Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but if I did would have a beach house in Hawaii.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!
A very special THANK YOU to my betas Lilkel and ilsucantante, who saved me!! Thank you ladies for help!
Sorry for the delay but RL got in the way! I would love to say more but my family likes to distrubed me.
xoxo, Tammy
Clumsy
-Fergie
Can't breath
When you touch my sleeve
But I fly so crazy, mm mm
Whoa now, think I'm goin' down
Friends don't know whats with me, mm mm
You got me trippin'(oh),
stumblin'(oh), flippin'(oh),
fumblin'(so)
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love(in love)
You got me slippin'(oh),
tumblin'(oh),
sinkin'(oh),
crumblin'(so)
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love(in love)
So in love with you
"Because, Isabella, I love you."
I felt my jaw drop.
Did he say what I think he just said?
I literally couldn't breathe; less than five minutes ago I had wanted to kill him. I didn't know how to respond, this wasn't like last time when I thought he was using me, but this was….real?
"Don't say anything….not yet," he said suddenly. "I didn't tell you to pressure you, to make you feel obligated, I said it because it's what I feel. Plus, you asked and I was being honest."
I laughed shakily. "You weren't kidding about this whole honesty thing, huh?"
He smirked. "No, I wasn't lying."
I looked at him in awe. "How? How can you love someone…like me?" I asked, I truly didn't understand.
"What do you mean 'someone like you'?" He looked at me with a frown.
"How could you…I'm…broken, Edward. How could you love me? You deserve someone…whole." I could barely get the words out.
He didn't say anything as he cupped my face; he just stared at me, his intense gaze holding mine.
"You're right, you are broken," he said quietly, as if it had just dawned on him. "But I love every broken piece of you." He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, I closed my eyes relishing the closeness. As I felt his lips kiss each eye lid the black abyss I seemed to be drowning in started to evaporate.
He placed kisses down my jaw; my hands grabbed his shirt, bunching it at his trim hips and drawing him closer to me. His lips met mine, they were soft and gentle, not demanding; almost hesitant. I felt something I hadn't felt in years….desire. In my need to get closer I stood on my tippy toes, becoming more aggressive with my need.
He broke contact for a moment, our breathing labored, I grabbed his face and kissed him with all I had, there was no hesitation when our tongues met, we were dueling for dominance and I wasn't ready to submit. I needed him to feel what was coursing through my veins, all the emotions I held inside flowing to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck to bring him closer, he lifted me off the ground and I snaked my legs around his waist. My body hummed with anticipation, feeling his hands on my butt was an additional jolt to my system. My fingers tangled in his soft hair, but it wasn't until my fingers touched the scar he received from the blow to the head that I broke the kiss.
"Are you okay?" he asked, I could still see the desire in his eyes as well as the concern for my well being.
"Yah….sorry I…um…lost control," I stammered. Lost control? More like tried to eat him alive.
"Don't apologize," he said smirking at me. I was very much aware my legs were still wrapped around him, but neither one of us made a move to change our positions. He was staring at my lips when I leaned in for another kiss; I knew I was being greedy, but kissing Edward was better than Pecan Praline ice cream and chocolate sauce.
When we finally came up for air, I looked around to see the sun was finally setting. "The sun went down ...when did that happen?"
He laughed and he set me back on the ground. "Hell if I know, I was happily engaged."
"I better get inside to start dinner," I said reluctantly.
"You know you don't have to cook, right?"
"I know, but I like to cook. It calms me," I admitted.
I heard him sigh as he nodded in understanding; he put his arm around me and guided me back to the house, but stopped me from walking further before we arrived at the back door.
"When you get a chance talk to Ace," he said in a low, serious voice.
"About what?"
"She's worried she's said or has done something to offend you."
"Edward, I don't think I can talk to her about the policies."
"You don't have to, but….you've been distant lately. She's just worried about you."
"Okay I'll talk to her," I assured him. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, the last thing I wanted to do was rehash my own stupidity.
"Stop." I looked up at him in confusion. "Don't beat yourself up about the policies," he said as he caressed my cheek.
"Easier said than done." I went straight to the kitchen when we entered the house. I'd premade the enchiladas that morning, all I had to do was put them in the oven and start the jalapeno poppers and mini quesadilla I had planned for appetizers. I was chopping onions when Edward walked back into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, watching me.
"Need any help?" he asked.
"Yeah, you can start on the tomatoes." I was suddenly nervous, I didn't know how to act around him, part of me wanted to keep my distance and another part of me wanted him to take me on the kitchen table.
"So what are we making?" he asked after few minutes of silence, startling me out of my fantasies.
"We're making fresh salsa right now."
"And what's in the fryer?"
"Jalapeno poppers."
"You're making Mexican food?" he asked excitedly.
"Yeah, I heard Rose and Jasper talk about how they were craving it."
