and I felt as if I were stuck in that stupid Bill Murray movie, 'Ground Hog Day', that Emmett insisted was comedic genius, but I personally thought he hit his head way too much when he played ball. The headache was persistent, almost to a point of being blinding; I had to sit before I passed out. I was cradling my head when I felt someone touch my hands; I looked up into Bella's big brown eyes. She was wearing a pair of short cut off denim shorts, and a tank top that barely covered her breast.
"How are you feeling?" she asked eyes full of concern.
"Bad," was all I could manage, my head felt as if it were going to explode. I put the headache aside, I'd figure that out in a minute; I needed to know why Bella was here again? "What are you doing here? Where is every one?" I said, firing out the questions to distract me from the pain.
Instead of answering me, she brushed her lips against my cheek and followed with soft kisses down my jaw line, but unlike before the pain didn't lessen. Our lips met once again and it was when she placed her hands on my neck that a flash of an unconscious Bella hit me like a ton of bricks. I jumped back, her lips were still puckered when she looked at me and gave me the most innocent smile.
"What the fuck is going on?" I demanded.
She looked at me and sighed as she shook her head, "Don't you like my kisses?" she asked as she batted her eyes at me. My Bella would never do something like that.
"Bella, as much I enjoy almost fucking you against a wall, I'd really like you to please tell me where we're at," I said, sounding bored.
"You're no fun," she said in a pouty voice.
"The last time I saw you, you were unconscious," I said hoping to get a straight answer.
"I don't know why I'm here, this is your dream," she murmured.
"I'm dreaming?" I asked, thoroughly confused.
"Yes," she said as she crawled into my lap and attacked my mouth. In the past I'd wake up when I had dreams about Bella, ending right before we got to the point of having sex, but for some reason this dream continued. I really wanted this, but why wasn't I waking up?
I stopped kissing Bella and stared at her trying to figure things out when I heard voices, they were muffled but I distinctly heard my mothers. I untangled myself from Bella and went in search of her. Bella trailed behind, never saying a word. It wasn't until I heard my mother's sobs that I grew frantic, she needed me and I couldn't get to her. My frustration grew as I circled the beach, the lone house sitting there, mocking me knowing I couldn't get in nor could I leave this beach. I sat on the porch where Bella and I made out with my hands in my hair, trying to ease the intense ache that I couldn't escape.
When I lifted my head, I was no longer on the porch but on the beach and the sun not quite as bright. I walked until I found the little house, and just like before I couldn't get in, I thought I heard Alice and Jasper's voice coming from inside, but no matter how many times I banged on the window or door and yelled out, I was never invited inside.
Bella said this was my dream but it was more like a nightmare, nothing made sense. I could hear my family but couldn't see them, Bella was a sexual vixen who disappeared each time I tried to fuck her, and I had a paralyzing headache. Yeah this was all so logical!
I'm not sure how long I sat on the porch; I was just relieved I didn't end up back on the beach when my head started pounding, it was the only real feeling I had, that ache in the back of my head. I was trying to figure out why I had the ongoing headache; the muted voices were driving me insane and they seemed to be what was keeping the nagging headache going, I even started to hear loud ass Jake, and finally Emmett. I had this longing to be with my family and I couldn't. I felt desperately alone.
I suddenly heard muffled screams coming from the inside of the house, I peered through the window and I saw Bella trying to fight off her attacker, when I suddenly had flashes of Bella running and screaming on the front lawn, someone was choking her, my father administering CPR to her unconscious body as I ran after James.
James! That's who was in there with her now!
I banged on the window and he looked at me with gleeful vengeance as he killed Bella before my eyes, her limp body made me want to vomit. I needed to get to her but I couldn't break the door down. I threw my full weight against it and got nothing, it wouldn't budge. The pain in my head seemed to explode; I grew weaker as the throbbing intensified like I was going to pass out from the constant pain and distension. There was no denying it, I needed to get to Bella, but darkness once again surrounded me.
I woke on the dreaded beach again, I'm really starting to not like beaches, I thought, as I made my way to the house, the muted voices surrounding me, only this time louder. My father's voice was very distinct, as if he was reading a passage rather than having an actual conversation with someone. I noticed I was growing tired very quickly; there was heaviness to my steps that wasn't there before and as usual nothing made sense.
