Envy

He was never mine.

Not, solely mine anyway.

I knew that. I still know that. Hell, ninety-nine percent of the time I don't even want him around, let alone have his body over mine. He annoys me to no extent, and gets me riled up when we should be civil, logical adults. Three nights ago in the museum, case-and-point. Whatever happens between us during those moments are emotion-filled instances. And that's all they are instances. Episodes where one of us made poor decisions and the other one suffers the consequences.

But still…

He laughed and touched the girl's wrist, looking into her eyes. It was beautiful and intimate, like something you would share with someone precious. Not your enemy, who you would (apparently) much rather have naked in a public location as you ravaged her body and her sanity. I cursed under my breath and looked away, it didn't matter anyway. I wasn't what he wanted, even if I wanted to be with him (which I didn't).

She was cute and blonde and bubbly. When she moved or talked, everyone wanted to look at her and smile, like Starfire. It was almost like she glowed. She was the exact opposite of me and who I would always be. I couldn't be cute, or bubbly, and quite frankly, I didn't want to. I love who I am and who I strive to be, but still… why couldn't others love me for me as well? Why did the cute ones always win?

Ugh.

Why did this hurt? It wasn't like I loved him. I barely even liked him. I stared at the glass counter, looking at the selection of doughnuts as if they were the only things in the world, feely heavy and uncomfortable. It wasn't a painful hurt, like I was heartbroken or worried, but it was an angry hurt. Almost like a desire pinched to the point of physical pain. It felt like the time he teased me, bringing me so close to the edge, but never letting me fall over the precipice. The ache was so powerful I was in a terrible mood for days, and I wanted nothing more than to snarl and bark at everyone who threatened to get in my way.

Across the small café I saw a few mugs break out of the force of my powers, and I rubbed my temples, feeling the push of so many emotions against my psyche. See, this is why I hated public locations. Too many emotions and I was out of sorts for days, feeling everyone else's feelings and desires. I mumbled another curse and tapped my fingers on the glass display case. Good Goddess… how many doughnuts was that guy ordering? He was taking forever.

And then I felt that heavy gaze turn. He wasn't looking at the blonde anymore, he was looking at me.

Shit. I pulled my hood of my sweatshirt tighter around my face and looked as far away as I could. I just needed to get my doughnuts and get out, there was no need for actual interaction. And he certainly didn't need to know that I was staring at him and his cute, peppy date.

His eyes narrowed and his lips turned down in a frown. Great, now he was going to accuse me of stalking him. This really was an accident. I drew the short-straw and ended up on a doughnut run for the tower, and this was the best spot in town. Best jelly doughnuts in the city. Besides, it's not like I ever expected our lives to be completely solitary and separate from one another. I never even entertained the notion, but I also never thought that I would have to watch him on another date. I had always assumed we'd run into each other at the grocery store or some park, not while I was waiting to order doughnuts, and he was nursing a hangover after some crazy night of whatever with coffee and his one-night-stand.

That's rude, Raven. Stop judging her because she's cute and blonde. She might actually be a real girlfriend or something else important. My face burned red with that thought. If only she knew what we had engaged in the other night… and yet here she was with Jason, and I was on a doughnut run for the tower. Fate was hilarious.

In the reflection of the glass, I saw him mumble something under his breath and his date turned around to look at me, shock registering in her face before she got that starry-eyes giddy look of a fangirl. No, no, no. Oh, Goddess. I can't even go out and grab doughnuts without being attacked by fans, and I wasn't even the "cool" one. I can only imagine what the response would have been if Starfire or Robin went out this morning.

I rolled my eyes and looked away again, avoiding any contact with anyone else in the store. I didn't need this, not now, not when she got to sit across the table from him drinking coffee and eating doughnuts that she probably worked off by hours at some posh gym uptown. Meanwhile I had my bed-head tucked under the hood of my sweatshirt and jeans that needed washing.

She whispered something to him, and he chuckled and stood up, sauntering over to me. I looked away, pretending to be interested in the kitschy artwork on the walls. I felt him lean on the display case next to me, giving me his trademark, lopsided smile.

"So, it's Raven… right?"

I turned and looked over at him through some serious side-eye. "Jason, right?"

"I see my reputation precedes me."