"Where did you learn how to make this kind of food?" There were no authentic Mexican food restaurants in Forks, the closest was in Port Angeles and even that wasn't very good.
"Jake's cousin from Phoenix visited about 2 years ago and taught me some recipes."
"So you make this a lot?"
"No, not often….Um….Jam-…he didn't like spicy foods." James was a steak and potatoes kind of guy, if I added too many spices there was hell to pay. If I wanted to try new recipes, Jake was my guinea pig.
"I'm sure it will be good," he said, coming up behind me and placing a kiss on my neck. I couldn't wipe away the small grin that instantly appeared on my face. I turned to him as he placed his arms on either side of me and leaned in to give me another kiss. The world seemed to disappear when I was with him, as if 'we' were the only thing that mattered. And I didn't want anything to interrupt that bubble, it was one of the reasons I was partially afraid of Edward's idea of being completely honest; it would require me to discuss my marriage - something I'd rather forget.
"We better stop before we burn dinner," I said when the kissed ended. Edward agreed but he looked as if he wanted to kiss me again.
Once everything was done cooking, I plated the poppers and quesadillas and put them on the table along with a bottle of Riesling. It would keep them going until the enchiladas were done, while I finished the rest of the meal, jalapeno refried beans, Spanish rice, and corn tortillas.
"Isabella Marie Swan, please tell me you're not cooking again!" Esme yelled when she walked into the kitchen. I could feel the blush starting to rise when I faced Esme who looked at me with her hands on her hips. She'd told me repeatedly over the last few weeks that I was not on kitchen patrol, but it made me feel less like a freeloader.
"Sorry, Esme," I said as I handed her a glass of Riesling. She gave me a small smile and took a sip.
"Told you," Edward whispered. I wanted to stick out my tongue at him, but I remembered I was almost 25 and stopped myself.
"Ahhh, that's what I needed," she said as she took a sip of the sparkling wine. "Okay, you're forgiven." Jasper, Rose, Emmett and Alice came into the kitchen as I put the finishing touches on the homemade salsa. I was starting on the guacamole when someone placed a kiss on a sloppy kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you!!! Jazz and I were just talking about this the other day!!" Rosalie exclaimed. It was rare to see her animated, kind of reminded me of Alice.
"Glad you're enjoying it," I said with a grin, as I looked around, they all seemed to be enjoying the food which made me feel much better.
"I think we need some margaritas," Alice said.
"Yes, dear god please!" Esme agreed.
"Did you have a tough day, Mom?" Edward asked.
Esme let out a frustrated scream. "I can't wait to be done with this client. This job should have taken two months tops, but she's changed her mind once again which could extend it another month. And you know I hate working around this time of the year," she fumed as her cell phone went off.
Alice and Emmett were arguing over which tequila to use for the margaritas when Esme finished her phone call. "Carlisle has to work late tonight," she said and I saw a hint of a pout on her lips.
"I'll save him a plate." I remembered how my dad would sometimes miss dinner; he knew to go straight to the oven to find his meal. Most of the time he'd just save it for lunch, but on those rare evenings he was unable to grab something while he was out, he knew dinner was waiting for him.
"Thank you Bella! I'll grab a few quesadillas for him too." After I put Carlisle's plate away I served dinner, and for the first time in a week I participated in conversations around me. Edward would catch my eye occasionally, sending me a wink or a smirk. "I almost forgot! Carlisle said both Bella and Edward have checkups tomorrow at the hospital. Edward your appointment with Banner is for 12:30 pm and Bella's your appointment is for 10 am."
"We can't get them at the same time?" Edward asked.
"No, he tried but Banner wouldn't budge on the time. Carlisle tried to rearrange his appointments, but this was the best he could do."
"Actually, it's perfect!" Alice said with a smile. "After we're done we can go to Port Angeles to get a few more items." I tried to smile but after our last shopping excursion, I was dreading it. Unfortunately, Alice saw my grimace and her smiled dimmed a little, she turned away from me so I couldn't see her face and I felt like utter crap. Edward was right, I did need to talk to her.
After dinner Esme could barely keep her eyes open, she turned in after some urging from Edward. Rose and Jasper helped me clean the kitchen, they had me laughing with tales of their summers in Texas, and with their help it took less than twenty minutes to wash and put away the dishes while everyone else congregated in the game room with another pitcher of margaritas.
"Where's Alice?" I asked when I noticed Alice wasn't in the room.
"I think she went to go work out," Emmett said distractedly as he set up the xBox.
"Ace works out?" I asked.
"Usually with Emmett, but will work out on her own when she's upset," Jasper said, looking concerned. "I better go talk to her."
"No," I said stopping him. "I'll go."
