.
Agony County IRL
Hench's private jet came in for a landing on Drakken's lair's roof. The group got out of the plane and began to head towards the entrance, Jack in the lead. Waiting on said roof was none other than Drakken and Shego, wind blowing their hair and clothes dramatically. Both were visibly wary. "Jack Hench. What an unexpected surprise," Drakken greeted emotionlessly. Suddenly he went from stony villain to nervous Nellie, quickly and fearfully taking the man's hand and shaking it as he grinned anxiously. "This isn't about the unpaid bills, is it?" he asked.
"Not this time, Mr. Lipsky," Jack replied. He gestured behind him. Drakken and Shego gasped, noticing how many were present.
"O-kay. What's with the mob, Richie Rich?" Shego demanded of Hench, menacingly grabbing his tie and pulling him close as she lit her hand. If this was one of the man's occasional backstabs, things were going to get ugly.
Unfazed, Hench removed the hand from his person and brushed off the tie, standing up straight. "Miss Go, you're not going to believe a word of it," he replied.
KP
Shego and Drakken gaped in disbelief at the tale they were being told, hardly able to believe it. There was silence for a long moment when they were done, as Drakken and Shego took the time to digest all the new information. "So, that kid's your son?" Shego asked, pointing at Will.
"I am not his son! I denounce him! Did you seriously miss the point of everything else that was being said?!" Will demanded angrily.
"Ooh, you should really figure out what you did to tick him off," Drakken remarked to Hench. Jack grimaced.
"Oh for the love of… Never mind what happened! It's between me and him," Will said.
"Except he's completely out of the loop," Falsetto replied.
"According to him!" Will insisted.
"Agent Du, I'm more inclined to believe your father than you," Falsetto replied.
"Falsetto, your vote of confidence flatters me," Jack replied.
"Though goodness knows I shouldn't be giving it at all after all the times I've seen you serpent tongue your way into something," Falsetto replied.
"Was I dishonest any of those times?" Jack asked.
Falsetto smirked. "No. No you were not," he replied. "Not technically at least."
"It seems I mentored you too well. Now Senor Senior isn't the only one I have to watch out for," Jack replied with a smirk.
"Senor Senior's strengths are geared more towards petty manipulation. Mine are geared more toward trickery. It seems we have quite the little trinity going on," Falsetto said.
"Let's not be so quick to cut Big Daddy out of the club," Jack replied.
"Quadrinity then," Falsetto said. "Whatever the case, the master remains the master and we defer to you. You have by far the most versatility."
"Was there ever any question?" Jack asked.
"See, now I'm seeing Will in him," Ron remarked.
"Oh I was never that open about my superiority over you people!" Will shot. He started, realizing what he'd just said. "Wait. That didn't come out right," he quickly covered.
"Oh yes it did, and yes you were," Kim wryly replied, rolling her eyes.
"My, my, it's so nice that my little Drewbie has friends over to visit," a woman said, entering the room they were all in.
Drakken shuddered a bit and rose, turning to the woman. "Um, mother, what are you doing?" he asked. Already he could envision the embarrassment coming his way.
"Ooh, Drakky Wacky, is this your mother? How cute!" Amy said.
"I thought you kids might want some Cocoa Moo," Mama Lipsky said, approaching with a pitcher of chocolate milk and a tray of glasses.
"Ugh, I like, totally can't believe you have the guts to even show your face, scientist guy," Bonnie said to Drakken as the woman placed a glass in front of her and began to fill it.
"Oh, my Drewbie isn't a scientist. He's a radio talk show doctor," Mama Lipsky said.
"Totally. Now all cousin Drew needs to do is listen to his own advice," Ed said, smirking devilishly and relishing in his older cousin's discomfort.
"Thank you, Eddie!" Drakken growled.
"You kids behave now," Mama Lipsky said as she finished depositing and filling all the glasses and left the room.
"Ugh, this is so lame," Will sulked.
"Ooh, sorry Mini Hench. Can't be helped. She decided to drop by for some mother-son time with Drakken," Shego said, smirking coldly at the GJ agent.
"I'm nothing like my sperm donor!" Will insisted.
"Whatever," Shego replied, rolling her eyes and turning to the others. "So about this whole zombie thing. What are we, like in a truce or something?"
"It isn't as if we have much of a choice," Dr. Director replied. "The more scientists we have working on this, the better. The less conflict we stir up amongst one another, the more likely we are to get through this."
