Hope everyone liked the first chapter. Don't think it's my best story but I needed to get this written to let out my anxiety about Season 4. Read and Please review. I enjoy getting feedback and I take criticism well.

Sam

Life can change in a matter of a few months. A life will be lost while a new one is brought into this world. I lost one of my best friends and soon after two of my good friends had a baby girl.

There have been moments of deep sorrow where I felt it swallowing me up and moments when seeing the smile of Noelle and Frank's daughter made me smile and realize life does go on.

We're all cops and know that we put our lives on the line every time we come to work but I don't think any of us expected it to be someone we were close to, someone we hung out with most nights after work.

Jerry's death hit me hard, the guy had everything going for him, a beautiful fiancée who he was going to build a family with and a job he loved. His life shouldn't have ended so quickly.

His death brought anger, hurt and sorrow which led me to pushing Andy away and breaking a promise. I turned my back on her when she needed me and now that's regret I won't ever be able to get over. I was so angry about Jerry and I needed to blame someone and Andy was the easiest to blame. I think I blamed her since I didn't want to face my own guilt.

Almost losing Andy to a bomb made me realize how much I loved her but it was too late. I waited too long to let her know how I felt, Andy left without a world to take part in Callahan's undercover op.

I sat at the Penny that night, with a small amount of hope in my heart that she would show up. I waited 3 hours before heading home. I figured I'd try again the next day with Andy. I wasn't planning on giving up until she finally gave me a second change. Peck waited with me since Collins apparently stood her up as well. That kid is growing on me, she's got a tough exterior but then again she's got a lot to live up to and she's had some rough patches lately.

It wasn't until the next morning I found out the reason her and Collins hadn't shown up at the Penny. I'm resigned to accept what Andy had done, Peck was another story, she was understandably upset and I think really hurt. I deserved what Andy did to me but Peck didn't. Collins left her when she most needed someone. She's been walking around with a hidden rage and deep sadness in her eyes. I got stinking drunk the first few days but that's not the path I wanna head down.

To be honest, I didn't expect Andy to forgive me or give me another chance. I let her down and hurt her far more than Callahan ever did. She'd have left me a note or given me a quick phone call if there was still hope for us. Her leaving without a word has made me realize, there is no going back with us.

This all has made me realize it's time for me to make changes in my life. I think I've loved Andy for a long time but I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I left it too late to express those feelings. These past few years have been about me wanting to be with Andy even at the expense of my own career. This hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I finally tell a woman I love her and she up and runs away without a word but honestly I think I drove her to it and I think it's best to just focus on my career. In my next relationship, I'll make sure she doesn't become my primary focus. At one point all I wanted was Andy and all she wanted to be was a cop. I think it's time for me to want to be a cop and all else will come second.

I've taken the first step to focusing on my career; I decided to take the detective's exam. It's something Jerry wanted me to do, he encouraged me numerous times saying I have the instincts and experience to make a great detective. This will help me with my career and honor Jerry.

It'll also allow me to keep an eye on Traci. Jerry really loved her and I know he would want me to look out for her. Jerry would've done everything he could to help her succeed and now I'll do the same. We've grown closer the past few months, we may not be the best of friends but we both have the common bond of Jerry and I think she may be the only one who understands how tough it is to move forward. I know she's having a really tough time adjusting to a life without Jerry. And thankfully she's hasn't tried to talk to me about Andy.

Jerry was right, I passed the detectives exam with flying colors and I've been doing good so far, I've been learning a lot, becoming more focused.

It feels odd not wearing a uniform or riding around with a rookie. I'm no longer the first responder to a scene; I get there afterwards and have to figure out what exactly happened. Not being in uniform meant buying more clothes. I basically only had a wardrobe of jeans and t-shirts. Now I have to invest in more "professional" wear. God I hate shopping. I'm never going to be as well dressed at Jerry but I'll say I'm more stylish now.

I started running and working out more often, I have plenty of time now. There's a gym by my house that I've been going to for the past five months. I haven't tried to make any friends or anything at the gym but about a month ago I met a woman named Marlo Cruz. She's was injured at her last job and was working out to gain back strength in her left arm before she starts her new job. The funny thing is she happens to be a cop who just transferred to 15. She's been on the force for about 8 years.

We've become good friends and we've slowly drifted into a relationship. We started grabbing dinner every night and she stays over at least once a week or I stay at her place once in a while. She doesn't worry me or scare me. She knows what she's doing and doesn't expect our relationship to be the romance of the century. She doesn't need words of love and we've pretty much settled into a comfortable situation.

Love for me happens only once and once you've lost that, you just find someone who understands where you're coming from and has been in your shoes before. Especially when that one person has taken residence in your heart for so long, you know you're not ready to go through that again.

I think Marlo is in the same place as me, sometimes I sense a deep sorrow in her, like she's holding a part of herself back and this is perfectly fine with me. She's entitled to her secrets; she doesn't need to explain herself to me. But this may be why we work so well as a couple.

So here I am six months later and I think I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago. I feel healthier, calmer and more focused. I have clear goals which I plan to stick to and I'm getting closer to being truly content with life.