When I arrived at the house, I looked in the windows to my relief Bella and James were not there, I felt as if I was going in circles with this house and the beach. Why was I here? What was going on? Bella said it was my dream so did that mean I conjured up her dying? Not something I want to relive…relive? Did this happen? Were they memories? Why haven't I woken up from this God-awful dream?
The pain in my head was dulled for the moment but was still there, as well as the voices, Jake and Emmett, their loud asses never could shut the fuck up, I even started to hear Rosalie and she rarely said shit. They never heard me screaming out their names and they continued to talk as if I wasn't even there. It was then that I realized they were watching a ball game, I could hear an announcer but when I looked around there was only beach and sand.
Occasionally I would hear my mother's voice as she prattled on about stuff but it was Alice's voice that unnerved me. It was distinctively different, as if she didn't know what to say and when she did, it was hollow; most of the time I just heard her cry. I hated when my little sister cried, she was always so fearless and I knew tears meant she was emotionally frazzled. Jasper usually helped her before she even got to this point but there seemed to be no helping her right now, I just wanted to comfort her but I couldn't find her. I kept saying 'It's going to be ok Ace" but I knew she couldn't hear me.
Another streak of light hit me, blinding me momentarily. When I opened my eyes I was afraid I would be back on the beach but I remained on the porch. The voices came back and I felt as if I were right in the room with them. Jake and Rosalie were arguing about something, Jasper was telling them to shut the hell up, my never ending headache returned, which made the voices dim. I'd rather hear Rose and Jake argue than deal with the headaches.
I must have dozed off because it was almost dark, I saw a light coming through the window of the unwelcoming little house, and I could see my mom reading a magazine. I banged on the window, but she ignored me, my father came in and sat next to her.
"Anything new?" my mother asked discarding her magazine.
"No, he's good. We're out of the danger zone so we just wait now," my father replied. "Go home and get some rest."
"No, I know I won't be able to sleep. Not with you both here," she said stubbornly.
"You need to rest," he said.
"Are you going home Carlisle?" my mother asked with a raised eyebrow.
"No." he said with a small smile. "Want to share a bunk with me in the doctors' quarters?"
"Yeah, I think that would be a good idea," my mother said. My father stood up and offered a hand to my mother, which she took with a smile. I banged on the window hoping to get their attention but they disappeared. I began to lose hope of ever getting out of this as I watched my parents disappear.
All the banging made me tired; I sat on the porch with my head in my hands, praying for a way to escape. What if I was dead and this was some form of purgatory? I tried to remember what happened to cause me to be stuck here.
The sun no longer shined, it was pitch black, and I could barely make out my hands in front me. I heard a door creek open, I looked up to see a dim light, the door to the house was finally opened and I walked slowly to the cracked door. When I gripped the knob, after trying so hard to get into the house I was afraid to cross the threshold. I opened the door wide, walked through as everything went black.
I felt as if I were drowning in the darkness, I tried to make my way to the surface but I was still under. I heard unfamiliar voices murmuring around me, the consist heartbeat made my head buzz. I felt as if I was swimming in the darkness without actually moving.
Eventually I heard my family talking, I wanted to call out to get there attention but my body wouldn't cooperate, the darkness was starting to become murky when I felt my right foot go numb, the needle sensation allowing me to move my big toe. I wanted to do a dance. Eventually I was able to move my toes with ease.
Soon, every limb was tingling and movement was soon achieved. I was silently acknowledging my accomplishment when I heard Jake come into the room. His booming voice scared the shit out of me at first, he was telling me would be back for the game but then I heard Bella, and I calmed myself.
"Thanks Jake," she said softly, I felt her hands cover mine. "Hi Edward, I've been released but it doesn't feel right to leave without you." Released from where? "We should be walking out of this place together, as a big Fuck You to the Ramsey's. But you're asleep….I hate being needy but…I need you. I'm going to be fucked up for awhile but I would be less fucked up with you around. I know I'm asking for a lot and I don't deserve it, but please wake up," she finished, she sounded so heartbreakingly sad, I could feel her tears slide down my hand.
"I'll try to come back in a couple of days," she said, which meant she was leaving. NO! Not you too Bella. I wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but the darkness held me prisoner. She said she'd be back, but did she mean it, what if James wouldn't allow her to come back? I just wanted one glimpse to savior.
The nagging headache suddenly intensified, I wanted to let the drowning feeling take over to ease the ache but I refused, the more I fought the darkness the more unbearable the pain became. I held my breath to let the pain pass when my eyes suddenly opened.