"Sure. Whatever." I glanced over his shoulder to see the blonde taking a picture of us via her camera phone. Great. Two hours later and that photo was going to be plastered over every rag and social media site in town. All I wanted was some stupid doughnuts. "Do you mind keeping to yourself? If anyone finds out who I actually am, this… interaction is going to draw some seriously unwanted attention." I motioned behind me and watched as she took another picture, furiously typing something as she uploaded it. "So, can you tell your girlfriend to knock it off?"

"She's not my girlfriend." His response was automatic, like a knee-jerk reaction when someone teased you in elementary for liking someone else. There was an awkward moment between us before he winced and frowned down at me. "It's just a date. I guess."

"Just a date? You guess?" That was totally code for one a night stand. Something black blossomed over my heart and I looked away again. It didn't matter, and I didn't care what the hell it was. I just didn't want to see it. "I don't see why that matters to me what you do in your free time. I'm just here for the doughnuts. I'll get them and get out of your life as soon as Tubbs McGee in front of me orders." Wow. I was being extra cranky this morning. "Although… nice choice, by the way… I'm pretty sure that in the event of a water landing, her tits can be used as a flotation device."

Jason snorted and looked behind me, eyeing up his blonde friend. "Yeah, well…" He trailed off, as if he was going to make a funny comment, but couldn't quite connect all the pieces yet. "Never mind. What are you doing here?"

"I told you, I'm buying doughnuts. You know, fancy, gourmet doughnuts that Cyborg has to have. I don't see how that is an issue." I pursed my lips and moved up in line, watching the guy ahead of me hum and haw over every choice they had. Seriously, doughnut purchasing should not be this difficult. "I am allowed to exist outside the tower, you know. I don't always have to wear my uniform and be a hero."

"I didn't mean that, I just…" He dropped his voice low, looking around for any eavesdroppers. "After the other night…"

"The other night what?" I snorted and looked away again, watching his date play with her phone. She wasn't even interested in the fact that he was standing next to (and potentially flirting with) another girl. She was just excited that she saw a Titan out of her uniform. "It's not like it's something we haven't done before. We're adults, Jason, we can enjoy an implicit sexual relationship with each other, we don't have to have doe eyes for each other… hell, we don't even have to have feelings for each other."

"What?" He recoiled slightly as if both shocked and insulted that I had mentioned that. Whatever. It wasn't my problem.

"We can have just sex. It's okay." I waved him off, watching as the guy in front of me started to pay for his order. Finally, I'd been waiting for twenty minutes. I glanced back at Jason before continuing. "If you want to have a real girlfriend, that's fine. I'm sure she's smart and funny and witty with her giant tits and awesome personality, and I just don't care. We… indulge in other activities. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Uh-huh… and that's what this speech is about? Me finding happiness in a blonde girl with big tits? You have no idea, do you?" I didn't even have a moment to contemplate that. His hand wrapped around my wrist, pushing his volatile and confused emotions against me. "Come on. Outside."

"What the hell?" He dragged me through the front entrance, and I watched my place in line disappear. His date was too interested in Tweeting about how her boyfriend knew the real Raven to care that he was running away with me.

He pulled me down the block and behind the building, tucking us into a dark corner behind a small access door. It was angled just right so that we were protected from prying eyes on all sides. No one would see us. Great. Now we were going to find ourselves in yet another compromising situation. My heart picked up pace, beating franticly against my ribs like a frightened bird. I could feel my whole body warm with his proximity, and heat pooled down between my legs, making me very uncomfortable. I swallowed hard, drying to keep my face from showing my exact emotions.

"What?"

"What was all of that in there?" He rolled his eyes and stared at me. "You're giving me speeches about how we're just fuck-buddies and we don't go out on dates."

"I never said we didn't go out on dates." I growled up at him, pushing against his emotions. "Although, we actually don't, and the few times we've been alone together we've…"

"Tried to fuck like rabbits?"

I glared. "That wasn't my exact analogy. But yes. We've been too concentrated on sexual pleasure to focus on other things. And then I see you on a date with that blonde bimbo and I just get all hostile. Don't ask me why, I don't know… but it bothers me, and I don't want to see it. So, let me get my doughnuts and get out."

"I know why." He pressed a hand to the brick next to me, making some mockery of a cage. "You're jealous."

