How was I supposed to know Kisame was allergic to wheat?!
…I'll start at the beginning.
I decided to assist the growth of our "friendship" by offering my partner a bit of my food. It was unlikely that I would have been able to consume it all, and Kisame could be a bit of a glutton when he was hungry enough. It seemed as though this was a win-win situation.
Tragically, my theory was proved incorrect when Kisame collapsed.
The first thing I did was contact Pein and request assistance. Kisame was at least twice my size, so I knew that there was no way I could possibly carry him back to the base on my own.
For once our leader was quick to send help, and Zetsu soon arrived on the scene. Unfortunately, all the man would do was argue with himself on whether to help my partner, or simply eat him here and claim the shark was beyond salvation when he'd arrived. It took both my Sharingan eyes and a few well placed burns, but I was finally able to make the plant man come to his senses and assist me.
The trip back consisted of little more than Zetsu's banter and my cursing Kisame's weight, so I'll skip straight to our arrival at the base. Pein, of course, demanded an immediate explanation as to my partner's condition.
At this point, things got tricky. The plain and honest truth was that I had given my partner a sandwich, and shortly thereafter he passed out.
If that story doesn't sound like poisoning to you, you've obviously led a very sheltered life, or are a complete moron. Perhaps both.
So, I tried to save myself a bit of suspicion by giving Sir Leader as many details as I possibly could, including the fact that I'd eaten half the sandwich, how long had passed between my partner consuming the food and collapsing, and of course the contents of the food.
Pein stared at me for a short while, and then, as if it should have been the most obvious thing in the world, told me, "Kisame can't have wheat bread. He's allergic."
Thank you so much for telling me that now, instead of all those years ago when Kisame and I first started working together, oh wise Sir Leader!
By now, Kisame was lying in the medical wing of the hospital, under observation should he have any delayed allergic reactions. Meaning that now, I had to go up there, try and get a moment alone with him, and explain to the man I was deathly afraid of that I had not in fact poisoned him, but simply given him a food he was violently allergic to.
Killing my clan was an atrocity and all, but was it really bad enough to deserve this kind of karma?
Unable to think of any other way out of this situation short of killing myself (which was sounding better and better all the time) I made my way towards the medical wing, grateful that I didn't run in to any of the other members on my way there. Had they said so much as a single word to me about Kisame's present condition, or how the shark was no doubt going to kill me, I probably would have resorted to drastic, painful measures.
I stopped just outside the door that led to the hospital area, taking a brief moment to gather my thoughts and properly prepare the stoic mask that nearly always adorned my face. Deciding at length that I had absolutely nothing to gain by remaining outside my partner's room, I finally turned the knob, allowed the door to swing back, and entered the room.
I bless whatever deities exist for letting the room be empty of any medical personnel when I came in. The only person in the medical wing was the one shinobi I wished to speak with, which saved me quite a bit of trouble.
Kisame was lying on his back in a bed, sheets pulled up to cover him. I'm guessing he was looking away when I entered, and only turned his head towards the door when I stepped in. Our eyes immediately locked, and I had little choice but to shut the door without breaking eye contact.
If there is one thing worse than a face that shows no emotion, it's a face that portrays too many feelings at once. Kisame's was most definitely the latter. He looked angry at me for (accidentally) poisoning him, curious as to what my exact intentions had been and now were, scared that I was here to finish him off since the sandwich hadn't done it, and angry enough to kill me. The last one struck fear into my black heart, but I couldn't back down now. I shut my eyes, more of an attempt to block out his face than anything else, and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me you were allergic to wheat?" I quietly asked. I did my best to keep a scolding tone out of my question, but I'm not sure how well that worked.
"…Huh?" was Kisame's reply. As eloquent as anything I could expect from my partner.
I opened my eyes and spoke again. "I eat my sandwiches on wheat bread, something that you appear to be violently allergic to, as our most recent mission shows. Why did you not inform me of this problem?"
"I never eat anything with wheat in it!" he argued. "Haven't you noticed?"
"No. You've never seen me eat dango, but that doesn't change the fact that I like it." A weak argument in my eyes, but perhaps it would be enough.
Kisame, of course, picked something out of it that I hadn't realized. "You like dango?" he asked in a surprised voice.
I silently cursed myself for letting my partner know that I had any likes or dislikes to begin with, never mind specifically pointing one out! "Yes, as a matter of fact. Does this surprise you?"
"No. Well, yes. Um, you see…"
"You can't specifically recall any time I've ordered dango or not, because you do not make a habit of memorizing my eating habits. I likewise do not follow yours closely. That is why I was unaware of your allergy. And why I now need to know…if there are any other allergies you have. In order to avoid those foods in the future."
Kisame stared at me for a long while. He was probably debating whether I was trying to find some new method for killing him, if he still didn't believe my wheat allergy explanation, or if I was actually trying to show concern for him. At long last, he shook his head. "Very well then." I turned and walked out of the room without another word.
Once in the hallway, I vowed to hang myself before ever doing something like that again.