Everything was hazy, I could see light peaking through the blinds, flowers & balloons littered the room, the TV was on as I suspected and I saw Bella's bowed head clutching my hand. When I felt her squeeze my hand, I squeezed back. I heard her gasp and she squeezed my hand again and I squeezed back. She looked up at me in shock.
"Hey," I said softly, not sure what else to say, everything was very muddled for me.
"Oh my god Edward," Bella said as she hurdle herself at me knocking the wind out of me. Bella stayed like that for a couple of minutes and when she looked up her face was full of pain.
"What's wrong?" I asked, my voice unnaturally raspy. I became instantly worried when I saw her right eye was black and blue, and there were multiple bruises along her jaw line. Her lips were swollen like when I first visited La Push.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that," she mumbled. "I better get off you."
"I don't mind," I said with a chuckle wanting to ask what happened but then regretted it because my head seemed to explode; I had to squeeze my eyes shut from the intensity. Holy Fuck!
"Edward?" Bella called my name frantically. "Please stay awake till I can get the doctor." But the darkness took over.
***
When I woke up this time my entire family was there including Jasper, Rosalie, my Uncle Aro and Bella, who was still in a wheel chair, they were all in the room talking. I must have made a noise because my mother raced over to me; she had unshed tears in her eyes.
"Hi Edward," she whispered.
"Hi, Mom," I said, tiredly. I was honestly happy to see her. I looked around to see that everyone had come around the bed. But it was Alice who, like Bella, threw herself on me. She was sobbing uncontrollably into my chest. Jasper tried to remove her but I told him it was ok, she wasn't hurting me; my head was the only thing that caused me pain.
Even though my sister was tiny she was extremely strong, and she held me so tight I could barely breathe. I tried to reassure her I was ok but that seemed to make her worse.
"Ace, its ok," I murmured, still unsure what exactly happened, nothing made sense.
"I was ...so scared ...you'd never wake up," she choked out. Wake up? I didn't know how to respond; I continued to stroke her back and hoped it'd calm her down.
"Hey I've only been out a couple of hours," I said and everyone seemed to tense up, even Ace seemed to have stopped breathing.
"Edward...," Emmett started looking worried.
"Could you please spit it out, my head can't take your dramatics today," I snapped.
"Edward, relax," Emmett, said.
"Emmett, let me talk to him," my father said. "Son, you were injured on Saturday...one week ago today."
"A week?" I asked stunned, as Ace clutched me even tighter. "What happened?"
"It's more, what do you remember?" Aro asked me, his face not giving anything away. My head was pounding as I tried to retrace my steps.
"I was on the phone...we had a concert, right?" I asked, everything was muddled. "I drove up and I heard screams...Bella was screaming….that wasn't a dream?"
"No," my father said softy.
I looked at Bella across the room she was leaning against Jake. The bruises, seeing her unconscious, it wasn't a horrible nightmare, but something real. She almost died.
"He was strangling you...Dad was doing the CPR thing…James...,"I looked at my father again; the swift movement caused the room to spin. I had to hold still in order to regain control.
"Son, take your time don't push anything," my father said gently.
"Shit…we fought…he was down…fuck!" I exclaimed, I could see James down but after that I couldn't remember anything. "Last thing I remember was James going down…."
"You remembered more than I expected," my father replied.
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Alec hit you with a bat when you were walking away, I didn't see him until it was too late," Emmett injected looking menacing; I could feel Alice tighten her grip around me. "Jane had me arrested and tried to hit me with a drug charge."
"What did you say?" I asked.
"Jane planned to have drugs planted on me but thankfully their plan was foiled," Emmett said with a smile.
"How?"
"Due to Bella having a minor freak out, she accidentally started recording, gave it to Aro, and the rest as they say, is history," he finished with a satisfied grin. I could see Bella was blushing into Jake's side.
"Thank you," I said to her.
"No thanks necessary, it was my pleasure," she said softly. They filled me in on everything else, the charges, and the Internal Affairs investigation due to Aro calling in some favors. Of course this spurred a media storm and I was told fans and media had been here since I arrived.
My doctor came in to exam me again and I hated him immediately. He had this holier-than-thou attitude, I never trust fuckers like that. He tried to move Alice and I told him to work around her. When he made a remark about her, I exploded. It wasn't everyday you told a man to fuck his own ass with a broomstick but I had to admit, I felt good after the yelling even if it did cause my head to ache further.