"No. I'm not jealous." I rolled my eyes, trying to disguise my shock with anger or annoyance. Is that what this feeling was? Jealousy? Seeing him touch another girl in the same way that he should have touched me? No. That couldn't be it. "I'm annoyed that I have to run into you on my day off. I just wanted doughnuts."

"Uh-huh." He dropped his voice low, his hands lifting the hem of my shirt as he pressed his lips to my ear. I should have pushed him away, but I just couldn't. He had already found all my secret hollows and was turning me into putty in his hands. "She's not even a real date, Rae. She's the assistant to security at my next mark." His fingers unbuttoned my pants and slowly pulled the zipper down. Okay, this was wrong, in fact, this was beyond wrong. We were in public, barely hidden by some well placed brick, and he was undressing me.

"I'm just trying to schmooze her to give up a few secrets to the system. You know, make my life easier. No dates, no sex, not even a kiss… not since…" He trailed off as his fingers dipped below my panties. I couldn't control she shiver that ran through my body, and he groaned in response before licking my ear. "You're already so wet. I'm gonna make you come right here."

"Jason…"

I know that being talked to in that deplorable way should insult me. I'm a smart, educated, strong, powerful, and independent woman, and I should not even dream of putting up with that kind of language and behavior. Logically, I know this. But, Goddess. If it got him to touch me, I didn't care what he said. He pushed his fingers inside me and I nearly cried out, but he bit down on my lower lip, sucking on the tender, swollen flesh.

"No noise, Raven. We're in public after all." He leaned down and suckled on my neck, right at the base where my uniform normally covered it. Behind us I could hear the sounds of customers going in and out of the doughnut shop, talking with each other and meandering past the empty alley. He nipped at neck again. "I would hate to see us discovered just because you were so vocal."

He moved his fingers again and I whimpered, but managed to stay quiet this time. He smiled down at me and moved his thumb over my clit. I shuddered and closed my eyes, feeling his fingers slide in and out of my body, teasing me. He leaned into my ear again, whispering as his warm breath slid down my neck. "Now… tell me the truth… were you jealous of us?"

"I don't know." My fingers bit into the brick behind me, and I was suddenly very aware of the smell of sweet baking filling the air, mingling with the scent of his cologne and creating something entirely new. His fingers slowed their pace as the words left my mouth, and I was unable to keep the noise of disappointment from leaving my lips. "I really don't."

"I think you're lying."

He added a third finger and I groaned as he pushed against me. His free hand slid up my sweater and touched my breast, playing with the nipple through the thin cotton of my bra. The sensations were overwhelming, electricity running through me to the point that I was surprised I could speak. "I can't think."

"Oh… I don't think that's even going to be an option. I think you just need to concentrate harder on what you felt when you saw me with her." He leaned forward and ran his tongue over my lips, tasting like black coffee, and he bit down on my lower lip again. "So… think, Raven… how did you feel?"

I closed my eyes and tried to think about how I felt when I saw them together. I was in pain. I was angry. I was… oh goddess, I was going to come. Already? I trembled against his fingers.

"Come on, little bird… tell me the truth or I won't let you get off." His voice sounded desperate, as if he was almost getting more pleasure out of this than I was. "Were you jealous? Tell me the truth."

"Yes." I groaned, trying to hide my face in my sweater. This was the most embarrassing situation imaginable, but what could I do? He gave me no choice. I either embarrassed myself, or I was left helpless and angry for days. "Yes, I was jealous… I know we're not exclusive, but I…" I couldn't form any more words. His mouth closed over mine and his fingers mercilessly pleasured me until I came. Hard. Electrical shocks raced through my body and I moaned against his mouth, knowing I had just made a fool of myself in front of him, but not quite caring at that moment. I pushed against him, kissing him back until the wave of pleasure subsided.

Gasping, he pulled back and buried his nose in my hair. "That was all you had to say, little bird."

It was the first time I noticed he gave me a pet name and I blushed. "Is it true?"

"She's not a date." He helped me readjust my clothing, slowly zipping my pants back up. "She's the key to breaking through a new security system installed in JCBank. I've got a mark there for next Friday and I need to know a few things to slide past the system. So, I wine and dine the new assistant and I find a few new tricks. That's it." He leaned in a little closer to me, trying to see into my eyes. "We're you really jealous?"

I avoided his stare and looked away. "Not really jealous."