I found Alice in the gym that looked more like a dance studio with the wall to wall mirrors; the boxing equipment and exercise mats were located in the corner. Kevin Rudolph's 'Let it Rock' was blasting thought the speakers, Alice stood in front of the mirrors moving her body to the beat, creating intricate, smooth moves that kept you mesmerized, she was as graceful as a gazelle. With each move I realized Alice was more talented than she led on, her dancing was impressive even to someone like Britney Spears. I stepped further into the room when the song ended; Alice was guzzling a bottle of water and hadn't acknowledged my arrival.
"Nice moves."
"Thanks." She kept her back to me; with her hoodie up and her head down, I couldn't see her face.
I leaned against the barre. "Can we talk?" She didn't respond verbally, the only indication she heard me was when she turned off the music with the remote control then sat on the floor drinking her water. I crouched down so I could see her face. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings at dinner."
"Just for tonight? Bella, I don't know what I've done to warrant the silent treatment."
"I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings; I just had…a lot on my mind."
"Just because I've never dealt with what you're going through doesn't mean I'm unable to understand."
"Alice…it's not that I didn't think you could understand, it's just I…I just…I'm humiliated." She looked at me in confusion; I realized I had no choice but to tell her about what Aro uncovered. By the time I was done, Alice was curled up next to me, our hands linked as she stared at me in disbelief.
"You've got be fucking kidding! How the hell did they get away with that?"
"I've been asking myself the same thing."
"Let Aro deal with it, ok? Remember, you were just a kid and didn't know you couldn't trust your own guardians. You have nothing to be ashamed of." She hugged me again, reminding me of when she came to the house after our first outing, offering reassurance. Alice never failed to amaze me.
"I'm sorry I went silent, I'm just used to internalizing everything."
"Silence doesn't make it go away, plus how can we help you if you keep it inside?"
"You're right. I'll do better, I promise," I said. Alice gave me another squeeze and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
"So are you going to tell me why Edward was kissing on your neck in the kitchen?" she asked quietly.
I could feel the blush hit my face. "You saw that?"
She giggled, "Yeah, I came in to see if you needed help with dinner but Edward beat me to it, and I saw him kiss your neck. So when did this happen?"
"When we went for our walk after the movie," I said. I then told her about Edward wanting to us get know each other again, basically learning to try to trust one another, and ultimately, I told her of his declaration.
She clutched my arms. "And what did you say?" she asked with wide excited eyes.
"Nothing."
"Whoa! Wait, let me get this straight…my brother, Mr. Fuck'em & Leave'em, told you he loves you and you say NOTHING?" With each word Alice's voice took on a high pitch screech.
"I didn't know what to say, part of me was freaking out because I kept thinking he shouldn't love me."
"Shouldn't love you? Bella, are you insane?"
"Sometimes I feel….toxic, like I'm not good enough. And then he said not to say anything which should have taken the pressure off, but in reality I'm even more freaked out. Ace, I wanted to scream I love him too….but instead, we kissed."
"You're not toxic; you're a beautiful loving woman who is getting out of a bad situation. Got it?" Her words brought tears to my eyes. "So, how was the kiss?" she asked with a devious grin.
"Toe curling amazing."
She sighed. "Who knew my brother had it in him? Tell him how you feel, Bells."
"You're right, you're right," I said. "How did you get so wise?"
She shrugged. "Oprah," she said with a grin, giving me another hug.
We returned to the game room where Rosalie and Edward were in the midst of a Halo2 battle. They all took turns playing each other, though I didn't since I was unfamiliar with the game. Edward eventually came over to sit with me; I didn't scoot away like I usually did. Jasper brought out the tequila for shots; I hadn't taken any pain medication in days so I didn't feel guilty about drinking the alcohol. Leaning into Edward's embrace, I realized I had finally found contentment for the first time since Aro informed me about the policies.
Around two am we called it a night. I was usually in bed by midnight, so I was tired when Edward walked me to my room and left after giving me quick good night kiss on the lips, giving me a sudden burst of energy. Rose, Esme and Alice often said a hot bath with candles was the best way to relax, and since they'd never steered me wrong I decided to indulge since sleep seemed to evade me.
Alice stocked my bathroom with all sorts of happy girly things; I found the candles easily enough, along with Lavender scented bubble bath and bath salts. When I submerged myself in the tub I relished in the floral scent. I usually associated baths with aches due to the beatings from James. This was the first time I had taken a bath that I actually enjoyed. When I started to doze off I knew it was time to get out, I used the lavender body cream and slipped on a pair of Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a long sleeve red knit shirt with the Hello Kitty emblem.
When I opened my bathroom door I was stunned to find Edward asleep on my bed with his arm across his face as if to block out the light. As if sensing me, he lifted his head and grinned.
"Love the pajamas," he said.
"Hey, no mocking the Hello Kitty," I said, still standing in the bathroom doorway.
"I would never do that," he said sitting up, blinking rapidly for a few seconds, his eyes out of focus. He closed his eyes for a few seconds before reopening them. "Why are you still standing over there?"
"Are you ok?" I asked as I approached him.
He shrugged. "Yeah, sometimes I just get dizzy when I wake up."