By the time Officer Webber arrived to take my statement with an IA officer to ensure proper procedures, I was beyond tired and irritable. Aro was there to make sure the meeting didn't last too long, as much as he got on my nerves with his intense stares and quietness, I was happy he was there to run interference.
My father insisted everyone go home for the evening to help Bella get settled in, when Bella fell asleep on Jake. She was going to be staying with us for a while; at least I knew she'd be safe for the time being.
When they said their goodbyes I was happy to see them go, as much as I loved my family, they drove me nuts. Emmett and Jake's voices seemed to cause my head to vibrate and that wasn't a pleasant feeling. I just needed some time, my mom stayed with me, refilling my water jug, brought me a coke from the machines and she quietly read her magazine. At least she wasn't overly noisy.
***
As I watched my mother gather her things to leave for the evening I suddenly didn't want her to go. I was seized with an unknown fear; like I was 6 years old and didn't want the boogeyman to get me. I craved quiet the whole day and her yammering wore me out but at this moment I just needed her here. I felt like a scared little boy, afraid of the dark, but I'm a grown man, one who shouldn't need his mommy to hold his hand. Emmett could have a field day with these thoughts.
"I can stay if you want," she said, I was so caught up in my head I didn't noticed she was sitting right next to me on the bed.
"I'm ok," I murmured, avoiding her gaze because she read me better than anyone.
"It's ok if you're not."
The unexpected tears started and I couldn't stop; since I woke up nothing felt right. My mother gathered me in her arms, that comfort that I've known my whole existence seemed to wrap around me like a warm blanket and instantly I felt like me again, the 'me' before the music career, even before college. Since the moment I woke up I felt out of place, off centered, not comfortable in my own skin, and as I cling to my mother for dear life I tried to fit myself back into this mold I created that I no longer fit into.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, my head was still on her shoulder.
"Baby why are you sorry?" she inquired, as she wiped my tears away, I noticed she too had tears streaming down her face.
"I've been...,"I started, hoping I could get the thought out. "Moody all day, I don't mean to but everything is just jumbled."
"I didn't take it personally, none of us do," she said quietly.
With my mom I didn't have to put on an act, I didn't have to pretend, and every emotion I tried to deny hit me harder. I felt exposed.
"I just feel emotionally...weird," I said, explaining my emotional state was a challenge since I didn't understand what I felt, other then confusion.
My mother laughed, "Weird? We all get like that some times."
"One minute I'm ok, then I want to hurt someone or I need quiet and now I don't want to be alone," I said.
"Oh baby you just have PMS. Alice, Rose and I deal with this all the time," she said with a giggle. It took me a moment to figure out what she'd said.
"Shit, is this what you feel on a monthly basis? I glad I'm a guy." I felt instantly better.
"Remember that talk we had when Bella came to rest at the house a few weeks ago?" she asked. "I said this is bigger than you?"
"Yeah."
"Well baby, those emotions were already on the surface and I think when you woke up you could no longer hide from them and you can't push them down either."
"There's no point in having these feelings since she's married."
"Sweetie we can't help who we love, just remember, it won't be easy but the end result will be worth it," she said, no matter how hard I tried not to, I continued to love Bella.
"Thanks Mom," I said softly.
"Anytime love," she said with a smile in her voice.
We sat on my bed in a comfortable silence, I know I should tell her to go home but I was selfish and didn't want her to go yet.
"Mom do you think I'm selfish?" I asked breaking the silence. She didn't answer immediately and I began to worry, she'd already called me a douche so maybe I was more selfish than I realized.
"I think you have selfish moments but completely selfish, no. If you were you wouldn't be in this bed. You wouldn't have had that auction to help others like Bella; you wouldn't have been there for Em when his NFL career was over. I think you're more giving than you realize."
I let her words sink in; the images of Bella unconscious form plagued me. I wanted to run my fingers through my hair but my scalp was still tender, even my hair hurt and I wanted to cut it off.
"She's really ok?" I asked, when I saw her earlier she seemed quiet and withdrawn.
"She has a lot of healing to do both emotionally and physically. I know she's scared but she's really trying," my mom said with hope in her voice. "Now it's time for you to sleep young man," she said.