"Mm…" He smirked at me, but chose not to elaborate on the subject. There was a long pause between us before he spoke again, curling his fingers through my hair. "You know… I haven't been able to stop thinking about the night at the museum."

Color stained my cheeks and I looked away, dusting my shirt off. "What about it?"

"I was just thinking of some very fun sounding role-playing exercises." He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall next to him, just staring at me. I swear sometimes he could light a fire with his stare.

"Like what?"

"Sexy museum curator?"

I rolled my eyes. "Do you ever stop thinking about sex?"

"No." He shrugged. "But you don't seem to either. You just let me finger-fuck you in an alley."

I felt the color leave my face, and then burn bright red in embarrassment. He didn't have to shove that in my face, I was already wallowing in my shame of having being pleasured by a criminal, in an alley, in public. "You don't have to be so crude."

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it… I could get off on the noises you make alone, but you do let me do some pretty kinky things to you." He watched me fidget with my sweater for a moment. "So, I'm guessing Robin never found out about his almost-voyeuristic-show… did he? My mouth over your clit as you tried to talk business…"

"Please don't remind me." I held up my hand and silently asked him to stop talking. "I can barely look at him without blushing or thinking of what we did."

"Mm…" He pushed himself to a standing position and looked at me, his eyes still smoldering. "I want to take you now."

I swallowed hard. "I have to go deliver doughnuts."

He shrugged. "I know." He pulled out a pen from his back pocket and pushed up the sleeve of my sweater, scribbling down an address on my skin. "Tomorrow night. Come see me and maybe we'll finally make a full run around the bases." He paused, his eyes scanning my face. "Unless you're-"

"I'm not afraid." Well, that was a lie. Good going, Raven, for making yourself look like an idiot.

There was a long pause before he responded, his face blank as he tried to decipher my words. "Well, I was actually going to ask if you were busy with team stuff." He smiled down at me and ran his hands over my shoulders, making me feel strangely small. "But, since you're not afraid, I'll ask again. Would you like to come see me tomorrow night?"

"Yes." I swallowed hard and looked into his eyes again. "Tomorrow night. I'll ask for the evening off." I sighed and leaned my head back against the wall, staring at the sky, drowning my own incredulity. What in hell was I doing? And with Red X? I was getting myself in much deeper than I ever imagined, and while I knew it was wrong, there was something that kept me from listening to my concern. "Are we scheduling sex?"

"I was asking you over for a date actually. Like a real date, with dinner, maybe a movie, maybe even some wine." He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at me, his gaze sincere. "If it so happens that we actually move from date to sex, then so be it… but if not, then maybe we'll just have a nice time." He paused and thought for a long moment. "Although after all those interesting places we've pleasured each other, I'm beginning to think that my bedroom might not actually be all that fun."

Color flooded my face. I didn't even know what to say to that. What could you say to that? I stepped out from the sheltered alcove into the early morning sunlight filtering through the alleyway. His hand brushed against mine as we walked, and I had the unusual urge to brush back. I pulled my hand away and walked towards the entrance of the doughnut shop. "So, a date? Do we even have those?"

He laughed and walked next to me. "Sure. We can have those. I mean, we're adults."

"That's not what I mean." I stopped and turned toward him, watching as people passed us. "I mean... us. We're… us."

"Yeah. I know what you mean…" He rubbed the back of his head. "But, we're not breaking any laws."

"No, we are. A bunch of them." I sighed. "We're just not getting caught."

"Same thing." He waved me off. "We're only not in trouble until we get caught."

"That's not an excuse." I sighed again and rolled my eyes.

"Sure it is." He turned and looked at me, smirking. "We don't get caught, we don't have any of the consequences. It's not a complicated concept."

"Still not an excuse." I looked down the street, barely able to see the outline of Titan tower around a building and sighed. I knew this was wrong on so many levels, but I just couldn't walk away. Jason put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.

"Hey, wanna hear a riddle?"

"No."

"I have a hole. Men eat me. I leave a glaze on your face. What am I?"

I paled and stared at him. "Um…"

"A doughnut." He nudged my shoulder, a teasing smile on his face as we walked into the doughnut shop. "Jeeze, Rae. Get your mind out of the gutter."

)O(

The decision was clearly to leave the vulgarity intact.
You're welcome…?

Anyway, leave a review and let me know what you think.