"Eh, works for me," Shego said, leaning back in her seat and filing her gloves. Dr. Renton raised a confused eyebrow, but didn't question it. "So, Jack, how rich would you say you are these days?" Shego casually asked.
"Miss Go, I may not be Martin Smarty—that no good, low down… never mind—but I'm not far behind," he answered.
"Really," Shego said, glancing up at him obviously intrigued. She leaned towards the man, putting on a seductive smile. "And how much property would you say you have?"
"The usual. Tropical islands, beach houses, penthouse suits, Tuscan villas, etc," Jack replied, waving his hand casually. Drakken blinked blankly at Shego and frowned, put out by her obvious interest in the money factor.
"Ooh, tell me more," Shego cooed, slipping onto Jack's lap like a vixen. Dr. Director's mouth dropped in outrage. Jack smirked, leaning his cheek against his fist in some amusement. "Miss Go, you're laying it on thick even for you," he said. "You realize, of course, that I'm a married man?"
She frowned at him in some annoyance, but nonetheless slipped off his lap with a huff and returned to Drakken's side. "Always the gold digger, aren't we?" Drakken bit.
"Hey, doesn't hurt to pry," Shego replied, teasingly smiling at her boss and playing with his ponytail.
"Nrrgh, Shego!" Drakken shot, trying to wave her hand away.
"Dr. Director certainly got herself quite a catch," DNAmy said with a smile.
"I'll bet he really knew the ropes the first time around," Adrena chimed, smirking wickedly. She and Camille cackled cruelly.
Dr. Director started and flushed. Will almost choked on his drink before recovering himself and looking sharply at the two. "Do you mind?! I don't need mental pictures of my mother with him!" he testily said
"Ginger babe wasn't the only one for sure," Motor Ed remarked. Jack started and scowled warningly at him.
"You do realize you're talking about my sister, correct?" Gemini coldly asked Ed.
"Just tellin' it like it is, little dude, seriously," Ed replied.
"Little?!" Gemini shot angrily. "I'll give you little!"
"Bring it on! Seriously," Ed said, standing up and leaning on the coffee table. Gemini scowled, rising.
"Here we go again," Monique said, rolling her eyes hopelessly.
"Back off my uncle, you hulking…" Will began, glaring at Motor Ed.
Jack quickly covered his son's mouth. "Quiet," he warned the boy. The look his son gave him would have struck him dead on the spot if looks could kill, Jack wryly noted. Nonetheless, Will thought the better of his defiance and obeyed.
"Seriously business dude. You're like, a hardcore player. How many women did you get with before the ball and chain entered the picture?" Ed questioned.
Will pulled his father's hand off his mouth roughly. "You're talking about my mother!" he indignantly shouted.
"Next question please!" Jack insisted, covering Will's mouth again and starting to get agitated.
Will struggled a bit to get his hand off before at last managing to pull it away. "No! By all means, dad, how many women before mom did you love? Heck, how many after?!" Will demanded testily. Jack scowled at his son warningly. Will didn't back down.
"William, that's enough!" Betty shot.
Too late. The floodgates had opened. Justine and Amy instantly whipped out their laptops and began searching for answers. "The first mention of a woman in association with Jack Hench was one Lucy Morris. His college professor. Young, pretty, right up his alley," Justine said, revealing a picture of the woman in question on the front of a magazine. Betty gasped at the headline and subtitle.
Ambitious Student or Promiscuous Cheater?
How did Jack Hench really earn his business masters?
"Oh for the love of... I did not sleep with her!" Jack insisted. "That story never even made it to print! How on earth did you..."
"We have our sources," Justine cut off, frowning at him.
Dr. Director gave her husband a dark, somewhat annoyed look. He winced a bit. "Nothing happened beyond a couple of make-out sessions," the man defended. "The woman started stalking me for goodness sake!"
"Wow. Were you ever willing to be stalked," Zita said, reading the results with Justine. "Never missed a call? Set up some dates? Agreed to private after-school meetings..."
"I toyed with her for my own personal gain, but nothing happened and it had nothing to do with my grades," Jack insisted.
"If it wasn't for grades, then 'personal gain' clearly means blackmail!" Will accused. Jack rolled his eyes but didn't snatch up the bait.
"What about this Minnie Mimi?" DNAmy asked, now into the game they'd discovered.
"Who?!" Betty demanded. DNAmy revealed another headline and Dr. Director's mouth dropped in rage.