She started to sing "Sweet Child of Mine" softly in my hair, my mom rarely sang, it wasn't that she was the best at it, but it reflected what she sometimes couldn't put into words. I felt loved and safe, exactly why I wanted to come home after the tour, this is what I needed to reshape myself into this new mold. I was no longer going to be in a vacant emotional space, I had to deal with every emotion, no hiding. If my mother could sit here and sing, completely off key but with pure love in her voice just to make me feel better, than I would man up and face the world.
My mother was still singing when my father walked in the room, he didn't say anything as he simply pulled up a chair and sat with us. When my mother was done she held me close and whispered in my ear, "I love you, my sweet child of mine."
"Love you too Mom," I said sleepily looking over to my father "Love you too Dad."
My father grinned at me "Love you too, Son."
"You guys need to go home and rest," I said, after a few minutes, I could barely keep my eyes open.
"You sure? We can stay if you need us," he said.
"No, I'm good. I'll see you guys in the morning," I said my eyes still closed. My mom gave me one last hug and kiss before saying good night. I felt my father's gentle touch; I murmured a good night and let the darkness claim me.
***
I woke up a few hours after my parents left to a nurse taking my blood pressure, before I had a chance to doze off another nurse shakily tried to draw blood.
"Why are you taking blood?" I asked with irritation in my voice.
"Dr. Banner ordered a test that requires blood drawn every few hours," the young nurse explained, her hand was still shaking.
"Do you know what you're doing?" I inquired.
"Yes, of course."
"Just asking 'cause you're shaking, if you need me to do it for you, I have time on my hands, so I can help," I replied dryly.
"No, I can do it," she said softy. "You make me nervous."
"How? You're the one with the needles," I said stunned.
"Because…you're Edward Cullen," she said in an awed voice.
"Yeah, I forgot about that," I said, and I heard her laugh. At least she wasn't shaking anymore.
Once she got past her nervousness she told me she was a newly divorced mom who was planning to move to Port Angeles for a better job and to be closer to her parents. By the time she left she was bold enough to leave her number, before returning to Forks I would have found a way to get in her pants before I left the hospital and still not know her name.
I turned on the television and found reruns of the Golden Girls to pass the time, another nurse came in to take my blood pressure so it was a good thing I was still awake. My dad's favorite nurse, Mable helped me to the bathroom; she couldn't ok a shower until Dr. Banner cleared it. But I was able to brush my teeth and wash my face, I felt instantly better. I was once again thankful for Alice, who packed a bag for me, and I changed into fresh tee shirt.
Now I understood why my dad always requested Mable to work with his patients, she was an absolute Godsend. I wasn't used to being so immobile, so she took me for a walk around the hospital, since it was barely 4 am there were very few people in the halls, no prying eyes. If I got tired we rested against the wall, the woman could talk. We talked; rather she talked about everything from Obama to her tiny home garden.
"With my hours anything too large wouldn't survive," she explained, she didn't need me to participate in the conversation. I was exhausted by the time we got back to my room. Mable told me to rest until my MRI, which was scheduled in a couple of hours. I was so tired I couldn't even cover myself with the blanket; I mumbled my thanks to Mable as she covered me and I drifted into a dreamless sleep.
***
I wanted to be agitated with how many tests Dr. Banner had ordered after my MRI, but I knew it was for precautionary reasons. The orderly, Karl, was wheeling me back to my room and he was also a talker. He was telling me about his band 'Spit Shine', they were country-rap. I personally didn't know there was such a thing as Country-Rap and I thought maybe I should check them out. Yeah, no... I'm going to pass on that one.
I could feel the stares of people around me; unfortunately, I didn't have a hat or sunglasses to help ward off the attention. One of the nurses called out to Karl, I was starting to zone out while he was speaking with her, I could tell she was trying not to stare at me, when I heard the familiar sound of a digital camera and flashes go off. A member of the paparazzi had found his way into the hospital and was snapping away. I stumbled out of my chair trying to get away as Karl lunged at the unwanted photographer, he had the guy in a choke hold as I made my way around the corner, away from the commotion. I barely made it around the corner when the dizziness set in and the room began to spin, I felt the cool wall against my back as I sled down to the floor, I was on the verge of passing out as pandemonium broke out around me.
"Found him," I heard Karl yell.
"Dude must you scream in my ear?" I complained.
"Sorry man, are you alright? Did you hit your head?" he asked, looking me over.
"No, just got up too quickly," I mumbled.
"Shit, heads are about to roll," he said, he nodded to the man in a suit and my father who were jogging towards us.
