potty-dancing [rory]

I felt like my eyes had been closed barely a few seconds before I felt a hand shaking my shoulder none too gently.

"Ḗomer, be gentle" Théodred's familiar voice full of concern came from somewhere very close, and all hopes that the last few days had been some crazy dream and I'd woken up in something similar to a mental facility left as quickly as they'd come. I felt the hand shaking me again. I didn't need to hear Ḗomer's name to know that he was the shoulder shaker, this was right up his street. I bet he woke up this morning thinking, 'hm, how could I annoy Théodred's funny little pet today?'

I could feel the sun on my face as I blinked stupidly peeling my eyes open and yawning into my hands, before looking up into Ḗomer's expectant face. I was glad his black eye seemed to have gone down slightly, but he still didn't look any happier than I'd seen him yesterday as I sat up he handed me another piece of stale bread and the now familiar brown water bottle.

I was too absorbed in sedating my hunger and thirst to notice Ḗomer and Théodred leaving my side to be replaced by another soldier once I'd finished wolfing down my breakfast a cough from beside me caught my attention.

I looked up to see the young blonde boy from the previous night smiling shyly, crouched next to me on the ground. He made eye contact with me for a fraction of a second before nodding down to his own hands offering me another torn piece of bread. I was hungry enough to start pulling the grass from the ground next to me and munch it down like a horse and I very nearly took the offered bread from the boys outstretched hands before the thought of how completely selfish that would have been occurred to me. I was pretty sure that bread didn't grow on trees round here and that we were still miles from nowhere with horses carrying very little supplies and baggage, It was kind enough of these men to offer me anything at all, I wasn't going to start eating more than the bare minimum that I needed to keep me going.

"Flyn?" I drew the boys gaze back to me from the ground he had been examining awkwardly. My voice sounded raspy from sleep but the boy still looked up and met my eyes again, blushing. I smiled warmly at him before nodding at the bread and shaking my head at him.

He looked disappointed for some reason, I hoped I hadn't offended him somehow, maybe sharing bread was like saying 'hey lets be friends' and I'd just shook my head like a moose. I motioned for him to sit down next to me, within minutes of refusing the bread I was more relieved than I could explain. From what I could gather everyone had been given a lump of bread for breakfast and Flyn had been trying to give me his share after seeing me inhaling my own. Darn, I must make an effort to be more lady like. Flyn was so cute, why wasn't Flyn in the books? He's just swell.

I sat and watched Flyn eating his food slowly in silence as he finished his last bite the water from this morning and the previous day had finally started to affect me in the way that only water can. I sighed standing up, blanket still wrapped around my shoulders from the night before looking around uncertainly for Théodred wondering if there was a magical Lord-of-the-Rings toilet nearby.

Flyn pushed himself off the ground to stand next to me lips pursed.

"Théodred?" I looked at him anxiously speaking clearly, regretting standing up, now needing to pee ten times as much as I had seconds before.

He followed my example eyes searching the many, many men that surrounded us. I noticed for the first time that I'd been placed to sleep dead in the centre of camp this time, probably to avoid me escaping again. I bet it was Ḗomer's idea, I bet he sat at my side sword at the ready. Flyn and I had no luck finding Théodred on our own. He tried motioning for me to sit down again, still searching, and a couple of other men in their early twenties that had been watching us curiously walked over to have a brief conversation with Flyn.

I wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't been scanning for Théodred. I stood next to them like a melon, not even pretending to listen, squirming and fidgeting slightly on the spot.

"Lady Rory? May I present Eothain and William- my cousin? William and Eothain are in Grimbold's Eored, as am I." Flyn's use of my name caused me to turn back at his smiling face, and finally pay attention to the two men in front of me, they were both blonde too; shocker. Though one of them did have very short hair compared to the others falling just below his ears. I had caught what I thought was their names while Flyn spoke, mostly due to William being the only name I'd heard so far that was even remotely acceptable where I lived. Not that I could judge, who names their child Aurora? I thought bitterly of my estranged mother hoping her new Australian sprogs had been given dumb-ass names like Apple or Zeus.

