Disclaimer: This piece of fan fiction is for entertainment purposes only. I am not seeking a profit and assert that the characters and universe do not belong to me. Any similarity between my own ideas and ones that end up on Castle will be celebrated. Even if I could afford to sue, I never would. That would be stupid.

I wrote the present day stuff months ago but the other stuff... you can sort of tell what some of it was influenced by.

Upload Date: 08 May, 2013

Chapter Rating: T - M (mostly T with one little descriptive sentence that's very naughty).

Summary: As Beckett prepares to finally tell Castle how she feels, she reflects on some of the times she almost did, What if she had?

#81

If Esposito had come in a little later...

"I am barely makin' a dent in this thing."

"Castle, I hear footsteps; he's comin'. Hurry."

"Man, if we got murdered right now, I'd feel so ripped off!" he said, turning to face her.

"Yeah," she agreed, turning to meet his gaze, "me too."

"At least..." his face softened as he smiled at the memory, "at least we had last night. We should've done that... four years ago."

"We... would have been amazing together four years ago, but don't...think like that, ok?. No regrets. Last was... last night was it for me. I have never... Castle, I - I love you."

"I... can't even touch you. But I wish - I wish I could."

The door opened and they turned in fear.

"Wish you could what?" Esposito asked.

If Beckett hadn't been so distracted by Bracken and Maddox trying to Kill Her

Beckett stared at the senator's smug face on the screen.

"I finally figured out who he is, the guy who killed my Mom, and there's nothing I can do about it." She paused. "Did Ryan talk to you? Did he check those security cameras around Smith's room?"

"Yes."

She turned.
"And?"

"The cameras were disabled," he smiled apologetically, gently touching her arm.

"Okay," she nodded. "So, they're comin' for me."

"Ryan's got two teams stationed outside."

"And what about tomorrow? And the day after that?"

"Let me take you some place, Kate. Somewhere you'll be safe."

She stared back at him. Part of her so badly wanted to say yes, run away, just the two of them. But it wouldn't matter where they went. He would find them; and she didn't want to run away. She could see it in Castle's eyes; he knew she would say no; and he would understand when she did; but there was an unmistakable shadow of hope in his eyes that made it all the more harder.

"Castle, I know what you're trying to do; and I love you for that..."

As he smiled again, she leant into his embrace, head on his shoulder, letting him comfort her the way she knew he needed to right now.
"But as long as William Bracken is alive, I'll never be safe."

If that pause had lasted a little longer

"The answer's in there - somewhere. It has to be. Anyway, it's getting late. I have to drop off Alexis first thing in the morning. Fresh start tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"Walk you out?"

"Uh... you know what? I gotta stick around. I have to go over Angelica's alibi."

"Right." He took a deep breath, looking into her eyes, feeling the same longing tinged with the smallest amount of sadness that he was feeling. Their relationship was still so new but already they had become accustomed to their Goodbye kiss. Not being able to do that felt unnatural.

"I so wish I could kiss you right now," he whispered.

"Yeah, I know."

He thought for a moment, and then held out his hand.

Beckett looked at him questioningly.

His gaze was insistent, so she followed his lead, holding out her own, which he took firmly.

"This is me, touching your face, pulling you in for a long, slow kiss."

Beckett smiled.
"And this is me, kissing you back," she said, moving her thumb back and forth across the back of his hand, "running my hands through your hair."

He had to suppress a groan. She loved to run her hands through his hair, and he loved it just as much; her passion and tenderness all being expressed as their lips and tongues surged and melted together. That was what they should be doing right now; but he could feel it; the heat, the frisson, all in a simple handshake -

"I love you," she said softly.

He froze, his hand squeezing hers for a second before relaxing.

"Best handshake ever," he said finally.

If Tyson had driven by a little later.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." Castle stared out the window pensively. "Just ...finding that stuff of Tyson's... seems lucky."

"Yeah, well, sometimes luck is all you need. He can't hide now. We'll find him."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Believing in me. I mean, given my history, my reputation, once you saw those e-mails. it would've been real easy not to."

"Yeah well," she whispered, a small smile playing at her lips, "since when have things been easy between you and me?"

He had to agree.
"Maybe that's what makes it all worthwhile," he said thoughtfully.

"Yeah," she agreed, taking his had, "maybe it is."

"Seriously, thank you."

"Always,"

His smile broadened.
"I love you, too, Kate."

She froze for a second before relaxing, smiling into his gaze.
"I do love you, Castle."

If Castle had stopped believing in the video-tape curse once the murder was solved

"Ok, so..." said Beckett, clinking glasses with Castle, "here's to a job well-done." She took a sip and put the glass down

"And now," she said, picking up Castle's bucket list "you can finally get rid of this bucket - " her face changed as she read it, "list of yours."

"What's that look for?"

"Be with Kate? That's your number one? When did you write this?"

"What, like, three years ago? Ooh, I can cross that off."

There were no words - actually, there were three but she wasn't ready to say them. He had made a commitment to be with her three years ago, had made it his top priority to be with her; number one on the list of things he wanted to do before he died.

She needed him in her - now.

She kissed him passionately, trying to express with her body what she couldn't with her words - but why couldn't she? As he returned her advances with vigour, she realised she wanted more than this tonight.

Yes it would be amazing, because it was always amazing, but he deserved more, so she stopped kissing him and gazed at him intently.

"I love you, Rick."

His eyes, dark with desire, softened at her words as he gently pulled her back to him.

Present Day

Beckett took a deep breath as she looked in the mirror. She'd always found excuses not to say it; the timing wasn't right, the situation didn't call for it, she wasn't ready... it was all ridiculous. She loved the man and she should tell him. The big question was how. She wanted it to be just right, so she was practising - not that she was having much luck.

"Castle, I love you. I love you, Castle. Hey, Castle, guess who loves you?" she pointed at herself, smiling sheepishly, then scoffed. "No. Um... Hey, Castle, pass the sugar - oh, and by the way I love you.
"Roses are red, violets are - oh, get a grip, Kate. Ok. Castle, you know that thing you said when I was bleeding on the ground? Yeah, well, I feel the same way. I love you.
"Rick, I love you. I love you, Rick. Richard. I love you Richard Castle.
"Richard Castle, I love you. Richard Edgar Castle, I love you. I'm in love with you. 'Cause you're a swell guy!"

She sighed, exasperated, and stared at her own reflection, pretending it was his face.

"Castle. I know the last four and-a-half-years haven't been easy; we've both made mistakes and had our fair share of obstacles but... you make me happy, Castle. I think about you and, my heart is just... so full. You're everything. I can't picture my life without you any more. Everything just fits with you. I... love you." She shook her head. "Stupid."

"I don't know; I like that one."

Beckett jumped, startled as she turned to find Castle standing at the door, a huge smile on his face.

"Castle! How long have you been standing there?"

"Since 'pass the sugar," he grinned, moving forward to take her in his arms. "You really think I'm a swell guy?"

Beckett smiled sheepishly.
"The swellest."

Want more "what if" ILY? There's a whole bunch in Too Many Ways.

One more to go.