"Edward are you alright?" my father asked as he examined me.
"Yeah, just dizzy," I said.
"Karl, where were you when this happened? How did they get in?" the suit fired off.
"Hey don't take this shit out on Karl; he was the one who kicked that guy's ass. If you want to blame someone it's your lame ass security team who allows anyone with a precious insurance card into the building," I said angrily, it seemed to help with the dizziness and the unrelenting headache.
"Edward calm down," my father said trying to calm me as he helped me off the floor.
"I'll try," I said. "When can I go home?"
"We'll talk to Dr. Banner," he replied.
***
I was finally going home and I couldn't be happier. I was going absolutely stir crazy when Dr. Banner finally discharged me two days later. The paparazzi break seemed to fuel the media, because I was told the media vans had grown. To my mother's dismay she had to have gates put around the property in order to keep the wondering photographers out.
Mable was giving me my final home instructions when my parent's arrived. I was already dressed in my once fitted jeans, but now loose due to the unintended weight loss and a short sleeve V neck tee shirt. Leah had come over earlier to help me arrange my hair and to cover the shaved area in the back, like every thing else, the beanie seemed to irritate me.
"Just wear the beanie till you get to the car," she argued after I cringed from her touching my hair.
"Do you not get it, that thing fucking makes me itch? And I can't scratch back there," I complained. "Even my hair hurts; I just want to shave it all off!"
"Oh, don't you dare give me attitude, I will kick your ass Quileute style if you keep it up," she said testily, and knowing Leah she meant it.
"Why do I have an image of you in a dominatrix outfit," I said with a purr.
"If Jake heard you say that he'd kick your ass," she warned.
"Or, I can plant the idea in his head and next thing you know you'll be at the local Pleasure Chest buying riding crops," I said wickedly.
"You have a dirty mind."
"You just caught on to that? Wow Leah, I thought you were more observant," I said dryly, the only one I could imagine naked right now was Bella.
"I see more than you realize, who do you think clued Jake in on you and Bella back in the day? He thought I was insane, but then he caught you kissing and let's say he was not a happy camper," she said. I stared at Leah in stunned silence, here I thought I was this amazing actor but the reality was, my people saw through my cracks.
I was lost in thought when I donned on my checkered blue, black and white pea-coat, Alice packed for me and flipped the wide lapel which was the added touch I needed after Leah's finished my hair.
When my favorite orderly arrived with the wheel chair I tried to resist, but by law they had to wheel me down to the door. I argued but came to a compromise by being allowed to walk once we get off the elevator, I had no desire to be photographed again in the fucking wheelchair. I decided to forego wearing my Raybans; I was mentally preparing myself as we got into the elevator. As we approached I could see the flashes already going off.
Alice and Leah lead the pack to the waiting tinted SUV's, followed by Jasper, and my parents; I had Jake and Emmett on either side of me to help ward off any pushy photographers. Sam and few other guys from La Push coordinated with Demitri, Aro's head of security to surrounded us, it didn't make the trek to the waiting Suburban any easier. My head started to pound, I felt as if I was suffocating even though we were outside, and there was a camera in every direction I looked. I put my hands up to the cameras that were so close I could feel them touch me, Emmett and Jake yelling at the photographers to step back. Questions were hurled at me so quickly I became dizzy.
"You ok?" Emmett asked.
"Just get me to the truck," I mumbled, I could feel the nausea rise and knew I only had a few moments before I lost what little food I had in my stomach.
By the time I was sitting between my mother and father in the back of the Suburban I couldn't hold it anymore, I threw up into the bucket the hospital had provided me, thankfully my father thought ahead for this. What should have been a 15 minute drive took almost an hour, most of that hour was spent trying to get out of the parking lot and I proceeded to throw up 3 times before we approached my family's home.
"Calm down honey, we're almost home," my mother murmured to me, when I felt a panic attack hit me, throwing up was not a pleasant experience.
With Emmett at the wheel he took a back entrance to the house, it was a rarely used passage, which was now gated; I dizzily watched Emmett enter a code and proceeded to drive into the garage. As I stepped through the door that connected the house, I felt instantly better. Everything looked the same, but brand-new.
"Let's get you upstairs," my father said, he and Emmett patiently walked me up; they were both there in case I got too dizzy to continue the climb.
"You know it would be easier if I carried you," Emmett said after a while.
"Fuck you."
"Boys," my father said softly, he was always scolding us like that and I had to smile.