"You're not in Grimbold's eored yet Flyn, not till you turn twenty little cousin."

"How many moons left until you become a man Flyn? Thirty?"

"Twenty nine...and a half."

They joked and laughed together as I shook bitter thoughts aside, focusing once again on the present, namely- my bladder.

"William, Eothain, Flyn, Grimbold, Théodred...Ḗomer." I repeated all the names that I'd bothered to learn over the last day, a thought occurring on the last name. "Ḗomer, Théodred, Ḗomer?" I repeated pulling Flyn's sleeve impatiently.

The two men looked at me strangely before the long haired one once again ignored me and addressed Flyn with what sounded like a question, in their language.

"It is true then? The girl speaks no common at all? Very strange."

"Um, excuse me, gentlemen? I really, really, really, need the toilet. Like, really. So if someone could just point me in the direction of Ḗomer or Théodred then I'd be really, really grateful. Preferably Théodred. Ḗomer's been a bit of a pansy ass."

The short haired man's brown eyes widened as I spoke, he repeated one word in English. The first word I'd understood in days. "Really."

I couldn't help letting out an awkward laugh at his silliness. The men carried on looking at me, like they'd never seen a girl before. All three looked impressed by the use of the word 'really'.

The short haired man stepped forward slightly, bowing in front of me before standing up and pointing to himself "William" He smiled openly after standing back up and gesturing to the other man at his side "Eothain" the second man followed suit bowing at me.

I wasn't quite sure what to do, so panicking more than a bit, I bowed back at the both of them squeaking "Rory".

I was embarrassed when they both started laughing at me and a little bit angry again so I turned my attention back to the hordes of blonde men searching before recognizing Ḗomer standing, side facing me a few yards away, talking to unfamiliar people.

I was pretty desperate for the toilet and people were starting to load possessions back onto horses so I figured it was now or never. I stooped dropping the blanket to pull my jacket on and shove my stuff back into its pocket. The men seemed to avoid my gaze until I'd wrapped the blanket back around my shoulders, they were probably uncomfortable with my legs being shown so I pulled my socks up to my knees again leaving most of me covered somehow.

"Bye Flyn, William, Eothain!" I mumbled walking away backwards turning away from them with a wave. I could hear them talking quickly among themselves before the pattering of feet followed close behind me. I reached Ḗomer before they'd caught up with me pausing at his side, waiting politely for him to finish his conversation, I started hopping backwards on my feet desperately. I think he stopped mid-sentence anyway once he'd realized I was next to him, I had to give him credit for that. He raised his eyebrows and turned to face me waiting. I figured I'd try just asking him first to see if he understood anything.

"Ḗomer...I really need to pee. I need the toilet, the loo, the little-girls-room. My bladder is so full. I'm afraid if I don't wee soon, I'm going to tootie down and wet myself- and that's something that you're not going to want to deal with."

I watched his face crumple in genuine confusion at my words. He straightened up giving the impression that he knew what I was trying to say was important and looked at me again, concentration clear on his face.

I'd suspected before I'd said a word that I wouldn't be understood but had a backup plan, it would probably be one of the lowest moments of my life and part of my brain told me I might be better off crouching down and just peeing in front of all these men than resorting to what I was about to do. I took one last glance around hoping to find Théodred, Ḗomer was the last person I wanted to do this I front of, but needs must. I felt my face go completely red as I started hopping on the spot trying to do the potty dance that I'd seen children doing in my local church so many times before. When I say children, I mean ages two to three. The potty dance should never ever be done, by anyone between the ages of seven and seventy, under any circumstances. Ever.

I was allowed to dance awkwardly in front of them for more than thirty seconds - I counted in my head- before the laughter broke out from the group that surrounded me. Ḗomer, Flyn and William were the only ones close by to not mock my desperate attempt at charades. William even put a hand on my shoulder to prevent me from continuing.

Boys were so cruel, I felt my eyes filling up with tears of humiliation as I lifted my head to face Ḗomer, shocked by how angry he looked again, scowling around. Apparently it's just my presence that infuriates him. I can't believe I went to him for help. I clenched my fists against my forehead, pulling my shoulders free of the man behind me.