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
Jack Hench's Dirty Little Secret
Jack winced, feeling suddenly extremely uncomfortable. Nervously he tugged at his collar and scowled at the ones researching him. "What is this? The Who Dated Jack Hench game?" he asked.
"So you admit they were your lovers," Shego said, liking this more and more.
"I admit no such thing!" Jack replied.
"Minnie Mimi was a dancer at a seedy little club in Lowerton. Ooh, Jackie, you were a naughty, naughty boy, agreeing to a business meeting there," Amy said.
"What club?" Betty immediately demanded, eyes flashing dangerously. She'd known she hadn't been the only woman in Jack's life of course, and had known he'd most likely been in plenty of relationships with women before her, but still! Being confronted with names and pictures now just made it that much more real.
"Muey Caliente," Amy answered in delight, loving the reactions that were being instilled. Will was flabbergasted and appalled, Betty was seething, and Jack was for once in his life flustered beyond comprehension.
"I wasn't given a choice of location!" Jack insisted.
"Minnie Mimi was the one that danced for them on the table," Amy explained before turning to Jack with a mischievous look in her eyes. "Ooh, she took a real shining to you, sugar."
"We kissed a few times backstage! It didn't get beyond that!" Jack insisted, nervously watching Dr. Director.
"How long of a kiss?" Dr. Director demanded.
"Honey, we'll talk later," Jack said.
"Is it a crime to be curious?" she sharply asked.
"A minute, that's all! Maybe two!" Jack defended.
"You son of a witch!" Betty shouted. Will looked immensely satisfied with what was playing out right now.
"I needed a connection to the owner of the establishment!" Jack defended.
"I can't believe you! I was your..." she began before stopping herself abruptly. "You already had connections to that creep!"
"Ones I didn't want to drag through that mire more than was necessary," he hissed lowly.
"Don't even go there, buster!" Dr. Director snapped.
"Tell us about this headliner," Justine said, showing off another.
Profit in the Bank, Callgirl on the Arm
Jack Hench: Not so Different After All
"Jeanie Menlo? Worked in Upperton. Employed by a big shot in the trafficking game it seems," Justine said.
"Well there's the mystery behind one of your current connections solved!" Dr. Director snapped furiously.
"I took her to my penthouse! There was dinner, some snuggling... Nothing happened! At least, I don't remember anything happening."
"Remember?!" Betty freaked.
Jack winced a bit. "The woman drugged me on the orders of her handler. I can barely remember that night," he quietly admitted. Dr. Director's gaze softened ever so slightly, a hint of concern appearing in her eyes.
"Then there was this one. Head of a big company. Third on the top five richest people list," Amy said.
"Her Cuban Beach House," Jack defeatedly confessed. "But…"
"This one here. Daughter of a big-time tycoon you ended up partnering with," Justine said.
"My private yacht. Where are you two even getting these?!" Jack demanded, increasingly more alarmed. Maybe there were more holes in his damage control protocols than he'd thought. Betty looked ready to deck him again, any sympathy or concern gone, and Sheldon was growing increasingly less impressed, scowling at his best friend.
"We have our sources," Amy and Justine replied together, typing away.
"And believe me, sweetie, not all of it was innocent kissing and snuggling. I have a whole list of overnight stays," Amy added.
"You can't presume anything happened during those!" Jack shot.
"Do you deny it?" Justine asked.
"I don't have to defend myself!" Jack argued. "For your information, half of those went nowhere!"
"Search for anything in the last eighteen years," Betty ordered sharply.
"I did not cheat on you!" Jack shot.
"What's your idea of cheating, Jack?" Betty snapped.
"Betty, please!" Jack said.
"What's going on between you and Tiffany? Some assistant of yours, I see," Justine said.
"Pretty woman," Gemini remarked, remembering her from when Jack was auctioning off his Molecular Transducer during the Grande Size Me incident.
"Unrequited crush!" Jack insisted.
"Ooh, you've been bad. Late-nighters with her on a regular weekly basis," Amy said.
"You son of a bit… dog!" Betty shouted in outrage.
"I haven't done anything with her! Check my security footage!" Jack insisted, visibly terrified now as he put up his hands in a pacifying gesture.
"We can't get into that," Justine said.
"You've been hacking into things that I never even knew were documented in the first place! How can you not get into a camera?!" Jack demanded. Amy and Justine shrugged. He looked quickly back at Betty. "I swear to the powers that be I never cheated!"
"Yeah right, dad!" Will shot, rising angrily. "Great! Now my life's even more complicated and messed up than before! Gods I hate you!" Angrily he stormed off.
