Chapter 25
With every swing and down stroke, sweat poured abundant down his face. He didn't mind. The cold air compensated for the strain and effort. His body was well-used to hard work and exercise and he had the muscles and physique to prove it. Chop, chop, chop, his mind a hundred per cent focussed on the task in front of him; gripping the haft firmly with rough hands and aiming carefully at the centre of each piece of wood.
A red-faced Archie came back from the shed having just offloaded another pile of logs "we're almost done, Tom; this one will have to be the last lot."
Tom paused and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Archie was right, they had done quite a lot and the light would soon begin to fade anyway.
"Want a drop of tea? There is some left in the flask" Archie offered.
Tom shook his head "no, not yet. Let me finish this last one and then we can go and sit at the shed and we can have something there. There is a kettle and a few cups, look in the cupboard above the sink" he picked up the axe once more and delivered a masterful stroke splitting the chunk of wood in front of him in half.
Fifteen minutes later they were both sitting inside close to the woodstove drinking a cup of tea.
"Thank you, Archie, it was good of you to help out. Most of the guys here are busy looking after their own properties at this time of the year and I don't like to ask for favours unless absolutely necessary" said Tom.
Archie brushed off the comment "nonsense, you know I like to come up here and do some manual labour for a change. Pity I left it so late, I would have liked to see your new rodeo bulls too – but I take it the animals are all in for the winter now" he said and took a sip of his drink "ah, nice strong brew, ta" he added appreciatively.
Tom nodded. "Yep, the not-so-secret ingredient is home-made gin. You need something strong to pick you up sometimes, especially at this time of the year."
He shoved another piece of wood into the fire.
"You are right about the animals, we moved all the herds at the end of last month but you are welcome to come back in the Spring and have a go at some bull riding if you want."
Archie laughed "thanks, I think I'll stick with horses if you don't mind!"
Tom laughed too and a handful of creases framed his eyes. He then turned serious again.
"Well... I don't know for how much longer we will be able to keep so many cows... I mean, once or if we go ahead with my plans..."
Archie rubbed his chin "the good news I suppose is that from a legal standpoint there are no objections. And as you mentioned, the ladies are in principle very happy to support you... of course you heard what Albert's lawyer said, from a financial perspective there shouldn't be any issues now the sale of the surrounding land has been concluded... so..."
Tom pushed his chair against the wall and stretched his legs.
"So, the only person to discuss with and convince it's a good idea, is Patty..."
Archie looked at him intensely.
"Yes, I guess so. Is it going to be hard do you think?"
Tom paused to think before replying.
"The only reason I haven't talked to her yet is because I had to make sure first that it would be possible. I didn't want to raise her hopes only to let her down later on... this has been the hardest thing for me to do, you know, to not involve her from the beginning in such a life-altering decision..."
"Tom, not that I am an expert in such things but I think you should try to have this conversation with her as soon as possible. I know from Annie that she has been suffering a lot ever since the... well, you know what, so..."
Tom sighed.
"I know. You're right. Now the road seems clear, now it's the time to gauge her interest. I'll do it tonight."
(***)
She stood solemnly before the open wardrobe and stared rather indifferently at the neatly tidied clothes stacked inside. Blouses, skirts, cardigans, underwear... all sorted by colour and fabric. Oh, and shoes too, I'll need shoes of course, she thought.
She turned behind her and looked at the empty suitcase on the bed. Ah yes, the brown leather suitcase... it had been a long time since this had last been used... their honeymoon... she grimaced. A present from her parents... it all felt like centuries ago now. Oh well, at least it hasn't gone to waste, here is a new opportunity for me to put it to use.
She reached out to the clothes-hangers and grabbed a few with false determination. This was for the best, she reminded herself for the hundredth time. Although that didn't stop her from hurting inside with an intensity that threatened to weaken her resolve.
She continued to fold clothes mechanically and place them in the suitcase. Then she picked some of her favourite books, souvenirs, a few presents the children had prepared for her... a constant stream of memories clouded her thoughts... it didn't take long for tears to flood her eyes... how did we end up like this...
Half an hour later, she was done. She tried to close the suitcase and was surprised to see that she struggled to push the top down. Did she have so much stuff? She wasn't that materialistic, surely...
"Go on you stupid thing! Close!" she muttered angrily.
She finally managed. A sigh of relief left her lips. She didn't want to go and ask for help, she had to do this alone.
There was some noise outside; could it be him coming back already? Her hands started to tremble with the thought of him walking in on her and seeing her ready to leave. To leave him. She waited quietly for a few minutes clutching her handbag tightly against her chest. No... no, it wasn't him, thank God. No, probably just one of the guys. She knew that if it had been him, he would have come in to change clothes at least, so...