I stepped in between his legs when I approached the bed, his hands came to my hips as I ran my fingers gently through his hair. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, I'd do it again," he said softly. That's what I was afraid of; I wanted him to be safe. He looked up at me as I caressed his cheek, his green eyes darkening. As I leaned over and pressed my lips to his, I felt my heart began to accelerate; he pulled me closer to a point where I had to straddle his lap.
Even though his grip was like steel it didn't frighten me, it only made me feel more alive. Edward's arousal was evident as he flipped me on the bed and laid on top of me, his hand crept under my shirt but he didn't go higher than my ribs, and I whimpered when he pulled away. He was staring at me when I opened my eyes, and I noticed his hair was worst than usual due to running my fingers through it.
"Wow." I know I sounded like a 16 year old idiot but that was the best way to describe his kisses.
He looked at my through hooded eyes. "I don't think 'wow' covers it," he said against my lips. "I missed your lips. Honestly, I just missed you."
Again I was rendered speechless. "Edward, I missed you too." It was the truth, I had missed him. He made me laugh, he listened when I was in pain and always made me feel special. And even though I was the one that had truly caused him pain, he loved me anyway. With his hands in my hair, he pulled me in closer for another kiss. This kiss held meaning, it felt like a promise.
"Come on, let's get you to bed," he said as he slid off the bed.
I didn't move, still trying to comprehend the last twenty minutes. Edward was on the other side of the bed trying to pull back the covers, but I still didn't move. He playfully threw a pillow on me, but I refused to budge and feigned sleep with a fake snore. I felt the bed shift and looked up the see Edward coming toward me.
"Remember Spiderman 1?" he asked with a grin.
"Yeah, are you Peter Parker?"
"Yeah…kinda," he said with a shy grin. I'd never seen Edward looking…shy or bashful, and it was the most adorable sight. He leaned over and kissed me, suckling my bottom lip. I smiled, suspecting it was his favorite thing to do, and as his tongue eased into my mouth, and met mine, I felt the pent up desire hit me all over again. Or was it ever really gone?
"Ready for bed, Mary Jane?" Edward's voice was husky.
"Yeah, I think so." He pulled down the covers so I could get underneath. I expected Edward to join me, but he tucked me in and laid on top of the covers. "You're not joining me?"
"No….I don't think that's a good idea."
"We've slept in the same bed before," I reminded him.
"Bella, if I get under those covers I won't be responsible for my actions."
"And you don't think I will stop you if you got too….fresh?"
"Fresh? When did you become Blanche from the Golden Girls?" he asked with a chuckle.
"You're so lucky you tucked me in so tight I can't move, otherwise I would throw a pillow at you. Now explain why you think you will lose control of your actions?"
"You may think you're all in control but I can tell…you want me," he said with that famous smirk, I had to look away before I got all gushy and gooey.
"Whatever, Cullen."
"Bella, look at me," he softly commanded. "Believe it or not I have rules, and I don't have sex with married women." Ouch.
"Don't worry, your virtue is safe with me. I wouldn't want you to think I was some crazy house wife and you were the pool boy."
"Bells…Jesus, will you stop! That's not what I meant."
"Edward, I got it, you don't want some desperate, beaten down, lonely house wife all over you. I got it. Now, will you leave so I can get some rest?"
I put the pillow over my head as I waited for him to go, I was tired of being humiliated at every turn. Shouldn't one have to ask for sex before they're denied?
Edward lifted the pillow from my head, but instead of looking at him, I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew it was a childish move, but I couldn't look at him.
"Bells, I've never viewed you or could view you as a desperate house wife who chases the local pool boy. I don't want to make love until you're officially divorced. When we make love, I want you free when you come to my bed. I don't want…James in our bed; I don't want a divorce looming over us. I want it to be you and me, but most of all I want you to be sure it's where you want to be. Just like I asked you not to respond to me telling you that I loved you. I want you to say it when you're ready, just as I want you in my bed when you're ready. I don't want to fuck you; I want to make love to you."
The tears flowed freely as I caressed his jaw. "I'm sorry I was a brat. You didn't deserve that."
"I can see how you would think I was being a conceited asshole, but I really do have your best interest at heart."
"I know. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now get some sleep, you have your check up in the morning," he said, gathering me in his arms. He started to hum, it was oddly familiar but I couldn't place it. I could feel myself falling asleep but curiosity got the best of me.
"What's the name of that song?"
"No title yet….it's the tune I was working on when I first returned home."
I remembered instantly hearing him play it on the beach and then again in Jake's den.
"You finished it?" I asked excitedly.
"Yeah, I followed your advice and it flowed."
"That's great, Edward."
