I'm trying to get as much written as I can. Hope you're enjoying the story so far. Let me know what you think.

Sam

Shit. Shit. I messed it all up. God, why could I never get it right with this girl? I shouldn't have told Andy yet. But when she started talking about them and all their issues, I just wanted it out in the open that I was seeing someone. I didn't want her to find out by accident and feel like I was hiding things from her. I already hurt her way too much.

She just came back from an UC op and right afterwards is never a good time for anyone. Undercover work takes a lot out of a person; it leaves you overwhelmed and ripped apart emotionally. You have to remember how to act like yourself again. I shouldn't have said anything yet; I should've waited till she had some time to adjust. But when she stopped me outside the Penny, I couldn't find a way to get out of there without being mean.

I didn't want to be the one holding her back; I just wanted the best for her. For her to be happy and not be constantly reminded of how much I hurt her.

I had really considered leaving 15 so there wouldn't be this awkwardness between them. I remembered when she and Collins had moved away when I went to sit near them at the bar. I don't want her to have to avoid me every time she sees me.

Oh man, this was all such a mess. I had thought my life was finally getting on track and soon as McNally walks back into the picture, my life is a confusing mess again.

I pull away from the front of McNally's place and head home. It's been a long tiring day and I just want to crash. But my mind is still full of thoughts. So once at home, I change into shorts and a t-shirt. I need to run out all this. I run for over 4 miles before I know I'm beyond exhaustion.

I shower and get to bed. But my mind is still churning and I have a hard time getting to sleep. I spent most of the night tossing and turning. Finally its morning and I feel like hell.

I get dressed, make coffee and drag myself off to work. At least I won't see McNally around for another couple of days.

Traci gives my haggard face a questioning look but says nothing.

Soon I immerse myself in my work load and try to forget everything but work. Why is it when you want the day to go faster, it goes the slowest? After what feels like an endless day I'm finally ready to head home. Ollie stops me on my way out and asks if I'm coming to the Penny tonight. But I tell him no, I'm really not up to socializing tonight. I also have a text from Marlo asking if I wanna grab dinner tonight. I don't wanna see anyone right now. I tell her not tonight.

I head straight to the gym. I've started carrying workout clothes in the truck for convenience. Tonight it's come in handy.

I don't know why I'm acting like such a girl. It's not like McNally wants me back and will forgive me anytime soon. So why am I dwelling on it like I'm some teenage girl who needs to over analyze everything? I've come to accept that McNally and I are done over the past few months, so now I need to stop thinking there's any hope of us getting back together.

It doesn't matter that the very back of my head my conscience is reminding me that I still love her and she may be the only woman I'll ever love.

McNally was probably just upset that I found someone because she probably still holds anger towards me and that's completely understandable. I pulled a really douche move on her. I don't plan on rubbing Marlo in her face. It isn't a competition.

After the gym I drive around aimlessly. The restless is back and for once I just want to be at peace.

Before I know it I'm parked in front of McNally's place. I decide then and there that McNally I need to talk it all out so maybe we can even just become comfortable around each other.

I knock on her door and I can see she's surprised to see me.

"Sam what are you doing here?"

"Look can I come in?"

"Yeah sure"

I take a deep breath.

"Look Andy, I want to apologize. I know it's a little too late to say this but I'm sorry I hurt you. From the day I met you, you've always been someone special to me and it was never my intention to hurt you as badly as I did."

She had a surprised look on her face and she opened her mouth to say something but I quickly rushed on.

"It was stupid of me to make decisions about my life while I'm grieving. You ended up paying for the hurt and anger I was feeling. I ended up saying and doing things I greatly regret. I don't expect us to be friends or even get back together. I get that there's no going back. But I want everything out in the open so we don't need to avoid each other or feel uncomfortable around each other."

"Thanks for that Sam. But can you tell me one thing; did you mean all that stuff you said that night, about Boo Radley and making dinner?"

"I meant every word I said that night I was even prepared to beg but once I realized you left without giving me a thought I realized you didn't want to give me a second chance. And I get why you didn't. I left it too late. You may not like me saying this and this is not an excuse but I was tired of waiting, I felt like all I did since I met you was wait for you. I loved you Andy, like I've never loved another woman and I don't think I can handle love like that again. I wasn't looking for a relationship, she kind of snuck up on me and I'll admit I was lonely and just needed someone to talk to and spend time with. Every decision has a consequence and we both made ones we thought were right for us."