For days or maybe weeks they had kept communication to a bare minimum. He seemed distant, always away or preoccupied and spending endless hours in his workshop. She had no idea what it was he was doing in there. Either that or strumming his guitar late into the night in front of the fireplace, a string of melancholy tunes filling their living room. And her heart.
When they got the devastating news, he was there for her, holding her and reassuring her that it didn't matter, that it was going to be OK, that her love was enough for him and they could still have a happy future together. But then, a few days later he started to withdraw from her, to go into a world of his own, where there was obviously no space for her. He came to bed later and later each night, hardly saying a word. And she pretended to be asleep so that he wouldn't see the tears streaming down her face...
She knew she had let him down but she had hoped that they would find a way to deal with it, to grow stronger through this adversity. Together, as a couple. Of course... to be fair he hadn't been deliberately avoiding her as such, but to her it seemed that he had been trying to cope with his sadness in his own, strong and silent way. Shutting her off.
She concentrated on her work to fill the gap of his absence and to find some peace in her own mind. A part of her was strong and reasonable – it happens a lot more often than you think, Dr. Martin had explained – and she had tried to be philosophical about it. At the end of the day, through her work she was surrounded by loving, adorable children every day who looked up to her for support and advice as well as their education. And she relished that. She loved them all so much, every moment spent as their teacher was worth the inevitable tiredness that came with it.
Which is why she was so longing to have one of her own... to give Tom the son he was so desperately longing for. To take over the farm some day. Or a beautiful daughter, to be a strong and dedicated member of their small, rural community. And then later, to have more children, to fill the house with their toys, childish squabbles and laughter. But it wasn't meant to be. A part of her felt useless, distraught and lonely. She had failed him and there was no denying it. So the best thing she could do is take her emptiness and sorrow and leave.
Her grandmother had kindly offered that she stayed with her for as long as she needed to clear her head; she didn't have the courage to tell her parents anything yet, didn't think she could cope with all their fussing. She had lied to the headmaster, told him her grandmother had not been feeling well and she would like to take some time off to go and see her and to please not discuss this with anyone. The kind man had been quite understanding and was making arrangements for a substitute teacher to take over at least temporarily until after Christmas. She was going to think later what she would say after that, she didn't have the energy to plan long term right now.
She gave the bedroom one last long glance, picked up her suitcase and walked out to the front door. The carriage should be arriving soon so no time to waste. She fumbled once more with the goodbye letter inside her pocket. A last minute thought, she was planning to leave it for Tom in his workshop. She felt she owed him at least some brief explanation, didn't want him to start worrying about her. But she had to be quick and careful. Or else...
She opened the heavy door cautiously. It didn't look like there was anyone in there. Which was good, because she sure didn't want to be seen. She took a deep breath and walked decisively toward the workbench. There were tools and bits of wood everywhere, drawings, nails, screws... Strange, Tom is usually very tidy, this isn't like him, she thought. Maybe he has changed now... but then many things have changed... her eyes welled up again. With the tears slightly distorting her vision she looked around Tom's workshop, his favourite hiding place "where I regain my sanity" as he frequently joked.
And then... her expression changed, turning from sadness to one of surprise and confusion. She started to pace around the large room. It was filled with... children's things... beds, toys, a couple of rocking horses... things that Tom had obviously crafted himself... which would explain his disappearance for hours at a time... but why...
She was so absorbed in this peculiar and unexpected exploration that she didn't realise there was someone standing at the door observing her.
(***)
"You look lovely, gorgeous as usual!" he gave her a quick kiss, careful not to ruffle her coiffure.
"Do you think?" she asked checking out her hair in the mirror. "It feels a bit short to me, I think he cut a bit too much..." she tried to straighten the ever unruly curls with her fingers.
"Oh no, don't say that, I think you look delightful, my dear" he stood behind her and placed his arms around her.
"Hmm..." she sounded unconvinced then turned to face him "what time do you think we'll have to leave then? Six-ish?"
"No, I think that we'd better get there a bit earlier, if you don't mind. It is a rather large occasion this and with me being the Chair of the Board, best to make sure all is in hand."
"What is the arrangement for Aunt Elroy? She can come with us, if she prefers."
"Actually, Archie has already offered to take her himself, so that should be fine."
"She shouldn't stay out too late, Albert. She's had this cold for a few days now and I am not comfortable knowing she is exerting herself too hard."
Albert nodded in agreement "yes, you are right. I will make sure we get through the key items of the agenda before the dinner and after that I will get George to drive her straight home, don't worry."
"Well, I guess there is only one main item on the agenda... your move, no, our impeding move to London" she said thoughtfully.
"Hmm... in theory, yes. In practice, however, there is a lot more to be sorted out, especially now with your pregnancy, my sweet Candy. We are not going to go anywhere before you've had the baby and you are absolutely fit to travel. And this is non-negotiable. If in the interim we need to have another chairman look after things in London, then so be it. Your health and our family's well-being is my topmost priority."