"Will!" Jack called in some alarm.
"William, wait!" Gemini echoed. Time to enter uncle mode, he supposed. Quickly he followed the boy. It was better if he went rather than Jack. Jack didn't make to stop him, just stood in place looking flustered and nervous now.
"This is like, so totally better than the latest plotline of Agony County," Tara whispered to the others.
Jack turned quickly to Dr. Director again. "Sweetheart, you know I love you," he insisted. "I would never do something like that to you!"
"Wouldn't you?!" she demanded in distress and some hurt before storming off.
"Betty, wait!" Jack begged, following her quickly. Oh it was going to take all the charm and poise he could muster to win her ear.
KP
Shego lowly whistled. "Tune in next week to see where this all goes," she said.
"Hench will talk his way out of it," Camille brushed off.
"Nrrgh, of course he will. The man could persuade you to purchase a stick, eat it like candy, and say it was the most revolutionary product in existence," Drakken grumbled.
"He does have the gift of gab," Shego agreed.
"And probably a good number of interesting products stowed away on his jet," Drakken hinted. Hench had probably brought along some device or other, after all.
"Ooh, I catch your drift," Shego caught on, smirking wickedly.
"I don't think so," Kim said, frowning at them. Any of HenchCo's products in the hands of the villains was begging for disaster. Especially if they were any good.
"Out of the way, Princess," Shego ordered, standing up.
"Shego, now isn't the time for this," Kim insisted, standing quickly up herself and preparing to fight the woman off if need be. Shego scowled, lighting up her hands. Kim's eyes narrowed and she prepared to leap into action.
KP
"Betty, honey, you know I'd never stab you in the back like that!" Jack insisted.
"No, I don't know, Jack, figuratively or literally! No one can read you! No one ever could," she answered, turning her back on him and crossing her arms.
At least she was listening, Jack thought. He figured that was probably a good sign. "Honey, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg, because I will," he offered, grinning a charming grin he reserved only for special occasions.
"You aren't even taking this seriously!" she complained, turning on him angrily.
"Love, is it really me you're angry with, or is it something else? Will? Your twin? The others? All the frustration and uncertainty going on?" Jack asked.
"It's you, Jack! It's you!" she replied.
He winced a bit and frowned doubtfully at her. "Oh really," he dubiously replied. She shifted a bit uncomfortably, feeling her persona cracking a bit. She chose not to speak again. Jack waited a moment then sighed, letting it go. "We're going to get out of this, love. We're going to make it through," he finally chose to say, approaching her and taking her hands in his. "I know you're scared. I know you hate not knowing what's going to happen. I hate it too! We'll figure this out though. I promise. Just stay with me, Betty. Stay with me."
"My brother is infected, he could turn at any moment, and what about the others? Who else are we going to lose before this is done, Jack? Will we lose each other? Will we lose our son?" she demanded in distress.
Jack grimaced a bit. He really didn't want to answer that. Maybe he could trick the others into believing everything was 'hunky dory', so to speak, but he wouldn't be able to trick his wife. He'd never had much luck with it before at least. "Focus on the present. Looking to the past or the future won't help anyone right now. Come on. Let's get back to the others and make sure they don't kill one another before the biohazard does.
She huffed a bitter laugh. "No kidding," she dryly said. "We couldn't have been stuck with a more volatile group."
"Precisely, so let's play peacekeepers why don't we? The sooner this is all dealt with, the better," Jack said.
She sighed in defeat. "When did I become a pushover for your charm instead of the other way around?" she asked, shaking her head hopelessly at him and smiling a little
"I have a bad habit of turning the tables," he joked with a smile, nuzzling his forehead gently against her scalp. She grinned a little, relaxing a bit.
KP
"William!" Sheldon sharply called to his nephew, catching up.
"Why is my life so screwed up?!" Will demanded, spinning to face his uncle with fury and despair in his eyes.
"Nephew, you have nothing on some families," Gemini said, trying to calm the young man.
"Yeah, yeah, no family is picture perfect," Will grumbled, crossing his arms and turning away.
"Maybe you should take that to heart," Gemini said.
"Why must you irk me?" Will demanded.
"I'm a villain, boy. I don't do heart-to-hearts," Gemini answered, shrugging. "Yes, your family is complicated, a mess even. Your uncle despises your mother and vice versa, your mother and father are separated but still love each other, you hate your father, your father loves you even though you don't want him to…"
"Enough, please!" Will said, cutting him off.