"Thank you. Now close your eyes," he said and started humming again. I felt his lips kiss my hair as I snuggled closer to him. When I woke up that morning I didn't think the day would end with me in Edward's arms, the place I longed to be. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
****
I was getting antsy as I waited for Dr. Cullen to return to continue our discussion about my treatment, thankfully we never had these talks at the house, as if he knew I didn't want to taint his home any further with my issues. I looked at all the degrees on the wall, and as usual. I felt envious of Carlisle's schooling at Harvard Medical. He could have ended up anywhere, but he said Forks was the kind of place he wanted to raise his kids.
There weren't a lot of pictures on display, but the few there showed Edward and his siblings at different ages. The most current looked to be taken when they were on tour, my eyes gravitated to Edward's face; he looked tired but happy as he stood between his parents, Emmett crouched in front and Alice standing next to Em, both grinning like little kids, truly a beautiful family.
I returned the frame to the desk when I saw a picture peeking out of my medical file. I hated those pictures because they were the timeline of abuse I suffered from James. I opened the folder to get a better view of the photo, only to discover several more that came a loose from the clip.
The first picture I picked up was from my fourth visit to the ER, it was one of the few times he actually hit my face, the entire left side was red from bruising, my left eye swollen shut, and my bottom lip was spilt from when it had connected with James' fist. The other times I came in I lied, telling the staff I slammed the door on my hand, I fell off the attic ladder, I tripped over a rock while hiking, anything so they'd never realize it was my husband.
But that night there was no way to deny what was happening between my husband and me. It was when the first of the whispers started, which made James look bad, so instead of my face it was my body he attacked. I spread all the pictures out on the floor, my timeline in hell, the shame and embarrassment but most of all the fear. How could Edward love this?
"Isabella?" I turned to see Dr. Cullen crouched beside me with a worried expression, I blinked several times to stop the tears, but there was no stopping them.
"I tried so hard to be…good…but I always did something to set him off. I didn't know how to stop it, going to the hospital was always the last resort. It angered him whenever I came in, I tried to tell people I was clumsy….I sometimes thought I was so clever….but you knew from the beginning. No matter what stupid lie I tried to spout, you knew," I said, indicating the pictures he'd taken.
I could feel my throat closing in on me, I felt as if I was choking on a golf ball. I could barely breathe as I stared at the pictures, I wanted to look away but it wasn't possible. I could feel my body shaking when I finally closed my eyes, but the images I tried to run from were forever ingrained in my head. I heard this noise that sounded like a large cat in pain, I realized it was me. The pain was deep in my gut; I clutched my stomach afraid I would vomit all over floor.
"Breathe with me Bella, come on, in and out," Dr. Cullen said as he talked me through the breathing exercise. I don't know how long we sat there on the floor; I had my arms wrapped around my legs as I tried to compose myself.
"I thought being away from….the situation, it wouldn't hurt as much…but then I remember something and it's like I'm back in that moment and I can't escape."
"It's ok Bella, you're safe now."
I knew this, but it never failed - there were days when I felt like I was still there, someone could say something or I could hear a noise and my heart would start to race. And the nightmares were never ending; they happened so often it was rare for me not to have one.
"Do you know what PTSD is?" he asked.
"No…it sounds familiar but not sure where I've heard it," I admitted, I was wracking my brain trying to remember where I'd heard the term.
"It stands for post traumatic stress disorder." I suddenly remembered watching a 20/20 special on the effects the war has on the men and women who return from their tours.
"Isn't that something that affects soldiers?"
"Generally, yes."
"But I've never been in the military so what does this have to do with me?"
"Like I said, PTSD is generally associated with the effects of the war on soldiers but it's also a term used for someone who's suffered a traumatic experience or….abuse," he explained quietly.
"Sorry that's insane, two different situations."
He shook his head. "No, Bella, if you think about it, it's very similar. A soldier's main goal is to survive as he takes out the enemy, always protecting himself and his squad. You're like that soldier, every day you had to protect yourself and Jake was your squad member, so you protected him. Basically every day with James was like taking a bullet for Jake. You may not have been in Iraq but you were still at war….only it was in your own home. Now you're dealing with the side effects."
When Jake and I briefly stopped speaking to each other James had loved it, he felt like the fucking king of the world. I was trying to get the courage to leave and as if James had been aware of the change, he'd stuck a copy of Jake's mug shot next to my bed. My reminder of what he'd do to Jake if I tried to leave.
"I think you need to talk to someone about this," Dr. Cullen said, breaking into my thoughts. The ball in my throat wouldn't allow me to speak so I shook my head. "You can't keep this inside you, Alice and Edward can only help so much. You need to speak with a professional."
This wasn't the first time he'd suggested I speak with someone, but before I had been too afraid of what James would do if I sought counseling. I knew he was right; I just had no desire to talk to someone who would eventually sell my information to Jane. I didn't want people in this town to know more than they already did.
"Not here….once I'm settled somewhere other than Washington I will look for someone. I promise, I just can't trust anyone to help me here."