"I guess you're right Sam, there's no going back only forwards. I think we can be civil towards each other. I do wish you all the best."

"Same to you McNally. Take care of yourself and by the way I'm very proud of you for the work you did with the taskforce. You're a great cop, don't ever doubt yourself."

I get out of there quickly and hope this is a step towards making peace between McNally and me.

I just need to stick with my plan of treating McNally in a professional matter.

Maybe tonight I'll finally get a goodnight sleep.

McNally is supposed to be back at work in two days.

Who knew two days good go by so fast? I get to the station pretty early and thankfully there isn't anyone in the D's office. I take a few quiet minutes to myself. I know Traci is surprised when she comes in that I'm already there.

"Swarek you're one eager beaver today huh. "

I laugh and just say "Well I get to work with someone as wonderful as you so why wouldn't I be excited to be here bright and early."

We both laugh and head to the parade room.

Frank is standing in the front talking to Chloe Price, one of the new rookies. She also happens to be Frank's goddaughter. I'm sure she's a nice kid but she's one of those annoying bubbly people. I'm thankful that I'm not a T.O. anymore. I can't imagine spending all day in a squad car with her.

I see McNally is already there sitting next to Collins, heads together whispering something to each other. She looks relaxed and happy around Collins. She turns back then and sees me at the back of the room next to Traci. I see her eyes widen in surprise, I quickly realize it's probably at the fact that I'm not in uniform. She must've not heard about me becoming a detective. She turns back around as Frank gets everyone's attention.

"Quiet down everyone. Today is another day to protect, serve, and welcome back two of our own. McNally and Collins it's good to have you guys back. Those of you who didn't know, officer McNally and Collins have been gone for the past six months to work on a taskforce. A few days ago with their help we were able to shut down a major operation. Everyone give them a round of applause for the job well done."

Frank went on to give out the assignments for the day. I leave before I can hear the partnering to get some coffee. As I'm finished making my coffee I turn around to find Marlo in the break room with me. She starts making her own cup. I know she didn't really come for coffee; she wants to talk about McNally. She's been trying to bring her up in conversation for the past two days.

"So McNally's back."

"It's in the past"

I don't know why but I stepped up and kissed Marlo. Something I have never done before at work, not even when McNally and I were together. Deep down I know it's because of guilt I kissed her, she's wanted to talk about McNally but I've been brushing her off. I felt the kiss would reassure her or placate her. It was such a stupid move on my part.

I realized this especially when I looked up to see McNally and Traci standing in the doorway of the break room. Traci has a stunned look on her face, while McNally looks confused.

I need to get out of there so I let go of Marlo and say excuse me to get past the girls. I head to the locker room and just sit. What happened to my organized orderly life? I take a deep breath and head back to my desk. I have a feeling Traci will have questions for me.

And I was right.

"Swarek, you got some explaining to do."

"Look Traci can we not talk about this right now?"

"But…"

I cut her off before she can keep going. I grab one of the folders off my desk and start working. I can feel Traci watching me.

I finally give up and look at her, she doesn't look happy.

"It's been six months Traci. I can't sit around pining away for something I know is never going to happen. I messed up and there's no going back to fix it. I met Marlo a month ago and she just happened. Can we just leave it at that?"

"No I can't but I'll let it go for now. You hurt her Sam and I couldn't even help her out because I was grieving."

"I know Traci and I would give anything in the world to take away the pain BOTH of you have faced. But in life there are no do-overs."

I guess she meant it when she said she'll drop it for now. The day pretty much went by quickly and I once again headed straight to the gym.

I needed to call Marlo; I've been avoiding her a little too much.

After I shower I head out to meet Marlo for dinner. We head to this Italian place near where she lives. I feel awkward as we sit across from each other.

I ask her how her day went, she was partnered with Epstein. She tells me some funny tidbits that make me laugh. Then she gets straight to the point, she asks about McNally.

"So how was it seeing McNally again? Hope she wasn't too surprised when she saw us in the break room."

"I already told McNally I was seeing someone a few days ago."

"Wait you saw her a few days ago? I thought today was her first day back."

"I ran into her the night she came to the Penny. I figured I should tell her before she found out on her own."

Marlo looked surprised that I had decided to do this. I didn't want to talk about McNally with Marlo. When we first started hanging out together, I had told her the bare bones of what happened between McNally and me.

Luckily she dropped the McNally topic and we started talking about other things.

Being in a relationship is complicated. I was happier and more relaxed when I was alone. Maybe this relationship with Marlo isn't what I need right now.