"William, everything will work out," Sheldon assured.
"How, Uncle Sheldon, how?!" Will demanded. "You're infected, you could turn at any moment. Dad's just, well, dad, and mom's uncertain as to what's even happening anymore!"
"Apparently not as much so as you," Gemini said.
"I don't know what to do! I don't like that! I always know what to do! It's incredibly irksome," Will said.
"None of us know what to do, Will. All we can do is hope things work out," Gemini calmly said.
"Hope is dead!" Will replied.
Gemini shook his head hopelessly. "It will be if we all start taking on your attitude," he replied.
"I'm just so frustrated, Uncle Sheldon," Will said. "All we've done is run and fight and run and fight and run and fight each other... We don't even know where to start with this disaster!"
"Survival might be a priority," Gemini teased lightly, smiling at the boy. Will blinked and blushed a bit, looking down. He supposed his uncle had a point there. Gemini chuckled and ruffled his hair, "Come, my boy. Let's go back to the others. Perhaps together we can work things out." Will nodded hopelessly.
KP
Jack and Betty were the first pair to return to the living room just in time to observe a veritable battle going down. Their mouths dropped in shock. "What on Earth?" Betty blurted. Scowling, she leapt ahead to try and break it up.
Jack grimaced a bit. Ooh, this didn't look good. He frowned at the war zone. It looked like he would have to do some fast talking here. "Come on, people, tell me you're better than this!" he called to them. The battle intensified. "That's not what I meant!" So much for that approach, he wryly noted. Time to try another tactic. "Free Moodulator chips to anyone who stops this nonsense effective immediately!"
Needless to say, pretty much everyone froze in place. The ones who had been involved in the recent Moodulator crisis gaped at him in horror and terror. Those who hadn't been and were unaware of the dangers immediately flocked to the man demanding the chips in question. "Much better," Jack praised, grinning and dropping them into each outstretched hand.
"What do they do?" Camille asked, examining hers.
"Allow me to demonstrate," Jack replied, glad they were distracted. Now he could grab hold of the reigns and take control of the situation.
"Would you kids like some…" Drakken's mother began, walking in. Jack instantly placed a chip on the back of her neck and pressed a button, changing the emotion to anger. "Spankings!" Mama Lipsky yelled. Jack pressed the button again, turning it to happiness. "Because I could never ever do any such thing to my precious wittle Drewbie and his fwiends." Switching it to sadness, the woman began to cry and say, "Oh dear! I-I hope I ha-haven't let anyone down."
"Enough already, you've made your point! Unchip my mother!" Drakken demanded in alarm. Jack turned off the chip and removed it, grinning. The woman groaned, trying to get her bearings.
"Ooh, what happened?" Mama Lipsky asked, rubbing her head.
"Absolutely nothing, ma'am. A dizzy spell is all. You'll be fine," Jack assured, patting her back and grinning charmingly. "Here, let me help you to a seat."
"Such a nice young man. So considerate," Mama Lipsky said, allowing Hench to guide her to an easy chair. Passing by her son, she said, "Take a lesson, Drewbie. He knows how to treat a woman."
"He certainly does," Betty said. "Unfortunately, it's usually just an act."
"Easy," Jack warned, frowning at her.
"Isn't this a little dangerous?" Adrena asked, dubiously looking at the chip.
Who cared? It wasn't his business what these people did with it, he inwardly answered. "Dangerous? Oh no, my friends. Not if it's used correctly. With this one little device, your enemies will be yours to mould, yours to command, yours to humiliate. Turn them gentle as lambs or helpless as kittens! Make them weep like babies or fall into fits of giggles. Use their rage against their friends or let their jealousy overtake them, and it's all yours, people," he slickly said, words dripping with milk and honey.
"Oh, what was I here for, again? Oh yes. Tea and cookies in the dining room, kids. Follow me," Mama Lipsky said, rising and leading the way.
"Wait, so like, what just happened here? Seriously? One minute we're fighting each other and the next cookies and tea?" Ed asked.
"You morons just got sweet-talked by my father, that's what happened," Will said from the doorway he'd left through earlier. He sounded less than impressed. They looked quickly over and saw him scowling at them, arms crossed. Gemini looked equally unimpressed. Annoyed, the young man walked passed his parent and bumped his father roughly and pointedly while giving him a dagger glare. Jack winced a bit in pain and rubbed his arm, frowning after his son before rolling his eyes hopelessly. Turning, he followed the boy into the dining room. The rest of them trailed after.