"Ok," he replied quietly, he didn't say anything for a few minutes as he allowed me time to compose myself. "Would you like to continue?"
"Yeah, let's get this show on the road," I said as I wiped my tears. Carlisle, already on his feet, offered me a hand and pulled me up from the floor. As I settled in the chair in front of his desk I saw him gather the photos I had removed from my file. "Damn. Sorry, Dr. Cullen, let me get that."
"Sit, I've got them," he said as he put them in a neat stack and took a seat behind his desk. He gave me a progress report saying I was healing nicely but to still take it easy. "I'm worried about your weight; it seems you've lost weight since you were in the hospital, which could cause problems in the long run."
"I eat," I started to protest.
"Lately you've barely finish your meals." Crap, he noticed! "Just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I haven't noticed."
"I…I just haven't been hungry lately," I said lamely.
"Bella, you have broken bones, if you're not getting the proper nutrition you can delay the healing process. Yes, you're doing well at the moment but who knows how long that will last," he said sternly. "Stop trying to take care of us and take care of yourself. I want you to rest as much as possible."
"Esme complained about me cooking again?"
"She's worried, just as I am," he admitted sincerely. "Don't think we don't appreciate it – we do, but we rather see you healthy. Okay?"
"I just wanted to help." I started to get choked up as the tears began to flow again, I tried wiping them away but it seemed like I was on overload today. Dr. Cullen came from around his desk and handed me a box of tissues.
"I understand, Bella, but first help yourself." I couldn't speak, I could only nod. Thankfully his nurse buzzed the office indicating his next patient was ready. I gathered my bag, stuffing it with the PTSD pamphlets Dr. Cullen handed me. "I'll see you at home, Bella. Try to relax today."
I had to chuckle. "Relax? I'm going shopping with Alice. Sorry, that's far from relaxing."
"Very true. I'll warn her to go easy on you," he said.
"No, it's okay, her heart is in the right place." I said my good-byes, I noticed his next patient did a double take when she saw me; I walked as quickly as possible to the outer office where Rose and Alice were waiting.
Rose looked up from her magazine. "Bellina, you ok?" Rose asked. I thought I did a better job of hiding the tears.
"Yeah, I'm good."
"I can call Edward if you want me to," Rose offered. I wanted to give in but I was still digesting my talk with Dr. Cullen.
"Well, shopping is out," Alice said when she was off the phone.
"Why?"
"Bella, you're in no condition for shopping. While I thrive on shopping to make me feel better, I have a feeling it will have an opposite effect on you. I'll tell the guys we'll meet them at home for lunch," she said. The plan was for the girls to shop then meet the guys for a late lunch.
"No, you guys have been cooped up, Emmett is going insane. So we'll go as planned." I'd found the Cullen's were used to being on the move and being cooped up in the house was driving them slowly insane.
"No, we're going to La Push," Rose said as she read a text. "Jake is working on a restoration and wants me to look it over. We can get some food from Sue's and chill on the rez. Problem solved."
I had been dying to see Jake for weeks and if he finally had time to hang out I'd rather go there, but I knew shopping meant a lot to Alice.
"Cool, let's head to La Push!" Alice exclaimed a little too loudly. "I'll call Sue, she'll know what we like." Sue told us she needed an hour to prepare and pack what she thought would be ideal for our lunch at La Push. Rose sent a text to Emmett to pick up the food and bring it to La Push when Edward was done with his appointment.
Jake was waiting outside his garage when we arrived, the car had barely stopped when I hopped out and ran to him. He picked me up and gathered me in a tight hug, he was always huggy when he hadn't seen me in a while. When he put me back on the ground he did a once over, taking in my jeans, long sleeve shirt and flannel.
"It's good to see you," he said, kissing my hair.
"Good to see you, too!" I said as Alice and Rose came over to greet him with excited hugs and kisses.
"Show us this piece of junk, Jake," Rose demanded excitedly, reminding me of when Alice talked about the latest fashion trends. Jake led us into his garage where a beat up truck sat with parts surrounding it. "Jake, is this a 1959 Apache?"
Jake nodded as he and Rose began to speak Car and Driver, something I never cared to learn. Alice and I found some of Leah's fashion magazines and started reading while they were in their car zone. I quickly became bored with the magazine and took the camera from my bag. I hadn't noticed that Rose changed into coveralls and was bent over helping Jake with the engine. I began snapping pictures of Rose in her element.
"Isabella, if you don't get that camera out of my face, you won't find it for a week," Rose said, never looking up.
"You wouldn't dare touch my baby," I said, taking a few more shots and then going back to the couch with Alice. As I was reviewing I was shocked to see how relaxed Rose looked in each frame, already a beautiful woman, she was absolutely stunning with a huge smile and grease on her face.
"Ace, look," I said as I passed the camera to Alice.
"Wow. I wish she would model more." Alice examined each frame, and shook her head in wonder. "Just stunning, this is why people want her for their magazines."