Alice and my mom were already in my room ready to help me get cleaned up. I tried to tell them I was fine, but as I tried to go to the bathroom on my own I got dizzy, if my father hadn't been there with his quick reflects I would have ended up on the floor. Once in the bathroom I quickly brushed my teeth and changed into the sweats that were laid out for me on sink. When I reentered my bedroom Jasper was putting on a movie, everyone congregated in my room, well everyone except Rosalie and Bella. I wondered where they were, but I was too tired to ask and had a feeling I would snap if their explanation took too long. I took a sip of the ginger ale my mom left by my bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
***
When the TV suddenly snapped off I was instantly awake, I knew I was forming a bad habit in the hospital by sleeping with it on, but I wasn't ready deal with this problem just yet.
"Leave it on," I mumbled, with my eyes still closed.
"Sorry, I thought it was disturbing you," I heard Bella say and my eyes snapped open. She was fumbling with the remotes.
"Don't worry about it," I said, I hadn't seen her since she checked out of the hospital a few days ago. "How are you feeling?"
"Hey that's my line," she said with a smile, still at the foot of my bed. "But to answer your question, I'm ok."
"Good," I said. With the moonlight lighting the room, her bruises were not that visible. I started to sit up but was hit with a wave of dizziness; they warned me this could be a possible side effect. Bella was instantly by my side.
"Be careful," she murmured, wincing as she sat on the bed trying to hold me steady.
"Aren't we a pair?"
"Yeah, we're pretty fucked up," she said softly, I just grinned at her. "Are you hungry? You missed dinner."
"No with this dizziness I'm liable to throw it back up."
"I heard leaving the hospital was tough for you," she said.
"The fucking cameras were everywhere and I just started to feel shitty all of a sudden. My goal was to just get home."
"Yeah, they've been non-stop all week," she said. I understood the press had a job to do but seriously, what's the point of taking pictures of someone who's just leaving the hospital.
"Was it bad for you?" I asked, I didn't remember anyone saying if the media had bombarded her too badly.
"Well not as bad as it was for you, but still pretty bad. That's not a good thing when all you want to do is hide." Even right now she was hiding behind her hair; she'd been doing it so much it was like her shield.
"Where were you today? I didn't see you when I got in," I inquired after a few minutes, I turned on my side to face her. Bella sat timidly on the edge of the bed, looking down at me.
"Oh, Rosalie took me to Emmett's dentist to get implants for my missing teeth," she explained.
"You had missing teeth?"
"Yeah...James didn't hold back," she said so softly I could barely hear her. I felt my rage flare up again, I just needed another 5 minutes with that fucker. I closed my eyes and took a few calming breathes but it didn't really do anything other than make me dizzier, which in turn made me angrier. When I felt Bella's hands on my face, I realized she crawled into the bed with me, lying on her side to face me. We were in this same position a few weeks ago, when she was recuperating.
"I need to know something? Will you answer honestly?" I asked.
"Ask me anything."
"Are you going back?" I tried to search for answers in her eyes, for answers in the limited light.
"I have no plans to go back," she said cryptically.
"What does that mean? You might change your mind?"
"As long as I don't give into the fear, and listen to that nagging voice in my head telling me to go back before something worse could happen."
"Well tell it to shut the fuck up," I said, she smiled and chuckled lightly.
"I'm trying too, believe me."
"If the voices get too loud, let me know, I will have a little talk with them and tell them to leave you alone," I told her, she mumbled a weak ass ok. "I'm serious Bella, if you get scared, talk to me, I'm there for you."
She didn't say anything and I became frightened that she was giving into the fear and was afraid to tell me, it wasn't until I heard her sniffle that I realized she was crying.
"Baby don't cry, please," I pleaded, I scooted closer to her, knowing she couldn't move too much, when I was closer I gathered her into my arms. I allowed myself to be truthful with how that made me feel and it felt right, especially when her arms were wrapped around my waist.
"Thank you," she murmured into my chest, I kissed the top of her head, as my fingers threaded through the soft waves.
"Anytime Bella, now just relax," I whispered, her presence relaxed me and I was dozing off when I felt her scooting out of the bed about to leave.
"Where are you going?" I asked in a pouty voice, I wasn't a pleasant person when someone woke me up.
"I'm going back to my room, go back to sleep," she whispered back.
"I'm not going to sleep well now…..stay," I said with my hand out stretched.