"But are you sure the Board will accept this so easily? The way things have been going, they would want you to go over, well... what, now even!"
"I am sure we will find a compromise solution that will work for all, my love. Don't worry. I was actually thinking of sending George a bit earlier than planned to start setting things up. Remember, we also have Elisa's wedding to attend next year and I'd rather not go back and forth the Atlantic just for that."
Candy suddenly remembered "oh yes, indeed, I had forgotten about that! Gosh, time flies, doesn't it... it's Christmas in just a few days and we need to go up to Ponny's and I haven't yet finished with the presents and the preparations at Lakewood and..."
He took her in his arms again "hey, hey, shhh... sweetheart, there is no need to get stressed about anything. You have been unwell the last few days too Candy, remember what Eirik said, you have to take it easy. Let me worry about all these details, OK?"
She opened her mouth in protest but he didn't let her say anything, as his lips met hers in a very tender kiss.
"No objections, my Lady. You just rest and relax and everything will be just fine."
(***)
"So how does Tom think she is going to take it?" Annie stood close to Archie and placed her hand on his shoulder.
Archie put away his newspaper and took her hand into his as he pulled her to sit next to him.
"I honestly don't know, Annie... but I do hope that this story has a happy ending. For both of them. They deserve some happiness after all they've been through in their lives. Especially Patty, of course."
"I feel terrible keeping such a thing secret from Candy... she has been so very worried about Patty the last few weeks..."
Archie shook his head "I know. I feel bad about it too, but we need to protect her in her condition. Albert was adamant about it. This new pregnancy seems more challenging for her physically compared to the last one and of course on top of everything they have to start planning for a major relocation... no, no, I agree with him, let's wait and see first how Patty reacts and if all goes well, then they can tell everyone themselves."
Annie sighed "I have to be careful tonight to avoid the subject as best as possible then."
Archie agreed "yes, I think this is for the best. And I will do the same. Thankfully, the annual board meeting is bound to be very crowded so I doubt there will be many opportunities for small talk, if you know what I mean."
Annie nodded then checked the clock on the mantelpiece "didn't you say you have to fetch Aunt Elroy? I think we'd better get up and get dressed, I didn't realise the time, come on then."
(***)
She didn't dare turn fully to look at who the man standing at the doorframe was. She knew. Sensed him. Sensed the danger in him. It throbbed from him like an electric storm. His eyes were as black as midnight, the lean symmetry of his face washed of its beautiful bronze lustre and taut, like the moulded line of his mouth.
He watched her tense fingers clench and unclench. He noticed her clothes... coat, hat, gloves. Clothes for going out obviously... he stepped outside for a split second, leaving her quivering and uncertain of his next move; but he returned immediately. Carrying something she recognised without a glance. The suitcase made a thud-like sound as it hit the ground.
"Perhaps you'd like to explain to me the meaning of this..." he said finally, his voice deep and strained; as if trying to maintain some sense of control on the anger and frustration within.
"I... I am sorry" she said in nothing more than a drowned whisper the turned her back at him and grasped the back of a chair to steady herself.
"Is that all you have to say Patty... after all we've been together" he insisted now ominously.
She heard his footsteps echo in the room as he started to walk closer to her and she curled into herself even more, trying to avoid the touch that would inevitably follow. She hadn't been planning for this, she just wanted to hide into the night and get out of his life... but now...
He clasped her head and turned her face to his. His eyes were hot coals, his mouth a thin line of sensuality. But he was angry with her, and she knew it. He spoke and she felt his breath caressing her mouth.
"Why Patty... why, I don't understand... is that it then, are you going to give up on us so easily?"
She stared at him wounded and confused but suddenly an outburst of pent-up pain and anguish flooded her brain.
"Easily? What do you mean, easily? Do you think this was an easy decision? To just pack up and leave? Leave everything... my work, our home, our... you?"
He looked dejected. Deep inside he knew he had been avoiding her but she didn't understand... there was a good reason for it... but now...
"No" he said finally. "No, I don't think it was an easy decision. I just wish you had come to talk to me first before resorting to something so drastic."
She let out a short, derisive laugh – she didn't intend to sound ironic, it just came out like this.
"I am sorry Tom, but I wonder if you would have even noticed me coming to talk to you as you said. For the past few days, it's as if I don't even exist for you."
He took his hands off her shoulders and started to walk away from her. He stopped next to the rocking horse and pushed it gently with his foot. It started to oscillate and he watched it fascinated, as if he had never seen it before.
Patty shook her head, feeling peculiarly vindicated, though no less miserable.