"There have been more offers?" I whispered.
"Yes, now the bigger magazines want her…. And here's the thing I know she wants to but she just won't accept an offer. It's weird," Alice said in a hushed voice.
We both were lost in our own thoughts when Jasper, Emmett and Edward arrived with the food. I hadn't seen Edward since bed time last night; he was still asleep when I'd left with the girls this morning. He sent me a wink as he made his way to the kitchen with a box of food. I followed the guys in to see what Sue sent for lunch; she did not disappoint, supplying us with enough fried chicken, potato salad, biscuits and apple pie to feed a small army - or just Jake and Emmett.
"Did she save anything for her customers?" I asked.
"Barely," Emmett said before he bit into his drumstick.
As I watched Emmett eat the Carl's Jr. motto, 'Don't bother me, I'm eating' popped in my head, I tried to hide my laughter by hiding my face behind my napkin.
"What's so funny?" Edward whispered in my ear.
"Emmett."
Edward looked at his brother with a raised eyebrow. "I don't get it."
"Doesn't he remind you of the Carl's Jr. commercials?" I said with a giggle. Edward instantly caught on and stared at his brother with a grin.
Emmett looked up. "What?"
"Nothing," we said in unison and started laughing. I looked to see Jake observing us with a small smile on his face.
****
An afternoon in La Push was what we'd needed; everyone was upbeat and full of energy. When we decided to head back to the Cullen compound around sunset, Jake walked me to the car.
"You're really okay?"
"Yes, I promise."
"Okay….call me if you need to talk. Alice called me last week worried about you."
"Yeah, it wasn't a good week for me, but it's better," I said, thinking about what Edward said about trusting Jake. I reached out and gave him a hug. "You and I are going to have a long talk soon."
"I'll be here," he said. "Be safe."
I smiled at him. "Jake, I really am safe." I gave him another peck on the cheek and got into the car with Edward. Dr. Banner reinstated his driving privileges, so Rose and Alice joined their partners in the Suburban and Edward drove the BMW Rose had driven earlier. Emmett planned to stop in town to get several large pizzas for dinner on his way back home.
It was strange to drive with Edward; it had been years since we had been in a car alone together. "How was your appointment?" Edward asked. I knew he wanted details since Rose mentioned I was crying.
"Ok, I guess," I said quietly. He took my hand in his when we reached the stop light.
"What happened?"
I didn't answer immediately; I looked out the window watching the town I grew up in go by. "Photos were always taken of my bruises whenever I had to go in and I saw them for the first time. It just set something off and I couldn't shut it down."
He took his eyes from the road briefly, my hand still in his. "Aww babe, I'm sorry." He called me babe! I'm having a mini break down and I'm giddy over the fact he called me babe.
"Thanks, it just hit me hard…..and it was suggested I….get counseling," I added quietly.
Edward was silent for a minute "I think it's something that you should definitely consider."
"You do?"
"Yeah, I do. Remember, it's just not the bruises on your body that needs healing….your mind does too."
"I never thought of it that way," I murmured. "And I need to gain weight."
"Well living with Emmett and Alice who are food hogs, I can totally see you losing weight," he said with a smile. "So instead of nibbling on one slice of pizza will you try to eat two?"
"Yeah, then next thing you know I'm eating an entire pizza by myself."
"Actually Alice can eat a large pizza and drink a two liter of coke all by herself. But I wouldn't suggest that for you, she's had practice living with Emmett." Edward parked the car next to Carlisle's Mercedes.
"Yeah, and I'll end up being 400 pounds," I exclaimed.
"And I will love all 400 pounds of you," he said as he tenderly kissed my lips. Okay, maybe he meant it, but he has to know he is turning me into mush.
"Liar," I murmured against his mouth, he deepened the kiss, I don't think I could ever tire of his mouth against mine. The feel of his jaw against my hands made me ache for more, but Edward pulled away for a moment before resting his forehead against mine.
"It wouldn't matter how much you weighed, I would still love you. But with you being 5'4 gaining that kind of weight isn't healthy," he said as he lifted his head. "But talk to Emmett, he can help you gain the healthy way."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's my trainer; in fact I officially start my work out with him again tomorrow morning." He exited the car and was at my door before I had a chance to open it, he helped me out of the car and we went into the house.
We went straight to the office since we were waiting for the others to return, and went to the desk to turn on computer. "I know you must be excited," I said continuing our conversation. Edward was a runner and not being able to do it had to be driving him crazy. He has always been a lean guy but he's added more muscles to his physique in the last few years.
"Part of me is, but Emmett can be brutal so it's not going to be fun," he whined as he stretched, his shirt lifting and allowing me to see a well toned stomach. I was itching to see him shirtless again.
"Oh, poor baby, it's not going to be fun to have tight abs for your female fans," I cooed, knowing full well I would be the main one drooling over his abs. He chuckled when he caught me staring and I felt the blush hit my face.