I stayed over Marlo's last night and I figured I'd make breakfast before heading out to work. She's working a later shift so at least when she wakes up there'll be something ready for her to eat. As I leave, I quickly whisper goodbye to her and head out.

We haven't really let anyone at 15 know about our relationship. I hardly ever stay over that often. We always take two separate cars if we're working the same shift. Since I'm not a uniform anymore I have no chance of getting partnered with her, so no conflict of interest or misconduct. I've only told Ollie about her and he's kept his mouth shut. I think I've surprised him with the changes in my life but he's acknowledged it's been good for me.

I pull into the lot and see Traci getting out her car. Thankfully I convinced her to give up her beaten up old car and just drive around Jerry's new car. Jerry left a bulk of his estate to her and he wouldn't mind her driving around his car.

"Hey Swarek, you must have gotten a lot of beauty rest lately, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning I see", She call outs to me sarcastically.

I have to admit I do look like crap. I haven't slept well in the past few days. I've been feeling restless lately, almost a tingle in the back of my neck like all hell's about to break loose. This feeling has gotten me out of some tough situations so I wonder what's waiting down the road.

"Sorry all of us can't look as stunning as you every day. Jerry must've taught you his classy ways"

She laughs as she makes a show of tossing her hair over her shoulders and walks toward the door. I hurry to hold the door open for her and we head to the D's office. We've got a heavy caseload right now especially being a few detectives short.

Hopefully we'll manage to close out the robbery case we're working on; we just need an arrest to be made. Epstein and Ollie will be picking up our suspect after parade. When they get back we'll have some questioning to do.

Traci and I lean in to the door of the parade room just to hear what everyone will be working on today. Afterwards it back to sitting in front of the computer.

I have a huge pile of paperwork waiting to be done. I hate paperwork and I still have a few case files that I need to close out that I've been putting off. Maybe I can get Traci to do them for me.

By afternoon we book the guy for robbery and I'm getting hungry. I ask Traci what she wants to eat and we decide to just order in since we have to review files for an upcoming court case in which we both have to testify.

Towards the end of the day, I look up and see through the glass a guy walking into the division and head up to Frank's office. I've seen him somewhere before and then it hits me he's one of the guys from the undercover division. I wonder what that's about, well since I no longer do UC work it's really none of my concern. Maybe he wants to borrow a few of the rookies for an assignment.

But I feel that tingle on the back of my neck again and I have a feeling this guy doesn't bring good news. My instincts are usually right.

A half hour later, there's a knock on the D's door and I look up to see Frank with an anxious look on his face and right behind him is the guy who'd walked in earlier.

"Sam, Traci we need a moment with you guys"

All the other detectives are either out or done for the day, so I invite them in as I close the door behind them.

"This is Derek Foster and he's one of the leads on Project Dakota and he's got a problem."

I feel that tingle become a prickle of warning and unease. I know this going to be bad. All I can think is Andy! We've all heard bits and pieces about this op to know it's dangerous but not all the details.

Traci straightens up at her desk and asks if it's about Andy and Nick.

Frank nods his head yes.

Foster speaks up and says, "It may not be anything serious but we just want to take a precautious step in case there really is trouble."

"What happened?"

Foster goes on tell us about Project Dakota, which is about a group from various criminal backgrounds that have become allies to traffic people, drugs, weapons, etc. They've now become one major organization. There is one major guy who brokers all the deals and creates alliances. McNally and Collins have been given the task of finding all the major players but especially the head honcho.

"The thing is McNally texted their handler saying there was trouble and they've been accused of stealing a shipment. She didn't know if their cover has been blown or not but there was some trouble. There's also been frantic activity going on within the group that is unexpected and unusual. We're not sure what is exactly going on. But it could be nothing."

"So pull our people out"

"Yeah just get in touch with the team and tell them they've possibly been compromised. Text Andy back and tell her and Nick to get the hell outta there."

"We can't, she's been off the wire since this afternoon."

"If you can't reach her something's gone seriously wrong."

"It's a glitch, it'll be fine."

"McNally doesn't go off the wire, she doesn't miss calls."

I feel terror building up and now I can see why I've been feeling restless. There's something wrong with Andy's op. This idiot thinks it's just a glitch. Along with the terror I feel anger building up. This could end up being a very dangerous situation. I just wanna shake this guy and ask how he could even think it's just a glitch.

"I don't wanna pull them out when the whole op is about to wrapped up in a matter of days. We don't want to make a move too soon. We just wanted to let you guys know since they're your people and we may need assistance."

"Well we're not going to sit here and wait to see if something's gone wrong. It may be too late for that. We know McNally and Collins pretty well and we wanna make sure they get back home safe."

The lives of two officers are not worth a stupid op, I don't think any of us in this division can handle losing another one of our own. We need to find them ASAP.

We tell Foster to give us everything on Project Dakota so we can start working on finding them. I tell him to send someone to the cover house right away and see what kind of scene is inside. They can go in as a repairman or something. We gotta get things moving quickly. We'll need to get help from Epstein, Ollie, Diaz and a few of the rookies.

Frank says he call everyone together so we can get the ball rolling on finding McNally and Collins.