"I HATE YOU EOMER." I screeched in his face storming off away from everyone, especially Ḗomer as fast as I could without wetting myself. I managed to storm a few meters out of the clearing of men before an arm wrapped itself around my stomach holding me still while I tried to squirm away, I looked up into Ḗomer's face again before deciding I was fighting a losing battle and stopped. He let go and wrapped his hand around my wrist, leading me off into a patch of nearby trees without a second glance backwards. I didn't bother resisting, his stupid, massive hand easily wrapped around my wrist and I already knew how strong he was.

I half expected him to tie me to a tree and leave me there for orcs or wolves to eat me, once we'd gotten through the trees we didn't go in very far before he stopped pausing for a moment, gesturing to a bush before turning with his back facing in me. I was too desperate to be grateful to Ḗomer, or even care that he could almost definitely hear me peeing behind the bush he'd motioned at. I felt gross not washing my hands but sucked it up, walking back to Ḗomer who turned back to face me as he heard me walking up behind him.

He handed something, which turned out to be trousers before turning away from me again, without looking at me. I didn't bother walking away, just pulled the trousers over my shoes and socks, tucking my white dress into them, trying to pad them out to make them fit better, unsuccessfully. They were horrible and itchy and muddy, but I amused myself with the idea of walking back out and finding one of the men trouser less. I bet it was Flyn, I wouldn't take Flyn's bread so he gave me his trousers, judging by the size of them they were more likely to be Théodred's or that Eothain boys...or maybe they were a spare pair.

"Ḗomer, I'm done!" I called mock-cheerfully at him, still very annoyed and quite upset by his strange sulky mood swings. Why couldn't he be more like happy Théodred?

He sighed in frustration when he saw quite how big the trousers were for me, keeping his face emotionless as he knelt down rolling the trousers up so I could walk in them. He also pulled a length of rope from somewhere, using it as a belt to keep the trousers up. I kept my hands in my pockets awkwardly, wishing he'd given me the chance to dress myself properly, he probably thought I was too stupid to dress myself. I pulled my purse out of my pocket once he was done shaking it gently, listening to the rattling of coins as a sudden impulse overwhelmed me.

I dropped to the ground unzipping my purse and shook the coins onto the ground looking up at Ḗomer's reaction, kneeling next to me. To say he looked surprised would be an understatement. I couldn't have had more than ten pounds in my purse but most of it was in silver and gold coins and a few bronze pennies. I crossed my legs and watched as he picked up the different coins examining the queen's face, biting down into them, lips pursed as he counted the different sized and coloured coins, rolling them in between his fingers.

I didn't get Ḗomer at all, he was a funny one. I sat watching his face change as he played with the money on the ground. His dirty beard had grown a little more since yesterday I noticed, and his hair was much lighter on his head than on his face, especially his eyebrows, which were quite bushy. His lips were very full, but looked smaller than they should because of his stubble and moustache. He also looked a lot younger than he had since I'd seen him so far, he had little crinkly laugh lines around his eyes as he sat with the money, puzzled. Despite the laugh lines the sadness in his face was obvious and it upset me for some reason, he should be as happy as Théodred.

He'd clearly forgotten I was here, but he still looked guarded and alert, ready for everything.

He glanced up after a few minutes of silent deliberating sitting to face me on the ground holding out the palm full of money for me to take back. I reached out and closed his fingers around it to his astonishment, after seeing him counting coins and examining the faces on them I didn't have the heart to take them back from him, it wasn't like nine pounds thirty was going to do me any good in Middle Earth anyway. I could hear horses galloping a little way away and started to think we should be setting off again as he said strange words to me, for the first time he sounded kind speaking to me, I wished more than ever that I could understand what ever damn language people spoke here.

"Who are you Rory? Where are you from?"

"Théodred." I replied one of the few words I knew he'd understand pushing myself off the ground and waited for him to lead me back out of the woods, his face settling into its usual detached scowl.

:)