"You like?"
"Oh shut up, Cullen!"
Instead of staring at Edward's abs, I returned my attention to the computer and uploaded the photos I took at La Push. I wanted to post two of Rosalie's grease monkey pictures but needed her approval before I did so. I was editing a photo of Emmett and Jasper when Edward suddenly grabbed a paper and pen and started writing, he was mumbling to himself, constantly looking at what he wrote. He looked so adorable when he was lost in thought, it allowed me to watch him, he occasionally bit his lip as he would read his writing, even pinching the bridge of his noise in frustration as hummed, then as he continued to write. It was fascinating to watching him work.
"Dinner is served Bitches!" Emmett yelled, interrupting Edward who looked up with a frown.
"Emmett, indoor voice!" Carlisle yelled.
"Sorry, Dad!" he yelled back.
It never failed, the Cullens were an entertaining group. Edward and I joined everyone in the kitchen for pizza, I placed two slices on my plate, determined to eat them without complaint. I was working on my second slice when I noticed Carlisle watching me, he sent me a nod of a approval. It felt good to be on the right path.
****
I decided to call it a night at midnight. I took a quick shower, and I knew I needed to read the pamphlets I received from the Dr. Cullen, but I wasn't ready. I turned on the TV instead and found 'Friends' reruns, I was trying to lose myself in the mindless show when I heard a knock on the door.
Thinking it was Edward I said, "Come in."
I was surprised to see Rose standing there, in yoga pants and a tank top. "I wanted to let you know, I posted the pictures to the site."
"Great! Thanks, Rose."
"Yeah, no problem, you were right they were good."
She was about to leave when I suddenly asked, "Rose, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," she said as she waited for me to ask.
"Why do you decline requests from the magazines?"
She didn't say anything as she stepped further into the room and sat next to me on the bed. "I used to model when I was younger; it was the only thing my mother praised me on, the only thing I did right in her eyes. But as I got older the photographers became….bolder….more aggressive. By the time I was 17, I was afraid to go on shoots, I would only take jobs during the time Jazz would come visit so he could accompany me. But the touches continued when his back was turned, Jazz suggested working with only female photographers and that didn't work. I just began to hate modeling. And men."
"Rose, I'm sorry."
"Out of all the guys I dated or hit on me, Emmett was the only one who treated me with respect. He saw me, not the face or the body. Even after we broke up he was supportive of anything I tried. And when Edward needed a drummer, he called me. Bella, I have this kick ass job where the world I used to love and adore wants me and I can't even be alone with a photographer without shaking."
"And that's the reason it's hard to find pictures of you," I said as all the pieces came together. Before the Cullens came back I would read as many articles I could find without James finding out and I rarely saw pictures of Rose.
"Yeah, I have to be with someone, only Jazz knows what happened….well, and now you," she said with a weak smile.
"You didn't tell Emmett?" I asked incredulously.
"No, I just told him I get uncomfortable and he left it at that. I think he hoped I would explain it."
"You need to tell him," I said, and then I laughed because I, the Queen of Silence, was telling someone to talk about their issues with someone else.
"I have an idea…Why don't we do a photo shoot here, where you can get used to being in front of a camera? The guys won't be too far away," I offered suddenly.
"No, that's not a good idea," she said shooting down the idea.
"Why not?"
"Because you'll want me by the end of the shoot."
"Rose I know I've been asexual for some time, but it's safe to say I'm a fan of the peen."
"I've seen it happen, you'll be like a lost little puppy following me around and I can't have that," she said with mock seriousness.
"Rose, seriously, I think I can control my urges."
She laughed as she looked at me. "Okay, tomorrow, but the moment you get all handsy the deal is off!"
"Sorry, Rose, I'm a proud peen lover."
"Yeah, that's what they all say. Okay, we'll talk in the morning," she said. "Good Night, Bellina."
"Goodnight, Rose."
Rose gave me an awkward hug before scurrying out of my room, it was hard to believe someone like Rose who oozed confidence had a hidden fear. She came off like a prizefighter, there were cracks in the façade but it didn't take away from her beauty, just enhanced it. I turned off the lights and snuggled under the covers, I wanted to wait for Edward but I knew he could be working in the studio for hours.
A knock on the door woke me up and Edward entered a moment later.
"Hey…" he said as he placed a bottle of water on the nightstand.
"Hey," I said, my voice sounded husky to my own ears.
"Sorry, Jasper and I decided to record a demo," he said, getting into bed with me and laying on top of the covers.
"It's ok, I understand." He leaned over and gave me a gentle kiss. "You should be resting, you have training with Emmett in the morning."
"But how am I suppose to sleep without my good night kiss?" he asked, his voice husky. "I love you, Isabella."
I wanted to say, 'I love you too,' but sleep had already claimed me. I would tell him soon.
A/N: Ok....so what did you think? Please hit review....pretty please with sugar on top?