"Edward that's not a good idea," she said, she looked so sad.
"Why? What are we doing wrong?" When she didn't answer I stretched out my hand again, after a few seconds she took my hand and carefully got back into bed.
"I would never push you to do something you didn't want. I just need to hold you tonight…as a reminder, that you're really ok," I explained, as I wrapped her in my arms, softly singing 'Chasing Cars' in her ear, till we both fell asleep tangled in each other's arms, and for the first time since I woke up from my coma, I slept peacefully, with My Bella.
***
I'd been standing outside the door for about five minutes; I knew it was too early for anyone to be awake but I could no longer sleep. I tapped on the door three times. It suddenly opened with a very angry Alice, throwing sleepy daggers at me.
"Someone better be having a relapse for you to be at my door at 4 o'clock in the damn morning Edward," she seethed; people thought I was a grouch but Alice was rightfully angry.
"I need to talk to Jazz." I said, as Jasper made an appearance behind Alice, looking even pisser than Alice.
"This better be good," was all he said, his Texan drawl very pronounced.
"Could you meet me in the music room?"
"Now?"
"Yeah, it's important," I said and walked carefully down the stairs to the music room. I barely turned on the lights when Jasper came into the room. He went straight to the mini fridge and pulled out two bottles of orange juice.
"What's so fucking important it couldn't wait till the sun came up," he said as he handed me a bottle. I took the juice and handed him the sheet of paper I'd been guarding for the last twenty minutes. Jasper read the words I written, words I hadn't been able to write in quite some time.
"When did you write this?"
"Twenty minutes before I showed up at your door," I said. Jasper seemed to be memorizing the lyrics, they were rough but they were a start. He went for his guitar, trying to put a melody to the words.
"Piano," I said.
"You hear the melody, don't you? Not just the lyrics," he gleefully inquired.
"Yeah."
"Fuck man, can you play it? Or will it hurt your head?"
"It sounds one way in my head maybe it won't translate that's why I needed you here." I was suddenly nervous, my writing had suffered a lot recently, everything I written felt forced, it was the reason why I'd asked Jasper to help write the new CD.
I started playing the melody in my head but it didn't translate very well, as I feared but Jasper reminded me to take my time and let it flow. I took a deep breathe and played the new melody that woke me up, it was a slower tempo than I was used to, but the pace of the song went from mid- slow very quickly.
I want it all…..
I want it now….
I have be a little patient
I have to make it some how…
I was lost in my own world
I didn't know how much I hurt
Till the day I let go
Allowed the feelings flow…
And now I understand
I'm a little messed up
But I will be ok
I'm trying to find balance in this world
And in me
But the only thing is
I want it all…
I want it now …
I just have to be a little patient
I have to make it some how…
Until you realize
You love me.
I'm standing here staring at the beach
Before me
Asking you to try to love me
I just lost a bit of my dignity
But that don't bother me
Just as long as you freely
Say you love me.
I want it all…
I want it now.
I have be a little patient
I have to make it some how…
Cause I want it all
I want it all
"Have you told her?" Jasper asked when i ended the song.
"No, would you?"
"I would have 4 years ago," he said lazily.
"Yes, I know that Jasper! You told me back then to talk to her and I, being the fucktard I am, didn't listen to you," I exploded my head hurting but I didn't care.
"I wasn't saying I told you so, I'm just not someone who can bottle up how I feel when it comes to someone I love, I always took the risks. Would I tell her right now? No," he said patiently. "Let her get divorced first, and then she can decide what's best for her. Right now…she's scared of her own shadow; if she wants to be with you she has to be the one to decide that."
"What if she doesn't pick me," I asked shakily.
"That my friend is one of the risks you take when it comes to love."
Everything Jasper said made sense, I had to have patience of a saint and that was something I'd never been good at. I'd gotten everything I set my mind to, a great career, more money than I knew what to do with, real friends despite the fact I was in a business where selling out your friends was the norm, but love never worked out for me. Or I should say I never worked at it.
Jasper and I went back up stairs, he returned to the room he shared with Alice and I went back to my room. Bella was still asleep; I crawled in beside her and held her close. As she slept I memorized the shape of her lips, every eyelash and every freckle because for all I knew this could be the last time I'd be allowed to hold her so freely. My heart hurt with the knowledge, but if this was all I was to be allowed then I would embrace it and hold on to it.
Thank you for reading!
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xoxo,
Tammy