"See? Here you are, doing it again. Just walking away from me when I need you the most. I am sorry I cannot give you the children you so desperately wanted, Tom. I am sorry. I wanted to have a child too. More than I can make you understand... but please, don't punish me for this inability by pushing me away..."
He turned back towards her furious with rage and strode back to where she stood, grabbed her and pierced her with a stony stare, strangling a fierce tide of feeling that rose up within him.
"What in the name of God are you accusing me of Patty? Can't you see" he swallowed hard, "don't you understand! I love you, for goodness sake! I love you, I don't want you to go not now, not ever! And as for the children... yes, yes, I was disappointed and upset. But not at you, Patty! Not at you! At life, at God, at whatever there is out there that makes decisions for us, without taking our needs or wishes into account."
He was gripped with a sense of anguish and suffocation.
"How can you possibly think that I stopped loving you just because we can't have children?"
She looked at him desperate to believe him. He looked so vulnerable and hurt. She loved him too, of course she did. She just wanted everything to get back to normal, whatever normal was. Tom started again.
"Have a look around you Patty. What do you see? Tell me, what do you see?"
She did as told then muttered "children's toys... for the children we weren't destined to have?"
He sat on a chair and hid his head in his hands.
"Oh, Patty..."
She edged cautiously towards him. Her heart was hurt but in her ears his words still rang loudly "I love you, I don't want you to go..."
She bent her knees and sat close to him. Tom looked up with eyes half veiled by slumberous tears, like water seen through mists of rain.
"Patty... I should have asked you about this before, but I wanted everything to be right before I even mentioned it to you. I didn't mean to hurt you or avoid you, I didn't realise I was pushing you away. I am very sorry if this is how it all came out in the end. You see... the thing is... I spoke to Mrs Pony and Sister Mary about us taking over the running of the orphanage."
Her mouth dropped.
"What, you mean... for us to adopt all the children there?" she whispered shocked.
"Yes. Well, I don't know if we would actually need to adopt all of them, but we would be their legal guardians, yes."
"Oh my God... but why didn't you..."
"I didn't want to say anything before I established with a lawyer if it was even possible. And I had to get permission from Mrs Pony and Sister Mary. I was planning to ask you about it tonight but..."
"But instead you came home and found an empty bedroom and a suitcase in the yard. Oh Tom, Tom, how I wish you had told me about this earlier!" she reached up and put her arms around him.
Surprise mingled with relief, love mixed with gratitude overpowered him, as he scooped her into his arms and kissed her passionately. Heat sizzled through her, oh, it was so wonderful to be in his arms again, to feel his hard body against hers. All this time, without his touch, without his kisses, without him. She'd been so lonely. How many times had she awoken in the night longing to be in his arms?
"So... do you think it is a good idea then?" he asked eagerly.
She beamed at him but couldn't quite find the words to explain how she felt.
"Patty... I never knew my parents. I don't know why they gave me up for adoption, maybe they couldn't afford to keep me, maybe I was the product of an illicit affair. Whatever the reason, I could have spent a lot of my childhood thinking that I was somehow lost, unloved and unwanted. But I was lucky to find myself at Pony's Hill. Where two wonderful women tried to give me the love and affection that my natural parents couldn't or wouldn't. And then, when Mr Stephen decided to adopt me... a part of me was torn between giving up on my life and friends at the orphanage, another was delighted that at last someone wanted me. ME. For who I was, that skinny, scruffy looking, uneducated kid who was climbing up trees the whole day and getting into scruples with other children. But even through our poverty and lack of opportunities, we always knew that there were people out there who loved us and cared about us. Now I want to do the same for other kids, who like me, found themselves in difficult circumstances."
He took a deep breath and went on, his voice confident, passionate, strong, like a howling wind that interrupts the warbling birds among the leaves.
"Of course it will be tough and challenging at times and yes, it means we will have to make some changes in how we live. But I thought that well, even if we did have children of our own, this was going to happen at some point anyway, so... Patty... what I am trying to say here is that I cannot do this alone but I know, I just know that we can do it together. However, I am not going to put any pressure on you and I would totally understand if you feel it would be too much. Don't say yes just to please me now, take some to think things through and we can discuss it again..."
"Tom, my lovely Tom... there is nothing to think about, the answer is yes! I am scared, no, terrified at the prospect of looking after so many children full time, but if we do this together..."
The sound of a carriage arriving at the front yard startled them.
"Oh my God, my coach!" Patty sprang up and dusted off her skirt. "What am I going to do?" she asked Tom in a panic.
Tom got up too.
"I think we should let the man spend the night here and we send him off in the morning. Unless you still want to leave..." his dark eyes pierced her again.
Patty gave him a quick peck on the cheek then flashed him a warm, wide smile "I'd better go prepare the guest bedroom then. Oh, and ask him what he wants for dinner!" and without another word she rushed straight into the house.
(***)